Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.1)

…

The moment I heard those words, I immediately fell back to my strongest skills of trickery and subterfuge. The two sets of skills ingrained into me since birth. The skills which have served me well, grown in power, and became my finest weapons. In the realm of subterfuge and lies, I was the absolute best because they grew in power the more I trained them. Of my 108 Hachiman Skills, the two I was about to employ were the most powerful. This world’s inhabitants had no defense against them, and I was pretty sure I was committing crimes against humanity by employing such tactics, but I persevered in my use of them out of necessity.

“Oh, and why would that be the case?” Hikigaya Hachiman used Goad for Exposition! Hikigaya Hachiman still has Actions left! What will he do next? Special move select! Do you wish to use Stay Quiet? Stay Quiet selected! Wait, what is this? Stay Quiet is synchronizing with Goad for Exposition! It has transformed into Playing Dumb! The two moves are launched simultaneously?! Hikigaya Hachiman has crossed his arms in contempt! The attack is launched! “Eh?”

“Your god has sent both you and Orimoto-san in secret with Orimoto-san’s Skill in Updating keeping them entirely out of harm’s way. Do not play the fool, Hikigaya-san. You can see the similarities between our Kami-samas.” The move is super effective! It’s a critical hit! Fels is confused! Fels is unaware of its confusion! Fels has explained everything! Hikigaya has used Cunning Plot to defeat the Plot! It’s effectiveness against Zaimokuza [Shitty Author] is super effective! Wait, why was I in a tag team battle by myself!? This game is shit! “You cannot claim to hate how we act when you do the same—”

“On the contrary, I do hate having to do this.” Ha! You didn’t expect that did you! Yeah, Fels, unlike you and all the other Adventurers, I didn’t love my god completely and utterly! Wait, since I was my own god, did that mean that didn’t like myself!? Augh, the power of my own Skills are too much! I’ve harmed myself by using my own techniques! Dammit, forget about that for now! I need to act my part! I swung out my hand in a cutting motion and held it out. My cloak billowed. This was the time I declared something awesome. Don’t fail me now, animators! “If I could hate my own Kami-sama for forcing me to do this, do you think you have any chance of convincing me to do the same for you!?” I levelled a finger towards Fels with a slow swing of my arm. Yes! I had to milk the animation budget as much as possible! This was definitely going to be on screen! “Consider this a warning, Fels, I won’t stand for any of my allies to be used as pawns! If you want our help, you ask us all properly and tell us everything we need to know!”

I waited, I mean the episode probably just ended, so this was definitely on a cliffhanger. Knowing that, I can assume that one of two things was going to happen. This was either going to be the part where Fels was going to rush me and hold me up by my throat, and I triggered a boss fight where I can’t use my spells because of all the potential collateral damage, or he was going to teleport away after looking angry for a few moments. Maybe the latter was going to involve a few threats, too. Or, if the studio was going to be a bunch of cheap scumbags and not call in the VA, he would just get “Menace” thrumming over him with some pitch black lines. This was definitely the End Card of the episode one way or another—

“Then, if that is what it takes, so be it, Hikigaya-san.” What. Fels tucked his armored hands into his sleeves and gave a bow, before taking a seat behind the table of my office. I checked and double checked. I made sure I wasn’t hearing things. Mr. Final Boss reopened the ledger he was perusing and began to trace along the words of the book. “Ouranos-sama will gladly dispense with subterfuge if he can have the strength of your Alliance at his back.”  He raised one armored hand to tap at the chin of his mask. “Better to have a force such as the one you’ve crafted be honed and used for Orario, rather than collapse  as the Zeus and Hera Familias did. I am sure that I will be able to convince my Kami-sama to speak to the gods of the Alliance and even yours, if they choose to reveal themselves.”

Someway, somehow, I’d been tricked.

I mean, it looked like this person before me did something reasonable and intelligent instead of playing according to the act I’d expected of him. This was beyond the norm and beyond my expertise. Was I supposed to know Mr. Final Boss was actually diligent, dutiful, and mindful of his goals rather than himself? Seriously? Who the hell expects that sort of development after years of dealing with people with blatant egos!?

There was no foreshadowing for this shit! Where the hell were all the warnings!? Was I seriously supposed to expect the teleporting, Grim Reaper copy-paste to be ready to compromise?! The character design for this public servant is way too off! This was totally unfair, dammit! I could’ve played hardball and gotten loads more! I could’ve haggled and gotten more than just “give everyone the information we need and proper payments!”

Dammit!

I could feel your smug smile behind that mask, you bastard!

Stop being so damn smug, you’re not even cute enough to make up for it!

Not that being cute actually makes me less pissed off at people for being smug!

…

“Eh, Hikigaya-sensei? What are you doing here?” In my state of defeat, I was luckily found by the most harmless being in existence. Yes, indeed, as I contemplated my newfound issues, I was found by Ms. Fanservice herself. The Oppai-Loli Goddess and String-chan located me in the kitchen with my face against the table. Yep, this was definitely a “gloomy-lines and purple background” scene. The perfect scene for the comedic relief to enter into. Hestia-sama, I hope you’re getting paid well for all the work you’re doing! If you’re not, you really need to study your rights better! “Bell-kun and everyone else went to look for you!”

For a moment, I considered just ignoring the prime opportunity for screen time, but decided against it. I’d already messed up one of my scenes, so I wasn’t about to waste another opportunity. While there were better people to speak to in order to get proper screen time, talking to Hestia was guaranteed time in front of the whole audience. She was the sort of character who’d get a whole spinoff series via comic strips, so I was sure she had plenty of time as the focus of the anime. Her whole purpose was to provide eye candy. Otakus loved eye candy. In conclusion, talking to Hestia was guaranteed to make you the focus of the situation. Therefore, I avoided talking to her whenever possible.

