Dear Dairy,

Miss me? It’s okay I know you did you can tell me, it will be our little secret, I know it’s been a few days since I’ve written since that first time, honestly, I didn’t think I would even bother again Doc be damned, but if I’m being honest I kind of feel like talking to someone right now and it’s not like I have an army of loyal friends banging down the door to be my confidant, I don’t think anyone even noticed that I was missing for those weeks, you’d think that would upset me right? Well, I prefer it that way so don’t waste your sympathy on me, the people in this town are narrow-minded and stuck in their ways as you could possibly get. Never allowed to stand out in good old Hartwood, I mean shit we had a “goth” visit the town to see a relative a few years back and even to this day you can still hear people talking about it and how poor Harrold can’t control his own family, let’s just ignore the fact that poor Harrold had not seen his daughter for nine years before that day, due his wife leaving with both the kids after she’d had enough of the daily abuse, which the entire town knew about because sweet poor Harrold wasn’t too concerned about being behind closed doors before making sure his wife knew better, but that is far more socially acceptable around these parts than being remotely responsible for bringing one of those “goth’s” into the world, heaven forbid.

Sorry I know I kinda just went off a bit then, It’s just shit I am so pissed off right now and I can get a bit carried away when I get all worked up, clearly right, I would be here if I didn’t. Anyway yeah, it’s been a few days since I started writing to you, well typing but whatever that’s not important right now, Do you remember how I said me and my dad don’t exactly see eye to eye much? That he hasn’t even spoken to me since I got out? Well guess what, the big day finally arrived, he chose to honour me with the pleasure of his voice, so there I was just in the kitchen minding my own business just cooking some pasta, a nice quick in-and-out sort of meal, fifteen minutes in the water drain it and off I go not to be seen for the rest of the day no big deal right?

Well, you’d be wrong because apparently, it was a big deal because it seems that I shouldn’t be eating his food that he spent his hard-earned money on when I’m probably just going to end up throwing it up again like the “ungrateful little shit” that I am. So we can both agree straight away dick move dad, it’s been over three weeks and that’s the first thing he says, really? I know he’s not a great dad, not in touch with his emotions and all that, but fuck you son almost died, In fact, did die for a moment, where’s the movie trope of seeing the error of your ways and making an effort to establish an actual relationship with your estranged son?

But no not my dad, you know that feeling when you can feel your pulse in your skull? When your hands throb, it feels like ants are crawling over every inch of your skin, as if some sadistic son of a bitch decided to hold a flame right next to your face? Yeah, that was me, shit that’s still me, if you ever become sentient Diary well then I’m sorry for just how hard I’m typing right now. I wanted to scream, to yell, to hit him make him bleed, beg, apologise but I know that’s dumb, isn’t it? I mean if I’d have done it I wouldn’t end up on a long vacation at the hospital id done, I could kiss any sense of freedom good by at that point, no coming back from that one, even in this messed up town, fathers could beat their trouble making sons all they want, just tough love right? Good for the soul, he must have deserved it. But the other way around well that was where we drew the line, disrespectful, troubled, disturbed, rotten apple, criminal there’s no what if, there’s no excuses in defence.

A guy I used to know did just that and finally stood up to his piece of shit uncle, his mum and dad had passed in a car crash with a drunk driver, and the uncle decided to take him and his little sister in for the benefits. The right thing for the wrong reason some might say, well that would have been fine so what who has a perfect home life, we are all screwed up one way or another, but the uncle was a real piece of work, felt like the world owed him, his now dead brother was the golden child got everything inherited the family business had a loving wife and two perfect kids, while he got nothing, the idea that it might be due to the fact he was the town drunk had nothing to do with how crap his life had turned out, no it was his brother's fault for setting the bar to high, how could he ever live up to the golden child? Maybe now that he passed the uncle would see the error of his ways, if that’s what you think Diary then clearly you’re not paying attention, I’ve already said that to you once today, you really think the result was any different this time around?

