“Sooo, are you going to blast the gnomes outta there!?” Axel querried with excitement. “You got like a HUUUGE piece of magic to down them all!?”

“What?” Rum frowned.

“Oh! I saw something fall down the sky here the other day, while I slowly made my way over here. It was like this blinking light, it came from that big white-grey thing in the sky. Someone called it a lightning? They looked pretty scared of it. Will you throw lightning at the gnomes!?”

“Of course not!” Rum shook his head. “I have a thing or 2 to teach you about humanitarian values I think.”

“Humani... is that some human power?” Axel looked confused.

“What? No. Well, not that kind of power. Forget it for now.” Rum waved a dismissive hand. “Just think of it as that there are other ways of getting through, generally speaking – other than blasting gnomes to pieces.”

“Oh. Like poison? I heard some of the gnomes in the workshop had to wear special clothes when using one of the paints. Apparently it’s dangerous for them.”

“No. Not like poison.” Rum sat down on the bed, and sighed.

“Well, what then?” Axel looked real eager for an answer.

“Hmm.” Rum thought, stroking his beard. “Let me think. What do I have to play with?” Rum laid down on the bed, thinking about his spells.

RUM’S MENTAL SPELLBOOK

Cool Body

* Cools down an individual’s body.

Warm Body

* Heats up an individual’s body.

Body Thicken

* Makes an individual larger in every dimension by temporarily adding fat and various extra tissue.

Skin Toughen

* Makes an individual’s skin harder to penetrate, for instance by means of piercing, cutting or scratching.

Muscles Grow

* Makes an individual significantly stronger.

Clean Body

* Cleans an individual’s whole body.

* Cleans clothes or cloth-like items (for instance bags or bed sheets).

Clean Skeleton

* Cleans an individual skeleton’s bones.

* Removes dirt, discoloration etc. Typically dirt obtained from not wearing clothes, as skeletons seldom do. Also removes the remains of meat, skin and other tissue still left on them left after the meat suit (body) they used to inhabit pre-undeath.

Renew Clothes

* Repairs clothes or cloth-like items (for instance bags or bed sheets).

* Gives a new appropriate design to the clothes or cloth-like items (for instance bags or bed sheets).

Positive Mind

* Makes an individual gain confidence in the future, in others and in themselves, leading to a potentially excessively optimistic attitude that steers the individual’s mind to narrowly focus on the benefits of a situation.

* Is prone to make individuals become seemingly diligent, brave and short-sighted because of their excessive belief in their own agency and the future.

* Impedes the expression of particularly negative character traits of individuals, potentially leading to temporary partial personality death.

Positive Aura

* Channels the positive mind spell into a mild aura effect.

Restore Humanoid Mind

* Removes effects that impede the efficient functioning of a human-like mind, including diseases of the mind/brain or magical curses.

Restore Artifical Mind

* Removes effects that impede the efficient functioning of a magically created mind, including enchantments and magical curses.

Clear Mind

* Makes an individual more clear-headed.

* Can make an individual seem more intelligent by making it easier for the individual to engage in intelligence-based tasks such as abstract pattern-recognition and systematic thinking.

Self-Running Legs

* Magically takes control of an individual’s legs, and forces the legs to run towards some destination.

* Is prone to make the individual run beyond their physical capacity, causing them to become severely exhausted and potentially become unconscious from exhaustion.

* While never witnessed, there is a real possibility that this spell could make an individual run itself to death if the individual is unable to stop the spell.

Restore Body

* Heals simpler injuries, such as broken legs, cuts, scratches and bruises.

* Removes most of the effects of less severe conditions, such as the common cold, migraines or tired nerves.

* Effective against blood loss and skin tissue damage.

Filter Body

* Makes an individual’s body into the perfect filter for harmful substances. Anything the spell deems abnormal for a body becomes separated from it and is rushed out through available nearby orifices, such as mouth, nose, ears and other openings of the body.

Magic Blanket

* Spawns a thin magically sustained layer of see-through fabric that is bound to the casting mage’s mana, draining it very slowly while in existence.

Magic Shoes

* Spawns a thin set of magically sustained shoes that are bound to the casting mage’s mana, draining it very slowly while in existence.

