Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.1)

…

“…I’m glad you’re doing this, Hachiman.” Hecate had said with a smile I hadn’t seen in a long, long time. “Please, don’t falter in your course. This will help you immensely.”

The words were kind and good, but I didn’t exactly feel better after hearing them. Even as I stared at the graves, I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I stared and stared as the early spring winds came and went, as the sun shined, and Orario loomed in the distance. I couldn’t find the help that Hecate had spoken of. The key that I needed to rid myself of the burdens that had me teetering on the edge of madness.

The Amulet of Dreamless Sleep had done its job. It set every thought I had down to zero as I slept, but that only meant the ones I’d let fester and rot came back stronger without everything else covering them up. Memories of home had come first. Komachi, my parents, and even that damned Kamakura nearly took my breath away. I tried to forget them, to not think about them, but naturally they were the first  thoughts I had when I awoke.  They were good memories though. They were the kind that I could yearn for and push towards getting again.

Then, of course, came the bad which outnumbered the good immensely.

Crosses stretched across the field. I supposed I could complain about why crosses were the chosen symbols for graves in Orario, but I didn’t find the will to do so. There were better things for me to focus on than distractions like that.  The two most important were paying my respects to the dead and… and making sure that I could observe them without losing myself. It was difficult to just be there, to simply look and think about them, but I had to do it.

Hecate’s Familia came first, because they were the first to… to die.

Linnaeus would never return to his homeland and see his family’s fortunes restored. Asha’s parents will never see their daughter married into nobility. Jinnah will never explore the world, righting what wrongs she came across. Sylt couldn’t add her magics into the Elven Archives and teach where her mother and father had. Kanuri will never return to the homeland she could barely remember.

Those thoughts were always in the back of my mind. Always present and never giving up. They were a constant weight and burden. I had focused on getting to the End of the Dungeon, created a team which would make me powerful, and made them feel too confident. They died because I didn’t look at them, but rather their talents. Their deaths were on my hands. Five good people with all their dreams and potential dashed away because I had been too selfish.

I’d given Hecate the traditional black-and-silver envelopes meant for wakes. She had tried to refuse, but I had insisted it was tradition. She relented only after she realized it was more a symbol than actual wealth. Lives weren’t worth money. I couldn’t buy them back. It was more a sign of support, of future aid, than actual wealth. She took them when she realized that… that I wasn’t running away.

The words Hecate said rang in my head again, but I couldn’t find it in me to do anything besides stare at the empty graves before me and try to not lose myself.

What was I supposed to do? I’d never had someone important to me die. I’d been to funerals, but they were my parents’ friends or faraway relatives. I’d seen my father and mother cry at funerals, but my sister and I never did. Was I supposed to apologize? To cry? To beg for forgiveness from the dead? Wasn’t I supposed to?

They were dead. I felt that their deaths were my fault. I wanted to make sure no one else would die like they did. Still, their names and what they wanted to do rang in my head. I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel like I’d changed from looking at where they were buried. All I wanted to do was go back to the Dungeon, to train Cranel and all my other students as much as I could, and do my best to put them to the back of my mind.

…was that being mad already? A sort of subtle lunacy that I hadn’t caught? I took on one student at a time before, but here I was training more and more. I hated working, yet didn’t I keep everyone informed and trained, poring over every detail in the next fight, until I was satisfied that they had nothing to fear at all?

Naturally, there was no answer from me or anyone else as I looked at the graves until I couldn’t bear to look anymore.

…

Then there was Laulos. 

My last student before the former five. After Arde, Erisuis, and Nelly, but before everyone else and Cranel. My best student, not because she was the most powerful, but because she understood every lesson and committed it to heart. She was ruthless, pragmatic, and always strove for what she believed was right. She was better than me. She could be honest with herself and endure the pain that came with that honesty. Was it my fault that she died? Possibly. There were many “what ifs” involved. What if I had just lied and accepted her words? What if I had stood where she had been standing? What if I’d apologized and believed she actually cared about me?

What if, by some chance, Dia Orpheus hadn’t been a lie and I’d thrown away the chance to save her?

Each one was a question that drove itself into my head again and again.

The graves were far apart. Laulos was freshly buried. The ground upon her casket barely had grass growing upon it. Orario didn’t have wakes. Too many would be held every day. Some graves had flowers on them, or sealed letters, but very few. Death was a natural part of Orario. People took it in stride. Each cross was a dead body of somebody’s friend, each little letter written and flower left was a person grieving over a loss, and I could’ve made that no longer the case.

Dammit, I couldn’t think straight.