Gomen, Hestia-sama and String-chan, but both of you are too close to the sun. I would burn up and die if I spent too much time with the two of you, gomen.

“Eh, why do I feel like you’re making fun of me, Hikigaya-sensei!?  Oh, right. Hestia-sama exhibits a modicum of self-awareness as the primary audience view point. I can’t just carelessly glance at her with disdain and discomfort like everyone else. She was self-aware in certain areas, very aware of two particular areas, and incredibly dense when something involving her was supposed to be funny. Yeah, overall, she was a combination between Fanservice Girl, First Girl, and Comedic Relief. A combination that, much like her dress, is an abomination that only works because its pandering to the lowest of the low. “Mouu… you’re still doing it, jeez!”

Augh, I needed to do a comedy skit so I wouldn’t be hated by all the filthy Otaku!

“Hmmm? What are you talking about, Hestia-sama?”

“Your face! It… it feels like you think I’m some sort of pitiable dog trying to cheer you up!”

“That was incredibly specific, Hestia-sama.”

“See, just like that! That face right there! It makes me feel terrible! Absolutely terrible!”

“Gomen, Hestia-sama, but this is just my regular face.”

“I… I don’t know whether to feel bad or relieved by that….”

Drumroll. Curtains. Laugh track. Anime of the year, people. I am officially best character now. I just played straight man with the comedic relief. The chances of me dying in the next five season just went down to nothing. Well, as long as I kept doing this. So, since I had an ounce of dignity and couldn’t stand being a part of a running gag, I was going to preemptively decide to never do it again. Despite the fact it would ensure I survived the whole series, while my body would be whole and hale, my soul would wither away into nothing. Stay strong, Hestia-sama. Stay stronger, String-chan. This whole anime’s comedic routine is the responsibility both of you bear alone. It is a great weight to add onto what you already carry, String-chan, but stay strong. Ganbare, String-chan. You are the hero we all need, but don’t deserve. You will be forever remembered.

With those thoughts weighing down my mind, knowing fully that I was about to thrust myself into danger with my next words, I mentally saluted the true hero of this anime before actually talking to Hestia-sama about the new issue the Alliance was in.

Heh, I was going to talk about plot with the Plot.

…

“…Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised about all of this, Hikigaya-sensei. Ouranos has always been secretive about Orario.” Hestia sighed as she held a cup of coffee I’d brewed while relaying the new information I’d gained. I’d told the Cranel’s goddess about Ouranos, Evilus, and Fels. I’d also shared what I’d found out about all the murders, including what happened to Dionysus’s and Hermes’s Familias. Basically speaking, there was definitely a cut between the comedy routine and this scene, since the studio couldn’t afford to have everything to be explained so seriously and Zaimokuza sure as hell couldn’t write it all out without it being bland as hell. Lazy bastard, you could at least try! “But, I’m glad you managed to convince Ouranos to share facts with us instead of just offering us immense rewards for such dangerous quests. “

“I’d hoped that they’d reject the offer, personally.” I admitted my actual plan after a moment of deliberation. Hestia was inclined towards keeping Cranel safe. As a Sensei-type character, I was supposed to feel the same. Naturally, I was free to admit that I didn’t want to have Cranel (or me) involved in fighting a shadowy organization with plans to destroy Orario and possibly the world. “I don’t want to be involved in this matter in the slightest. It’s too dangerous.”

“But, for the sake of the world, we must.” Aww, jeez. I really hoped Hestia wouldn’t say that. Sometimes, due to her status, I forgot that Hestia was the kindest and most caring god in Orario. Naturally, if Orario was threatened, she would be all for protecting it. The city, after all, was the capstone which kept monsters from spilling out across the world. Hestia same took a deep breath before bowing her head towards me again. I was reminded of the time I’d met her, when she’d begged me to keep Cranel safe. “Hikigaya-sensei, please continue to protect and guide my children in these coming times.”

Honestly, you say that like I have a choice in the matter.

Despite their growth, they’re still idiots who need to be looked after.

And, of course, I’d spent too much time on them to just let them die.

…

Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.2)

…

“Neh, Sensei, when are you going to stop running away from Lyon-nee-sama?” Why do you do this to me, Cranel? I just wanted to spend a regular day grinding for money in the Dungeon while everyone settled down. This whole scene of “cornering a man while he’s trying to sneak out” is unnecessary. Anyway, my albino student stood in front of the door I was approaching, one hand resting on his elbow with the index finger of the other one held pointed upward. Ah, Lecture Position #3. First, Cranel, how dare you steal that from me. Second, Cranel, good job reading the mood. Third, again, how dare you. “Eh, Sensei, don’t you have a date with Alf-sama in a few hours?”

Also, what’s with this –sama and –nee-sama, bull? Alf and Lyon, as far as I know, are both terrible relentless people. Such respectful honorifics are wasted on them! You’re better off calling one Oni and the other one just Demon! Yes, they’re both equally evil! I’ve literally had my sanity back for just a day, and spent that day killing giant monsters and cultists while finding out that I have to hunt down the rest of said cult in the deepest parts of the Dungeon! I’ve just woken up on my second day of sanity! I want to spend my day killing monsters and making money instead of looking over my shoulder, dammit!

Still, I knew that if I bared my heart, I would be callously rebuffed by Cranel. I had to go about this via a different dialogue tree. I considered Cranel as an entirety, what his goals were, and what he currently wanted.

“I’ll tell Wallenstein you sleep with Haruhime-san, if you don’t let me leave right this instant, brat.”

Naturally, I threatened Cranel with blackmail right away.

