Chapter One - Artful Surprise
Edited by
Getbackols
“Number One...” Number One, such a meaningless name, you’d figure a creative type would give a creative name but nope, individuality denied. Three years, I have slaved away as this flamingo colored spandex wearing cape loving crook’s right hand man and let me tell you if he asks me to get coffee one more time he’s going to have an ‘accident’ later. Seriously, it was my shitty luck that got me assigned to him and he’s taking full advantage. He even makes us wear the most ridiculously colorful tight spandex jumpsuits imaginable. They look like modern art if modern art was a five year old throwing up the paint he ate on a canvas, which sometimes it is. Worst part is, after serving a TOTAL OF SIX YEARS together he sends me on a SUICIDE MISSION on the VERY LAST DA- “NUMBER ONE ARE YOU LISTENING!?!?”
“Yes, Master Brushstroke, I’m listening.”
“Oh really? What the hell did I just tell you then!?”
Sigh. “You told me that after number three blows up the power plant subsidiary and therefore knocks out the lethal defenses I am to use the explosives on top of the building to crash into the super hero art exhibit. Then I will use a paint roller to deface as much art as possible before number seven gives the signal to retreat when he spots any response on behalf of the super heroes.”
“Seriously, how did you guess it?”
“You’re honored excellency has graced me by explaining it to the lowly me on many prior occasions.”
“Don’t think that just because it's’ your last day as my henchman before you become a super villain I won’t kill you.”
“Isn’t that what you’re doing anyways!? There’s no escape plan!”
“Like I said, The Cubist Mobile will take you out of the exhibit.”
“You expect me to believe that?! That block of metal can’t even outrun ordinary cops, let alone super heroes!”
“IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THE MISSION, THAT’S FINE! Just remember that’s grounds for ‘dismissal.’ Hegegege.”
I mutter under my breath “I swear he has the stupidest laugh.”
“What you say?”
“I was just saying to myself than I need to come up with a laugh as villainous as your own, sir.”
“Oh so you noticed? Yes well it took many years of practice not everyone can have a laugh that screams villainy like mine. Hegegegege.”
That’s because other people actually have some talent- in the midst of thinking this I saw what looks like a fireworks display on Fourth of July go off across the river.
It’s like he’s advertising there’s something going on… “Fuck me” I began to run from the riverside to the nearby Maximillian Art Center nearby while carrying two incredibly heavy duffle bags. An incredibly gaudy building made with a fusion of cubist and abstract design stood before me. Overall, it looks like a little kid spilled his Legos on the floor if legos were 45 feet tall. Thankfully that makes it easier to scale on the outside.
Using a grappling hook and rope I curse my damn boss who can’t even splurge for a helicopter because it’s too ‘conformist’. What does that even mean? So because something is useful and therefore well liked it shouldn’t be used? I swear, when this guy was in high school he was a goth or someshit and got constantly beaten up. My only regret is that we didn’t go to the same high school so I could take a shot at him too.
Climbing up the rope I understood more than ever how much P.E. class has saved my ass. Jumping, crawling, and running are the tools that I have used to not get my head melted down by some vigilante's heat vision. Not to mention a guy with a paint brush stuck up his ass using our pain and misery to fuel his ‘creative urges’ while making expressionist ‘art work.’ Meaning that asshole gets off on us dying.
Nearing the top I carefully placed down a big black duffle bag filled with explosives on the roof. The explosives are C4 so it doesn't particularly matter if I toss it around a little or so I’ve been told. I would like to know what sane person would randomly ‘toss’ any explosive. I lined them up in a circle and then placed the charges on a timer. Quickly running behind a lego smaller upper floor.
*BOOM*
As the whole roof shakes i struggle to keep my balance. Then after the shaking stops I immediately run towards the large new hole on the roof. Using the same grappling hook and rope I began to propel myself downward. Soon I arrived on the floor and I take out my sub machine gun with a flashlight attachment as well as a paint roller from the duffle bag. After engorging the roller with red paint I began to move towards the heroes exhibit. Thankfully it's dark so the automatic defences should be down but emergency lights and security should be coming up soon.