Softify

* Makes any surface significantly softer to lean on or touch by means of distributing magically sustained fabric that is bound to the casting mage’s mana, draining it slowly while in existence.

Channel Bio-Energy

* Instantly burns biological energy, for instance fat and carbohydrates, turning it into freely manipulatable energy, which can for instance be used to make sparks for a fire.

Beast of Burden

* Transforms a person into someone capable of pulling or carrying very large items, very heavy items, or very many items.

* The individual’s strength, and the constitution of their bones, drastically increases at the cost of dexterity and intelligence. The body and mind all organize under the principle of acting like an ideal beast of burden, causing the individual’s mind to focus intensely on their task of carrying.

* May be used to make slaves and captives more cooperative as the intense focus of the spell may undermine rebellious thinking.

* There is a possibility that an individual will try to carry something for which their body – not even with magically reinforced bones and muscles – is capable of carrying. And as a consequence, in the worst scenarios; people may even come to crush themselves to death.

Make Rotten Edible

* Restores most of the edibleness of recently rotted food.

Make Water Drinkable

* Purifies contaminated or dirty water until it becomes mostly drinkable.

Mana Ghost

* Creates a magical body that can study a living being, or the magics of a living being, and convert its essential characteristics into a form of mana known as a “mana ghost”.

* May briefly paralyze a none-magical person being mana-ghosted, or even a magical person with little control of their own mana.

Disrupt Skeleton

* Disables skeletons in a manner that is permanent, but also relatively easily fixable.

Rumalize

* Magically estimates a person’s real power level, power statistics, and other power characteristics to their being.

* The spell informs the caster of the information through a piece of special magical memory which they have access to, and which they may communicate to other people.

Bony Love

* Transforms an undead simple skeleton into a sentient skeleton.

* The initial personality tendencies of the skeleton will lean weakly towards the personality traits recorded from the 2 wild gnome girls Esmili and Ereisi, but with heavy influences also from the skeleton’s first exposure to other sentient life.

Trinity of Healing

* A spell which combines the powers of excellent diagnostics, excellent surgery and excellent medicine, to produce an almost unheard-of degree of healing power on targeted humanoids.

Replenish Skeleton

* Feeds the mana reservoir of a skeletal undead, extending how long it can keep on living before it risks dying from mana starvation.

Mana Requisition

* Slowly drains another person’s mana and letting the caster absorb it.

* It’s not deadly, but overcharging the spell can wreck havoc to another person’s mana threads, causing long-term or even permanent (but fixable) damages.

Magic Mind

* Creates a temporary magical version of a person’s mind. The mind is tethered to the person, and works like a parallell auxiliary mind, which can interact with and be loosely controlled by the primary mind.

Grow

* Enhances the growth of biological organisms. Larger organisms are affected less and affected slower by the same amount of mana expended.

Conjure Magic Library

* Conjures an array of intermediary-to-advanced level books on magic whose pages, bindings and text all appear formed out of magical substances.

“Mmm.” He analyzed every spell in his toolbox. “No. Can’t use that, it’ll pretty much be instant murder!” He mentally stroke at least one spell off the list. “Hmm, not that either. I mean, they’re small, but doing that would probably mean long-term health issues. Also, it’s kinda evil. Hmm-hmm.” His fingers played with his beard while he sorted his thoughts. “Don’t want to try and beat them up either. Even if I don’t permanently harm them, it could go pretty bad for me too.”

For a couple of minutes the fat wizard just lay there, deep in thoughts.

Axel was getting impatient though. “Figured something out? I think I liked the sound of the instant murder option.”

“Huh?” Rum came out of his thoughts. He hadn’t quite heard what Axel had said, but sat up nevertheless, thoughts continuing in the back of his head while his eyes stared blankly at the chest. “I guess” the wizard said to himself, “I could send them running, one by one, to the edges of the city.” His eyes gazed around the room, without really seeing anything, his consciousness all occupied in thought. “But that would probably stop working pretty soon. Also, I’d have to get proper close up I think, wouldn’t be able to do it fast enough at a distance.” Rum sat like a sack of potatoe on the edge of the bed for some time, mouth and eyes vaguely taking on the dumb expression of goldfish. “Maybe. No. Would that work?” He looked back at the chest, his stare turning into an intense self-questioning. Or a sudden constipation. For a random onlooker it would’ve been hard to guess which. “Maybe, just maybe, I could make that work. I’ll just have to alter it a bit.”