Why was it that I could accept not being able to bring back Hecate’s children, but the moment I looked at Laulos’s grave I wanted to run back and accept a stranger’s offer for power? Why did I instantly regret turning down an offer which I hadn’t been sure was real? It would’ve been foolish, beyond idiocy, to accept the deal, but as I tried to reason with myself and to make sense of the situation, my thoughts just ended up on the same subject again and again. I could have brought Laulos back, despite every warning sign and ounce of caution I had, by accepting the offer “Fels” had given me.

Why did I want to apologize to Laulos’s grave for not trying to bring her back?

Because, she would’ve taken that chance if I was there and she was here.

It was single thought, one that barely registered, but it latched on and took hold.

Laulos Daphne would’ve tried to save Hikigaya Hachiman. Regardless of what she could lose in the process, even if it took her years and years to make a pale reflection of what he had made, she would’ve accepted the deal, given everything up, and pursued whatever quest she had been given. No matter what the quest would’ve been, if there was a chance he could be brought back, she would’ve taken it. Even if she would’ve had the same thoughts, the same doubts, and realized how it could all just be a lie… she would’ve tried to save him.

I wanted to say that that was wrong, that it wasn’t the case, but I couldn’t.

In the end, Laulos cared enough for Hikigaya Hachiman to do anything and everything, but he couldn’t do the same.

I was going to leave. I couldn’t afford to do the same. I wasn’t going to be in their lives forever. If I saved Laulos, went on some heroic quest to bring her back, what kind of person would I be if I just left? I had a family waiting for me, people who didn’t know where I went and who cared for me, and I couldn’t turn away the chance of seeing them again. The words burned into my mind, always flickering in the edge of my vision, always reminded me that I could return once I reached the end. Why should I make friends when I’ll just disappear? Why should I look for something that I wanted when I’d just leave it behind? Why should I try to bring someone back from the dead when we’d never see each other again anyway?

Because, in the end, nothing could be that perfect.

There was never going to be a time where I could do anything without regret. Hadn’t I learned that already before Orario? With Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Iroha? Nothing is perfect. No one and no situation can ever just be right, but that didn’t mean that anyone could just choose to avoid everyone and everything. You could be the nicest girl, but your own kindness could hurt you and everyone. You could be the smartest and  most talented person, but that didn’t mean you could make friends. You could try and appear to be the ideal normal person, but that didn’t mean you’d be accepted. You could do your best to avoid everyone so you wouldn’t get hurt, but you’ll still yearn and want for a real connection.

It hurt to think about them. It seemed incredibly selfish, but I couldn’t deny that it hurt more to think about my time spent after school with people I barely knew for more than a year than my own family. Maybe it was because they could leave, that they could forget, and move on. My family, I was sure that I could be with them again, but not them. Would they even recognize me? Would they accept my words or think I was just crazy? I hated thinking about them, but I knew better than to avoid thinking about them now. By not thinking about them, I was avoiding what I’d learned… what could help me now.

If one of them was in the grave before me now, if it was Orimoto, wouldn’t I have accepted Fels’ offer without hesitation? I’d known Laulos for just as long as them, taught her, and listened to her about all her worries. I’d helped her, seen her grow, and respected her even when she stood against me. She cared enough to stop me from trying to get hurt, even if it meant making me hate her.

Was the fact that I would leave a good enough excuse?

Was it enough of a reason to not try to bring her back?

Apparently, it was. I had decided that it was. My body had acted in accordance with my own thoughts. There was no one else who made the ideas in my head. I couldn’t deny that all my Skills did was make me act the way I wanted to without consideration of anything. That was a fact. Something I tried to ignore. That was the plain and honest truth. I wanted to run away from reality, to do nothing, so I had done so. I’d wanted to run away, but still progress, and so I had.

I didn’t want to leave another person behind, especially when they were already conveniently dead without me doing anything, so I destroyed the grimoire.

It was wrong. It was a lie. It was easy.

I didn’t deserve to be in front of Laulos’s grave.

Yet, here I was unable to leave.

…

Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.2)

…

“You caused a scare when no one could find you this morning, Hikigaya.” Orimoto had a habit of showing up when she was needed. That was how she’d been in elementary school. She volunteered to talk, to clean, and do just about everything. I should’ve known that she hadn’t changed much from when I sat across her while working for the Student Council. I was the one who watched people like her go on with life and watched their backs get ever-smaller. “Don’t you know it’s bad manners to leave your host’s house without saying goodbye?”

“…I didn’t want to wake anyone up.” I tried to put some of  my usual tone in my voice, but I felt too tired. Visiting graves and introspection weren’t things I considered to be tiring activities, however I knew better now. Both were exhausting. I forced myself to look towards my fellow castaway and give her a greeting. “It’s early, Orimoto.”

