There are some missions when everything goes wrong, wrong, wrong and it seems like the universe itself has taken a special interest in messing your day up in the worst ways possible. On days like that there is nothing to do but hold on as best you can and hope you get to see tomorrow. The mission that earned me my name was one of those. Before then I was Gold Three, the rookie member of Dragon Wings. Don’t worry too much about remembering that team name, because it doesn’t exist anymore.

That’s how bad the mission was.

I had only been on the team for two weeks, and they made sure I knew I was the rookie. They used to tease me and make fun of me because I wasn’t very powerful, but I never said anything to defend myself. We were sitting around eating breakfast when the alarms started ringing. I stood quickly, knocking my coffee over and onto my legs. My team laughed, and they pushed me aside as we entered the armory so that I was the last to get suited up.

I didn’t care; I had my pistols and my sword, and I was as ready as I could be.

We piled into the Comet and took off. The team had a bad habit of doing their briefings on the run. We passed a single data pad around in the Comet, each taking a moment to see the map of our target. The saucer was rapidly approaching the coast and seemed to be heading right for the glowing red dot. As I watched the screen zoomed in on the dot to show a base of some sort perched on the ice.

“That looks like an oil refinery in the middle of the ice… why do we have to get involved?” said one of my team.

“It’s a research base, stupid. The saucer is approaching it fast, so our job is to get in there and save whom and what we can,” explained our leader angrily, who didn’t like being challenged in any way.

He had a short temper and an even shorter attention span, and he should never have been in command. His name was something complex and long that I don’t fully remember, so I’m going to call him Idiot One.

“What’s the plan?” I asked.

“We fly in there and save everyone while the Fighting Five take the saucer down,” Idiot One said.

I waited for more detail, but that’s all I got. I scratched my head in confusion, because it seemed that we were flying in blind. The base looked big, but I was sure they would have their own evacuation plan and I didn’t want to get in the way.

“Where should we start searching?” I asked.

Idiot One ignored me, so I repeated my question. Our deputy leader – I’m going to call him Idiot Two – slapped the back of my head and pointed at the base on the data screen.

“It’s a fire, and you are a superhero. This isn’t rocket surgery, Gold Five, just get in there and start rescuing people. Or is that too hard?” snapped Idiot Two.

The rest of my team laughed at me, and I hated them a little for it.

Ten minutes later we were nearing the base. There were a dozen Comets trailing along behind us to help with the evacuation, and more to follow. I could tell that whoever and whatever was in the base must have been important. I started powering up my suit, but Idiot Two stopped me.

“Be cool, rookie. We don’t want you accidently teleporting away from combat, right?”

As if I would have. I may not have been much in those days, but I was brave.

“We have incoming,” said Idiot One.

We should have bailed out right then, but we kept flying as the Comet spun in evasive action. Idiot One yelled for us to stay in the Comet, so I gripped my harness as the whole Comet shook, and then the floor was ripped away, leaving my feet dangling. We were low to the ground – too low for parachutes – so I powered my suit up and prepared for a crash. The Comet banked and spun dangerously, and I teleported out just seconds before it hit the ground. I hit the ground head first and blacked out for a while, and when I woke up the wrecked Comet was burning nearby. The only other survivors of the crash were Idiot One and Idiot Two. They weren’t searching for other members of the team, and they looked surprised to see me.

“I knew you would run away, rookie,” said Idiot Two.

“Whatever,” I said as I started flying towards the base.

The saucer was only minutes away, and I could see triclops and other creatures climbing around the base. There was a flash of light and a solid plume of dark smoke began to rise from the base.

“That looks like a problem,” I said.

“Shut up and get in there. We are right behind you,” said Idiot One¸ kicking me in the back.

I must have been a lot stupider then than I am now, because I did what I was told and teleported right into the hellish fires. The smoke was so thick that I couldn’t see anything and blundered through a glass door. The filters in my suit were leaking, and oily fumes filled my helmet.