“Y-you’re making it sound bad, Sensei!” Cranel immediately responded. Though my albino student was taken aback by my words, he wasn’t completely defeated. I see, so you truly have matured over this last timeskip. Unfortunately for you, you should never play these games with me because I’ll drag you down to my level and beat you with experience. Wait, down? Did  I just insult myself?  “Haru doesn’t like sleeping alone… ano… she’s not used to it.” Oh, yeah, ex-Ishtar Familia. Jeez. Could I really stoop so low as to use her as blackmail? Hmmm, I’m going with yes, because Cranel will be the victim of the scenario and not her. “Besides, she sleeps more often with Yama-chan! She prefers Yama-chan more than me, even!”

“Your ancestors are rolling in their graves, brat.” I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

“Don’t change the subject, Sensei!” Worth it. “Also, you know that’s not what I meant!”

Very worth it.

“Sensei, going straight back to work after almost working yourself to death is dumb!” Oi, who taught you how to use logic? What kind of crazy inept bastard would do such a—oh, wait, I did that. Damn you, myself! Our shortsightedness is biting us in the ass! Damn you, past self! You’re the cause of all my damned problems! Also, sorry future self, but this is never going to stop. It’s just too convenient to mess up your day, teehee. Damn you, past self.  “You need to relax! Spend some time with Alf-sama or Lyon-nee-sama!”

“Brat, your definition of relaxing needs some serious work.” You know what’s really relaxing? Kicking a goblin down a hallway into another goblin and seeing both explode against a wall. That is relaxing. Also sadistic, but very relaxing. Still, I’ll be the sadistic one in that particular equation. Given my interactions with Elves since my Character Development Scene, I knew that anything involving them would have me as the goblin and at their long-eared, smug mercy i.e. there won’t be any mercy at all! I can see the pattern, dammit! I’m not letting it become a running gag! “Spending time with either of those two is the opposite of relaxing.”

“T-Then, let’s go do something by ourselves, Sensei!” Oi, what’s with that face and that stutter? Why are you blushing so much?! Don’t act like y-you’ve just asked me out, brat! Stop looking away and pressing your fingers together! That’s Totsuka’s method of appeal! You need to find your own way to appeal to people! Not me, of course! Someone else! Anyone else! This isn’t working! “T-there’s tons of places where we can go before we start working again! Wallenstein recommended going to a hot springs resort! We can even go there on a discount!”

Am… am I actually being invited into a feel-good, comfy filler episode?! I…I’ve never been invited to something like this, ever! I mean, sure, dudes go to Hot Springs sometime to just relax. From an intellectual standpoint, I understand that fact completely. However, back in Japan, I had two options: Zaimokuza and Totsuka. Obviously, I couldn’t go with either one. The former because… why would I. The latter for my sanity and that of my parents. Cranel… was an alright option. Nowhere close to Totsuka. Much better than Zaimokuza. Just right. Wait. That sounded creepy. Very creepy. Leave me be, evil spirits!

“…Alright. I suppose, if you’re paying, that’ll be fine.”

“Ahaha…you mean it wouldn’t be fine if I wasn’t paying?”

“Obviously.”

“Sensei, you need to work on your tact…”

Yeah, this should be fine.

I think.

Probably.

…

It wasn’t.

“My, my Hikigaya-kun, what a coincidence to see you here, especially when I told you that I would meet you at the Hestia Familia’s demesne in just a few hours.”

This was a fanservice episode, so it definitely wasn’t.

“Ah, Hachiman, how surprising to find you here.”

This was the pandering scene, where all the budget went to; the scenes you never wanted to explain to anyone. This is the reason why anime is considered a terrible medium! Because, unlike actors and actresses, drawings don’t get to complain about showing too much skin. It’s all 2-D, so it’s fine if they show everything off every few episodes for the lonely bastards clinging to the edges of society! Goddammit, why can society never do anything right!? Tell them they’re weirdos, hurt their feelings, and convince them they need to change, dammit! Don’t just look down on them! Fix the problem, don’t just demean people! If you demean them, they’ll keep doing it just to spite you! Call them weird enough times and they’ll be scarred for life and eventually change!

“Brat, would you to care to explain yourself?” I looked towards Cranel. I had a firm grip on his shoulder. We were at the hot springs which he had spoken about. He was trying to run. I wouldn’t let him. I gave him my best smile. By best, of course, I meant it was the only smile I was remotely capable of managing. It was somewhere between a grimace and a snarl. “Why exactly is just about everyone here?”

“W-well, I invited a lot of people, but you k-know how invitations go. Ummm… ah… they get ignored, and some people don’t show up, so since I wanted a small party I sent… two dozen invitations?” Cranel, no matter how much you poke your fingers together, blush, or stammer, you’re not getting out of this issue. I wanted a relaxing day, not this! Nothing like this! “I swear I didn’t send any to Lyon-nee-sama or Alf-sama, I swear it!”

“...” I can tell since my albino traitor was a terrible liar whenever he tried to do so. Cranel wasn’t lying at the moment. However, that was only due to a technicality. To be more precise, the technicality concerning the one person he’d never forget to invite to a hot springs. Still, I had a semblance of mercy and decided to whisper to him instead of actually saying my thoughts aloud. “…Do expect me to believe that you thought Wallenstein would come alone with you to the Hot Springs?”

“Don’t say it like it’ll never happen, Sensei!”

I would’ve liked to have devolved into squabbling with Cranel, perhaps leading to the scene fading into black and with me already in the hot springs, with the “men” of the group present trying to clamber between the bamboo barriers, but alas the lack of animation budget could not save me. It could barely save the pace of this shitty story. Anyway, just as I expected, I found a hand settling on my shoulder that signaled my further devolution from serious mentor to running joke, dammit. 

“Now, now, Hikigaya-kun, your student merely has your best interests in heart.” Oi, those words and that smile don’t match the “Certain Death” Aura you have going on, Alf! S-so what if you just verified that I really wasn’t going to show up for the “date” that you’d set up! I’ll have you know that I’m the lowest of the low! I have no shame in taking things that I need and giving nothing back! That’s pretty much what all young adults do! “After all, I’m sure that he simply didn’t want to see you make any choices you’d come to regret.”