“It’s only early if you slept, Hikigaya.” Orimoto tried to giggle and smile, but she wasn’t able to manage it. She was focused on a mission. Her Skill let her focus on one path and make it into reality through zeal and single-mindedness. I had an idea of what her current goal was now. It was probably along the lines of “make Hikigaya normal again.” A simple and decent plan that was doomed to fail. I’m sorry, Orimoto, but you should really consider less impossible goals than that. Dropping the “again” clause will help you out a lot. She looked me over and lost her smile very quickly. “Are you alright, Hikigaya? Did the Amulet work?”

“It did.” It definitely worked. Never before did I feel the weight of every thought I had instead of just my most persistent ones. 250 million Valis spent so I could know that I was fine with people dying to make my life easier. Best money I’d ever spent in my entire life. Would buy again. Would definitely recommend to all my friends and family. All the prolonged introspection a person could ever want right at the start of their day. Some existential dread too, but that really depended on your life circumstances. You’d have a lot of that if you were sent to another world filled with gods by something more powerful than them. Side-effects are lack of caring for everything besides sarcasm and a habit of training child soldiers for your own goals. “Better than I thought it would.”

“…It doesn’t look like that from here, Hikigaya.” Orimoto wasn’t pleased with my answers. My former classmate made that clear by stepping in front of the grave. Huh, I had been looking at it again. She pressed a finger against my chest. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Look at you. You’re barely dressed and you don’t look like you’ve eaten in days.” I didn’t remember the last time I ate either. Nourish tended to take care of a lot of issues. I wouldn’t put it past myself to save Valis or time by using Nourish instead. At the very least, I was sure that I bathed regularly.  “You look terrible.”

“…” What could I say? Orimoto had spent an enormous amount of time and effort to bring me back from the brink. Yet, my former classmate found herself haranguing me instead of resting. Obviously, she didn’t consider whatever goal she had in mind finished. I hoped it wasn’t something tied to me. Orimoto, you really need to be more considerate of your future. Don’t waste time. She met my gaze resolutely and crossed her arms. Some parts of her clothes were frayed and blackened from yesterday. “…My apologies.”

Orimoto examined me. My former classmate dissected me. She took in my posture, my words, and my actions. She referenced that with everything she knew of me. With a glance, she discerned what I felt and why I felt it.

Orimoto’s hand struck my face. I tasted blood in my mouth. She took all my attention for herself. My eyes and thoughts were only on her.

Tears were in her eyes.

“I can’t believe how selfish you are. How terrible you are.” Orimoto’s words were what I expected. Yes. Those are the words I deserved to hear. It was good that she knew. No matter how much the words hurt, they were true. I could live on that. I could understand that. I could accept that— “Do you know how many friends I’ve lost? How many people I’ve seen die, Hikigaya!?” Her hand rose and struck me again just as her new words reached me. No. It wasn’t disdain and disgust I was hearing. It was anger, almost hatred, which accentuated her words.  I could only continue to stare and listen to her. “Dozens! Children, adults, elders! Lovers and husbands and wives! In Rivira, people died every day even when I took control of it!”

Orimoto grasped me by my lapel and pulled me down. My former classmate’s hands were trembling. Her eyes were dripping pools and she wasn’t looking at me. Her hands were right over my heart. It was almost as though she was trying to make sure I was breathing. Rivira, before Orimoto, had mostly been filled with Level 1s. Criminals and people with nothing to lose went there to try out a life that resembled normality. They risked their lives every day for the most meagre of supplies. She had been there. That was where she’d been “born” as an adventurer. A place where there was no safety, where tomorrow could be the day you lose someone, and where she’d lived for years. All the while, I had been in Orario biding my time waiting safely.

“You don’t think you can be happy, Hikigaya? That’s a mistake. That’s a terrible, terrible mistake.” Orimoto could barely speak, but she pushed through her memories and pain to look at and address me. I was struck by feelings I’d thought buried and never wanted to acknowledge again. I didn’t want Orimoto to feel this much sorrow. That thought was accompanied with another I didn’t want to acknowledge. I didn’t want anyone I knew to ever feel how Orimoto felt at this moment. “Being happy with others, even if we’re going to leave one day, is the only thing that’ll let you and I ever keep going.” My former classmate looked at me, struggling to speak, and I wiped away tears from her eyes with my only hand without a thought. I almost missed her last words. “You and I may never reach the end, Hikigaya.”