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“What? What!” Axel gave Rum an intensely excited look.

“I’ll explain later.” Rum waved off the look. “Let me work on this issue now.” He turned and crawled deeper into the bed.

The wizard conjured Magic Mind after Magic Mind, and Axel, managing against its own feelings to stay quiet, stared at the magic show with awe. Rum formed a golden-yellow misty magic ball in his left hand, and a light-blue ball of magic in his right. The light-blue magic prodded the other.

The magic show lasted a few minutes, and when it was finished, Rum explained what he’d created to Axel, who was otherwise too bulky and slow to assist in the evacuation. “So, you understand now?” Rum said as he finished explaining.

“Yeah, I suppose.” Axel looked at Rum skeptically. “But, really? Just seems so... silly. Not like I’d imagine you’d save us at all.”

“It’s very silly.” Rum agreed. “So silly it’ll work. I’m confident of it.”

Axel said nothing. The chest just continued staring at Rum, skeptical, unsure, silent, but willing to trust.

“Well.” Rum spoke after a while when none of them had. “I guess I’m off then.” He stood up. “Oh, and by the way. If my brother or anyone else comes through the backdoor” Rum pointed where he was heading, “or the workshop door”, he pointed behind himself, “just pretend to be a normal chest. Even if you they inspect you. And – White Rose?” Rum looked at his skeleton. “You make sure nobody moves Axel out of this room.” White Rose nodded from zes corner. Rum nodded back, and looked down at the chest again. “And” he bent down, “if a witch happens to come out of that closet” Rum gestured to the other corner behind him, “just tell her that you’re a new friend of mine. A new roommate.” Rum bent up again, gave the 2 others in the room a couple of glances and nods, and then walked over to the backdoor. He turned briefly back to them as his hand touched the handle. “Bye” he gave a little wave, “see you soon.”

An hour later and Rum was in a totally different place. He’d managed, for this occassion, to make Renew Clothes conspire with him to make a new, brilliant disguise. It was a full body change of attire. A huge, black robe. It covered most of his body. But there was much more. A face mask of black cloth. And his beard, it’d been dyed black – didn’t know the spell could do that – and knitted with black obsidian beard accessories. Surprising him further, the spell had even added some soot-like make-up covering his skin. And, of course, he had a large new black hood. Along with black leather boots and black leather gloves. In conclusion: Rum felt nothing like himself, but he did feel like whoever would try to gain a good look at him this evening would not find anything to report that would be much useful the next day. Rum was thoroughly disguised, as much as anyone can be without going overboard and trying to literally become part of the environment. Like pretending to be a chest.

In front of Rum now, a dozen and a half meters away, was the large, iron-framed, roofed stairway leading directly into the ground. The big sign for “GNOMITURE” on top of the entrance, was easily visible from the wooden house Rum was peeking out from. On the inside and outside of this entrance to the underground, 6 mecha-gnomes which Rum could count, stood around, armed with spears and shields, as well as a small but visible dose of vigilance. From their small backs hung dark grey capes. They were roughly the same color as their pants, while their shirts were a more blueish, whiter grey. Their boots, the only thing not to follow the color scheme, were dark brown leather. And every gnome dressed the same.

“Hey, you there!” One of the gnomes pointed her spear in Rum’s direction. The wizard went still, more than he had been. He pretended not to have been noticed. “You! I see you! Why are you staring at us?” The female gnome guard continued pointing her spear at him animatedly from afar, as if talking through the tip.

“Eyh, yeah. I see it too. That’s a big person. Standing over there!” Another spear tip was pointed at Rum. A couple of the other gnomes also began staring in Rum’s direction, their spears also lowering a little in his direction, as if perhaps expecting him to come out charging against them.

