I’ve – been – here – before

You, walking out the door

Closed, shut tight, locked from outside

I can't get in, I can't get you out

Your room and my mind, you're trapped inside

Can't set free, I can't set you free

Alone in that tree

Miserable but carefree

Can’t let go, I can’t let you go

Your heart, your soul, an angel aglow

In a glimmering light, as white as snow

And now when I hear your name

I think back to those days

But I know it will never be the same

The light died out and it's too late to rewind

So, Tell me what's on your mind

Because I don't know, know, know, nooo

I don't know

All I know

An eclipse of your wings from angel to crow

Where did it go, your glowing halo

Used to soar, you used to soar

High above clouds, wherever the wind blows

Now you're angel no more, angel no more

When I hear your name, Fuyuko

Oh, Fu – yu – ko

Tell me what's on your mind

Because I don't know, know, know, nooo

I don't know

No, I don't know

You walked out the door

Died at the core

Now you're angel no more, angel no more

No, you're no longer an angel anymore

Dropping her name in the song was something I did on impulse, only during the recording of the song, it was an accident.

Doesn’t really sound believable, does it?

When I wrote this song, I didn’t really think about its aftermath. The thought of the possible consequences only came to mind when I finished recording.

That’s when I asked my producer if I could do a retake without her name, but he insisted on leaving it in. This obviously created a lot of media attention waving over us.

The producer had probably planned this outcome and saw the positives of the controversy I created. Negative media attention is still media attention after all.

The next Saturday, after the song got publicly released, I had quite the amount of people halting me to ask about the song.

Fuyuko was quite the celebrity in our industry, known for her delicate nature of both her demeanour and her songs. Heart-attack, I’m Free and Your Delicate Touch are all songs of her that regularly get played on the radio.

When she wrote her memoir about her tragic past, she gained even more favour with the people.

But to me, Fuyuko was just a girl I used to know. She had silver-white hair with a small and cute face. She looked like an angel, was as kind as an angel—she truly was an angel. But since the day we parted, all divinity seemed to have faded away.

I, unrequitedly, held her dear to heart, which only ended up in it breaking.

“Kuruno Koji!”

I turned around, seeing an overly enthusiastic LuNA greeting me.

“Your balls of steel got you in proper trouble, huh?” She laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard enough about it already.”

“So, how will you save the day? Got some kind of super-excuse at the ready?”

“Hm?” I was a little confused. “Can’t I just wait this one out? If we stay silent on our part, it will probably die as a news topic, won’t it?”

She started laughing, like she usually did. “You’ve got no idea, kid. If you stay silent, people will start making things up, those made-up rumours will spread as the ‘truth’.”

I hadn’t really looked at it in that way, but it made a lot of sense. “So, I have to act quickly,” I implied.

“Why don’t you start by telling me what all of this is about? Is it even about the Hori Fuyuko?”

“…Yeah it is,” I admitted.

“Are you some kind of secret admirer or something? A stalker perhaps?”

“Please, leave me alone,” I said with a heavy sigh.

“Alright, alright. Good luck with this one, troublemaker.” To my own surprise, she gave in and continued… doing whatever she was about to do before stopping me.

That same day, around noon, I was quickly met with another problem.

“Hey, Koij. Have you heard anything about Katou?” our producer asked as he entered his office where I was waiting.

“No… Is something wrong?”

“She isn’t here yet, and I can’t reach her phone.”

I stood up from his chair, took my phone out of my pocket and rang her number.

One beep, two beeps, I lost count of beeps and no reply.

“We’re probably getting worked up over nothing,” he said. “It’s winter already, she might’ve caught a cold.”

He sat down on his chair, opened up a newspaper and tapped his fingers on the desk.

“Look,” he pointed at me in the newspaper. With a bright smile he jested, “We should aim for the front page next time.”

I chuckled at his joke, but got serious again soon after. “Should we prepare some sort of excuse?” I asked, keeping what LuNA had said earlier in mind.

“Don’t worry. For now, we’ll see how things go. If they escalate, we’ll come up with something.”

We set that issue aside for now, and continued working on my next song. Though that didn’t really go as smoothly as we had hoped. After three hours, we still had nothing.

“Days like these are bummers,” he sighed. “Want to call it quits for today?”

“Yeah, I think that’s for the better.”