“Indeed, you would’ve been most sorely disappointed in the outcomes of your actions if not for your student, Hachiman.” Uhhh, don’t the two of you hate each other? Lyon, why are you not contesting this? Why are you just gripping my other shoulder instead of picking a fight? This isn’t the natural way things go. It is very clear that, for some unfathomable reason, the two of you insist on “pressuring” in each of your own craven ways. So, why exactly aren’t the two of you fighting? “There are matters that need to be discussed. Much regarding your… weaknesses towards others.” Ah, there’s some hostility, but there’s not nearly enough! Fight one another so I can escape, please! “Naturally, this conversation must be had immediately for your sake.”

I was trapped like a rat, between two cats. No, wait. That was the wrong analogy. I’m sorry, Kamakura, for comparing you to these two monsters who have captured me. Both Lyon and Alf are not cute or cuddly. They did not “play” with their food. Both went straight for the neck. Yes, indeed, these two were more like lions or dragons. In short, both were just plain uncompromising monsters. Please, step away. Hey, dammit, let me get a word in edgewise! Don’t do that! Stop being so close! Was that perfume? Let me think! Did they just naturally smell goo—I can’t think in this situation! Get away!

“We’ll be heading into the springs later. We will be speaking first.” Lyon addressed my gathered students and Cranel. Arde, Erisuis, and Nelly, why are none of you helping me escape!? I know Cranel’s a trash harem protagonist who approves of this, who can only see the good of this, but you all ought to know better than to let your Sensei be dragged away by two different parties! My arm was grasped by two hands and held hostage. The start of my plea for aid died on my lips. “Enjoy yourselves.”

“I will return shortly, everyone.” Alf spoke to the Loki Familia members who were watching the scene. Most were already past the doors. At the very least, judging from Cranel’s face, my albino student was going to be spending far more money than he anticipated. Wait, Wallenstein, why are you offering to help him pay!? He deserves to suffer for this! And, my other arm is gone and incapable of movement. The fact I had a brain ceased to matter. I had no thoughts worth mentioning any longer. “I won’t be long.”

While I was being dragged away, I searched for help, mercy, or justice.

With my eyes alone, I begged for aid.

But, no one came.

Dammit, Cranel, this is all your fault!

…

Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.3)

…

Relationships are the finest ruses. They justify everyone working alongside one another. Whether that another was society, your family, or those in your immediate vicinity, relationships provide the justification for someone to do something not for themselves. Since the government makes roads, provides plumbing, and peace, you pay taxes. The government continues and you enjoy your luxuries. Because your mother and father brought you into the world, you do your best to not make them ashamed of doing so. You go on to do your best and live under their roof until you manage to move out. Siblings are your closest strangers, those who you know the most and the least about. You’re best friends because you have to be.  Relationships bind society together, make it work, and let the world trundle onward.

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However, while most relationships enjoyed such clarity, complications arose.

Acquaintances tolerate one another. Rivals work against one another. Classmates help each other study. Enemies fight one another.  Teachers teach students. People live. Coworkers move towards a common goal. Allies work together. I can go on and on. There are many relationships that make sense. However, in the end, certain relationships are far more difficult to comprehend. What are friends supposed to do with one another? What are lovers supposed to do?  How does “care” muddle up the simple doctrine of mutual aid? How does the simple lack of blood relations turn everything upside the head?

Yes, “care.”

I would have to be an idiot to not see what was right in front of me. All my students cared about me. Crozzo cared. Lyon cared. Alf cared. I didn’t know how or why, but someway and somehow, I found myself surrounded by people who cared about me. I would be the biggest liar in the world if I said that what they felt didn’t matter to me. If I hadn’t cared about them, any of them, I wouldn’t have thrown myself into protecting them after… after Laulos died. I wouldn’t have started an industry designed to throw body after body into the Dungeon to slowly grind it down into paste if I didn’t care for them too.

I promised to myself, Yuigahama Yui, and Yukinoshita Yukino that I wouldn’t lie to myself and pretend that something isn’t what it is. That day, as nothing more than a high school student, I’d decided that I would choose to look for the truth, even if a lie was more comfortable. While I was fine with being less than people better than me, I wasn’t about to regress and be less than the person I used to be.

So, in essence, though I didn’t want to admit it, I wasn’t the same person with the same goals as I was half a year ago.

…

The room was simple and bare. Just a few tables and some cabinets in the corner. It was the spring’s staff room. Alf asked if she could borrow it. Being normal people, the staff let the Level 6 Elf do as she wanted and wisely fled. Now, I was seated at a table while two Elves were before me and blocking the way to the door. There were no windows and I was sure that I’d regret trying to run through a wall.

“I kissed you and you kissed me back.” Lyon stated with arms crossed. Her eyes were firmly on me. I could tell she was waiting to intercept my movements. The hand she had on the staff I’d bought her promised that the punishment for doing so would be severe. There was no mercy or humor in her eyes. Just anger. I understood why, but I couldn’t meet her gaze. “Yet you avoid me and lead me on wild chases across the city.”

“I freely gave you a spell worth a tremendous fortune and proposed furthering our relations.” Alf declared whilst seated. Somehow, she was treating a chair like a throne. Try as I might to muster a joke about her pedigree, I couldn’t manage to say anything. There was no room for humor. Her features were of carved porcelain and there was no denying how she thought of me for the moment. “Still, you’re here with the blatant intent to avoid me, despite what I’ve done for you.”

Their gazes met.

Some animosity was present, but they had an accord.

I understood, because I was the cause of said accord.