Entering the exhibit all the lights suddenly turned on. I pointed my gun outward ready to mow down whatever stood between me and the way out when I heard the word “SURPRISE.”
All around me are familiar faces. Cold sweat was pouring down my face. I had very nearly blew a few holes in Tiger Man’s face. “I say, would you mind holstering your weapon, old chap?” Said Tiger Man in the fakest english accent imaginable. I put my weapon down and spot Master Brushstroke. “Whats going on?”
“Well, you wouldn’t know but it’s actually midnight right now and thus, you are officially a Super Villain! Shocked aren’t you?”
I quickly checked my watch and it had 11:03 on it making me utter “uhh.”
“I wouldn’t trust that. While all you croni- uh, ahem, subordinates were sleeping I adjusted the time to be one hour behind. Also, all your new guildmates are here to celebrate with you! Come, come, let me introduce you around.”
With that everyone began to mingle and drink like it's some sort of high class social. I got to admit, they all look pretty good. Guys in tux and women in dresses. Meanwhile, I have to embarrass myself in puke colored clothing. Fucking hell, Master Brushstroke. He then guided me to this voluptuous brunette wearing what could've passed as a dress if not for the top portion being a very revealing corset. Standing with her was what I imagine a human Pillsbury Doughboy would look like in a suit.
“Madam Delphinium, Sir Starmover, may I introduce to you number one. Number One, meet Madam Delphinium and Sir Starmover.”
“Oh you poor dear, you haven’t changed your name yet? I hope you can forgive Master Brushstroke. He has really put up a lot of effort into surprising you. In fact he was as giddy as a schoolgirl when you finally became eligible for promotion.” Responded Madam Delphinium.
“Ha! Don’t listen to her, Number One. He was only giddy about the fact that he won the death pool purely because he was your supervisor.” Elaborated Sir Starmover while slightly jiggling.
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“No need to tell hi-” Master Brushstroke tried to whisper.
“Tell him what? That we Supervillains have a pool going on about who’s right hand man was going to die? That you cheated and actually bet against him for a while? That if he hadn’t won you would have had to prost-”
“OKAY, OKAY! Yes that!” Screamed out a mournful Master Brushstroke.
“So, uhh, is there a change of clothes anywhere? Also, when do I change my name?” I said while trying my best to maintain my calm before my new colleagues.
“Oh dear, I thought you were wearing that as some sort of fashion statement. No need to worry though, Sir Starmover possesses a dimensional space cube (DSC) courtesy of the guild exchange. Also, later on you will get a document uploaded to the Void Library App on your phone with all the relevant details. In fact, I’d be surprised if it wasn’t there already.” Spoke the ever so helpful Madam Delphinium.
While Sir Starmover was playing around with what I assume is the DSC he whispered in a low tone. “I’d watch myself if I were you, boy. Madam Delphinium has had many boyfriends and all of them are missing.” While he was pulling out a suit from the incredibly small cube Madam Delphinium punched Sir Starmover. He loses his grasp and the suit goes back into the cube.
“What was that for!” Said Sir Starmover in an aggrieved voice. “Hmph, what was that warning then? Nothing?” An equally aggrieved Madam Delphinium asked. “Now see he-” Before he finished his sentence Master Brushstroke took me by the arm while saying “These guys always fight and you have a lot more people to meet. Let me take you to that couple over there with the man with an oversized jaw line and the woman who looks like the love child of bulimia and anorexia.”
While we were walking over, the blonde man, who does indeed have a jawline of a neanderthal, spoke “It appears we put too much effort into how we look. Next time I’ll dumb it down and put on a t-shirt with some actual creative art on it.”
“What did you say, you fuckin caveman!? You dare criticize the excellence of my artwork? Why don’t you go back and paint cantaloupe in a cave somewhere with horse dung!” Rebuked Master Brushstroke.
“Even a caveman’s painting skills are better than your 3rd grade art work, oh wait you lost that competition didn’t you?”