Something grabbed my arm and I froze, but it was just a scientist in a white coat holding a mask up to her face. I grabbed her and teleported out, dropping her in the snow and then heading right back in. I wandered through labs and office spaces, coughing and choking as I went, but I didn’t see anyone in the building. I kept going until the world began to spin around me and then teleported out to the fresh air and opened my helmet. I had only been in the building for a minute, but it had seemed like forever.

I gasped for fresh air and looked around. Hundreds of people were waiting in lines to be taken away in the Comets, and a pair of superheroes was defending them. One had a huge plasma cannon on her shoulder that looked far too large for her, but she was laying down accurate cover fire that prevented anything dangerous getting near the civilians. She stopped just long enough to wave me over, and I figured she might have asked the civilian scientist which parts of the base still contained people. I started flying towards her but I felt a hard slap on the back of my head.

“Get back in there, rookie!” yelled Idiot Two.

His armor was spotless; I could tell that he hadn’t been into the burning base yet. It made me furious, and something inside me snapped. The next time he tried to slap me I caught his arm and put it in a lock.

“Do that again and you will regret it,” I said calmly.

“Get off him, rookie!” ordered Idiot One as he pulled out a plasma pistol.

He aimed it right at me, centering it at my head. I let Idiot Two go, teleported right behind Idiot One, snatched the pistol from his hands, and then teleported back beside Idiot Two in time to knock him over as he grabbed at where I had been. I had never moved so fast before.

I could tell the two Idiots were taken aback by my speed, but that wasn’t going to stop them trying to get back at me. Things could have got ugly just then, but the voice of reason yelled out from behind me and saved the day.

“You, the guy who can teleport, I need you,” called a woman.

I turned to see the superhero with the plasma cannon nearby. Her nameplate said Tiger Pink, and I could tell that she was in a bad mood. Her armor was blackened from the fire, but her eyes were bright and angry.

“Get lost, he’s mine!” shouted Idiot One.

I had to make a decision.

“Screw you,” I said angrily, and teleported beside the girl with the plasma cannon.

Idiot Two made a move towards me, but Tiger Pink levelled her plasma cannon at him and looked like she might use it. He took the hint and headed towards the burning building. Tiger Pink moved back into a defensive position as if nothing had happened, and I flew beside her, leaving my old team behind me.

“Here’s the situation: there are a couple more superheroes from a different team in there blundering around like drunken hippos. This whole mission is falling apart as we speak, but I sent some people to take the saucer down.”

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“Why didn’t you go?” I asked.

“The civilians are my first priority. Plus, my team leader insisted on being the one to carry the bomb. It doesn’t matter who looks the best as long as the mission is a success, right?”

I didn’t know what to say to that, because I was the only superhero I knew who thought like that. All the others wanted to carry the bomb and save the day, not play a defensive role. Tiger Pink was different; she had been thinking instead of just rushing about.

“That lady you brought out was the last person in the base, so good job. One of the scientists is insisting that there is an alien artifact that still needs rescuing, though. He says it’s the head of some kind of alien leader and insists it might turn the war around. He was really bratty about it, but his boss said that he was a talent and that I should listen to him. Here, he gave me a map.”

She passes me a map of the base with a big red cross in part of it.

“My helmet filters are broken, I need to change them.”

“I’m sorry, but there is no time. We need this artifact, and only you can get it. Get this thing and you might save the world.”

“Me?” I asked in surprise.

“Yes, you. I would never lie to you about something like that. Now, are you set?”

How could I say no to that? I closed my helmet, cracked my neck, and checked the charge on my new plasma pistol.

“Set,” I said.

So I teleported right back into the smoke and fire, but at least this time I had a plan. I found myself in a messy workshop full of odd weapons and huge pieces of saucer tech. I looked around desperately as I tried to work out which one was the artifact I was after. A red sphere burst into the room and I fired on it, hitting it dead center. It rolled to a stop and I shot it again, and it exploded into bright blue fire.

I was beginning to panic when I saw what looked a little like a squid head inside a large crystal ball. Someone had written ‘property of Simon Smith’ over it in thick black pen for some reason, but underneath the pen I could see that the head was still moving slightly. I grabbed it with both hands as the wall behind me collapsed, bringing part of the ceiling down on me in a rain of bricks and mortar dust. A figure stormed right in blasting wildly with a laser rifle, and I ducked as a shot went right past my head. My assailant was another superhero, but he must have thought I was an enemy because he shot me in the leg.