“We will.” The words, heedless of everything Orimoto had tried to tell me, left my mouth. They were the words of someone who couldn’t accept the possibility of not making it to the end. A core part of me believed in that fact. It took in danger with a steady gaze and determined the assets needed to progress. Regardless of my former classmate’s words, I felt that I had to correct her instead of heeding her words. That was wrong. I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn’t accept it. “Orimoto, listen—”

“No, you listen, Hikigaya Hachiman!” Orimoto pushed me away and pressed a hand against her own heart. “I want to go home too! I want to see my family, my friends, and everyone I care about as well! I want to reach the end and go back home! I’m not just giving up!” I hadn’t meant to imply she didn’t, but I guessed I must have through some way or another. My former classmate stood before me with resolve that I didn’t know if I could ever match. “But, no matter how much we’ve been changed, we’re still only human like everyone else! We can die, we can get hurt, and we might never get back home. Just like every other Adventurer in Orario.”

And, that was the problem wasn’t it? 

Just like every other Adventurer in Orario.

That was where Orimoto was completely right and where I was utterly wrong. While my former classmate thought of every person she met as a person, I didn’t. While she grieved over the people she lost, I considered them faceless and unneeded. While she had to work with others just to survive, I chose who I wanted to bring into the fold carefully and meticulously. While she’s seen dozens of those she’s cared for die and cared for each one, I’ve seen only six die and there was only one of them who I wanted to bring back.

Again, as I should have expected, Orimoto and I lived and grew up in two different worlds.

“We’re just normal people, Hikigaya. You, me, and everyone else heading into the Dungeon.” Orimoto’s plea was something I had to force myself to listen to and accept. My former classmate must have suspected how I thought of others. I’d never thought it to be a problem, but apparently it must have been if it was able to hide how I truly felt from myself. A long time ago I realized that I was treating Lyon as nothing more than a stand-in for Yukinoshita. Now, I came to conclude that I’d never truly considered anyone in Orario as a real person. If I had, then I was sure we wouldn’t be having this conversation. “We’re not heroes or anyone special. We’re only who we are and nothing more.” Orimoto took a step back. She was waiting for a response from me. I didn’t know what I could say. I didn’t even know what to think. She took my hand. “Hikigaya, don’t turn away people who care about you, just because they won’t be with you forever.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Then, Orimoto left me before Laulos’ grave without another word.

…

What happens in the end of stories? Typically, the hero goes on to live the rest of their lives peacefully and happily until the sequel comes long. They walk away into the sunset or watch it with all their friends and allies by their side. They kiss with their main love interest, showing that the romance revealed during the climax wasn’t due to the heat of the moment, and maybe show off that that they have a child while living together in the future. Some other characters are spoken about, fan favorites or important side-characters, who have their epilogues revealed for the sake of closure. Everyone lives happily and well.

Of course, there are the stories where the hero dies at the end. The stories where a hero becomes a hero by proving that he was selfless and just by sacrificing himself for everyone. The sort of story that people love to taut around as exceptional and grand. The happy ending was for everyone else. The hero’s happiness was knowing that everyone else would be happy because of his decision. The hero gives up everything and gives it all away for the people that he cared about. Everyone, because of the hero, lives happily and well.

Neither was an option for me, because I would either die trying to reach the end or get home and leave everyone behind.

Orimoto realized this fact long before I did, but instead of latching onto the latter she grasped at the former and held on with all her might. While I decided that I would prepare for success, she decided to live while knowing that she may never succeed. While I distanced myself, she did her best to connect with everyone she could. She and I couldn’t be any more different from one another.

She did her best to live without regret.

I did my best to live avoiding regret.

But, in the end, didn’t my path lead me to where I was now?

Wasn’t I before a grave, unable to do anything, after I had tried to cast everyone who cared about me away?

Didn’t I regret everything, now?

I did.

…

Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.3)

…

I want to say that I solved all my problems and that I was ready to move forward, but that wasn’t the case. I doubted that was the case for anyone.

There were many things I could blame for my current situation

My situation wasn’t what I was raised to expect or live within. I wasn’t suited for the life I now had. I had my advantages and my disadvantages, but that didn’t change the fact I was born in a world where I never expected to kill or be killed. Orario, no matter how I looked at it, wasn’t a place that I could ever settle down in.

But, in the end, that was all a waste of time.

If something was wrong, then the obvious and logical answer would be to stop doing it. Therefore, if my problems were because of how I acted and treated others, then I should change so I would no longer have those problems. Simple, direct, and effective:  everything I taught was centered around those words and I did my best to practice them myself. Since I wanted to change, I would go onto another path and that was that.  

That was easier said than done.

