Chapter 2 - Dognapper
Edited by
Get Back OLS
“Well? What are you waiting for? Go!” Said Master Brushstroke as he did his best to restrain his laughter. The other guests didn’t even give me that small pittance and openly cheered at my misfortune.
It’s ridiculous. As I slunk away towards the main exit I could hear the party continuing at full speed behind me. Right now, I just feel like smashing Tiger Man’s teeth while breaking all three of his legs. In a show of vain emotion I kick open the front door leading towards the outside world. The worst part is I still didn’t get to get out of this ridiculous outfit!
Walking into the abnormally dark street I separated my flashlight from my gun to guide my way. While walking down the street I suddenly realize I have no idea where I’m going. Those assholes took my phone… If I go back they’ll probably have a good laugh at that too. I really don’t want to do that. I’ll just keep walking for now.
Going to the corner of the road I notice a lot of bar patrons leaving their establishment with varying degrees of anger. I notice one particular fellow entering a dark alley. No doubt to take a piss. Well, it’s time to share the love. Turning off my flashlight i quickly followed. As he relieved himself on the side of the bar’s wall. Sneaking up behind him I hand chop the back of his neck and he falls into a puddle of his own piss.
I quickly search his pants for his cell phone and then use his thumb to bring up a map to Candid Valor’s home. I then consider going but too be honest I could use a change of clothes. So I separated him from his pants as well. The shirt was unusable since it was stained with his urine. So I’ll leave him with it. After placing the pants over the suit i couldn’t help but feel ridiculous as it was twice my size. Thankfully, he had a belt so it didn’t outright fall off.
Nothing ever goes right, sigh. Continuing down the road i make my way to Candid Valor’s neighborhood. It used to be that superheroes were secretive about their families and their lives but nowadays you can find everything online and I mean everything. For example, what color underwear was Gelid Girl wearing when she went ice skating with her boyfriend two weeks ago? Trick question, she wasn’t wearing any. Hence why I know.
Now, villains may be a pile of crackpots and assholes but at least they understand the need for secrecy. They do take it a little far though. I heard of this one villain that made all his subordinates learn secret codes, handshakes, and passwords. Furthermore, he styles himself as a 1930’s gangster, even talking like them. It sounds ridiculous but he’s actually the drug kingpin that all the police are after.
If you're wondering how I know, it’s simple, all subordinates love to bitch. We can’t not do it. Everyday we put our lives on the line for a guy we don’t believe in and with little to no chance of survival. If it weren’t for the fact that the officially non-existent death squads would eliminate us almost everyone would leave. So yeah, we bitch.
Passing through a neighborhood I notice how families are outside talking to neighbors, people are setting up their gas generators, and babies whose nightlights went out are crying. Alright, so Candid Valor has a point but I don’t particularly care. Pretty soon the power company will redirect power and bam, problem solved. Also, who really needs electricity at 1am? Most of these people were probably woken up by their scared children.
Before continuing on I see a dark home on the street corner. There is no one on the outside and no hum of a gas powered generator. The grass looks like it hasn’t been cut in weeks and the mail is overflowing. So chances are they're not home or they're some of the laziest people ever. Sneaking to the back of the home I break the glass on the door and quickly reach in to unlock it.
Walking in, I head straight to the kitchen and open the fridge. The rancid smell of rotten milk and fruits fills my nose. If I weren’t in a desperate situation I wouldn’t even burglarize this fridge. Even thieves have standards and no one likes a rotten fridge. Looking through it I spot a pack of hot dogs, taking it, I placed the hot dogs in my backpack. Then I search and find tape inside one of the cabinets also placing it in the backpack. After walking out the house I could hear varied screams about a man exiting the vacationing Robinson’s house. Guess that’s my cue to run.
Running for about a mile I arrive at my destination. In front of me is a very large house with a bush that looks like a dog. Entering a paved path towards the dark house I could hear the low hum of a gas powered electric generator. The thing about electric generators is that they produce carbon monoxide and therefore it can’t be place in an enclosed environment. Consequently, what most people do is put the generator in the garage, hook it up to the electricity for the house, and open the garage door.