“What exactly are your intentions towards us, Hikigaya-kun? Do you see us as friends? Potential lovers?” Lyon allowed Alf to speak for her. The Elven Mage placed her hands on the table between the two of us, her back not bending in the slightest. “Because, even if you only did see us as the former, your current actions now suggest otherwise. You are running away, trying to avoid us, and we all know that you are not a coward incapable of properly turning down a woman.”

Because, even if I tried to play this off as some sort of comedy skit, to try and convince myself this wasn’t serious, I couldn’t while they looked at me with hurt and anger in their eyes. They were in the right here. What I did, trying to avoid them, wasn’t right. They’d confessed, stated their intentions, and decided to act, yet I’d treated them both as jokes. I tried to ignore what was in front of me in favor of what I could accept.

“One moment you’re accepting, the next you’re nowhere to be found.” Lyon spoke this time. The Elven Rogue spoke more carefully than I’d ever heard her. I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t hear the tremble in her voice, or how tightly her hands wrung around the weapon I’d given her. This was my fault. My decision to avoid her could only be seen in a single way. Trust and understanding could go far, but not when you found yourself avoided. I should’ve told myself that, especially when I’d had the same done to me long ago. “Hachiman, if you hold no interest in me beyond friendship, say so! I’m not some woman that needs to be coddled or treated like porcelain!” She wanted answers, even if she feared she wouldn’t like them. “I.. I won’t think any less of you as a friend if you have no affection for me. I won’t have you extricate yourself from my life simply because you believe I cannot handle rejection.”

Ryuu Lyon and Riviera Ljos Alf had both stated their intentions towards me. Lyon had implied her interest even before I went mad. Though Alf had only acted after the fact, after Lyon’s declaration, wasn’t that just someone’s natural response? They were two individuals who wanted a deeper relationship with someone else. Still, the issue here wasn’t what they’d done, but what I’d chosen to do and planned to do. In short, the two had confessed to me, and I had decided to try and avoid the situation. I’d tried to convince myself their actions were contrivances, that there was nothing earnest about their decisions, and that it was all for the sake of comedy.

I’d run away and, by doing so, I’d hurt them.

What could I say to them?

Logically, I knew that the best course of action would be to say that I wasn’t interested in either of them. That would settle matters completely. They would get their answers, I would no longer have to run, and the situation would be settled. That choice fit into the plans I had. The plan to leave and return home. To reach the End, as the brightly burning reminder in my brain told me to do. Simply put, the best way to settle this situation was to reject the two of them, to say that I didn’t see them as anything more than allies and friends, and continue walking the path that I had before me.

However, if I could do that, then I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

“Hikigaya-kun, say something. Don’t stay silent.” Alf pleaded. Pleaded. The princess of an entire nation, a woman with great pride and power, awaited my answer. Any urge to tease her for her words, any attempt of mine to turn this situation on its head, died swiftly.  This was exactly why I couldn’t follow the logical path. If I’d said any of those things, I knew that she’d be hurt. Not flustered, embarrassed, or hiding a smile, just plainly hurt by my decision. “This… whatever it is… cannot continue in our current circumstances.”

“…” Lyon said nothing. It was the silence from her which caused me to finally look at her. I didn’t see the person who’d I tried to replace Yukinoshita with, the waitress who I’d spoken to every day, or even the ally I’d gained. I saw a girl holding back words, waiting for a decision, trying her best to be willing to accept one of the two outcomes that she saw before her. Despite her own feelings and everything she did, she wasn’t about to do anything that would complicate the decision before her. My decision. She looked away from me, her shoulders lowered, and pulled down her hood. “…Just answer, Hachiman.”

The last time I was confronted with a dilemma such as this, where I couldn’t find an answer and a way out, Hiratsuka Shizuka was there to help. My Sensei, in my time of troubles, told me that if there’s a problem, one should find the root cause. In order to find said cause, one had to eliminate possibilities one by one. If a solution wasn’t presented, then that meant the problem found was the wrong one… or something was being overlooked. Unless you found that root problem, the very core of the issue, you’d never be able to understand, start moving forward, or have any hope of finding a solution.

The problem here was that I had two different goals that were mutually exclusive.

The first was to return home.

The second was to stay.

My family waited for me. My mother, father, and sister were all back home. Yuigahama Yui and Yukinoshita Yukino were there. Isshiki Iroha, Totsuka Saiki, and Zaimokuza Yoshiteru. Friends, classmates, and people who I wanted to see again. There were matters that I hadn’t settled, a life I wanted to live, and a peaceful world that I had a chance to return to. A world where there weren’t shadows I had to be wary of, where I didn’t have to fight, and where I didn’t have to worry about everyone I cared for could die at any moment. A place where I never had to pick up a sword or cast another spell.

Peace.

However, here, there were people I’d come to care about and who cared about me. Cranel, Arde, Nelly, and Erisuis were all my students. I’d trained them, fed them, and taught them. In their times of trouble, I was there. When my situation was dire, they were present. Crozzo, Leona, and Grande were all people I could rely on to lend a shoulder regardless of the issue. Then, of course, there were the two elves right in front of me, and the two figures casting shadows behind the door. I couldn’t deny that I didn’t see their affection, especially when the outcome of ignoring said affection resulted in the hurt I saw before me. They weren’t drawings or words on a page, they were people who had hearts and minds. They could get hurt, especially when they decided to be brave… and all they received in turn was a coward who wanted to run away.

What did I want?

For the first time, I couldn’t answer that question.

…

Understandably, This Is Terrible. (21.4)

…

“I want to return to my family, back to my friends, and the people I’d cared about.” The words are harder to say than I want them to be. Even with my decision to act, committing myself to the act itself was incredibly difficult. My throat felt like it was being wrung through a sieve. Matching Lyon and Alf’s gazes, raising my head to look at them both, made me feel like I was fighting against a boulder dragging my head down. “I hate Orario. I hate the Dungeon. I hate how people live here. This place is disgusting.” I forced myself to state my thoughts, no matter how they’d make me look. I needed to make them see through my perspective. “I can’t stand all of it. If I had any choice, I wouldn’t be here.”

