MY TIME AS A THIRD YEAR flew by. During that time, Kashimoto won the Nationals—the promise edition where high schoolers compete. Katou won the one I won last year, the junior Nationals.
She started working together with the producer I used to work with. She made two love songs as well. I guess the producer really has a thing for them.
One of them is titled ‘You May Be in Love’ and the other one is called ‘Aimlessly Looking For You’.
Both of them seemed aimed at me.
I was listening to the radio in my room, not doing much else, when I heard her song for the first time
I heard your song on a cold winter day
"You may be in love," the words you say
It made me smile, but then I felt the pain
Her voice reminded me of the calm part of her Silent Mayhem. I was also pretty sure she was talking about me in her song after the second line.
For every word, I wished it was for me
But then hit me; reality
Even if I close my eyes it’s still clear to see
After this followed the increase in pace.
I know that I'm not the one
You sing about, in the morning sun
My heart aches with each line
I wish that you were mine
Then followed the switch-up in style, the Mayhem part.
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I wish that I could love you more
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I'll have to find a way to let you go, for sure
Surely she didn’t know who “her” was, but I felt her desperation for the old Koji to return in the song. I didn’t know how to react to it. For the rest of the song, I listened with an empty mind.
You may be in love with her
But my heart, it still prefers
The thought of you and me together
I know that I'm not the one
You sing about, in the morning sun
My heart aches with each line
I wish that you were mine
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I wish that I could love you ever more
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I'll have to find a way to let you go, for sure
I can't help how I feel
But I know it's time to heal
My heart will mend in time
And I'll find love that's mine
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I wish that I could love you even more
But it's not me, it's her you adore
I'll have to find a way to let you go, for sure
I'll have to find a way to let you go, for sure
It's her you adore
I've got no chance anymore
"You may be in love," but it's not me who you've fallen for
. . .
It's not me who you've fallen for
I didn’t know how to feel anymore. To distract myself from the lyrics, I started analysing the song in my head. The structure was pretty much the same as my first, it was produced by the same person after all.
Her next song came out a few months later, ‘Aimlessly Looking For You’. This one made me feel even more unsure of what to do than the last.
This song was about aimlessly looking for a person that changed until he was unrecognisable. That’s pretty much what the current Koji was to her; unrecognisable.
When I terminated my contract, the producer said, “If you ever change your mind, we’ll welcome you back with open arms. Good luck with your future, Koji.”
If I wanted to go back to how it used to be, how Katou would like it, I could simply walk back into the studio and get back into music.
But no matter how much she would like that, it could never happen. Even if I wanted it to happen, it could never. At this point in time it had already been a year since I last played the guitar.
Another spring break, I turned fifteen, and not much later I would be starting my first year as a high schooler.
I would be going to the same school as Morita. Throughout my fall-out with making music, he never backed down on his goal of “sharing the stage”, as he said it.
When I arrived at the school, he was waiting for me in front of the gates.
“Yo, Koji! Been a while. Missed my smile? Sure you did, let’s greet in style,” he held his fist out his fist. When I bumped it, he launched it backwards with a “Booom!”
“How have you been?” I asked him.
“Great man. I used spring break to grow, now I’m the best rapper in the country, da-yow.”
“Let’s head to class, alright? Have you already checked in which one we are?”
“Sure did!” he saluted. “We’re in 1-D together, nice, right? Couldn’t be better!”
“Yeah, as long as you keep your tape recorders home.”
“No can do,” he laughed.
While walking through the hallways, we were nearing a group of girls, to which Morita said, “This year, I’ll have to get a girlfriend, that’s what I aspire. Otherwise, my manhood… might expire.”
I laughed, “The heck does that mean?”
Whilst we walked past the group, there was a girl whose eyes I met. My body shivered, but I wasn’t sure yet why it did.
I continued walking, but couldn’t help myself from turning around. As I did, I saw her doing the same.
Then she said, “…Koji?”
Her hair was longer now. She’s a lot taller now, too. Though still shorter than I am. I stood still, staring at her in awe at her sudden appearance. The others near us got halted in their tracks too and I felt their gazes fixated on us. The same goes for the group of girls that she was standing with.
“…Nomura?”
She took a step, slowly followed by another, then she took a full on sprint and leaped right into my arms.
“It’s been so long!” She let go of me and started bouncing up and down, “You’ve gotten so good at the guitar! I was super shocked, you know, when I saw you on TV! Oh, I’ve listened to your songs as well, they’re awesome! I was so sad when I heard you were going to quit, though.”
Very Nomura-like, her dialogue and facial expressions were all over the place.
“I know, but it can’t be helped. There’s too many fangirls like you who want to jump into my arms.”
For some reason, I felt the good-old urge to annoy her. I’ve always had that urge since we were little. The sibling-like quarrels. I can’t lie, I missed those.
