Had it been anyone else demanding his presence, they would feel honored that it took him less than five minutes to arrive. But for Nero, apparently, that five minutes was more than enough for his insecurities to overwhelm him, sending him into a panic-filled tantrum.
From the moment he’d arrived, Jennings hadn’t had a chance to say a word. Instead, Nero had quite thoroughly filled the room with his ranting and raving, all the while pacing back and forth and waving his arms around like a conspiracy theorist proclaiming the true and suppressed history of the pyramids.
Yet, being old as hell and well beyond Nero’s capability to handle, Jennings merely took a seat on the room’s solitary chair and listened patiently to what Nero had to say. Surprisingly, much of what he was hearing was actually rather interesting.
He hadn’t realized the detail and realism of Nero’s soulscape. While everyone at some point developed a mental representation of their path, he’d never heard of one so all-encompassing and thorough. With such a strong representation of his path, Nero would likely be able to troubleshoot his leveling process rather easily as he continues to progress. To Jennings, it sounded like it was worthy of being labeled an ‘ability’ all on its own.
That wasn’t to say he wasn’t concerned about what Nero was saying. He knew many people who fell off their path and were never able to recover. Keeping true to a path wasn’t a simple matter. It took effort, reflection, and hard work. Everyone had at some point felt their path slowing down at some point. However, what Nero was describing sounded more like a block… and that was more than a little worrying.
Leveling blocks were usually a result of a person having done something they couldn’t forgive. It was a deeply personal issue that would likely require years of attention from a mind healer. He was quite familiar with the phenomenon and had seen many examples of leveling blocks over his many years at the Tower of Magic.
Parents accidentally causing the death of their children. Supervisors giving into greed and allowing outside interests to overshadow their duty. Researchers who, through their ignorance, unleashed unintentional horrors into the world. Even something as simple as losing an arena challenge to a political enemy that they didn’t expect to was sometimes enough for someone’s path to falter.
“... And that’s the REAL problem! This world is so hung up on everything being a metaphor that things stop meaning the thing they were meant to! Do you get what I’m saying? Like, seriously, the world is made up of essence, but essence can’t make anything permanent unless a person’s BELIEF is strong enough or some shit! Come on, how in the hell does that make any sense!” Nero shouted madly while shaking an accusing finger into Jennings’ face.
Throwing up his hands, Nero began pacing around again while continuing his rant, “A whole world where leveling isn’t based on killing things, but on how well you know yourself or some bullshit. I know myself fine, dammit! I’m awesome! You hear me? There is no reason that I should have ‘lost my path’ or whatever other ridiculous term your thinking about in that old ass head of yours.”
Pausing in place for a moment, Nero seemed to think of something before turning back toward Jennings and shouting, “You know what REALLY pisses me off? It’s the way everything here sounds like nonsense while actually meaning something. Cathleen is constantly saying shit that sounds like it came from the type of book people read while taking a dump, and I’m supposed to somehow take it literally?!? Seriously, man, this world is not the fantasy world I was promised! If there is some kind of overseer or admin, I’d like to file my complaint now!”
Jennings had to stifle a chuckle at that one. The thought of Nero confronting the great dragon who controls this region and shaking his fist at her in outrage was almost worth arranging just so he could be there to watch.
Shoulders slumping in defeat, Nero’s voice lowered to normal, by contrast almost sounding like a whisper. “Honestly Jennings, my man. I’ve been white-knuckling it for a while. Every time I think I’ve finally figured this place out, another aspect of life here that I knew nothing about shows up and ruins everything. I just wanted to learn magic! You know, fight some monster and see some crazy shit! I’m not cut out for all this responsibility!”
Jennings sighed, perhaps he shouldn’t be too surprised by the young man’s apparent breakdown. The world he’s found himself in is probably drastically different than what he was used to. The fact that he’s adapted as quickly as he has is impressive enough to have possibly blinded those around him to his struggles.
‘Perhaps I’ve been a little too hard on him. It would be a waste to squander his potential before I get to study it,’ he thought to himself.
