March 22nd, 2014

The Key Arena is packed. The show has been sold out since the moment tickets have been on sale. I’m not sure if I believe Freyja's story of how she got the tickets but it doesn’t matter. The tickets she got are front and center in the VIP section. Hell, they’re tickets for a meet and greet. I don’t think those even exist, but when we showed them to the staff we were led right here and were told what to do after the show. So Freyja wasn’t lying after all. There are only seven other people in our section. Two of them I assume are the people who got the tickets from Freyja’s parents. The other three are this woman who I can’t help to stare at because she’s so pretty, and two little kids; a boy and a girl who I assume are her kids.

Freyja dresses like a normal girl again. She has been for a couple of weeks now and isn’t showing signs of stopping. She acts as the fifth member of our group. It honestly feels like she’s broken out of her shell although I know there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Which is why we’re here. This show is one of a kind and I don’t know what to expect. The only footage of these concerts is always from cell phones so the quality is never good. There is a general idea of how the concert goes. People say it’s always a mix of orchestra and pop songs but it changes from concert to concert.

We don’t have to wait long. The curtain rises and there’s an orchestra. The stadium behind us hushes in silence as we await the start. The first thing that happens is the violin players start with the big violin players joining a bit better. Freyja tells me they’re cellos. I don’t know musical instruments besides my guitar so I wouldn’t know. Then a single piano joins and I’m left wondering where Emmah is supposed to come in. Luckily, I don’t have to wait long because a beautiful angel comes out with a violin in hand. She wears this iconic white dress that she always does in concerts. It’s stunning. Emmah looks at the crowd for a good five seconds and smiles. The second her bow touches her strings, everything changes.

I’ve heard rumors of it. It’s why everyone is so obsessed with her music. People say that the way Emmah structures music is decades ahead of her time. They say that she writes music differently than what music theory says is correct. They say that hearing her live is a completely different experience. They were right.

I wish I could find the words to describe it. At most I can say it’s like I’m traveling through time. This time travel is far different than I expect. It’s not a time travel of the past events but of emotions. I can feel everything from her past, everything she feels right now, and everything she feels in the future. No, I’m experiencing it all time and it’s heartbreaking. It’s the worst pain I have ever felt and the most love I have ever felt. It’s harmonic, graceful, and enlightening. It’s simply everything I could have never been prepared for and being up this close is like I’m getting hit by its full force.

It stays like this for every song she plays. It doesn’t matter if she’s just playing the violin or the piano or is singing, it’s all the same. Everything about this performance is magic. It shouldn’t be real, but it is.

It reminds me of the day I met Marina, the day when I was saved.

Emmah doesn’t take a break and it starts to show. I think an hour passes, maybe two but I can see her sweat. Maybe nobody else can because they’re so far away, but I can. She’s tired and once this song ends she finally takes a break. She takes a minute to catch her breath. “This is the final song for tonight, I hope you enjoy it,” she says.

Emmah starts to sing making the last song a ballad. Then it’s over as if time didn’t exist in the first place. She thanks the audience and excuses herself. The mother and her kids immediately leave and Freyja and I stay here as we were instructed. A staff member soon comes and gets the four of us backstage. We stand in the open area wondering what we’re supposed to do. I’m nervous and I’m sure Freyja is too. I get to meet Emmah and I don’t think I could ever live to something greater.

We’re told we get to meet her two at a time. The two people that got the tickets by donation go first. Watching them being led somewhere gets me terrified to the point where I can’t move. “I don’t think I can do this,” I tell Freyja,

“How come?”

“This doesn’t feel real. Like. How many in the world have ever met her?”

“You’ll be okay. She’s just a person.” Freyja is smiling at me. She is calm and more confident than I am right now. How is she not freaking out?

“I know, I know but it’s like she isn’t.”

Five minutes later, the staff lady comes to get us. We’re led to a door with Emmah’s name on it. She says, “Please be respectful and no photography, please,” before opening the door.