“Huh?! Koji! I’m much more to you than just a fangirl, right?!”
With this sudden encounter, we’ve gathered quite the bit of attention on our first day of school.
“Koji… don’t tell me you already beat me to it? You’ve got a girlfriend in less than a minute?” Morita wept.
“She’s an old acquaintance,” I said.
“I’m not an acquaintance!” she protested.
It was strange. It had been so long, and there we were, talking to each other as if all those years in between had never happened.
“I’m heading to class now,” I said. “I’m in 1-D, what about you?”
She looked exaggeratedly sad and said, “I’m in 1-A.”
“Lucky me,” I said with a smile.
She pinched my upper arm with quite the force, “What was that?” She increased the power until I took my words back.
“Sorry, sorry, I was joking.”
“Hmph.”
She dropped the quarrel routine and smiled, “I’m glad we’re going to the same school again. See you around!”
Morita and I continued our way to the classroom.
“That girl you talked to… Are you an item, you two?”
I shook my head, “We lived together in my orphanage for seven years.” I put my index finger on my lips, “But don’t tell anyone, she might be hiding it.”
“You sure trust me a lot with this secret of yours. No worries, my mouth is shut as tight as bank vault doors.”
We arrived at the classroom. The seats were written on the black board. I quickly scanned over them until I saw mine. I was seated one seat away from the window, separated from it by a girl. Meanwhile, Morita sat all the way on the other side of the classroom, the first seat in his row.
“Kuruno Koji,” he cried out, “look where I sit! All the way in the front, that’s a bunch of bullsh—”
I pushed my entire hand on his mouth. He sighed out loud when I let go, “Aw man, let’s hope for better seats next time,” he sighed again. “I’m so down, I don’t even feel like dropping a rhyme.”
The both of us sat down in our seats.
Apparently, a couple minutes after Morita and I entered the school building, the word already got around that ‘Kuruno Koji is here’.
Nomura’s entrée only amplified the speed it got spread at, because of how long we stood still in the hallway.
Only when I sat down did it really hit me. I hadn’t seen her in person in nearly eight years. Yet it was as if nothing changed. She’s still the old Nomura from back in the orphanage.
Another surprise quickly followed when I saw yet another familiar face walking past me in the classroom.
“Kashimoto?”
“Morning,” he said with his eyes closed whilst sitting down behind me next to the window. He opened his eyes again and then yelled out in surprise, “Forty-seven?! What are you doing here?”
“No, what are you doing here?” The both of us were equally surprised. “Aren’t you supposed to be a year above us or something?”
“Well, you see, last year’s attendance and absence-y thingy was like thirty days. So I had to repeat this year,” he said matter-of-factly.
“…You skipped thirty days?”
He shook his head, “I came to school for a total of thirty days.”
I was even more surprised than I was earlier. But then I thought back to when we were killing time and he told us three crazy truths. There would certainly be more to come of this.
All of a sudden, Morita carried his chair across the classroom and placed it down, on the left side in front of me. This way he could see both me and Kashimoto at the same time.
“Boys, this is hard on me, I’m stuck in the mud. I’m seated all the way over there while you two are being all buddy-bud.”
“Hey, forty-seven. Who’s this?”
“Morita,” I said.
“‘Forty-seven’ let’s get one thing straight, is that your secret nickname or something, mate?” Morita asked.
“Only he calls me that though,” I gestured at the most brilliant weirdo. “His name is Kashimoto.”
“What’s all of this, Kuruno Koji, yo? Do you know everyone here already, da-yow?”
“I don’t think I know enough people to come across anyone here again,” I said.
The person seated next to me and the one next to Kashimoto were getting pretty awkward because of the three of us. The girl sitting next to me was getting extra embarrassed since Morita was pretty much seated right at her desk.
She, and the boy behind me, got saved by the teacher entering the classroom. After his entrance followed introductions, the opening ceremony and soon after we were free to go home.
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The newly formed group of friends; Kashimoto, Morita and me were standing in front of the school gates.
“Today was over quickly, we’re blessed. See you tomorrow, let’s meet right here, I suggest.”
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
“Uh-huh. See you two tomorrow.”
We all said goodbye and took our leaves home… all in the same direction.
We didn’t say anything for a minute. Until I broke the silence, “Hey, guys,” I grabbed their attention, and we stopped acting as if we didn’t see each other. “We can’t say goodbye and then head the same way home. That’s super awkward.”
“You’re right,” Kashimoto nodded in agreement. “Then, who gets this route and which route should the others take?”
I slapped my palm on my forehead and sighed, “That’s not what I meant,” I said. “We can’t keep acting as if we don’t see each other. We’ll just say our goodbyes again when we actually part ways.”
Kashimoto held his head in his fist and nodded, which I pictured like a wise man with a long beard, “That sounds better than my proposal.”