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

The uncle with his scapegoat for all of his poor life choices gone, he decided to find a new one, his brother's kids, those leeches how could he work with those lousy brats to look after, how was he going to get a girl with them around who would want to put up with them? The reason he never had any money wasn’t due to his drinking problem, no it was due to having two more hungry mouths to feed which were too last to go out and get a damn job and do something useful for once, I truly hope the hypocrisy is not lost on you Diary, so one this guy I knew, not really a friend or anything but someone I knew of id seen him around school and town, he started to show up to school bruised limping, or just not at all, this guy was pretty popular and well-liked I guess, always seemed to have friends around him, but one loner to another I could see something had changed no matter the people around him I never once saw him happy not since the beatings started.

I heard people talking about it every so often in hushed voices but nothing was ever done, of course not, people don’t want to get involved in ugly things like that, they will give sympathy all day long, but never help, that’s too expensive for most to give, getting involved just invites more trouble for everyone involved. I know I’m rambling I did warn you about this, but I’ll get to the point, there was this party everyone from our year was invited, sure that still wasn’t a huge amount of people it was never going to be like the parties you see on movies with hundreds of people in what might as well be a mansion, but it was a big enough of a deal that this guy let his useless “friends” talk him into going, it was just one night right, what’s the worst that could happen?

Well, he found out the next day, because he overheard some of the younger girls talking about how Kim his sister had bruises all over her back, arms and legs, hearing this he did what any big brother would do, or at least you’d like to think they would all do this, he looked for Kim and he found her, sitting alone in the school library, he asked her about the bruises, he screamed at her shook her, cried at this point he’d made enough of a scene practically the whole school was there watching, whispering, eventually Kim broke down crying saying that it was her turn, that she was done watching him take it all, that she was bug now old enough now, that she can help out, it doesn’t just have to be him now, even I was watching at this point and I’d never forget that moment, the moment I saw someone die, not in the literal sense but in the sense that he had no will to live anymore he wasn’t mad, wasn’t angry, he was silent.

When he got up and started to walk away, Kim called out to him asking what he was doing and where he was going, he just mumbled something about fixing it. So when he went to that party he left Kim home with their uncle, because what’s the worst that could happen? Turns out he was taking the beating for the both of them that the uncle never touched Kim because by the time he was done with Ed, he had already tired himself out, only Ed wasn’t there this time, when the uncle showed up drunk, and the uncle did what he does he beat her, Kim had curled up and in an attempt to protect herself and he beat her until he didn’t want to anymore. You're probably wondering how I know all these details after all a bit of tough love no big deal, well the reason I and the rest of the town knows all this is because of what Ed did to “fix it” he went to the bar he knew his uncle would be at and he didn’t lose his shit, he didn’t snap or fight, what Ed did was pick up a pool cue and beat his uncle with it starting from the head down, Ed didn’t say anything during any of this, he seemed as calm as if he was swatting a fly, with his uncle at his feet bleeding and whimpering, Ed didn’t stop, Ed didn’t stop until he had broken both his uncles legs and arms, until bones could only be described a paste, until he knew absolutely knew that his uncle wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone again, Only then did Ed stop, he knelt in the blood and leaned into his uncle and said, “you won’t touch her again”.

Ed was arrested and still has been let out, the only reason he was able to go that far was because no one liked the uncle just as they didn’t step in for the kids, they would step in for him either, apathy swings both ways I guess.

Long story short, I don’t want to be Ed's new roommate so I’ve got to keep any feelings locked down tight enough that they will never see the light of day even if it means I constantly feel like I’m drowning, because what’s the alternative? Well the other alternative I’ve tried that one already, and it didn’t stick. Thanks Diary this has actually helped me calm down a little, thinking about Ed just goes to show that things could be worse, it’s not like my dad’s ever actually hit me, he’s shoved me a few times and threatened a bunch but he’s never been brave or dumb enough to take that final plunge, I don’t actually know what would happen if he ever did, but I can say I was impressed when I found out that Ed managed to stop, I’m not sure I would have in his place.

Thanks, Diary.