—--
Collapsing onto the cot, Nero stared up at the ceiling and asked Jennings, who was currently occupying the room’s only chair, “So… thoughts… opinions… impressions… let me have it. I’m sure you’ve got theories and crap about what is wrong with me, so let’s hear them.”
Nero had run out of things to complain about and was perfectly happy waiting for Jennings to subtly call him an idiot by lecturing him about how the world actually worked, and specifically what he had missed.
Compared to the cacophony that had been filling the room due to Nero’s rant, the current silent atmosphere felt heavier than usual for both of them.
His tone almost apologetic, Jennings began, “Young Nero, you may not believe it, but I understand what you’re going through. When I was a much younger mage myself, I’d had to deal with the same kind of feelings. Finding one’s path is difficult, but staying on it… that’s the true challenge. You should be proud of how far you’ve come, and trust that in time you will go even further. Despite this small setback, you will no doubt become the man everyone is expecting you to be.”
Propping himself up onto his elbows so he could lock eyes with Jennings while still lying down, Nero glared at the man with an expression on his face that demonstrated his feelings quite clearly.
Fury. Hatred. Annoyance. These simple terms weren’t enough to encapsulate the all-consuming rage he was currently feeling at the world and at Jennings’, who was currently serving as its representative.
‘Seriously! More self-help bullshit wrapped up in a nice fatherly-advice package and delivered with a ‘you-can-do-it’ bow? I’m about this close to taking a flamethrower to this whole country before taking my chances with the upper realms as a soul ball again,’ he thought to himself harshly.
Wisely keeping his mouth shut, Nero dropped back onto the bed and resumed staring at the ceiling.
Meanwhile, Jennings continued to spout platitudes about how hard work and perseverance were all that was required to overcome what Nero was dealing with. Rather than helping Nero with the ‘real’, ‘actual’ problem of having his experience not registering within his soul space, the pain in the ass archmage continued on about ‘feelings’ and ‘responsibility’, confronting what he finds uncomfortable, and being true to himself.
Stifling a groan of annoyance, Nero half listened to the man, hoping that at some point the man would start addressing the reality of the situation and stop offering platitudes. Unfortunately, it seemed he wouldn’t get that lucky as Jennings ‘talk-therapy’ or whatever it was called went on for quite some time.
Finally having enough of it, Nero sat up and interrupted him.
“Do you even understand what it is I’m worried about?” Nero asked harshly.
Jennings’ expression was basically the same one Nero had seen on his high school guidance councilors face as she recommended he work hard at community college before earning his bright future at some point down the road. “Of course I do, Nero. You just need to give yourself time. Have faith in yourself. You’ll find your path again!” he said cheerily.
Losing it, Nero shouted, “I don’t care about any of that! I never have! I just want to level! Can’t you understand the concept of being pissed at the fact that in order to move forward, I have to constantly ‘work on myself’? I’m a do’er… not a thinker! The only thinking I want to do is about magic, and even that requires philosophy here. I feel like I’m getting bogged down in so much touchy-feely crap that I’m losing myself! Don’t you get it? This is not me! I’m just not cut out for the emo-life… I… I don’t belong here.”
Jennings sat in silence, rubbing his chin in thought while he looked over at Nero with patience and understanding.
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Having heard himself, Nero sat in stunned silence for a few seconds before incomprehensibly bursting into laughter.
‘Not an emo… hypocritical much!’ he thought to himself sarcastically.
Hopping to his feet, he firmed his will and straightened his shoulders. ‘It’s time I stop letting this bullshit get to me. I decide what I’m going to do, nobody else. No more Mr. Hero-guy. It’s laying-down-the-law time,’ he said to himself firmly.
Turning his head to glance over at Jennings, he said, “Alright, I get it. Be true to myself and all that. Thanks for trying to help, I appreciate it. I know what to do now.”
Stunned at Nero’s rapid mood shift, Jennings looked up at the young man from his chair, not knowing what to say. Practically stuttering, he said, “Very well, but if you need anything in the future, I and many others are here for you. We all believe in you, and will happily help you however we can.”