For about a minute the gnomes kept calling him out, and Rum kept pretending to not be there. I’m one with the night, the wizard mentally chanted, one with the shadows, one with the darkness. However, Rum The Mage was not one with the night, and eventually he was forced to realize that too. He took a step out onto the street. There, he waved at them.

One of the gnomes waved back.

“Why are you waving?” one of the other gnomes interrogated.

“The person was waving at us.” The waving gnome defended.

“But can’t you see how suspicious that look is?” The interrogator pressed. “No way that one is here with good intentions!”

Rum sighed. For a few seconds he gazed down into the stone road, the gnomes staring at him. Then he looked up and back at them. He took a first step forward, and then walked in their direction. A few meters closer and one of the gnomes panicked. “Hold it there!” The mecha-gnome lowered his spear in a defensive pose. “State your business! And explain your look!”

Rum halted for half a second, then just continued walking, getting real close, just 3 meters away from the gnomes who all now dropped defensive poses. Like a disorded phalanx, they all aimed at him.

“BUSINESS!” The gnome re-iterated, more aggressive in posture and tone.

Rum raised a palm and pointed his hand at the gnome. “Gay Bolt” he spoke, and a globular shape, of gold and yellow, with a specter of other bright colors sparkling outwards from its center, shot out of Rum’s hand. The bolt flew true, and upon hitting the gnome’s shoulder, the magic bolt exploded in a glittery firework of bright colors.

“MAGIC!” Another gnome shouted, alarmed and terrified.

“Are you hurt!?” Asked the female gnome which’d first identified Rum’s presence.

The struck gnome just looked over at his shoulder. “I feel nothing.” Then he lowered his spear. His eyes staring into the blue for a moment. “Actually” the gnome smiled, “I feel kinda great.” The gnome stared up at the sky. “What a lovely evening.”

The other gnomes glanced up. Rum hadn’t made additional movements, and like the other gnomes had mostly been staring at the struck gnome.

“It’s AN evening. Nothing special about it though.” The gnome which’d earlier waved at Rum reported.

“Roter” the gnome woman addressed the struck gnome, worry on her face. “Roter, are you feeling normal?”

The addressed gnome lowered his eyes. He looked over at the female gnome. “You look cool today, Irona. Have you always parted your hair like that? And yeah!” The gnome’s voice and body suddenly displayed a small jolt of enthusiasm. “Not normal-normal, but I do feel kinda great!” He smiled looking over at Irona, and then her hair. His expression slowly taking on a content dreamy expression, as if imagining something beautiful.

“What do you mean? How exactly do you feel?” Irona took a couple of careful steps towards her colleague.

“Well, I feel kinda g–”

“–ay Bolt!” Rum spoke again, and the ball of golden-yellow-rainbowy magic shot towards the mostly unsuspecting Irona, hitting her on the nose just as she turned to look at Rum. Closing her eyes, she jump away once, and twice and then thrice before she dared open her eyes again. The glittery magic leaving a trail of fading shiny particles in her retreat path. “Oh no” she said, face horrified. But then, over the course of just a couple of seconds, she broke out into a smile, and – the woman laughs!

“Hahaha, did you guys see that!? That magic is funny! It looks funny.” She giggled like a gnome child.

The other gnomes looked at each other. “We should run.” One of them strongly suggested.

“Gay Bolt” Rum mouthed, striking a third gnome.

“RUN!” The same gnome yelled. And the gnomes dispersed away and down. Down into Gnomiture.

“Guys!” Irona yelled after them. “Don’t be scared! It’s just funny!”

Rum took a step past the giggling gnome woman, stopping right next to her.

“They don’t get this mentality, do they?” Rum made a small smile towards Irona.

“No” she shook her head, smiling and still laughing slightly, “they are such silly sausages.” She intentionally dropped her spear and shield to the side. “OOooh–” she waved her free hands in the air, mocking their fear, “–big black mage is gonna make me smile for once!” She threw a hand to the side in dismissal. “They won’t get it, not unless you give ‘em some magic too.” She eyed Rum’s black gloved hand, the one he’d used to cast his magic with, and laughed a little while smiling at it. “Haha, hihi.” Then the gnome woman took her eyes off Rum, and instead looked up at the sky. On Rum’s other side stood the gnome Roter, also staring up at the sky. “I agree Roter, I see it now. It’s calm, beautiful” she sighed with contentment.