Emmah Melody Ryan is sitting in a chair writing something in a notebook on her lap. She looks up and her light ocean-blue eyes connect with mine and I feel as if I’ve fallen in love. She’s just ten feet away from me now and I’m stunned. “Hi, there!” She smiles. Her voice is angelic, just like how she sings. Emmah stands up to greet us and it’s only then that I realize that Freyja is just as stunned as I am. “The tickets I gave to the lovely couple in the church gave them away, consider yourselves very lucky,” she giggle, extending her hand towards Freyja.

“Those were my parents,” Freyja said weakly. She quickly shakes her head to get herself out of her trance. “Hi! I’m Freyja Elledge. My parents gave away their tickets and gave me the other two. This is my best friend, Sara.”

She called me her best friend.

Emmah looks at me again and I’m made into melting butter. “It’s nice to meet you both! I’m Emmah Melody Ryan, but you probably already knew that” she laughs awkwardly and then shakes my hand. Honestly, that laugh itself makes me weak let alone that I touched her hand just now. I must be dreaming. “Did you enjoy the show?”

“Yes! It was wonderful,” Freyja answers again.

“Come, have a seat,” Emmah leads us to four extra chairs where Freyja and I sit and Emmah takes hers again. “Your parents told me about you Freyja, it’s good to see a face with the description. Your parents undersold you, you’re very pretty.”

Freyja blushes like no other. I wouldn’t blame her. “Oh, uh, thank you.”

“Sara, was it? I can feel that you’re very nervous right now. It’s okay, I’m human just like you. You don’t have to be stunned.”

“Uh, oh, uh,” I’m stumbling over words, not a good impression. “Okay.”

Emmah takes hold of her notebook again and puts it on her lap. “It’s always very nice to meet my fans. I do not do it often because I have a terrible fear of talking to people I don’t know. I can only do it in small doses.”

I wonder if that’s why she stays away from the public eye.

“It’s just that, uh, it’s amazing that you’re here. You’re so talented,” Freyja gushes.

“Thank you,” Emmah giggles again. “I guess your parents were wrong about you.”

“Hmm?”

“They said you were very reserved and closed off because of your friend’s death. I am very sorry to hear that, but you seem to be doing fine,” Emmah says in a way that makes me believe she knows everything that Freyja has been through. “I see you still have a lot to deal with still, but I believe you can persevere through it.

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“Oh, uh, thank you?”

Emmah turns to me and observes me more than she did with Freyja. I catch her frowning for a second before returning to her warm smile. I can’t help to stare at her gorgeous white dress. Emmah isn’t blonde but if she was I swear this was the woman in white Elizabeth was talking about. She would be lady death. “I’m sorry, I’m stepping out of line. I dearly and sincerely apologize, it's just how my mind works.” I’ve been told genius minds operate differently.

“Oh no, you haven’t,” I say. “We’re just excited.”

Emmah closes her eyes and gives us an even bigger smile. This woman is all smiles and all charm. I’m incredibly jealous of her husband. “Sara, you’re wonderful. I could tell from the moment I saw you. You have this deep sadness that will never go away within you but you will always manage to be happy.”

Now that’s an odd thing to say. If it was anyone else I would call them out for it, but this is Emmah. Her music doesn’t make sense, why would her speech and manners be any different? Though I believe Emmah meant that. “Oh, uh…”

“Freyja and Sara. You two are wonderful people, I’m glad I got to meet you two today. Please don’t let the world divide the two of you,” It’s like she speaks in another language. It’s as if she can see through and inside us. Emmah is just like the enigma the rumors say she is. “Would you like anything signed? I do request that my signatures are not be sold, but I’m not your mother. It’s rather as respect.”

“Why don’t you like it to be sold?” Freyja asks as she pulls a small notebook out of her purse. It looks more like a diary than anything. I didn’t even think about getting anything signed.

“Because I’m a very private person,” Emmah says signing the cover of the notebook. “I don’t like being in the spotlight.”

