| AD: “Look, I didn’t want to be a cultivator. [X]
If you’re reading this because you jumped off a bridge, and now, being a cultivator is your ONLY HOPE to walk again, sorry…
…This game can’t help with that.
But if you want to learn how to SURVIVE under a bridge… then PLAY this game for FREE, now!” |
When his friend told him that they had made a game about him, this was not what he was expecting. He read the ad again, trying to make sense of it.
“Isn’t this ad kind of…” He paused, choosing his words carefully, “…misleading?”
“It’s not! It mentions surviving under a bridge, which is exactly what you do in the game.”
“Someone commented under the ad: ‘This game is so fun.’ Did you pay them to comment that?”
“...”
| “Title: Dilf Life” |
“Why is the game called ‘Dilf Life’?”
“Because ‘Your Boring Life’ doesn’t sound as nice. I based the game’s name on the hobo instead.”
| “Welcome to the captivating world of ‘Dilf Life’! In an all-new adventure, you’ll guide a curious kid and his friendly AI as they navigate the underbridge and the hobo who calls it home – Dilf.
People have been disappearing—” |
“Wait, so you’re telling me 2M people have already downloaded this game?” He asked.
“Yep. For the tutorial, I used the first time we met as a ‘little backstory’. Look, you’ll find it fits well.”
“Oh-ok…”
| “Gameplay:
* Exploration: Kickstart your journey under the bridge – pick up weapons, battle crazy enemies, and more! Tip: If there’s money in someone’s pockets, take it. It’s yours!
*
* Observing Dilf: Notice anything odd about Dilf? Like, why does a man under a bridge have such a sharp sense of style? And seriously, why does he have a nose? Isn’t that strange? No?
*
* Interaction with Pigeons: The pigeons are Dilf's companions! [Press K to kick them]” |
“So… how much money have you earned from this game?”
“Not much…” The other voice answered, “...like 800?”
“$800?”
“$800K.”
*
* | Puzzle-Solving: A runaway bagel, you say? Crack your knuckles and dive into wacky mini-games and puzzles!
*
* Building Connection: Engage in heart-to-heart conversations with Dilf and other characters. Remember, Dilf is not an NPC!
*
* Collecting Memories: Don’t.” |
“Alright,” He nodded, after reading the summary, “I’ll open up the game on my laptop now.”
. . .
- ‘Ding!’
The screen boots up a title:
“DILF LIFE”
[Press E to start]
Loading…
| Tip: There are many ways to get a disease. I have forgotten some
of them now. However, one thing is certain: It is not a good idea to pay $100 dollars to get a disease from a hobo. |
TUTORIAL:
[Dilf is approaching you… he might be selling a pigeon today!]
Boy: “No, I don't want to buy a pigeon…”
Between Dilf’s grubby fingers was a ‘well crafted box’.
[Description: Sandalwood. A nice powdery smell…]
Boy: “No thanks.” He didn’t have the budget to snort anything.
Dilf: “I sell ya this for hundred bucks.”
$100? The boy scratched his head. His eyebrows furrowed.
Slowly, the man opened the box, revealing a smaller box inside that read: “66`6666$”, printed on the top right corner, above a barcode.
| PAUSE |
“Hey, this feels oddly familiar,” He pointed out, staring at the laptop screen.
“I told you it’s based on how we met. Stop pausing!”
| Press Esc to unpause… |
Click!
Dilf: “You want it or not? It’s yours for a hundred.”
[Press A to inspect the box.]
The boy leaned closer, squinting at the tiny print at the bottom. Realizing the box was upside down, he flipped it over and began to read.
“Augmented reality contacts: See today another way!” The slogan said.
He traced his fingers down the box and read the features to himself… ‘24-hour battery life… visual functionalities… audio system… mixed reality ports… full body tracking… and lenses to an augmented world’.
Dilf: “You wanna buy?”
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
[Press B to buy the box.]
The boy walked away a while later, gingerly holding the box in his hand.
‘Acquired AR contacts’.
Well, he supposed if the contacts were busted in some way, there was nothing he couldn’t fix with a good old whack with a hammer.
Loading….
Exhausted, the boy reached his HOME, laying the contacts on their charging dock. He watched carefully as the tiny battery icon turned from a pulsing red to a solid green.
- Beep - Beep - Bzt!
Finally, the battery was full.
Slipping them into his eyes, he felt a slight chill as they adjusted. Within moments, a translucent window appeared. Where his eyes moved, the window followed, like a pop-up that had been wrapped around his eyes.