If everything could be settled with just a single conversation and a few thoughts, then I doubted there would be any problems in either my world or Orario’s. However, even the biggest idiot could tell you that was a pipe dream. Everyone is complicated. People hardly understand themselves, let alone other people, so misunderstandings occur and fracture even the closest of relationships. People live in fear of losing others and themselves so they assume, gossip, and become aggressive when they think it’s necessary. Even if they’re normal, people will hurt other people by complete accident. No one wanted to be wrong. No one ever wanted to believe they’re not good, kind, and normal. Just admitting a mistake could be hard. Naturally, actually changing was incredibly difficult.

Despite everything I could do, everything I’ve ever done, and my ability to approach my problems from every possible direction, all I could do was take one step at a time and hope that I was different at the end of it all.

I was fairly sure that I was going to fuck up colossally.

…

Cranel burst through the doors of the kitchen.

“Everyone, Sensei is gone—”

I nailed him in the head with the pommel of a kitchen knife.

“Sit down and shut up, brat.” I looked over the stove. When was the last time I had cooked? What was the last thing I cooked? I was pretty sure it was the last time I was training Loki’s children at my fort. I had to admit that I was doing pretty well despite the fact I hadn’t practiced cooking in a while. While my usual limits were curry and stews, breakfast was well within the scope of my abilities to make. Though cooking for almost ten people was a drag, I had the aid of the wonderful fanservice character known as Hestia. I’m sorry, Hestia. I’m really trying to stop thinking of everyone like Light Novel characters, but you’ll probably be the last person I manage to stop doing it to. Also, Yamato was present. Whatever her reason for existing was, she was a decent cook.  Wait. Damn. “Go eat. Today will be busy.”

“Hah, Sensei!?” I could just see the over-comedic background and cartoonish jaw drop. Cranel, goddammit, I’m trying to stop doing this. Do me a favor and be less anime, dammit!  I demand you be less cartoonish! I can’t treat you like a regular person if you react in such a trashy, overblown manner! Unless you want me to treat you like a Chuuni! Trust me, I don’t think you want me to treat you like that trash Zaimokuza! “You’re cooking breakfast!?”

“Your observational prowess is shit, brat.” Or did you mean that you though I couldn’t cook breakfast!? I’ll tell you right now Miso soup, rice, grilled fish, and rolled omelets are perfectly within my abilities of cooking! Especially when I’ve managed to get those markets up and running in this shitty city! I’m cooking better than the goddess of strings and hearths as well as your harem’s Nadeshiko! Since I’m such a nice person, I’m just going to assume that you’re blind, Cranel! Otherwise I’m going to demand some serious apologies by threatening to tell Wallenstein all your secrets! “If you’re done being obvious, go eat like I told you to.”

“Uhhh… okay.” Cranel’s mind turned and turned. I could hear and see the gears in the thought bubbles constructed by underpaid wage slaves dreaming to one day have others drawing out their manga’s silly moment. Unfortunately for them, due to Japan’s declining population, their customer base will die out within a few years. Go get a real job at the office or leave Japan! If you don’t want to work hard, go somewhere where you’re considered talented! Cranel finally took a seat and looked over his meal. After a few moments he looked up towards me, then Makoto, and then back to me. “Eh, Sensei, you’re from the same place where Yama-san came from?”

“I am not. You’re assuming things.” I couldn’t help it, I played along with the atmosphere. It was too difficult not to. Dammit, I’m living in an anime. You can’t expect me to not play along! I’ve watched hundreds of hours of anime! I’ve watched Precure in theatres! Dammit, I can’t do this! Ever since I’ve come into Orario,  I’ve always known what to say and when to say it! I can’t not do it, dammit! “You’re an idiot. Pay more attention, idiot.”

“You called me an idiot twice!” Cranel played the straight man without hesitation. Or was he just whining and playing up his effeminate side?  I chose to not consider the latter option for the sake of my sanity. Anyway, “Yama” laughed. Hestia laughed. I huffed. String-chan strained at the burden that she carried. Everything was going as expected. It didn’t feel as though I was acting and lying, but what was I supposed to do? Sure, I had to stop treating this world like it was all unreal, but how exactly did I do that without falling into my old routine? Sure, making breakfast was out of character for me, since I could pay someone else to do, but was I really making progress? My white-haired student levelled a finger at me imperiously. Oi, I said stop with the anime. “And, you didn’t answer my question! You and Yama look alike when you’re not wearing a mask!”

