Hello [REDACTED]!
We are glad for your interest in working in our company, [REDACTED] corporation, one of the leading forces in the development of [REDACTED] in the City. Very few can match our accomplishments and reputation so it is no coincidence that so many people from the backways to the shielded from all different walks of life want to work here, and you are no different. Upon looking at your resume and skills, we here at [REDACTED] Corp find your skills and abilities quite lacking to be honest with you. Pitiful to the point that one would have to ask why would someone such as yourself even bother to apply here.
You do realize that you’re competing with people who come from families that view people like you in the same way a person looks at an ant right? People who have been blessed with talent since birth and have countless achievements to their name. Even then the people who come from the same wretched backways such as yourself have more value to offer to our company than you. No power or influence, but practical abilities we can use to our benefit, although not as much as our elite hires. We here at [REDACTED] Corp find your desperate attempt laughable and have shared your application to our newest batch of disposable pawns valued hires to give them something to laugh about as they adjust to their new life changing job.
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It is this pathetic desperation that has made us decide that you, [REDACTED], are selected to work with us as a new hire. As we pointed out earlier, you really have nothing worth noting about yourself, but we here at [REDACTED] Corp are a generous and gracious company willing to reach out and invest in those with no worth for the sake of our company. It will be easy for us to mold you into what we want and for you to live out our company standard for you without question. You will be properly compensated of course, provided you carry out your tasks well and live to see the day of your paycheck.
Attached to this letter are instructions on where to go and who to find to get started on your new job. We have dumbed down the language of these instructions and have even added drawings to further help you as we suspect you might have some mental impediments that might hinder your ability to follow basic instructions. Failure to follow these instructions to start the hiring process within a specific time period or the unthinkable action of rejecting our generous one in a lifetime opportunity will result in Upper Management or HR contracting “Cleaners” to remove you from the permanence of this earth and hand this letter to the next unworthy candidate in line. You are expendable. We hope to see you soon, have a great day!