In truth, I had a hunch as to why things weren’t going that well. Katou still hadn’t called me back, my worries were getting a bit to my head, and surely they went to his’s too.

I said my goodbyes and left his office. Running into LuNA once again. As usual, it seemed as if she was doing absolutely nothing, roaming the hallways aimlessly.

“Well, well, well… look who it isn’t,” she taunted.

I gave her a disinterested look, not letting her walk over me.

“Hm? What’s wrong, no snappy comeback this time?”

I shook my head, “Not today, no.”

“Something wrong?” she asked, somehow coming across as legitimately concerned.

“It’s just that Katou hasn’t showed up today, and we can’t reach her either.”

“Of course not,” she instantly replied. “You just made a song about your angel and whatnot.”

“Huh…? She wouldn’t let something like that get in the way of her own work.”

She wore a mischievous smile on her face, mocking me—again.

“Anyway, I’ll be going home now. See you around.”

I called mom up. Even though I didn’t want LuNA’s words to get to me, I still had a bit of doubt.

On the phone, I asked her if it was alright if I took the train to Shizuoka. Checking in on Katou and while I’m there, I might as well visit Hibino again.

She told me that she’d let Hibino know. With the green light given, I went back to Shizuoka again.

Once on the train, I realised I didn’t know her address, though that wasn’t a problem, since our producer did.

I had her address, but not the directions, so I simply asked around until I got to her house.

It was at the end of a very long street. I pressed the doorbell, waited a bit, but got no response. I tried again. This time the door got opened… by a ghost.

“…Koji?” she sniffed. Her voice sounded soft and low.

She was standing in the door opening, covered in a white blanket. Her face looked equally pale.

“Are you alright?”

She sniffed again, “Yeah, just a little cold.” She turned around and blew her nose. “Sorry, it might be more than just a ‘little’.” A sudden smile appeared on her face, “I’m glad you came all the way here to check up on me.”

Her hoarse voice was worrying me. “Is your throat alright?”

She nodded, “It’s alright, just a little sore is all.”

“Have you been drinking enough water?”

“Yes, mom,” she said with a playful smile. “Although we did run out of water bottles. So I’ve been going—” she coughed twice, then continued, “—back and forth between the sink and my bed with a glass.”

“Hang on, I’ll go get you a bottle.”

At a rapid pace, I walked to the beginning of the street. I went into the grocery store, only when I had a bottle of water in my hand, I remembered that I didn’t have any money on me. I’ve been running around like a headless chicken all day now…

“…Excuse me.”

At the touch on my shoulder I immediately turned my head around.

“Are you Kuruno Koji?” the lady asked.

I was surprised to get recognised like this, especially by someone quite a bit older than me.

“It really is you! Can I get a signature, please?”

I nodded, but then quickly shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I came to this store to buy water for my sick friend.”

“Oh, my… you’re in a hurry, huh. Sorry to bother,” she said with her head bowed down in apology.

“No worries… but may I selfishly ask for a favour?”

She had quite the puzzled expression on her face.

“I quickly made my way here, but forgot to bring money with me.”

The reassuring smile on her face made me feel relieved, even before she said, “Sweetie, let’s go get your friend that bottle of water alright?”

She hung her basket on her forearm while she was reaching for the money. “Here you go,” she said as she dropped the coins in the palm of my hand.

“Thank you very much! May I ask your name?”

She pushed me on the back, “Off to the register, you. I’m Fujii Sakura.”

“I’ll remember it, thank you very much!” I repeated.

I quickly bought the bottle and ran my way back to her house. I was glad to see from afar that she closed the door and didn’t wait out in the cold on me. Instead of using the doorbell, I softly knocked on the door, which she instantly opened.

“Welcome home.”

I walked in, “I got you some water.”

Her house was tidy. Quite the opposite of her chaotic side, though I don’t think she’s the reason it’s so clean.

“Are your parents out?” I asked her, not keeping that in mind at all when I entered her house.

“They’re both at work right now.” She was slowly strolling behind me with teeny tiny steps.

“You should get some rest.”

“You’re right.” She had been talking too much, now her voice was even lower than before.

She looked as if she could fall over any moment, so I lent the blanket ghost my shoulder and helped her getting on the stairs.