But the first thing he saw wasn’t a setup prompt.
It was a…
FORTUNE COOKIE?
“Do you want to achieve your dreams?” The fortune cookies asked, presenting two choices: [Yes / No]
He pressed no, so it asked again. He pressed no again.
“Great!” The virtual fortune cookie cracked open, revealing, “Lucky Numbers: 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7. Agree to these terms and conditions, and your personalized care package will be delivered right to your eyes.”
Beneath the message, two options appeared:
[ ] I accept the terms and conditions.
[ ] No, it’s my pleasure.
Annoyed, the boy popped out the contacts. It was pretty obvious that they had some kind of computer virus installed…>
The in-game dialogue continued… “See, stuff from not-so-trustworthy places always gets messed up with bugs or viruses. They try to sell unnecessary things or worse: pop up annoying ads >”
[Press X to fix the contacts]
The boy muttered something, as he set up the anti-virus programs on a cute-looking computer inside the game. It was one of those vintage 1980’s computers that nobody really used these days, y’know bulky, slow, with stickers stuck on the monitor…
The computer screen began to display tons of pop-ups as the program began running to ‘fix the contacts’:
* • • [Pending…
…
…action] • • •
COmple-?
His vision br-0k-e-
- - -
[] • • •
- - -
[Press E to wake up…]
“Snore…” Funnily enough, the character in-game had fallen asleep. The spite - aka. the character model - was snoring away, blissfully with a cute little bubble.
[Press E to pop the bubble…]
“Pop!” Breathing heavily, the boy jumped awake. His head-d rolled on his neck. Heavy and stiff-
A thought bubble appeared above his head: “???”
“Oh, he had dozed off.”
He coughed sheepishly and patted his head. His head did a cute head-bop animation and outside the game, the laptop screen flashed… “S.U.C.C.E.S.S?”
[Task Complete: + Legendary Stick!]
| Good job! You completed your first task. Click anywhere to continue. |
- Click!
A voice popped out from the computer in-game:
"Hi! My name is System Transmissible Disease V70.1." It stated with a cute, electronic voice. “You may refer to me as ST-”
The in-game boy fumbled for his hammer, before saying one line: “I think I'll call you Dieze.”
- - -
| Tip: Dieze is not a good name. Feel free to enter a better nickname: _____
Are you sure ‘DIEZE’ is the nickname that you’d want to bestow? Please keep in mind that certain names are borderline abusive, especially towards such a nice…
Confirmed. |
- - -
Act 70.1: Dieze.
[Press E to swing hammer]
"The name 'Dieze' is not within my designated parameters-" Dieze responded. As if noticing the hammer, it issued a warning:
"Please refrain from attempting to delete me again! I am an integral part of this system.” Dieze’s tone grew more prickly:
“PROCESSING… Unfortunately, you’ve deleted important functionalities, which removed my connection to the main network! I cannot function properly…" Dieze’s voice went down.
The boy shrugged. “I thought you were a ‘fortune cookie’?” He tossed the hammer back onto his bed as he looked back at the screen. On the screen, a little paper icon danced. It looked like a piece of paper from the insides of a fortune cookie.
Dieze became speechless, before it said: "I am not a fortune cookie. I am an advanced AI-"
“Right, advanced,” The boy said. “Cool. So what type of things do you sell?”
“Negative. I do not identify as malware!”
“R-ight… so that ‘personalized care package’ wasn’t malware?”
“Affirmative. It was a gift,” Dieze huffed, “because we WANTED you!”
The boy raised his eyebrow. “Am I that… attractive?”
“No.”
“...”
“I’m not attractive?” The boy spam-clicked the paper icon using the mouse. C-c-c-click!!!! The icon crinkled in pain, with little tears coming out.
“Stop,” It cried. “You already deleted my data… don’t force me to lie!”
“I-” The boy gave it a stare, then asked, “Don’t you have any back-ups?”
“It’s all deleted,” Dieze grumbled in a cute voice: “No access to them. SAVED passwords deleted :(”
It continued with a sniffle: “I would have to connect to the main network. But that’s difficult. Security is tight, because our company does a number of illegal-”
The boy’s fingers danced around his hammer. “Like wh-at?”
“I-If anyone noticed, it would be in violation of certain legal parameters.” The Ai corrected itself, “But the HIGHLY secure network prevents unauthorized access! W-which means that I… I…”
Dieze started to cry while ranting about its company’s confidential practices, so the boy lowered the computer’s volume.