“My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, what did you expect, brat?” I huffed and shook my head. Was I being in-character as the Sensei type, or was I just expressing my disgust naturally? Where was the line between me and myself drawn? Could it be possible that I wouldn’t have insulted Cranel if I wasn’t his Sensei? I pondered the question over and over in my head. My Skill allowed me to turn it over my head while I plated the food I prepared and brought it to the favor. I considered my white-haired student carefully. Could I truly casually call this person in front of me an idiot? “Idiot. That’s three times if you’re still counting.” He groaned as I pointed out the obvious. Did he do it due to his lack of critical thinking skills or my words? Believing the former sounded like optimism, so I chose to believe the latter. What an ungrateful brat! “Now eat up. Today’s going to be busy.”

“Huh, oh yeah, you have a big business to run now—”

“Nope. I gave it away.” Nonchalance was a wonderful thing. Upon hearing the fact, everyone froze. I could hear the thought bubbles creeping up, see their crudely drawn figures, and the background turning white all around the table. Needless to say, since the main character was Cranel, everything has to be overblown and whimsical in order to be clearly understood. Wait, dammit, I was doing it again! You bastards are making this too easy! I can’t stop my addiction if it’s so readily available, dammit! “Too much of a hassle to manage.”

There was guitar riff coming to signal the impending mood change after a strike of lighting with all present declaring “Nani?!.” My little escapade for the last couple episodes was going to be turned into a punchline for the audience to savor. As expected, my screen time was just filler while the important VAs decided to take a break.

“…Oh, thank goodness that’s the case.” I blinked at the words that came from Cranel.  I couldn’t help but glance towards him as he gave a sigh of relief and started picking at his food. Other sighs of relief came forth from the table and suddenly smiles abounded. Huh? What? Did I miss something important or what? Was there some off-screen joke that I wasn’t a part of? Huh? My white-haired student must have noticed my stupefied expression. He blushed and scratched at his cheek. At any other time, you’d distract me with your cuteness, but not today. Not now. “Err, ummm, I mean… you didn’t seem as though you were happy there, so…” He fidgeted in his seat. “I-I just think it’s good that you’re not going to be doing that anymore! That’s all!”

“I believe what Bell-kun wishes to say is that he and your other students did not wish for you to continue with your company since it took much of your time.” Yamato Mikoto, speaking to me for the first time since… ever, was surprisingly concise and straight to the point. Taking a seat, she delivered her thoughts without any semblance of the demurity and meekness that I expected of her. The black-haired swordswoman began to eat her food while casting an eye towards Cranel’s sudden embarrassment. I was just a vector for her to tease Cranel. Huh. “They planned to aid you in your organization after yesterday, but they prefer not having you work from the shadows even if you’re with them.”

“W-wait, you can’t just say all of that right here and right now!” Cranel flushed the deepest red I’d ever seen him achieve. My white-haired student thrust out his hands as though trying to make the whole conversation stop completely. Naturally, his attempts failed. The conversation and the teasing continued without care for his attempts to retain his dignity. I know I remember saying that I wasn’t paying attention to how feminine Cranel could look, but it was difficult to do so while he still had long hair. I amended my plans for the day. The first thing that’s going to happen is I’m having him wear a ponytail— I mean, get a haircut. That’s what I meant to say. Yep. He needs a haircut as soon as possible. He turned towards me while pressing his finger together. Yep. “It’s not like that, Sensei. I mean, ummm, it’s better for everyone if we do things together, right? We’re stronger if we’re together. If you want to keep your business going, it’d be better if everyone was involved and not just you…”

“…” Cranel trailed off and was the picture of abashed embarrassment. However, despite his attempts to question my sanity, the silence brought me back to reality. Slowly but surely, the thoughts I had settled down and I was able to think clearly. Cranel cared about how I did things. He didn’t want to be excluded from what I did. My actions weren’t what he didn’t like. What he didn’t like was the fact I’d pushed them all away. I couldn’t deny that Cranel resolutely cared about me. “I see.” I considered other words that I could say, but only a single phrase came to mind. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind from now on, Cranel. I promise.”

I’ve broken promises to myself many times before, but I was sure that I’d never broken a promise to those who I’m willing to give them to.

A smile slowly but surely spread across Bell Cranel’s face.

Cranel certainly qualified.

“You're welcome, Sensei.” Cranel certainly qualified.

“Thanks you, Sensei.”

…

Regardless, There Are Better Things To Do. (18.4)

…

“What do you mean you sold the spell?!” Leona’s smirk was the sort no one ever wanted to see. Not only because she was a wrinkled old hag with streak of spite a mile wide, but also because whenever she smiled, I was sure a kitten or puppy died. If a puppy or cat dropped dead out of nowhere, I was sure that Totsuka would cry. An action with such a result could only be called wrong. The wrinkled old witch’s smile was the complete opposite of Totsuka’s gentle kindness. Her smirks were blights upon the world that negated miracles! “Who the hell could even power something like that besides me?”

