Dear Dairy,

Okay I’m freaking out a little right now Diary, I just sat down ready to update you on the appointment and all the not-so-helpful advice from Doc, but when I decided to read back on my last entry and follow said advice I noticed something, why did I write that I was hearing whispers? I’m not hearing whispers, I don’t remember any whispers, I remember every single detail of the dreams, more vividly than I want to, but I can’t for the life of me remember any reason I would have written that.

It doesn’t make any sense why would I do that? What does it mean if anything? Maybe I am crazy, that would really suck, if the dreams are just a taste then it doesn’t look like I’m going to be the fun kind of crazy, and more the sort that’s drooling in the corner of a padded room, yeah no that’s not for me, not the future I want thank you very much. Here’s the plan for tonight, since I don’t have work tomorrow, I’m going to stay up tonight not go to sleep at all, watch a few films, play some games just do anything to keep me awake, no sleep then no dreams simple as that.

That way when I go sleep tomorrow night I will just pass out with pretty much no energy for some fucked up dream and then maybe that will break the cycle, maybe if I can skip it I can dream about something else, maybe that cute nurse from the hospital, won’t catch me complaining about that one, though if it gets interesting I’m sorry to say I’ll have to spare the finer details from you Diary after all you are all but a week old, still too innocent for such things I’m afraid.

Anyway no point thinking about the dreams anymore, after all they are a thing of the past now, whatever I do or don’t remember was just a glitch in my brain. Time to update you on the age-old wisdom of one Dr Frank Jones, so I walked down to the hospital since I had some time to kill, no money to waste and there was no chance in hell I could have convinced my dad to drive there, so I hoofed it, to be fair it wasn’t so bad I had my headphones on the sun was almost shining and the streets were pretty quiet, definitely could have been worse, I even saw a dog, a black shaggy thing no idea what breed, that never really been my speciality but it looked cute and I really wanted to give it a good rub behind its ears, I couldn’t see its owner though so it might have been a stray, still cute though.

I eventually make it to the hospital only five minutes late, okay well maybe fifteen but who’s counting anyway, well apparently Doc was but oh well, it’s not like it was my fault I got a little bit hungry on the way, and stopped off to grab a snack and maybe a bit of meat for the stray that seemed to kind of be following me, It never got close but it was always just there, so I did what any reasonable person would do and got it a little treat, it didn’t follow me after that so maybe it was just hungry and clocked me as an easy mark or something.

That explanation actually seemed to calm Doc down a bit funny enough, which kind of surprised me as he always makes a point about manners and timekeeping, but as it turns out the theme for the session was all about seizing life and taking time out of our days to appreciate what the world has to offer, kind of a cliché if you ask me but I didn’t get a lecture so I guess there’s no reason to moan. Doc kept talking about all the good in the world the endless possibilities and the untapped potential that I have. He asked me again why I did it, he didn’t push when I said that I didn’t want to talk about it, he never pushed, that was one thing I liked about Doc, he knew where the lone was and he’s not decided to cross it so far, it’s almost enough to make me believe he truly cares about my recovery, almost but what he doesn’t know is I heard them on that day talking when they all thought I was sleeping, I heard what he truly thought, turns out Doc’s a hardcore Catholic and he has certain strong opinions on some things.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

That aside I still tried to take in what Doc says to me, so what if he doesn’t like me; he never shows it to my face, given everything that’s not so bad really. Doc asked about you, you’ll be glad to know he asked how I was getting on with the journaling, I may have forgotten to say just how much we have been talking, but I did tell him that I was trying and that I hadn’t given up on it, I asked him what exactly I was supposed to be writing in you, as it’s a bit awkward to just keep talking about the random non-sense that comes to me in the moment, but apparently that’s exactly what he wants me to do. In an ideal world he said, I would be writing in you every day multiple times a day about everything the good and the bad, any small thing that has impacted me in any way during my day-to-day life, for example the dog.

I’m not sure if I’m really up for that, so I don’t think his answer helped much as I am just going to keep doing what I’m doing if something interesting happens I’ll let you know, well I guess that’s kind of the same thing, but it’s all about the delivery, the way Doc said it was just so blah you know? Do you think I’d be able to talk Dad into letting me take in the stray? Yeah I doubt it too, how long do you think I could get away with hiding it here for? Yeah probably not long, but you never know if it’s a quiet dog it’s not like Dad ever stops by my room for a heart-to-heart, It would be a cold day in hell if that ever happened.

That’s pretty much all Doc had to talk about after all I did show up late so we didn’t get the full hour, but he seemed happy enough, didn’t give me any prescriptions for zombie drugs otherwise known as anti-depressants, which I couldn’t be more thankful for, hopefully that means that he doesn’t think I’ll be a repeat offender, which I defiantly won’t be one and done is fine by me, well undone but you know what I mean.

Wait actually that was one more thing I did mention the headaches, nothing about the dream that shall not be mentioned, but I did ask about headaches and noise bleeds if they were a known side effect, of having momentarily died, to that he didn’t have an answer for me, just that I should keep an eye on it and if they continue or worsen to tell the hospital so that they can do some check-ups on me, I was surprised that he didn’t just do some check-ups then and there grab a doctor and make sure all was good in the hood, the hood being my brain, a place I would very much like to be all good, you know? Maybe all the doctors that could have done it was busy or it is something that just have to book in advice for like to use the MRI or something like that, just a nurse shinning a light in my eyes and asking me to follow the birdie would have been better than nothing but I guess not.

Now I need to stock up on snacks and drinks to help keep me up, busy busy no time for any more talking Diary, well okay I have a lot of time, but to be honest I don’t have anything even remotely interesting to say, at least nothing I want to talk about, but If I start to struggle I’ll come back and chat a bit more, no promises though.

See you when I see you Diary.