We ended up walking down the same road for about ten minutes before parting ways on a crossing where Morita took a turn left and Kashimoto went right.
The remainder of my road home, I was thinking about Nomura. I didn’t really go out of my way to find her again after the opening ceremony, but since we’re going to the same school now, I didn’t think there was any reason to rush.
After that first day of school, I heard Katou’s new song on the radio. It was called ‘Whispers of the Storm’ the first original song of hers that wasn’t indirectly talking to me. I liked it, but this also gave me the idea she had given up on my return. Rightfully so.
“That was Katou’s brand new song, ‘Whispers of the Storm’. And she’s actually… right here! Katou, congratulations on your new song.”
“Thank you very much. It’s a little different from my previous two, but I hope my fans will like it.”
“Oh, I’m sure they will, it’s so good!”
The rest of the conversation was some chit-chat, though it was refreshing to hear from Katou again after so long.
“Alright, Katou, before we let you go, I’ve got one more question. Are there any details about your next song you can share?”
“I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say… but I’ll let you in on the title, ‘I can wait forever’ please look forward to it.”
Somehow, my entire body got all warm.
She didn’t give up on me.
The start of my high school life went well. During last spring break I got my first phone, a flip phone. I exchanged mail addresses at school with Morita, Kashimoto and Nomura first. Then quickly followed some other people who wanted it for bragging rights.
Even though my role as a creator of music had died out a long while ago, people still treated me the same as when I was a hot topic. I was truly grateful, and now wished all the more that I could find it again. I believed it was getting close.
Morita’s pestering gets me in the mood to make music, though I’d never admit that in person to him. Seeing Kashimoto again, especially after his win on the big stage, was slowly lightning up that fire again.
I got reunited with Nomura, which feels as if we’d never parted ways. I wanted to show her just how cool I’ve gotten over the years.
And of course, Katou, too. She’s the one anticipating my return the most.
Mother and father, although they don’t say it, they definitely, too, want me to come back.
And there’s one more person who I haven’t forgotten about. Together with Nomura we promised we would make it to the biggest stage in the world.
The first week of school went by with two notable things occurring, one being that on the two occasions I ate lunch with Nomura, she didn’t eat a single thing out of my lunchbox. The second one being the awkward glances shared between my seat neighbour and Morita.
Like he did on the first day of school, between classes, he carries his chair across the classroom and sits in front of the girl next to me.
On Monday, the second week, he told us to go home ahead of him because he was going to confess his feelings to the girl.
“Don’t you think he’s rushing it?” Kashimoto asked me.
“If he waits too long, he might be too late. It’s not always bad to rush with things like this, I think.”
“You might be right.”
I woke up, extremely tired the next morning, but I was suddenly shaken out of my exhaustion when I remembered Morita’s confession from yesterday.
On my way to school, I bumped into Kashimoto.
“Good morning. Heard anything from Morita?” I asked him.
“Morning,” he yawned. “No, I didn’t. Guess we’ll have to wait until he arrives.”
“Hey, Kashimoto, don’t you think it’s weird?”
“Yeah, I know. I thought he only had a thing for you,” he yawned again.
“That’s not what I’m talking about… and I’m pretty certain he doesn’t.” At this point I started yawning, too. “I’m talking about you, you haven’t skipped a day of school yet. I know it’s only the second week, but are you enjoying it this time around?”
“I guess so,” he said with yet another yawn.
I was ready to tackle two days at once when I woke up, but Kashimoto’s yawning was too contagious that I was tired all over again.
Until Morita came running down the street, yelling, “I did it!”
With a big one-eighty jump at the end of his run, he landed right in front of us and saluted, “Listen up, I got a girlfriend! She’s so cute, must be an angel—a heaven’s descend.”
“You really did it, huh. Congrats!” I said.
“Hehe, thanks! Oh, on that note, I can’t forget to say. She’s in the track club, so things can’t stay the same way. I’ll be a member, too, signing up at the end of the day. So sorry guys, I didn’t mean to betray, but we can’t go home together everyday.”
Kashimoto bumped his shoulder, “Hey, don’t worry about us, have fun with your girlfriend.”
When we neared the school gates, she was waiting for him.
“Ah, Morita,” she said, all flustered. “Good morning.”
“Good-good-good,” his words were stuck on repeat in his throat. He tried playing it off by saying it rhythmically and nodding his head to the beat. “Good-good, good-good… good-good morning!”
She held her fist up to her mouth and let out a cute giggle.
Reading Kashimoto’s face, I could tell we were thinking the exact same thing, these two are hopeless.
The next surprise in my life hit harder than anything else had.
It was the rise of a high school girl, other than Katou, in the music industry. I felt entranced when I first heard her voice on the radio. The divinity of her voice would make you think she’s a household name in the business. But that first song I heard of her was her debut in the world of music.