Rum left the 3 gnomes, all now staring up into sky, and stepped into Gnomiture. There, as he climbed down to the last few steps of the stairs, he was met by 8 new gnomes, standing on the other side of the entrance room. 2 of the gnomes held small crossbows, both weapons armed and aimed at his moving body.

“Surrender, mage!” One gnome, standing in front of the assembled gnome force, yelled up at Rum with a pointed short-sword in hand. By the look of his face, he looked quite ready to spill blood over the marble floors beneath their feet.

Rum took a moment to consider the situation. He raised a hand to his face, to stroke his beard a little.

“This is not a good situation.” He stated, as much to himself as his aggressive audience.

“No, it ain’t. Now, surrender! Or suffer our iron!”

“Skin Toughen” Rum whispered, disguising his spellcasting voice with a full hand stroke of his moustache. The magic worked almost imperceptably, as all of his body’s skin grew an extra layer of thick skin. Rum stared into the squad leaders eyes until he felt his spell had taken full effect. Then, he simply raised his palm towards the loudmouth.

“FIRE AT THE MAGE!” The gnome, likely their squad leader, took no further chances, and the 2 crossbow gnomes complied immediately, sending 2 bolts straight into Rum’s chest. Rum felt the sting, and staggered half a step. However, the initial sting over, Ri, simply reached down with his other hand, and he plucked the bolts out from his skin, producing a couple of small winces.

Dropping the bolts down onto the ground, the wizard sighed with relief. He looked at the squad leader again, palm still raised and aimed. “Gay Bolt.” After words, the magic white-yellow-rainbowy ball of magic shot through the air, and the squad leader dodged it well in time. However, his dodge did not stop the magic from reaching a target though. A second later, and the spear wielding male gnome behind the squad leader was experiencing a shower of glittery bright colors.

“Ah!” The gnome man exclaimed, but then, after a couple of rapid breaths, relaxed, and he looked back at Rum with a smile. “Wow” he said, his eyes almost admiring. “I feel so special, so unique.” Every gnome in the room was glancing over at him, while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on Rum, who’d lowered his offending hand to partake in the observation.

“Report Mackwell!” The squad leader barked. “What are you experiencing? What has the mage done to you?”

The gnome named Mackwell just smiled back. “Corporal, I just see, in my head...” he stopped talking. The gnome gazed around at his surroundings instead, and at his fellow guards.

“WHAT! What are experiencing Mackwell!?” The corporal yelled with alarm. “REPORT!”

“I see a world of possibilities.” Mackwell the gnome intentionally dropped his spear and shield, and stepped over to another gnome, a fascinated look on his face. “My friend!” he exclaimed to another spear and shield wielding gnome man. “Your cape! This is what I mean. That cape should DEFINITELY be PINK! I mean, why have we never thought of it? It’s so obvious. You’d look so much greater in pink!”

The other gnome man just looked back at Mackwell in total awkward horror. Mackwell, seeing the horrified face, just shook his own head lightly in response, a little almost sad smile on his lip. “And” he put up a finger, and then pointed it straight at the other gnome man, “you should drop that shirt. Show us some of your training results!” Mackwell spread his hands towards the other gnome’s chest. The other gnome just looked pained from the attention he was getting from all around, other gnomes staring. Standing there for a moment, Mackwell stared with admiration at the covered up muscled chest in question. For a while, nobody said anything, and Mackwell put his hands down, his eyes lingering just a moment longer.

But then Mackwell sighed, intentionally loud, and he turned back to his boss. “Corporal.” He had a mildly disappointed look to his face, as he met their leader’s confused eyes. “Why are we so boring?”

Deep inside Gnomiture, a panick was spreading among the staff on duty. A panick that, in one area, in the partially hidden workshop where most furniture was made, was spreading with particular fervor, as one gnome man was desperately trying to convey what was happening to the others present.

“THE MAGE IS BACK!” The gnome man was running around the workshop, shouting it to each and everyone. “The mage is back! Ruuun!”