“Wait!” I screamed, but he shot me again right in the chest, knocking me back.

I fell backwards into the red fire, still clutching the squid head.

My suit was on fire – I was on fire! I couldn’t see and I couldn’t hear, but I knew I had to get out of there. I teleported as far from the refinery as I could, and for a second I was safe high above the base. I took a deep breath, looked around and screamed.

I was right in the path of an oncoming Comet. I saw the panic in the pilot’s face as the Comet sped into me. I bounced hard across a wing and into an engine intake. The Comet’s engines sucked me in, and for a desperate second my world became a small, dark place that spun so wildly that I still have nightmares about it.

I bounced around for what seemed like an eternity but must only have been seconds before the engine spat me out again, and then I dropped like a stone towards the ground, hitting it so hard that I felt my left leg break. The Comet has crashed nearby, and the pilot’s parachute was overhead.

Being caught up in the engine hadn’t put all the flames on my suit out, so I rolled around in the snow until my skin was cold again. My suit was a wreck, torn and molten from the fire and collision, broken from my fall, wet from the melted snow. By some miracle I had managed to keep hold of my prize, although it was looking a little worse for wear.

“Phew,” I said in relief.

I stood up carefully and saw a white triclops watching me. Each of its arms ended in a long, thin sword that looked like they were made of ice. The triclops rattled the swords together and charged at me. I tucked the alien head under my arm, drew a pistol and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

I swore loudly and reached for the shotgun on my back, but it must have been ripped free in the Comet’s engine. My desperation grew as my hands went to my belt and found that my sword was also missing.

“It’s just that kind of a day, isn’t it?”

The triclops was only a few feet away when I teleported a short distance backwards. I drew a knife – my only other weapon to survive the day – and readied myself. I knew I only had one chance to bring the triclops down, and I would have to get lucky. The triclops charged again, and I teleported right behind its head and stabbed as hard as I could. My knife ripped into its neck as it spun towards me, and I felt a burning cold in my side as it stabbed me.

We both went down together, and I lost hold of my knife. I rolled to my feet as the Comet pilot landed beside me, his parachute the only spot of color in this white world. He was unconscious, so his parachute tugged at his body in the wind. I walked over to pick him up, and tried to teleport us both to safety. The world flickered uncertainly, and when it returned I hadn’t moved.

“Damn,” I said with some feeling.

The triclops jerked as if shocked. Its swords melted and reformed into short axes, and then it stood up.

“Now that is just not fair,” I said.

I dropped the squid head onto the pilot’s head and moved to put myself between him and the triclops. I didn’t think I could stop it, but I had to try. I charged at the triclops, ducked under a blade and kicked it for all I was worth, somehow pushing it over. I brought my elbow down as hard as I could, but the triclops moved slightly and I hit it right in one of its armored plates. My elbow exploded in pain and the triclops caught me with an axe blade.

I had no weapons, no team, and no hope. I knew then I was a dead man, but I still struggled.

I punched the triclops in the head and it exploded. For a second I thought that had been me, but then I noticed Tiger Pink standing a distance away looking down the barrel of her gun. She jumped in the air and landed beside me.

“What happened to you?” she said.

“There was a lot of fire, then someone shot me, then I was inside a Comet’s engine, and then that thing attacked me. It was pretty awful, really. Do you have any painkillers?” I said with a moan.

“Sure, I always pack a few,” she said, throwing me a medical kit.

I flicked it open with my good hand and rummaged through it. I am only allergic to one type of medicine in this world, an unusual painkiller that is rarely used. Tiger Pink had packed them but no others.

“Come on,” I whispered.

I thought about using them, but they would have killed me really quickly.

“What’s wrong?” Tiger Pink asked.

“I’m allergic to these, do you have any others?”

“No, I’m allergic to all the others except these… sorry.”