Snorting in amusement, Nero replied, “Right. Just not with any advanced magic that I’m not ready for, and only when it won’t affect my ‘path’.”
Stepping forward, Nero patted Jennings on the shoulder gently as if he were placating a small child while saying, “You people can be kinda adorable, you know that? But, seriously, thanks for coming when I called. You’re alright man. Now, go get some sleep, or whatever archmagy things you need to do. I got some people to set straight.”
Walking out of the room, Nero left Jennings sitting there in silence. The old mage was both happy that Nero seemed to be his old self again, while also wondering what the young man had been talking about. Weakly muttering, “Adorable?” he remained in the room for quite some time, lost in his thoughts, before finally teleporting back to his office.
Nero on the other hand, was a man on a mission. He stalked through the tent's hallways toward the common room, intent on getting his life back under control.
When he arrived at his destination, he immediately spread out his senses to find Cathleen. Ignoring everyone who tried to catch his attention, he slipped through the crowd and walked up to the table she was currently holding court at.
All the big names were there. There was that assassin guy who had proclaimed his undying loyalty. Angleton who even now looked at him like a football coach staring at his star player. Two of the evaluators, that Idrius chick and Academian Quincy… both still wearing their dumbass ‘light’ hats. That woman, Keening something, who was in charge of the wackos. Nick, who was the only one who actually looked happy to see him. And finally, Cathleen, whose face as usual looked like it was carved from marble.
With his newfound skill at seeing what others missed, he even noticed Rose standing back against the wall, listening in on the conversation while everyone ignored her. ‘Once a spy, always a spy,’ he thought to himself humorously.
Seeing that everyone was already staring at him, he didn’t bother to wait for their greetings.
“OK, so I’m going to make an announcement. I have no idea how this is going to go down, so I’m apologizing up front if this somehow screws up any of the hard work you’ve been doing,” he said firmly, before turning around and walking off toward the side of the room where his house’s stupid flags were hanging on the walls.
After eyeballing the space between the flags, he figured he was close enough to the middle for government work and cast the ‘pillar’ spell he’d practically mastered. As the ground beneath him rose up, he looked over the large room, guessing that probably half of his current forces were here at the moment. ‘Well, maybe half… who knows how many idiots have signed up to follow me at this point,’ he thought to himself wryly.
Now standing well above everyone, he cupped his hands and shouted, “Hey, attention everyone! I’m sorry to interrupt your night, but I’ve got a few things to say!”
The room quieted down quickly, as everyone turned to stare at him. While expressions varied, Nero could tell that on the whole, they were looking at him like he was a televangelist broadcasting his message across the great state of Alabama.
Shaking his head in amusement at the situation he found himself in. He thought to himself, ‘Yeah… this has to stop… this has to stop like RIGHT now.’
Projecting his voice as best he could, he began, “I know many of you have joined up based on some kind of belief that I am some kind of hero or something. Whether it’s because I healed you, or you think I saved you, I’m sure you’ve all got some image of what I represent in your head. I get it, I do. But, I’m here to tell you right now that you’re wrong. I’m not saying you’ve been deceived or lied to or anything, but I think you are just projecting.”
Seeing looks of confusion spreading throughout the room, he tried to explain, “What I mean to say is that what you think about me is entirely based on what you hope I am.”
Trying to choose his words carefully so that he could get his point across the way he wanted to, he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed before continuing, “Look… I’ve read a lot of your stories from the letters you sent. You all have histories that have shaped who you are, just like me. Whether you were a criminal or a soldier, a caravan guard or a housewife, you were looking for a change. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have signed up to be a wacko, that isn’t any of my business.”
Firming his shoulders, he took a deep breath and decided to finally get to his point. “What I am saying is that you deserve to know what you’re getting into. I’m not a nice guy. I don’t particularly care about what kind of crappy life you’ve led. In my opinion, everyone’s life pretty much sucks… and then you die. Along the way, hopefully, you have some good times and find a few friends to make the experience suck a little less.
I’m no different than the rest of you. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just trying to get through the day without feeling like an idiot like everyone else.
