One important thing to remember in hunting supernatural creatures, is that vampires, or at least the sadistic ones, are terrible drama queens. And not good ones. They're the ones that can't act. They are quite often living if not breathing tropes.

Which would explain why I was in a mini-skirt and corset with plenty of padding in my bra. I had stockings on because I didn't feel like shaving my legs. I don't do it regularly and ingrown hairs suck.

I had on a gothic chic coat, with its hood over my head and carried a very large messenger bag. I had been walking alone in the park late at night for a while. So far they were no shows. I did not want to keep wearing this get up. The bait would only last for so long before my own scent overpowered it. It wasn't a cool evening and the pantyhose was contributing to a light sweat. Even if I was pretty sure the girl would sell to me again, I'd have to wait another few weeks before having the best lure. This night was already off to a rough start.

I'd already been attacked once by a guy thinking he wanted in my pants. He was disappointed when he saw under the hood. It only got worse when I blinded him with pepper spray and beat him with a tactical baton. I had been conflicted about what to do with him but I was able to get his ID. I knew who he was, where he lived, and I could take care of him later. Somehow I was more at home dealing with unhuman monsters than inhuman. By now, I was bored. I quietly sang the lyrics to Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla. “Tell me all your thoughts on God. Cause I'm on my way to see her.” It seemed appropriate.

I heard a man howl like an animal from behind me. Wild, and obnoxious it was the call of a predator that finds what it does deeply amusing. Thank God. I turned around and saw the 4 of them just standing there. Worn out leather jackets. No shirts. Corpse pale skin, 80's hair. Not a bad call back look. At least these assholes hadn't tossed glitter all over themselves. They stood together with a nervous energy playing about them, like hounds getting ready to be released.

I pulled the paintball marker from under my cloak and let them have it. It was fully automatic and fired 12 balls a second. I aimed for center mass trying to get the paint splatters all together. The cylinder of the CO2 grew chill against my arm with the expenditure of the gas.

“Nooooo, it's garlic,” one of them shouted. He flopped on the ground like he was having a seizure. The others belatedly dropped down with him, trying to imitate death throws, poorly. Like I said. Fucking drama queens.

The paintballs had a little bit of garlic oil in them to make them think I was following normal vampire lore. Garlic in fact did nothing to vampires. But I didn't need to let them think they should dodge them. I emptied the paint hopper but filled it again with another canister and continued to fire. Might as well be thorough. The gel from the paintballs was only a tiny bit phosphorescent. It showed pretty good coverage over them. The risky part was over. The little idiots thought themselves invincible master hunters. They enjoyed chasing after their prey, nipping and taunting them, enjoying their terror. They would never think about trying to surround me or flank me. I'd been able to get them all at once.

Had I hunted them one by one they would have disappeared after I offed the first one.

They laid there for a minute. Pretending to be dead. Although I could see one of them trying to look at both me and I guess the leader for when they were going to do their big “reveal.”

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I pulled down my hood, grateful for the relief it brought. Up until now, I could have been killed. I was safe. I felt a cooling breeze blow through my hair.

One of them sat up immediately. “You're a dude?”

“Yep.” I said.

“You don't smell like a dude.”

“Herbal body-wash.” I replied

“That's not what we smell. How'd you get that scent?”

“What do you smell?” I asked. Honestly this was the longest conversation I'd ever had with a vampire, but only because they were half-way to dead already.

“19, virgin, fit, and a heady sense of desire just waiting to be plucked.”

Of course they could smell virgin and of course it's what they would hunt. Remember kids. Sleep around. It makes you safer from night creatures. At least the ones I knew about. “I picked the pairs of underwear from when she was ovulating.” I replied. I pressed a switch on the paintball marker.

“You're wearing a woman's used underwear?” One of them asked his tone incredulous.

“No.” I said perhaps a bit too quickly. “I pinned them to the front of my underwear.”

“How in the world do you find an ovulating virgin woman's underwear?” They shuffled to their feet disappointed. Angry glowers settled over their features along with murmured swears. I'd spoiled their night of fun.

“Capitalism and the internet. It's a dangerous mix.”

“Funny. Well, it's been a blast but I think you figured out that garlic doesn't work.” His lip curled in a sneer. “If you tell us how you knew to bait us here we won't make you suffer too much. You're not really our type.” They swaggered closer to me, their faces unhappy but they moved with that same nervous energy that promised they would still enjoy the act.

I triggered the flamethrower on the paintmarker. The rounds caught fire as they left. Splattering onto the vampire's outfits and bare chests. The volatile gel caught fire. In and of itself, the gel wouldn't kill the vampires. Fire can be effective but you need a lot of it. The gel was just supposed to get the magnesium particles to ignite which would also hurt, but it was also a necessary reaction to get the thermite to burn. The vampires didn't have the time to scream. The second after the thermite lit, their lungs were halfway to ash.

When I first started looking to hunt vampires I was daunted by their power and regeneration. I started a fight with one in a location where I could throw everything at it. Garlic, holy water, explosives. The damn thing was still regenerating when I used thermite on him and lit him up. It turns out thermite releases UV light as it burns. I feel like vampire movies missed out on this technicality. Wooden stakes, silver, and beheading are not nearly as fun as a thermite filled rod fired from a crossbow. You don't even need to hit the heart. It's like lighting a dried pine tree after Christmas. Silver would work too, but damn it was expensive.

I put the paintmarker away and started walking back to my car. Vampires were wonderful targets, once they were dead of course. Little cleanup was needed. Werewolves, dopples, ghouls and some fae needed bodies to be disposed of. Here in the park, someone would just assume some asshole was too lazy to put the ashes from his grill into a trashcan.

The sensor on my back vibrated a warning. It could only be triggered by something the size of a human moving at a speed that wasn't. I hadn't disarmed it yet so it triggered the fail safe flamethrower in my messenger bag. Napalm doesn't burn vampires as well as thermite. So he had time to scream something about being on fire and in pain. I followed up with shots from the paintball marker and the thermite did its trick again.

“Fuck,” I stomped around and swore. “How in the hell did I miss him? Fuck, fuck, fuck.” My heart was pounding in my chest for the first time all night.

I had back-ups for a reason. But missing the fact that they had a lookout burned me. I never saw him. The only way I was standing even with these monsters was because I outmaneuvered them. I took deep breaths. My hands were twitching from the adrenaline.

The screaming would bring people this way so I need to beat it. I started to jog to the car.

“Not a bad job,” said a voice behind me. My heart shifted into overdrive again. “Even if you did almost miss one.”