“Is this the real life, or is this fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality...”

I passed the time singing Bohemian Rhapsody A Capella. It kept me from crying hysterically. I changed some lyrics.

“Mama, I just killed a vamp...”

Nobody shut me up which was frankly surprising. I was terrible at karaoke.

I was terrified. And a little self-conscious. I'd pissed myself while getting shocked with the taser. I had wet boxer-briefs with a woman's panties still pinned on. I could also still feel the sports bra minus the excessive padding. If the song wasn’t complex, I'd be making more additions to my underwear.

I sang the song at least 3 times meaning wherever I was being taken it had been about 15 minutes. I added new lyrics on each run through.

“I see a little doppleganger of a man. Scarmouch, Scarmouch, I set him flaming-den I go.”

I think I heard a snort at that one.

The vehicle finally stopped. I stopped singing. Each part of the song gave me a rough estimate of time between turns the vehicle had made. Let's see. I knew that they turned right outside of my apartment and then went down the street. We turned at the 1 minute mark which would put me on Willard Ave most likely. We continued for about 4 minutes before there was a left. Let's see, the various streets along there are, I don't know, I always use fucking Google, and god damn my over-reliance on GPS.

Still, pointless speculation was keeping me from crying hysterically as the creatures of the night pushed me into their lair, dungeon, abattoir, whatever. Nope don't think about that. Pointless speculation awaits. Wait, which direction is north from Willard?

I shuffled along until I felt air condition. Wherever I was, it was a building with power. So motorized meat hooks?

“Walk forward,” said a gruff voice behind me. I was pushed from behind.

I took a few tentative steps forward until I heard a beeping that made me jump. It sounded like a metal detector.

“Did y'all seriously just push me through a metal detector with metal cuffs?” I asked

“You used the cuffs on a human?” said a voice in front of me.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

“We didn't want to risk the plastic ties. We thought he might be magically inclined. He hit Jenny with a fireball.”

“Wait, hold the phone. Magic is real??!” I stood in place. “That's no fair. If I knew that, I would never have studied fucking chemistry. Figuring out Gringard reactions suck.” I had offed a few carnivorous fae but they had never used much more than glamours or mind control. I typically used automated traps when dealing with them.

“Shut up,” another voice said. “Go ahead and wand him. I want to get this over with.”

“A magic wand? Can I see? Can I see?”

I heard the squeals of a normal metal detection wand as they waved it around me.

“Awww. Nevermind.” Seeing magic before I died would have been pretty cool.

The wand squealed in-front of me at waist height.

“We need to take off the underwear.”

“Come on guys, can you leave me with a little dignity? It was a little chilly on the ride over. Or at least it's chilly after you've pissed yourself. There may have been shrinkage.” I squeezed my legs together.

“We just need to remove the women's underwear you have safety pinned to the front. It's setting off the wand.”

Oh, crap. I'd forgotten about the things I had hidden in my underwear.

I felt them remove the panties. A second passed before the wand went off again.

“What else is in there?” a voice asked.

“My balls of steel,” I replied.

An explosion of pain caused my body to collapse on the ground.

“Nope, not that,” a voice snickered above me.

I heard a thud and an exclamation.

“You broke my fucking nose,” said a gurgling voice.

“Are we in Compton or LA?” said the voice that had been behind me. “Why don't we act like we're professionals?”

“Fine. You deal with it.” The voice trailed off as he walked away

“Ugh... What's in your underwear?”

“Not my testicles,” I replied my voice thin and high. “They've decided they didn't want to hangout there anymore and have ascended to loftier heights.”

“If you don't tell me, I'll authorize a cavity search.” the voice shot back.

“Lock picks,” I said quickly. “I tucked them in the pee flap.” It wasn't a big loss. I doubt picking locks would have bought me freedom from people that can sprint as fast as cars and pound me into paste as a warm-up.

“Now I feel like we really should do that cavity search just to be certain,” said the voice.

“If you get me new underwear I can just shit myself and get it over with. I've been trying to avoid that for the last 20 minutes.”

“We'll visit the bathroom before your trial,” He replied.

“Wait, what trial?”