All the other gnomes had stopped working, but they hadn’t started fleeing yet. Instead, most of them just gave the headless chicken of a man confused faces and raised eyebrows.

“What’s happening?” One of them shouted over the sound of machinery.

“THAT MAGE IS BACK! The mage is back, and dressed in black!”

“But what is he doing?” Another gnome shouted.

“The mage – is making everyone funny! Ruuun! Don’t just stand there! Ruuun, everyone!” The alarmist gnome was gesturing wildly at all the workers and guards in the workshop, and pointing at the nearest exit with urgency.

“What?” The first gnome to respond again asked. “You mean like: they’re telling jokes?”

“NO!” The alarmist was desperately throwing his arm at the door, but nobody was moving.

“What then?”

“MACKWELL THOUGHT I SHOULD COLOR MY CAPE PINK!” Silence reigned in the workshop. Silence except for a few steam engines making background noises, and an automatic saw cutting another plank.

“But” a third gnome began, “that ain’t the rules!” All the gnome’s faces now started to grow with new expressions; anxious expressions of rising self-consciousness. After all, if one gnome broke the rules, which gnome would be the next to break the rules? And what if the rules altogether ceased to be respected? What world would they live in then?

“Oh no” a fourth gnome went, “everyone, we should run!”

“RUN!” The alarmist reiterated. “Workers, guards! Run for your conformity!!! RUUUN, OR WE’RE NEXT!!!”

Rum found his navigation throughout the next of Gnomiture to be rather peaceful once he’d passed his third group of gnomes. No gnomes came after him, instead he only saw the peeking heads of a couple of gnomes on independent occasions while he stepped through furnitured filled rooms, he looking for hidden sentient furniture.

Taking a break to use the ethereal to magically detect the hidden creatures, Rum soon found his first target. A commode which, it seemed to Rum, had tried to sneak its way into the first showroom of the department for “Sleep and Comfort”, but had only managed to get just inside it – just enough to cover up its migration, by blending in with some other nearby, newly placed, non-sentient furniture.

The wizard walked over to the commode. “You remember me?”

As such Rum progressed through the underground complex, discovering sentient after sentient, and starting something of a great migration all over the “Sleep and Comfort” department. Not great because of numbers, because the furniture were, sadly, not that many left. Rather, it was great because at the furniture’s slow speed, and the journey they had to travel to the entrance was long and marked by danger. Danger because while the newly gayified gnomes made for a great distraction, Rum had not vanquished any foes, and he found himself freeing even more furniture from their enchantments, on the way and as the already freed furniture he discovered asked and pleaded for him to liberate their fellows.

The whole operation took hours, and when he finally felt ready to quit, having spread out his magic to search the whole giant complex for any traces of remaining free sentient furniture, he proceeded with his new friends, some of which he helped carrying with Muscles Grow or Beast of Burden, over to the entrance hallway of “Sleep and Comfort”.

All the furniture finally gathered there, one fine dining chair felt compelled to raise an important question: “Great Savior. What is the plan?”

“Plan?” Rum breathed a bit heavy, having helped carry the last newly freed sentient table over. “What you mean?”

“Plan to get us out. Where will we go? How will we leave?”

“We’ll go out the entrance” Rum replied, gesturing down the hallway, “and then I know a place you can stay.”

“But will the gnomes not chase us? And how can we lose them on the run?”

Rum suddenly stopped breathing. “Oh, ah. I hadn’t thought about that.” His face turned pained over the course of a couple of seconds. “Oooh” he nervously mumbled, “I really hadn’t thought of that.”

From the entrance end of the hallway, behind a 90 degree bend, Rum and all the sentient furniture suddenly heard the growing sounds of a mass of angry boots, the floor’s smacking sounds accompanied by another rushing sound: the clings and the clangs of sharp metal. Metals of war, Rum recognized.

“Damn.” Rum looked at the bend, an exasperated and anxious look on his face. “Reinforcements coming. And they sound many.” The wizard strode tiredly up to the front of his group of some 32 sentient furniture and 1 sentient blanket. “I’m sorry everyone. But this is a battle I also did not plan for.”