Candid Valor probably never believed anyone was bold (stupid) enough to burglarize (dognap) his home. Walking through the garage I notice the vintage 1920’s Indian Motorcycle, Chief V-twin. I got to admit it looks pretty sweet, I’ll be sure to try it out on my way out. Opening the garage door leading towards the house I can feel every squeak like an electric shock straight through my spine.
Walking in I can hear a boring announcer talking about… golf? In the entertainment room I snuck a glance and saw Candid Valor watching the Golf Channel at 1:30 in the morning. How bored does someone need to be to watch golf at 1:30 in the morning? I also notice he's cuddling with a little brown dog. Noticing the dog I grew very scared. Small dogs are the worst because they're the one’s who bark at anything. Thankfully, I noticed Candid Valor was cuddling rather forcefully with the little dog.
Soon enough I see Candid Valor loosen his grip and the little dog escapes. Then he sighs and says “Pepper stay here, daddy’s got a little business to take care of.” Cold sweat drips from my brow. The humidity in my suit feels like a pool. I unholster my gun and get ready to run. He, however, heads upstairs, enters a room, and locks the door. I can then hear light music playing from the room.
Holstering my weapon I take my backpack and start unzipping it. Pepper hears it and begins to bark. Candid Valor then shouts from the room “I’ll be done soon Pepper, relax!” I hurried to take out the hot dogs and threw them at her. She began to devour them like there’s no tomorrow. I ran up, got out the tape, and grabbed hold and overpowered her when out of nowhere I hear a woman shout. Fearfully I continue to tape the dog's mouth shut while looking around.
Then I continued to hear the woman but it wasn’t shouting, it was moaning. I guess if I were listening to that at 1:30am I would scream a lot too. The forceful cuddling with the Pepper explains quite a bit. After taping her mouth shut I whispered “trust me, you're better off.”
I stuffed Pepper into my backpack leaving a little opening for her to breath in. Before I left I searched around for his keys. I found his keys and they had a laminated picture of Pepper on the keychain. This guy takes dog lover to a whole different level. Riding his Indian I began to leave his house when I heard screaming coming from behind me. From the mirrors I could see Candid Valor in his boxers running on three legs. He wasn’t fast enough to catch up though and I escaped with Pepper into the night.
Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.
While driving I could feel Pepper sticking her head out of the back pack. Probably enjoying the open air. If I ever get desperate enough to take out my frustrations on a dog I might as well kidnap someone. I’m a villain afterall. I want a feisty redhead, no an airhead beach blonde, or even better a brunette with emerald eyes. Sigh, this is probably the number one way of getting killed for newly minted super villains. Also, being kidnapped by super villains is the origin story for roughly 60% of female super villains and 30% of heroines. Most of whom either killed or are currently seeking revenge against their former captors.
It’s a bad deal all around. The death rate for newly initiated super villains is already above 50% in the first two years. After that there is a steep increase in survival rate. A few other right hand men and I looked into it and attributed survival to the avoidance of five mistake. Mistake number one, kidnapping. Kidnapping opens up a long term case in the hero's association that last as long as the kidnapee remains alive. It makes it so that as long as she lives there will be a hero out there with a hard-on for you.
Worst part is that they are extremely experienced in tracking down new villains down and eliminating them. So, it’s a really bad deal. Next mistake, fighting a super hero. After an initiate ‘graduates’ to super villain they always receive a special item if they don’t already have super powers. This special item, while powerful, is not so strong that it can allow you to fight a veteran super hero right from the start. Doing so, is not overconfidence but flat out idiocy. The lucky die quickly and the rest get crippled and live out life sentences. The best thing to do is always to run or hide until one is is strong enough to guarantee victory.
Third mistake, bad missions. The guild does not regulate missions for people aside from the extremely high level ones. So everyone can pick whatever mission they want most of the time. As it turns out most villains are extremely prone to risky behavior. Thusly, when they see a mission they, like gamblers, are more likely to only see the rewards and none of the dangers. In the case of the last initiate, that meant trying to steal top secret bioengineering info from the heroes guild and getting eaten by an experimental dinosaur.