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“That’s my room,” she pointed at one of the doors upstairs. I opened it and helped her in. Her room was much more Katou-like compared to the living room. Sheet music on the floor, her schoolwork piled up on her desk and her laundry basket piling over.

“We made it,” I said.

“We did,” she giggled.

She got into bed, under her sheets. I placed the water bottle on her nightstand next to the empty glass.

“Koji, can you do one more thing for me?”

“Sure, what is it?”

She handed me the glass and said, “Can you please bring the glass back to the kitchen. I’m not supposed to be having it in my room…”

“Will do. I’ll be seeing myself out then. Get better soon.”

With that said, I turned around to make my way out, my exit interrupted by the familiar sound of Katou’s stomach growling.

I turned towards her again. “Have you eaten anything nutritious today?”

“…Not really.”

“Go get some rest, I’ll think of something. Is it alright if I use whatever I find in the kitchen?”

“…You don’t have to, you know.”

“Close your eyes, I’ll be right back.”

I don’t know how to cook… at all…

I’ve only ever helped Hibino out, so I’ve seen how to cook. But other than helping a chef at work, I’ve never actually done anything on my own.

Still, I made my way downstairs. Found the kitchen, washed her glass, searched in which cabinet its companions are put away. Once that was done, it was time to cook.

I prepared some rice in the rice cooker, prayed her parents wouldn’t come home, started cutting the chicken, prayed some more. Next, I cut the vegetables and sliced garlic in pieces.

These steps were my bread and butter. This was my stuff, the kind of cooking where no cooking skills are required. But now it was time for the real work, the moment fire gets involved.

I did one final prayer that no one would return home, because not only did I look like a burglar, I also felt like one intruding in a mother’s holy palace; the kitchen.

Luckily, for the next twenty minutes or so, no one came home and I managed to serve an edible plate of curry rice.

Then, after putting in all that effort to make it, I realised that it wouldn’t go well with her sore throat.

I wasted about half an hour of time, and got literally nothing done. Who would eat a hot and slightly spicy meal when their throat is sore.

I’m an idiot.

I settled on making something nice on the throat and easy to swallow, miso soup. Again, starting with a prayer that no one would be coming home.

I wrapped the curry rice up and placed it in the fridge, along with an apology note. I washed everything I used, and went upstairs with the soup.

When I opened the door, I saw her peacefully sleeping. I didn’t have it in me to wake someone up who’s sleeping so peacefully. I placed the bowl of soup next to her bottle of water.

With all of that done, I left the house.

* * *

Since I went to Shizuoka again, and missed the chance to do so last time, I went back to the orphanage to visit Hibino. Surely she was missing me.

It was quite the walk from where Katou lives, but I didn’t feel like taking the bus. I wanted to walk through these streets again. Absorbing the winter scenery that sucks all the nostalgic feelings out of my body.

I love it here.

I knew that if my music career would come to an end, that I’d spend the rest of my days living and working here.

Perhaps it’s common for people who lived their dreams in Big Tokyo to return to where they came from after. Not that I was planning on putting an end to the dream I was living in anytime soon. Not again.

Late in the evening, I finally arrived and rang the doorbell.

Unlike earlier, it didn’t take long before the door opened. However, it wasn’t opened by Hibino, not by Tanaka visiting, nor a new caretaker I had yet to meet. Not by one of the orphans, either.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

It was Fuyuko.

Right there, in front of me. For the first time in ages.

She didn’t look angry, or upset, but not happy or delighted to see me again either. Expressionless, a version of Fuyuko I had yet to meet.

I, on the other hand, was very visibly shocked.

Before I could say anything, she closed the door behind her and walked past me. “Follow me.” Is all that she said until we arrived at the park. A place we often went to. Although that, just like everything else with her, is far in the past now.

When we arrived at the tree that doesn’t look as gigantic as it did when we were kids, she said the first thing since we left.

“I hate you, Koji.” She looked me in the eyes, in her sharp gaze I could tell she meant every bit of what she just said.

I was still in shock from seeing her, let alone hearing this, I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet.

“We made a promise, didn’t we?”

Of course I remembered our promise. Nomura, Fuyuko and me. Together we promised to become world’s best musicians, like the naïve children we were. But I was well on my way, and so was she.

“I do. We promised to make it to the biggest stage, together with Nomura.”

She averted her eyes and bit on her lip, “Not that one, silly.”