“You just listened to Heart Attack. Believe it or not, that song is written and sung by a fifteen year old, it’s her debut song no less. Remember the name, because she’s here to stay; Hori Fuyuko!”
“…Fuyuko… Is Hori her last name?”
I started digging deep in my brain to see if I had any recollection of her surname ever being mentioned. But what was I even doing… I had a feeling the moment I heard the song. This divinity cannot be replicated.
I laid down in my bed and stared at my guitar placed next to the wall, untouched for what felt like decades.
I used to fly. I played songs on my guitar, and no one was a match for my ever growing hunger for skill. I kept getting better and ended up beating the Kashimoto in the Nationals. I had also surpassed my rival Katou.
Now I’m the only one who’s not making music anymore.
I used to fly, but now it’s my dreams that have taken flight.
I used to get cramps in my fingers from just how much I played. Unfortunately now they’re perfectly fine.
I used to dream so big, that the sound of them loudly roared in my ears, killing every other sound in my surroundings.
“Have you dared to dream big?”
Those were my words weren’t they?
I could’ve fought that feeling as much as I wanted, but nothing would ever change it.
I have lost it. Long ago.
And now, even the sound of my guitar, the sound of these silent strings, scream louder than any of my dreams.
I’m worn out.
Once again, I let the days pass me by. Wasting the time of my youth that adults often refer to as the best time of their lives.
One day, after school, I went to a bookstore with Morita.
“Kuruno Koji, wait on me!” He ran behind me after I’d already parted ways with Kashimoto. “Club activities ended early today, you see.”
“Good for your legs, I suppose. But this is not your way home, you know?”
He put his arm over my shoulder and said, “Don’t worry Koji, I’ve got a plan. Let’s kill some time at the bookstore, man.”
I reacted a little too surprised, which most people would probably find insulting, “You read?”
He laughed and said, “Of course not, who do you take me for? Any old book to me is a bore. I just wanna kill time and read manga at the store.”
I let out a sigh, a sigh of defeat, “Alright, I’ve got nothing else to do anyway.”
“That’s what I’m talking about! Let’s stack up manga and go all-out”
Once we arrived, he did just as he had said. I followed him to the manga section and saw him taking about a dozen. Of course without any intention of buying them.
When he collected everything he wanted to read, he fell down on one of the sofas in the store.
“I’ll be looking for something to read, be right back.”
I was aimlessly walking around the store. Maybe something would catch my eye, I thought.
Then, on one of the display shelves I saw a book titled ‘I’m Free’. I reached for it, the girl on the cover, though she changed a lot, was definitely Fuyuko. I flipped through the pages and read the front and back of the book. It was apparently a memoir, promoted as a memoir short-read.
Still standing in the aisle where it was displayed, I started reading it.
It started out with her story of how she went from being a child with an abusive mother and a father who left them behind to a girl that’s free and sings to her heart’s content.
Whilst my legs were getting tired, my eyes were the opposite; I read through the entire thing. Every single page. She talks about her time before the orphanage, her time during and her time after. Her school life as middle schooler and her high school experience.
Everything is written with a lot of thought and emotion put into it.
It was undeniably a good read. I was sure it would sell well. Though it’s incomplete. It might be a selfish thing to say, but I believe there was a boy in her life. A boy that had at least enough impact on her life to be mentioned once. But not even once did she talk about that boy.
Not that she forgot about me. Oh, definitely not. For every moment we shared, each that I held dear to heart, I was replaced by other people. Nomura was the only one she made the promise with. Tanaka was the one who replaced me in every instance of the tree. Tatsurou made an appearance in my stead on the roof. And Hibino, she was the one who consoled her before her mother came to take her back home.
She talks about people ranging from the most significant to the most insignificant. And nowhere on that scale did she find a place to talk about me.
She replaced me in every memory. In this book of hers she talks about Tanaka. She talks about Nomura. She talks about Hibino. She talks about Tatsurou. She talks about people whose names I’m naturally unfamiliar with. But—
—she doesn’t talk about me.
I closed the book and put it back on the display shelf.
I walked through the store and saw Morita still seated with his pile of manga on the sofa.
“Morita, I’m going home.”
I was devastated. The person I cherished most wrote a book that holds every little detail about her life and not once did she think about writing my name down in one of the moments we shared together.
While she was stuck in my mind for all these years, I came to realise in the harshest way possible that all this time it had been one-sided.
I held back the tears. Over the years I’ve gotten good at that. But when it suddenly started raining on my way home, I thought it wasn’t that bad. Now it wouldn’t be as apparent if I didn’t fight back. I raised my head toward the cloudy sky. The raindrops falling down on my face, indistinguishable from my tears, “…She doesn’t talk about me.”