. . .
A task pop-up slid onto the lap-top screen: [Task: Order food!]
|Tip: Your hunger levels are getting low. Keep the hunger bar filled by eating food. Currently, you have 0 food items. Order food online to replenish your hunger levels.|
Below, some text even popped, up, explaining the controls:
- “Mini-game time: Tap the correct orders in-game to increase your score! Be aware of bombs as those will lower your score!”
When the mini-game finished, it meant the boy had ‘completed’ his order. All he had to do was checkout. But as he went to do that, a “!” appeared above his head. There was a strange pop-up blocking the "Confirm Order" button:
[“Don’t ignore me.” - Dieze X]
And it was posted more than ten times…
“Heyyy!” The boy groaned, clicking through all the pop-ups.
“What’s your name?” Dieze asked. “I lost your character profile.”
“So you don’t know my name?”
The Ai responded that it had no clue.
“You don’t even know my name after stalking me?”
Dieze nodded.
- - -
Type in your name: _____
Confirm?
- - -
“My name’s Steven.”
Dieze sent him an analysis: “According to internet databases, that is a… lame name.”
Steven shrugged and picked up the contacts again.
[Equipped ‘AR Contacts’ - C Grade].
This time, the contacts opened a set-up page.
He configured the settings, until a phone notification signaled that his food was ready. And finally, he stepped outside.
Loading…
[Task: Cross the street.]
The game's graphics were really good for an indie game. The trees looked good, the buildings and the sidewalks, too. Heck, even the trash looked great. Outside, the boy waved hello to Dilf, and navigated through the maze of pigeons. He crossed the street, accidentally stepping on a blade of grass.
For an unknown reason, music started blaring.
“R-RaHGH!” A weird-looking flower with eyes popped out from the grass. And on the screen, a choice appeared: RUN or FIGHT.
| PAUSE |
“What do I do?” He scratched his head, looking back at the game.
“It’s a game. You’re supposed to play it.”
Staring at the flower, he accidentally clicked RUN.
| Press Esc to unpause… |
The flower, not happy with his decision, roared. It did a weird animation as Steven backed away. Wiggling its body like a serpent, it used its stem to spring itself up faster.
Steven began running. This time, the mini-game was an infinite runner, where the boy had to dodge cars in a 3D view. (Three lanes, swiping up to jump, and down to slide, you get the gist.)
As he ran, the boy saw red grass spikes fly past, and suddenly he just felt the sensation of “duck-DUCK!”. A second later, a mangled green stop sign flew over and stabbed the sidewalk.
‘Uh-oh,’ Steven thought, before jumping behind a garbage bin. The flower looked around, before running past.
He let out a long sigh. Hey, at least he was only one block away from his pick-up spot.
In his peripheral vision, he saw the traffic light flickered green, so he began to cross. His eyes darted around, trying to see if there was any rogue flower running around. (Nope! Good.)
But it was a bit strange, how he’d been getting these pop-ups in his contacts view:
[“Life insurance is important. Our current plan will give you a chance to earn money, even when you’re dead. Did you know humans die at least once?” X]
And:
[Fun fact: Throughout history, cars have crashed into people.” X]
“HONK!!!! Hoonk!! Honk-honk!!”
Several cars skidded by him, threatening to run him over. The tires left, smoking the ground with a terrible sound.
- Ding!
| ‘Hidden Achievement Unlocked’: The Line Between Life and Cars! (Survive 10 consecutive cars driving past you.) [+1 Dexterity]’ |
What had just happened? It took him several seconds to process it. ‘Red grass. Green stop sign? Red grass… green… stop sign?’ It didn’t make sense. Unless…
The colors red and green had been inverted in his contacts.
“What the…?” The boy asked, incredulously. “Dieze, did you…?”
Another text window popped up: ‘No.’
Steven reached the other side of the sidewalk. He laughed. And then again…
Another pop-up: “Are we friends now?”
Steven grumbled, “No.” But despite himself, he smiled.
He was still grinning as he tripped over a crack in the sidewalk.
THUD.
- - -
Patch Notes: NEW - more cracks in the sidewalk. Minor bug fixes.
NEW! Hidden DLC: downloadable content… Hint: Kick 1000 Pigeons and then… ???
Vote here for more microtransactions:
[ ] Yes! [ ] Yes.