I was confused, I had no recollection of any promises I made other than that one.

She took a step forward and placed her hand on the tree, gently gliding down, letting go and turning back to me.

“A Sunday evening. I was crying, you held me in your arms—a warm and comforting embrace. I said, ‘I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to go back,’ with tears uncontrollably rolling down my eyes.

How could I forget?

“You grabbed me tighter and said, ‘I’ll figure something out, no matter what. I’ll make sure you’ll be brought back here. I will talk to Tanaka and Hibino. I’ll make sure you’re safe.’”

Somehow, along the way, I forgot the promise we made that day. How did I forget? All this time I had been blaming her when all of this was on me. Angel no more I said, but it was Koji no more. I’m the one who forgot, I’m the one who changed.

“I cried, and cried and cried, you held it together and made me believe you would come to the rescue. When I got beaten by my mother, I endured it. Believing you would save me someday. Somehow, someway. The Koji I knew always found a way. Three years later, when I was thirteen, and mother got yet another partner, she kicked me out of the house, because he didn’t like me. With nowhere to go, I was alone in the cold rain, sleeping on the street with nothing to drink or eat for two entire days. Until her relationship went down the drain like it always does and she went out to find me and bring me back home.”

I remember reading this part in her memoir.

“When I got home, still lingering hope that one day all my suffering would come to an end by your hands, Koji, I saw yet another thing that broke me down.”

Her eyes had been watery for a while now, but now she was crying.

“I saw you on television. Playing the guitar as beautifully as I had imagined you would. You seemed happy. You have a last name now. You must be happy. You made a couple of songs. You must’ve been happy. All the while I was suffering, badly. And my last strand of hope, you, wouldn’t ever come to my rescue.”

She stopped for a moment to catch her breath and wipe her tears away. While I was still helplessly staring and listening to her words, each and every one of them punching my heart until it goes numb.

“We’re still just children,” she continued, “so, I didn’t expect you to solve all my problems in a heartbeat. All I wanted was your comfort. Your voice, your embrace, just you, Koji. Your comfort that I took for granted.”

More tears were wept away, while I was still speechless.

“Oh, how hard it was to accept that I had been taking you for granted. But I was done crying, I had no tears left to spill. I started doing what I really love to do, singing. I sang to my heart’s content. I’m sure you’ve heard some of my songs. I resumed my piano practice as well. Then, I turned my journal into a memoir. Deciding to leave you out of it, the same way you left me out of your life.”

She took another deep breath.

“That would be the end of us. We had parted ways a long time ago. That would’ve been the end. But you made a song, clearly about me, even before you said my name, I already knew. ‘Angel no more’.”

She started crying again. This time, I couldn’t bear to look.

“Is that how you see it, Koji? You’re the one who made me an angel… and you’re also the one who broke my wings. All the while not even spending a second thinking about me.”

Snowflakes gently started falling down. This is where I had to interrupt.

“You’re right. You’re right Fuyuko. I’ve been unfairly blaming you for losing you. But you’re also wrong. You’re so wrong, Fuyuko. From the day we parted to today, there hasn’t been a single day where you didn’t pop up in my mind.”

I had to slow down, too. I took a deep breath and continued.

“You’re right. I should’ve done more for you. I shouldn’t have broken the promise we made. But how many burdens do you think a single little Koji can carry on his shoulders before that little Koji breaks. I’ve had it hard, too. Perhaps not as hard as you. Well, surely not as hard as you. But don’t write my burdens off simply because yours have been worse.”

She opened her mouth, but this time she didn’t say anything.

I did. “I’m not the one who made you an angel. Look at you now. You don’t need me to fly.”

She didn’t say anything to that either. All of her punches had landed. She turned around again, not to the tree this time, but to the way back. She left and I was left with a numb heart.

While she walked away, I raised my gaze to the tree. For a moment, the world stopped. I didn’t feel the blistering cold brushing over my face. The niveous breeze didn’t bother blowing the smooth strands of my hair around anymore. The snow that started falling not even a minute ago, stopped in the air.

The only living scene were two little children with the world at their feet sitting down on the thickest branch of that tree.

There were no angel wings, no glimmering light. On this winter night, I realised; I let go.

Not the other way around.

On this winter night,

Change settles in like the snow,

I let Fuyuko go.