There was no way I could say that I was from another world. Not without making Alf and Lyon feel as though I was mocking them. There was no point to explaining further. While my words were only part of the truth, it was a greater fragment of said truth, and if I had the option of explaining further, I would. But, that option was currently nowhere to be seen. I was afraid enough to say no more than that. I didn’t want to seem immature or mad in the process. Not to them. Not now. Not here.

“When I first arrived here, I made a decision. Once I reached the bottom of the Dungeon, I would leave this place, cut ties, and never return.” That was the plan that drove me to where I was now. The plan which had pushed me through killing monsters and plucking out their hearts, mercilessly beating thugs, and making myself as untouchable as possible. It was that thought that let me survive getting five friends killed and cutting ties with the first person in this world who I’d come to trust. I wanted to go home. “I didn’t come here willingly. Not for power or wealth. I’m here because I have to be, because I don’t have a choice until I reach the End of the Dungeon.”

“…An impossible task. That’s a death sentence, Hikigaya-kun.” Alf’s soft words struck a chord with me. Yeah, it was impossible wasn’t it? If Cranel wasn’t a “hero,” someone with a destiny intrinsically tied to this worldand I was wrong about him, then that was the case. Again, my choice to continue trying to get home, to follow the words seared into my brain, was what kept me going. If the world was wrong, you destroyed that world, and made a new one. It wasn’t impossible. Not if this was just a story with an unbeatable hero. “How could someone do such a thing—”

“You’re better off asking Loki than me about that.” Had a god sent me here? Something or someone with the power to send someone into a world filled with gods, souls, and magic? Did they create this world? Was it already present? Even I was merely sent here, where Heaven and Hell both definitively existed, from home, wasn’t that reason enough for me to believe that I couldn’t go against the wishes of the one who wanted me to reach the Dungeon’s End? “Who knows how our Kami think?” For better or worse, whoever carved the words into my head, gave me power, and sent me here was my one and only god. I tried to laugh, but I could only muster a sigh as my throat caught. “Alf, there’s no point in focusing on how I got here, or why I have to reach the End, only that I must or die trying.”

They probably knew just how impossible my task was more than I did. There was a reason why I’d spent a good part of my first year in this world as a crazed man living off scraps and beneath porches. The creeping fear of never being able to accomplish a task, along with the prospect of an all-powerful being specifically sending you to another world for no stated reason, was something I could never let go of. There was something or someone out there who put me in a world where gods—. No. I took a breath. I wouldn’t let those thoughts sink in. I couldn’t. I doubted I could ever be treated with enough pity and greed ever again to be broken out of that particular cycle.

“Nothing is impossible. The Dungeon can be beaten. I can make it to the last Floor. I will be able to get back to my family.” I had to believe those words. They were something I had set on repeat to counter the fear and despair constantly raking at my sanity. I didn’t know if Lyon or Alf believed my words, but that didn’t matter. I was presenting them the situation I was in, bereft of any lies save for the ones that would subvert the issue. “When I get there,” or die trying, “I’ll be leaving Orario and I don’t intend to keep being an Adventurer.”

A silence fell between the three of us. Both Lyon and Alf did their utmost best to control their emotions, to make sure I didn’t feel guilt and choose because of them, but they couldn’t conceal how they truly felt about my declaration. Their eyes were wide, they were speechless, and both were barely able to hold their tongues. In a way, I knew that I was using their care for me against them, but I didn’t know any way around it.

The door creaked open and Tiona Hiryute walked through.

“H-hey, Hikigaya-kun.” I matched the Amazon’s teary gaze and did my best to ignore the trembling, half-born smile on her lips. “Y-you don’t mean that, right?” I stayed silent. The short-haired girl walked towards me. Alf moved to stop her, but was unable to do so. The dark-skinned girl grasped at my sleeve. “Please, tell me that you’re not going to become mortal again. Please… please tell me that you aren’t… that you won’t…”

In the end, I planned to go home and live a regular life in a world without magic.

One without a Falna on my back to keep me living for centuries on end while my family and friends back home died all around me.

And, even, if I retained my powers and long life upon my return home, I didn’t plan to benefit off of them.

Both Orimoto and I agreed that we would keep one another “mortal” if such was the case.

Jeez, Hiryute, living past your 80s is pretty decent for the average Japanese man, y’know?

It’s normal, that’s how life’s supposed to be, and wasn’t that what I’ve been yearning for all these years?

…

Being with anyone as just yourself is impossible. The phrase “letting people in” is deceptively simple. Relationships, those that have the chance of being worthwhile, all carry an aspect of risk. The implication behind the phrase says more than the phrase itself. Wanting to be friends, to have people you trust, requires you to be vulnerable, to be weak, and open a path for you to be hurt. And, people hurt one another. Whether by accident or on purpose, simply living will result in one person hurting another. That is a fact. So, naturally, every relationship has the potential to hurt at the start, and one half will hurt other eventually.

There is no perfect route.

No way or means to make everyone happy.

Not if you didn’t change.

It was unfamiliar thought, but one that I could understand.

Maybe it was because I’d made more mistakes than I could care to count, from both my life on Earth and in this world, but to accompany the facts I knew about relationships, I knew that problems were only as big as you made them to be.  Impossible. Never. Insurmountable. All three were dependent on perspective. Of course, if you expected to fail, that meant that your best result would be failure. Was the way I chose to see the world healthy? No, but it worked, and I was still alive.

Maybe it was because I’d helped people overcome their problems, turning flaws into strengths and polishing what was already present, so I knew that through hard work and diligence, a person can change to better suit their environment and goals. Isshiki could never have been president if she hadn’t changed. Totsuka couldn’t have become tennis captain. Whats-her-name wouldn’t have become a scholarship holder. Those were just the “normal” people I’d known. Here, in Orario, the stakes had been higher, situations much worse, but they overcome their situations through their own efforts… and a little help.