“Did your brains go while you went mad, Hikigaya?” Leona cackled. The witch’s wide brimmed hat tilted downward and hid away her massive smirk. For a brief second, it was as though the world was not a dark, disgusting place wherein atrocities existed. Then, she raised her head with a massive cackle straight from the gut. I could hear the trumpets in the distance. The beast had arrived and sought to render all dead. Leone please stop with the evil laughter. This isn’t animated by Shaft. The worthless studio doing this will only make your close up incredibly tacky or out of the way. “Don’t you think playing around like that will get people to make sure you don’t get your hands on a spell that’ll let you heal from every wound you get?”

“…Dammit.” I may as well have admitted to being an idiot by saying it, but I couldn’t help but curse. Leona’s cackling only intensified as I stared at the piles of Valis I’d given her for my layaway purchase plan. I had to buy a school instead of finishing my purchases. Dammit, I wanted my left arm back! Why did I provide education for children instead of getting my arm back!? Stupid, moron, dummy, Hachiman! Wait, did I just insult myself with my own name or refer to myself like I was cute? Which was worse? I looked over the softly cackling witch as she continued to brew her potions. I heaved a sigh as I pushed the pile of money to her. “Alright, how much is another grimoire of the same type going to cost?”

Leona stated a number and I just about had a heart attack. Cue lack of color and thunder crashing in the distance. Wait. Dammit. Hmmm… well, I’m pretty sure one of my corporate slave parents would’ve went pale white and keeled over if they heard the price. So, technically, I was being realistic.

“That’s four times the original price you asked for!” I complained. I ran the numbers in my head. I’d been ninety percent done with payments.  I felt completely and utterly defeated for the first time of my life. The number was enough to outfit all my students with Magic Swords and Hephaestus weapons. I needed to buy new shit for the next floors too! I’d gone from having the boss at ten percent completion to finding out it had another three phases, gained invulnerability for certain times, and I had to keep up my current dps! What the shit! Capitalism is too broken! Nerf it immediately! “You’re absolutely insane!”

“Ha hah ha!  I see you’re still good with numbers, Hikigaya!” Leona cackled over her bubbling mixture. Truly there was no such thing as justice. The world moved at the whims of the strong. The strong decided that they would have power over the weak. Naturally, that meant that everything that was worthwhile was too damned expensive to acquire. Down with the aristocracy, bring out the guillotine, and long live the revolution! Write down all your names in this ledger, my brothers and sisters against wealth, so that I may be rid of you once the power and wealth are all mine to lord over! What do you mean that’s not how revolutions work!? I’m being honest and true to my will and telling you all what to do! Was I just supposed to do the last part? “Try and find another shop capable of getting it! Go ahead, brat!”

I was about to leave the shop in disgust, planning to do something productive like draw on the ground with a stick, when the door to the shop opened.

As if the day couldn’t get any worse, Alf happened to show up at the shop just like she always did. As always, the elven princess looked as though she wished the whole world would supplicate before her, lick her boots, and compliment her visage—

“Ah, Hikigaya, you’re here. Good.” Uhhh, Level 6 Adventurer-san, you’re not supposed to use your abilities like that in a mere shop like this. I am pretty sure you left an afterimage at the front door. Why exactly are you so close? Why exactly are you grasping the front of my shirt? Why exactly is your apprentice watching from the doorway and analyzing your every move?  Why did you just drop your staff and grab my lapel? Am I about to die here? As I expected, I was going to die to elves. They were going to be the death of me. “Tell me I’m beautiful.”

Hbwuah?

“Hmmm, perhaps you did not understand?” No  I didn’t. I didn’t think I wanted to either. Forget all those questions I asked. Really, please don’t answer those questions. If there is any merciful being alive listening to me right now, please answer my most earnest plea of being unknowing and ignorant. Don’t do this to me just hours after I swore to myself to treat everyone like regular people. I didn’t know today was going to go like this. I really didn’t. Please don’t do this to me. Okay, I just realized that Alf and I were the same height and that robes didn’t hide very much when there was no distance. “Hikigaya, I don’t intend to be ignored especially after the actions of that woman yesterday. I have asked you for a compliment and you shall provide one.”