Fourth mistake, bad subordinates. Subordinates are ubiquitous in the world of villainy. Some of those very same subordinates become super villains if they play their cards right. After they become super villains though they promise themselves they will be much better bosses than their own assigned professional asshole. Thus, they treat their subordinates with ‘kindness’ and ‘respect’. Problem is that subordinates are villains too. So when the shit hits the fan if subordinates don’t fear you they will throw you to the heroes to slow them down in order to get away. If it weren’t for the fact I’m pretty sure he took some precautionary measures, I would of sent Master Brushstroke to his death a long time ago.
Fifth mistake, trusting other super villains. Super villains enjoy the sight of other people in pain, it’s called schadenfreude. The last mistake any new super villain can make is believing the information provided to them by other super villains. Believing that info will not only make them a target of a hero, in the other super villain’s plan but also a casualty. Furthermore, trusting any item given, such as a helmet, from them is enough to get one’s head blown off. I still remember how three years ago a right hand man named Larry got a new transforming car from his former boss. His boss asked him to try it out and after making sure there were no bombs attached to it he got in. He then started the transformation sequence and poor Larry was turned into minced meat. It seems his previous boss ‘forgot’ to tell him not to transform while inside the car.
This is the law of the jungle and if you don’t become a lion then you're food. Reaching the Maximillian Center I entered with Pepper in hand. The party was still going on at full bloom. I made my way to the entrees and began to devour them. Pepper whined like no tomorrow so I removed her tape and let her dig in too. After eating my fourth mini sandwich someone noticed that I survived and I think it was Mr. Anonymous who said “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle, the kid did it.” Laughter and clapping soon spread throughout the room.
“See? I told you! Now hand over the phone and don't forget to deposit the guild points” Master Brushstroke said. While he reached for the phone Lammergeier swiped it away teasing him with it and holding it behind his back. Master Brushstroke immediately tried to grab it while Lammergeier dodged. Sir Starmover then swiped the phone while saying “Now, now you two. Stop behaving like children in public. Number One, here is your phone back. Also, head my suggestion and get rid of that dog as soon as possible. No doubt Candid Valor will hunt you down for as long as the case remains open. I don’t think you want to be the first villain to be taken down for dognapping do you?” He then looked behind me.
“Oh, nevermind. Seems the problem ‘solved’ itself.” Turning I could see little Pepper choking on a toothpick. I was going to grab her but leaving her alive is just a bad idea. As long as she lives the case of her kidnapping remains open. If she dies then I just need to hide away for one month before the case expires. The beauty of the system, isn’t? For villains a living kidnap victim is a much worse than a dead one. She only has herself to blame considering she was dumb enough to eat that toothpick.
I grabbed my cellphone and begin to open the Void App. in it I find the document Madam Delphinium was talking about. The form opens up and asks me for me name. I then entered Number One and continued. It was as bureaucratic as it can get. It asked me my previous positions, experiences, where i would like to villainize, my preferred superpowers, any hero I have a vendetta against, and any hero that has a vendetta against me. It all seemed very long and tedious. Finally, i clicked submit for the form. However, it occurred to me that they never asked me for my new villain name.
I voiced my concern saying “when do I get to choose a new name?” A few of the guests looked at me funny, some snickered, and others laughed. Then Madam Delphinium replied “Oh dear, that's the very first question isn’t it? Don’t worry, the council has to approve villain names so there’s a chance they will give you a new one.”
However, despite laughing hysterically Lammergeier managed to spit out “Fat chance! The council almost always goes with the name suggested by the new villain. So welcome to the club Number One!”
Master Brushstroke came to my side while laughing. He then placed his hand on my shoulder saying “I didn’t know our time together meant so much to you. In your memory from now on I’ll name my right hand man number two.” Fuck you. This is all you're fault you sycophantic freak. Isn’t your responsibility to explain all this to me? Instead, you throw a giant party I only spent five minutes at since immediately after I arrived you sent me on yet another suicide quest!
As a newly minted super villain I was about to rage on him when three men wearing robes walked into the room carrying a large black box. My special item has arrived.