Maybe, I just didn’t want to keep myself before more people I cared about and hurting them because I was unwilling to change. First, it had been with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Second had been with Hecate. Then, it was with Laulos. Now, it was with Viridis, Hiryute, Alf, and Lyon. If I kept on as I was, then this situation was always going to keep occurring. Even if the situation wasn’t my fault, even if some aspects were caused by things outside my control, I was still the person who chooses how to react. I couldn’t expect any differences in my life, if I kept living it the same way I always did.

Naturally, simply, and  frighteningly, I knew that I had to be willing to let others help me so that I could change. 

…

“That is what I plan to do.” I wasn’t very good at compromises. In my defense, I doubted that anyone was. The definition of compromise was “everyone is equally dissatisfied.” Not something I would allow. I preferred to be as content, fulfilled, and happy as possible. However, if the cost of that was everyone else feeling miserable, then the solution was a simple one. Perhaps it was because I still haven’t kicked my habit of throwing myself under the bus when given the opportunity to do so, but I liked to think that I was doing it because wanted to change. I couldn’t break Hiryute’s grip, so I settled on placing a hand on her shoulder. “But… but that isn’t set in stone.”

Indecisiveness went two ways, I suppose. On one hand, it can make a bad situation worse through ignorance. On the other hand, it could be used to give everyone a chance. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay. Both were mutually exclusive decisions that would hurt people I cared about no matter which I chose. As cowardly as the thought sounded, I… I didn’t want to shoulder all of the responsibility of that choice. It may have been something my past self would’ve been unable to accept, it felt like making other people into scapegoats for my decision, but… but if they did care… wouldn’t they want to convince me to stay?

“Convince me to remain here. Convince me to remain as an adventurer.” As I currently stood, I wanted to go back home and live a regular life. Memories of my family and friends from there would never be forgotten. I will reach the End of the Dungeon as the words burned into my mind told me I should. The reason why I was second guessing myself now was because of the people I’d met and grown to care for, such as the four before me, so it was only logical that I’d give them the chance to convince me to stay. I looked at each of them in turn and wondered what they would do. “I’m willing to listen.” An open mind. That was all I was going to give. Still, it felt like I was turning my back on my home. This was as far as I was going to go. “I… I won’t ignore what you have to say.”

I expected apprehension, maybe even shock or disbelief, but in the gazes that met mine all I was saw was determination.

…

Interlude: The Lonely Champion (Part 4)

…

On any other occasion, the sweltering heat and steam offered by the hot springs would’ve been welcome. The custom so loved by the gods, to the point where they raised springs wherever they planned to live for extended periods, was something that my own culture adopted as well. Nature itself cleansed, unwound, and refreshed the body. Though I had many contentions concerning my people’s traditions, I had to admit that I was as partial to the hot springs as any elf. Still, I was unable enjoy myself within the heated waters, mostly due to my thoughts being centered wholly around the most singular, irritating, and incalculable Hikigaya Hachiman.

As was the case, I was quite sure, for just about all others present.

That alone was an irritating fact among the many which Hachiman carried about him. The man I’d been foolish enough to be interested in was one who had the honest interest of three others and the passing fancy of who knows how many. The situation would be more tolerable if he had the courage to nominate a single individual to “convince him,” but he had chosen to issue the challenge to all comers. Word would spread, I was sure, and the course of action I’d set into motion would further and further make the situation complicated.

I did not regret kissing him to bring back his sanity, nor did I regret the fact that I forced the damnable noble’s hand, because those events led to him finally baring his true intentions.

As I should’ve known of Hachiman, he was an oddly singular individual. An oddity amongst adventurers, not just humans, whose skills, situation, and solutions all contrasted with everyone else. He wished to be free of the long life granted by the Falna, to become mortal once more, and the god who held sway over him was more of a jailor than a benefactor. The gods could be cruel, I knew that fact from experience, but his situation was beyond all others. No one else could be so grossly gifted with divine power, yet also be truly shackled by it. I could only guess at the collateral which was held against him. What could a god hold against him that would have him truly try to reach the End of the Dungeon? There were many answers. None of them were pleasant.

Complicated, the word described Hachiman, despite the face he would completely and utterly hate its connotations.

He sets out towards an impossible task and wishes to die a mortal man after it. He wishes to leave, but he wants to stay. He is ruthless, yet can’t stand to reject anyone. He sees himself as a figure unworthy of help, forgiveness, or any recourse, but he now asked for help. Were people supposed to praise his bravery? Or were they to hold him in contempt for what he had to be courageous for? If he was the one deciding, I knew which one he would choose for himself. If the choice was firmly in his hands, without a doubt, he would call himself the latter.

There were many things I didn’t know of Hikigaya Hachiman.

Who was he, truly? What had he done to gain the burden he now carried? Was he innocent, merely a part of some god’s game, or a criminal? Who were his family? Were they alive? Did he intend to simply die after his task, following his dead sister as Hiryute Tiona feared, or to live out the rest of his life with the possibility of allying with another god?

I was unable to keep track of my thoughts, of what I needed to think, all because of his damned words.

Still, I knew that while I tried to find answers, to make sense of the human known as Hikigaya Hachiman, I would not back down from the challenge he presented.

…

“Gale-chan!” Tiona Hiryute’s antics never failed to surprise me. Within moments of leaving the spring, I was beset by the Amazon. The short girl’s tremendous strength allowed her to lift me with ease. Despite the fact I’d taken another Step towards Divinity after meeting with my goddess, I was incapable of resisting her advance. “Thank you! Thank you!”