I didn’t ‘save’ anyone due to some grand calling, or moral principle. Basically, I healed a bunch of people because I wanted to practice healing and couldn’t figure out how to help out with the shield. That whole thing with the ambush where I ‘led’ the charge to save everyone… I barely thought about anything other than the fact that it was a shitty plan that I didn’t agree with. Hell, even the thing with the siege wyrm started off because I thought whoever was in charge over there was being a fucking moron. I didn’t necessarily think about saving anybody, I just had an idea and went with it. Granted, things got a little out of hand there at the end, but that just goes to show you the point I’m trying to make.
I’m telling you all right now, stop believing in whatever idea you have of who I am because you’re wrong. I’m no leader. Hell, I’m not even a good follower. You people keep talking about paths and crap, and regardless of how much I hate it… I’m starting to see that I can’t avoid dealing with it.
When it wasn’t affecting me, I was perfectly fine letting you all think whatever you wanted to about me. While I didn’t necessarily enjoy it, at the time I didn’t see the harm in it. But now, it’s starting to mess with my head. So, let me set the record straight. You can join House Walker if you want. You can follow me into whatever danger I end up in. I’m not going to stop you.
However, you need to know that I’m not going to be running anything. That’s all Cathleen and the others. They’ll be in charge of all that stuff. I’m, at best, a figurehead. To be honest, even that amount of responsibility is something I’m probably going to do my best to ignore.
I didn’t come to this world at the behest of some deity looking to help you all out. I’m not interested in confronting the system and freeing you from the classist chains you’re all toiling under. I’m not a noble crusader who’s interested in politics and helping the people, and I’m certainly not some asshole who’s going to sit on some chair and tell you how to live your life. I’m just not the kind of person who is capable of caring that much about anyone other than myself.
I know who I am, and I’m not going to pretend anymore. This world apparently won’t let me.
So, I’ll try to be very, very clear. I’m interested in one thing, and one thing only. I want the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. To that end, I’m interested in magic and money… the two things that will allow me to see the world and enjoy myself without worries. This is a world of magic and wonder, an actual fantasy world that has monsters and dungeons, and I’m planning to see it all!”
Holding his arms out wide, he smiled like a madman and shouted, “I’m going to seek out new life and new civilizations, boldly going wherever the hell I want, feeling the wind in my hair and the blood pumping in my chest as I kill exotic monsters that I’ve only ever heard of. Along the way, I’m probably going to hook up with numerous barmaids and farmgirls, likely lying my ass off and running away from commitment while doing it. No duty and honor is going to put me in a box and put a label on me. And, I’m warning you right now, you can bet your cartoonishly sweet asses that I’m going to piss some people off along the way. That’s just who I am.
I aim to be an adventurer… nothing more… nothing less.
One day, when I’m old and gray, I’m going to be sitting comfortably in my magic tower, drinking booze and telling stories about ‘what’ I killed ‘where’, and which assholes I pissed off while doing it. Maybe I’ll get lucky and have a harem of big titty elves and some brats. Or maybe I’ll marry a damned dragon. Who knows? I sure as hell don’t expect to be planning all that far ahead while I’m out there living my life to the fullest. But one thing is for sure… I’m sure as shit not going to be anybody’s damned hero!”
Finishing his speech, Nero lowered his hands to his side and waited for the expected fallout. He could feel the silence in the room, and it was heavy enough to squash a professional wrestler. Inside his center, he could practically sense the heavy blockages on his soul slowly fading away. It was as if all the tension he’d been carrying was being left behind.
Standing there on his pillar, finally having freed himself from the burden of having to be someone he’s not, he closed his eyes and tilted his chin up to the ceiling, thoroughly enjoying the moment.
Unfortunately, his happiness didn’t last long as the room practically erupted in applause.
Opening his eyes, he stared out across the common room in confusion. Throughout the tent, he saw people smiling crazily as they whooped and cheered. Some damned idiots were even crying as if they were overcome with emotion. It was like he’d just given his acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement award or something.
‘Well… OK, then… Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with these people?’ he wondered to himself in confusion.