“That was over three decades ago, Lammergier. Why can-” Before I could continue listening to the two bicker on and on, the admittedly skinny woman grabbed my attention and chatted.
“Don’t mind them, They’ve been at each other’s throat since Lammergier’s right hand man died under suspicious circumstances. He believes Brushstroke did it you see. He was just a month away from the promotion too. By the way, I’m Amy - whoops. I just used my rea- my previous name. Do forgive me.”
Thinking back on it now there was that guy Brushstroke had me kill a half a year ago. Well, discretion is the better part of valor.
“Hi Amy, I’m… well Number One for now. I’ll get it changed suit- Uh I mean soon.”
“Oh could that have been a freudian slip?” She then gives me a once over and I do everything possible not to die of embarrassment. “Well, no one can blame you considering the… circumstances. You know I do think I have a suit your size in my DSC. If you're wondering why I have one it's because that messy ape of a husband who can’t keep anything clean. I think you have the same body type. Would you like it?”
I nodded affirmatively while saying “Your a lifesaver.”
She begins to fiddle with her DSC while chatting “Oh I wouldn’t go that far, plus you earned it. All those sacrifices you had to make? Only you know all the faces of your friends and coworkers that fell into an early grave because of our line of work. Those unfortunate souls dying with lingering regrets, having achieved nothing, and then replaced by a new ‘number.’”
Come to think about, she’s right. A lot of people have died on my way here.
“Honestly it's just horrible. So many people dying I’m sure you can tell me all kinds of stories of all the courageous wonderful people that fell right in your very arms.” Amy continued.
“Well, I normally don’t try to think about it but my frie-” “Stop right there!” Master Brushstroke interrupted.
“Lady Darkmind, stop playing around with the rookie’s head. He’s already got enough problems without you messing around his mind.”
“Oh poo. You're no fun Master Brushstroke. No wonder your still single.”
“Don’t bother, my mind is impervious to your charms.” Defended Master Brushstroke.
Just when Lady Darkmind finished messing around with her DSC and started pulling out a suit.
*BOOM*
The exterior wall suddenly exploded in and on the rubble stood a man with a cape. I began to panic but everyone else was cool and collected, like they knew it was going to happen. The man with the cape started to approach us. He was wearing the kind of clothes people wear at home and a white cape. He then started to shout.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASSHOLES BLOW UP THE POWER SUBSIDIARY?! YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE THIS IS A GUILD SPONSORED EVENT YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE!? SO WHAT IF YOU GET A NOOBIE, HE'S PROBABLY GONNA DIE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS ANYWAYS! LISTEN UP! THIS WORLD BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE. NOT TO SHIT STAINS LIKE YOU! YOU’RE SAFE FOR NOW BUT MARK MY WORDS WHEN YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, I'LL BE THERE TO BREAK OPEN THOSE EMPTY SKULLS OF YOURS!”
He then turned to leave and shouted “I’M NOT PAYING FOR THIS FUCKING WALL!” He blew another hole in the wall and jumped down.
“Looks like Captain Anger Problems strikes again.” Said Anonymous.
“Anger problems? I’m picking up major signs of sexual frustration.” Responded Lady Darkmind.
“I say, Master Brushstroke. Has Number One there signed the paperwork yet? Or is he still your subordinate who can play fetch?” Said Tiger Man.
No, Tiger Man, is this because I pointed a gun at you? Come on! It was a mistake, don’t do this! While thinking this I immediately looked at Master Brushstroke. I’ve never begged in my life but I’d like to believe that the look on my face was more pitiful than any beggar.
“I see where you’re going with this. I did hear that Candid Valor had a dog. Number One why don’-”
Before he finished his sentence I took out my phone and began opening the Void Library app. Just when I was going to open the mail notifications, Lammergier stole my phone. I swear I don’t regret killing his subordinate one bit.
“As I was saying. Number One go fetch Candid Valor’s dog. Hegegegege”
You gotta be kidding me.