“…” For a moment, I was confused as to the reason why I was being smothered with praise, then I realized that Hiryute Tiona was the only one amongst us who Hikigaya even deigned to inform of his past. I was sure that the true extent of his purpose would’ve been left unrevealed if the Amazon had not chosen to enter the room. She was thanking me for cornering him and forcing out the truth of the matter, but in fact she had unveiled more of the truth than myself. “The praise is all yours, Hiryute.” I somehow managed a breath despite her grip. “Without you, we would not know the cost of failing to convince Hachiman.”

I hoped that would be the end of it, but the Amazon merely gave a shout of glee and her grip tightened.

And, as though the matter could not get more complicated, two of the other three people I didn’t wish to see at the moment were approaching as well.

“I’d very nearly called for the staff to fetch you. I believed you’d drowned, Lyon.” Riveria Ljos Alf was just as I expected her to be. Overbearing to the point of disbelief, the very “pinnacle” of my race stood before me. Slender, tall, and with viridian hair that seemed to glow against her pearly skin, she was aware of her beauty and made no attempt to hide it. If this were a contest of beauty, I would most certainly lose. Thankfully, despite his oddities, Hachiman did not put much stock in physical attributes. “Come with us. We must settle… certain matters before progressing in regards to Hikigaya-kun.”

“…” I took note of Alf’s words. As with any of nobility, the heiress of the Elven kingdom always chose her words with the greatest care. Though Hachiman had managed to oust from her a coarse truth, I knew better than to believe I would be given the same measure of trust. No, I was sure that Alf held nothing but disdain for me. After all, we opposed and were opposites of one another. A princess and the exile. One who led and one who walked alone. I doubted we’d ever have spoken a word with one another if not for our current circumstances. I managed to pry Hiryute off of my waist, then I met the future sovereign’s gaze. “Oh? I thank you for your consideration, but I’ll have you know that I’m not as easily exhausted as yourself, Alf. I assure you that your concern is unneeded.”

There was a flash of anger in Alf’s gaze which I expected, but it faded away within a moment. I sought out the reason why. To my surprise, I found its source to be the elf who I always failed to notice. The Thousand Elf, who could cast every magic ever created by the Elves, tugged at the spa robe worn by her mentor. Thought their gazes did not meet, the future Queen of my people nonetheless closed her eyes, took a breath, and chose to ignore my words. Though the girl did not meet my gaze, hiding by her sovereign, I couldn’t help but feel as though she was smiling beneath her worried mask. Those who were quiet and did not speak typically had their own plans.

“This is no time for paltry words. I will admit that I was the first to share them, so I offer my apology.” Alf’s words were gracious, but there was no doubt that she strained to say them. It was less humility and more pragmatism, however I shouldn’t have been afforded the latter by one of her status. There was an opportunity for me to take, given her current disposition, but I would be the lesser party if I capitalized on it. With a simple tug on a sleeve, Lefiya Viridis completely steered the situation to what she desired. Subtle. Interesting. Dangerous. “Let us do away with such words in favor of addressing the matter at hand.”

I followed Alf as she led as towards a table. There were few others present in the spa’s eating area. I supposed many of the others were divesting themselves of all the spa’s amenities instead of just the host springs. I was thankful for the privacy. I doubted any of us were willing to speak regarding the matter if others were present. It would be far too embarrassing. Even if the situation held great gravity, I couldn’t imagine speaking about it with some many other people present.

 “First, then, is the issue at hand: Hikigaya-kun’s goals.” If there I was to state that I appreciated any part of Alf, then I would say it would be her ability to lead. Though the future Queen’s personality left much to be desired, I had no doubt of her ability to lead a nation or any other organization. Raised from birth to lead, learning what she can with her mind alone, then sent to Orario to gain power and might for her body. She sounded like an individual straight out of legends… and she lived up to the part she played. “I will be frank. He wishes to do the impossible for the sake of the unthinkable. I have half a mind to simply see him locked up and sent far away before he gets himself killed within the Dungeon’s Depths.”

“Hat-kun wouldn’t like that at all. Or the people that would do something like to him.” Hiryute’s thoughts cut through the most logical answer to the challenge with ease. The safety of the plan would necessitate betrayal. I wouldn’t consider it a proper option. I would most definitely even fight against such an action. That wasn’t a way forward. It was several steps back, in fact. “We can’t do that, not at all!”

“It is the most disagreeable option of them all, indeed. However, should the worse come to pass and he insists on throwing himself into the Dungeon, it is one that must be given consideration.” Very nearly, I spoke out. However, I had to give some manner of leeway in that regard. Alf was one of the few individuals who have managed to nearly reach the recorded floors of the Dungeon. She knew well the dangers that lurked within the source of all the world’s monsters. “I will shoulder the burden of undertaking such an action, should it ever be necessary, but let us progress rather than ruminate on extremes. Lefiya, if you would, please explain our current plans.”

The girl nary a hundred years old flinched at my gaze, but she was able to speak nonetheless.

“H-hikigaya-kun’s only given us this chance because he’s starting to care about e-everyone he’s met in Orario. Even though he hated it at the start, he wouldn’t give us this opportunity if there wasn’t a chance he would stay.” Despite her stutter, Viridis made excellent points. I suspected that the words weren’t entirety due to Hachiman’s situation. The Thousand Elf was in Orario because she was required to be. Their situations were similar. Both could not return home unless they chose to become mortal again. I doubted the girl wanted a life of constant violence as well. “Well, so long as we make Orario a nice place for him, I think we can convince him to stay… and even take less risks.” When she raised her head, she met my gaze without faltering. “S-so, I’d like for everyone to consider n–not fighting  amongst ourselves!”

Was that…

Did she truly just ask everyone to…

Gods…

Of course, without even intending to, Hikigaya Hachiman manages to make my life incredibly complicated by having me actually agree to be cordial with the other women reaching out for his heart!

…