I tried not to cry, but a few drops rolled out of my eyes and onto an exposed wire in my helmet, giving me an almighty shock. That’s the kind of mission it had been.

“I hate today,” I said, lying on my back as my head swam.

The saucer was still coming for us, but there was no way I could escape without help. I propped myself up to watch it as it got closer.

“My team must have failed to get the bomb to it. I’m not surprised; they were amateurs. I can drag you out of here, if you need. It will hurt,” Tiger Pink said.

“Yes, thanks.”

A flare fell out of the sky leaving a trail of glowing smoke in the air like a meteor. The flare was followed by a burning ball of light that hit the saucer hard, entering it. The saucer began to wobble and dropped closer to the ground, and then exploded. The ball of fire flew out and towards us, becoming a short superhero who landed beside us.

I recognized him as Dark Fire. He was a lot shorter than I had expected, but all I could think of was that he was powerful enough to take a saucer down by himself.

He flipped open his helmet and turned to Tiger Pink, ignoring me entirely.

“Hello, Tiger. This place is a total mess. You two better catch the last Comet out of here while we clean up. I’m glad I found you here, though.”

“Why?” she asked, apparently not looking at all impressed by the arrival of the legendary superhero that we had all thought was dead.

“I’ve heard you are quite the tactician. I’m putting a new team together and I want you on it. We are going to do a whole lot of fighting but absolutely no posing for cameras. I know it’s not what you are used to, but I get the feeling that it’s something you might like. What do you say?”

“Fine, I was looking for a way out of my current team anyway. I’ll join, but if you aren’t up to my standards then I’m leaving. And I’m changing my name, because Tiger Pink is stupid.”

Dark Fire nodded.

“What about me?” I asked.

“After what we saw today? No, this whole mission has been a total mess and just about everyone involved in it have been total screw-ups. I don’t want people like you anywhere near my new team,” said Dark Fire.

“This wasn’t his fault. I say we take him,” said the superhero that had yet to pick a new name.

“You’ve been on this team for five seconds and you think you can tell me what to do?” Dark Fire said with some annoyance.

She shrugged, and I got the distinct impression that she didn’t care what anyone thinks about her.

“You are wrong, he’s just unlucky. He did well today, and I think he could be useful.”

“No. You know who I am, so you know that my word on this is final,” says Dark Fire, and little flames burst out of his hands.

“If you aren’t willing to listen to me, then I won’t work for you. I quit,” my new ally said.

I could tell that she wasn’t just doing this to help me; she was goading Dark Fire to see how he reacted. It was a dangerous game, but her face was calm and she didn’t seem at all worried.

“You… you must be joking,” said Dark Fire.

“If we are going to work together, you are going to have to deal with me being the kind of person who Never Lies. My last few bosses couldn’t handle that, but can you?”

I expected Dark Fire to be furious, but he just smiled.

“Yeah,” he said, “I guess I will have to. I have to say that you are living up to your reputation. You better get on board.”

She grabbed my suit and started pulling me to a Comet. It hurt a lot, but I tried not to scream too much in case she changed her mind about me.

“It’s a pity you couldn’t get the artifact, but I’m sure you tried,” she said as she dragged me towards the pilot.

“I did,” I gasped.

“What?”

“I did get it, it’s by the pilot.”

She grabbed the squid’s head with her free hand and dropped a flare beside the pilot. Then she dragged me along, leaving the pilot behind.

“We should get him, too,” I said.

“No, you are more important. How did you manage to keep that thing?”

“You said I needed to get it, so I did what you said and got it.”

She smiled when she heard that.

“No-one listens to me,” she said.

“I do.”

She strapped me in as the Comet took off and gave me a drink of water.

“You look terrible,” she said.

“Thanks. I can see that you are just going to be charming to work for.”

I placed my helmet next to me as softly as I could, but it still broke in two when I let it go. I coughed out black blood onto my hand, and then leant back and sighed deeply.

“So what went wrong today?” she asked.

I try to think about what happened and what I did wrong, but the only thing I could have done was teleport faster.

“I’ve just had one hell of a Bad Day.”