“…” Oi, oi, oi, you’re sounding a lot like a certain girl who weaponized school supplies! Excuse me, but that isn’t your normal characterization! Stop. You’re supposed to be aloof and only reveal your flustered side after being teased! Not now. Where are these traits coming from exactly? Stop avoiding the subject, Hikigaya Hachiman! Be a decent man! You can clearly see what’s happening here! Don’t run away like some coward! “…You and I aren’t anything besides friends. The same goes for Ryuu and myself.” Obviously, there was something between myself and the women who I’ve taken to spending time with. Running away wasn’t an option. I had to do this now. No one deserved to be strung along. “So, there’s no reason for you to demand something like that from me, Riviera.”

I expected a slap to the face and maybe a crushed foot. Did I deserve it? Possibly. I mean, I’m not claiming to be an expert on women. Hell, I’m pretty sure I can’t make heads or tails of just about everyone. Still, I knew that somewhere along the line I’d been speaking too familiarly and frequently with Alf. While I didn’t want to be the brunt of her aggression, I wasn’t about to keep something going which I didn’t intend to pursue. Besides the fact I just didn’t want to be some idiot who clamored for affection, Alf deserved an answer after coming to help bring me back from the brink. I had some standards. They were very close to just being a decent person, nothing special like handing out food to the homeless and nothing too bad like killing everyone who posed a threat to me, but I most certainly had them.

Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared for Riviera Alf’s answer.

“Of course you and I aren’t anything more than friends, I have just begun courting you at this moment.” Hbwuah? Faintly, despite the compounding mixture of distress and confusion which was building up in my head, I heard Leona’s cackling. I began to suspect this was all planned. I became even more suspicious of the fact when Alf reached down towards her satchel, pulled out a grimoire, and pressed it into my hand. I didn’t even need to look to know it was the Spell I’d wanted to get just gifted to me. “I may be more reserved than that scandalous rogue, Hikigaya Hachiman, but rest assured that I do not intend to pursue you without my own advantages.”

I didn’t get another word in because my thoughts were interrupted in the same manner they had been yesterday. In short, Riveria Ljos Alf pressed her lips against mine. Though it was beyond improper to do so, because I neither planned on pursuing anyone nor wanted a kiss in the first place, I couldn’t help but compare the one I received yesterday and the one I was currently getting. There was a definite difference. Though Ryuu had been a blazing, insistent flame even at the first touch, there had been definite embarrassment and hesitation in her action despite her relentless methods. I’d been swept away, brought back, and constantly pulled to and fro. Riveria was an incessant, unyeilding force that claimed and took everything without hesitation. A wildfire against an avalanche. I lost to both, but in different manners entirely.

She pulled me against her with both her hands around my waist. At first it was just that. Then, without presumption or hesitation, one hand travelled up my spine with calm assuredness and rested upon the back of my head. I didn’t really have time to consider it more. My thoughts weren’t exactly in line while it was happening. Just like it had been yesterday, my thoughts were sent hopelessly and completely astray. I didn’t know what to do besides surrender. Embarrassment, incredulity, and demands to move were all simply subsumed by the barrage of sensations that the simple action did to me. The only thing I was sure of was that the distance between myself and Riviera Ljos Alf was definitely less than a millimeter. There was no relenting in her assault, just a continuous march from one step onto another until I couldn’t think straight in the slightest.

I didn’t know how long the act lasted, but when it ended I was on my back on the floor, staring at the ceiling, while Alf brushed down her lapel and smoothed back her hair. The scent of spring filled my lungs and the familiar taste of honey was on my lips. I was vaguely aware of the fact that Leona was still laughing and that I now held a grimoire worth hundreds of millions of Valis in my hands.

“That is yours. I ask for nothing in return save for your time.” Coolly and with more control than I’d ever heard her say before, Riviera spoke her lines with an edge of confidence and calm that made me twitch. My neck. Made my neck twitch. That is the correct phrase. Those are the correct words. Nine Hell finished fixing herself and her boots punctuated her words as she stalked across the wooden floor to the door. “Tomorrow, I shall meet you at the front of the Hestia Familia’s new home. Dress well, Hachiman.”

With a witch softly cackling behind me, I considered my situation, looked at the grimoire in my hands, and apologized to my wage slave progenitors. I’m sorry, my corporate slave parents, it seems like your worthless son has been engulfed by compensated dating culture as you expected me to. Surprisingly, however, it appears I am the one earning money and not the other way around. Please do not disown me, I’m pretty sure by the end of this I’ll never be able to show my face to the public as all my dignity and pride will be whittled down to nothing.

Then, just I as I was making peace with my status, as I got up I felt the slightest of breezes upon my lips.

I could only watch and stare at the door as Lefiya Viridis fled out of the shop.

Forget down to nothing.

I was hitting the negatives in terms of dignity here.

…