That’s contradictory, she just held a concert for well over ten thousand people. “But your tours?” I ask.

Emmah giggles, “Playing music is different. I get lost in it so I don’t see anyone so it’s easy for me. But if you put me in a room full of people who are there for just you, ugh, I freeze up. Sara, do you have anything for me to sign?”

Shit. I don’t. “I forgot.”

Emmah gets up from her seat and heads over to the open closet where she digs through the pocket of one of the coats. I can’t see what it is until she hands it over to me. “Here, a gift.” It’s a necklace with an emblem of a woman with her head arched back to look up and two wings. An angel rising towards heaven. She also gives me a photograph that she signs back for me. Emmah gives another of the same necklace to Freyja. “Thank you so much you didn’t need to.”

“I normally don’t, but I’m compelled to.”

I look at the photograph. It’s one of a woman with her back facing the camera. She’s standing on top of the cliff where she’s but a dor compared to the entire landscape. “This is wonderful.”

“Thank you. Sadly, they only give me five minutes for these types of things so this is goodbye,” she sighs. The staff lady comes back in and tells us that time is up. No one was counting time and it’s really making me question if Emmah is a witch or something. “It was really nice meeting you both, Freyja Elledge and Sara Mera. Please continue to live healthy lives.

“It was so nice meeting you. Thank you for the opportunity,” I say. I chose to ignore that she knows my last name when nobody told her what it was.

“And thank you so much for the gift!” Freyja turns back to see her one more time. I do the same as the door is being shut. Emmah is waving us goodbye.

That was, weird.

She talked way too fast.

Emmah was nervous too.

We sit on top of Darkwood Hill. It’s after midnight and it’s freezing but that doesn’t matter. Freyja is gushing over everything that happened tonight. It’s the first time she’s been like this. She’s completely flabbergasted that we got to experience all that. Yet she’s not the only one. I’m completely high on the pure excitement of everything that transpired. I have the necklace wrapped around my wrist with the emblem on my palm. It’s worth a shit ton of money probably. If not then her crazy fan will go nuts for it on eBay, but I don’t think I’ll ever give it away. It’ll hold more meaning in my hands than money ever will.

Fey gets up from her sit and jumps in excitement. “I really can’t believe we met her!” She says for the hundredth time. “Thanks for coming!”

“No, thank you for inviting me! It’s dream come true.”

Fey looks at me and smiles. The phantom echoes of the concert still play back in my mind. Even as phantoms, they give me the same emotions as I had experienced an hour before. This time I’m looking at Freyja and all I feel is darkness. It’s empty as it’s not sadness or sorrow, just apathy. When she looks at me I feel a flicker of light. It’s really small, but it’s there. I want something more for her because she does not deserve this emptiness. I close my eyes, but Freyja still stands in that darkness. The light slowly grows bigger and I see she’s standing in a bed of flowers and they are all blue flowers, specifically daisies. It’s not a coincidence that this keeps popping up. I feel I’m holding a cigarette and that’s when I open my eyes. “Are you okay?” She asks. Freyja is close probably because I’ve been frozen for a while now.

For no reason, I start to laugh. I think I’m going mad. Normal people don’t see and feel these things. I should probably mention this to Dr. Fonseca when I see her in a few days. Freyja understandably gets creeped out and backs off. She trips on a rock she didn’t see and falls backward. I jump out of my seat to check if she’s okay but she’s just staring at the sky. “Can I say something real quick?”

“Yeah, but are you okay?”

Freyja nods, “I don’t think I have depression like you think I have. I’m not miserable just-”

“Empty,” I finish for her.

She nods again, “Sara?”

“Hmm? You’re my best friend, and it’s okay that I’m not yours but I just wanted to let you know.”

I giggle and sit next to her. Up above in the sky are the few stars we can see and some clouds. “I’m glad you let me in. You’re a great person and far more interesting than I first thought.”

“How so?”

“You’re this real little Christian girl who doesn’t like to sin but goes ahead and drinks all the time. I never asked because I didn’t want to be a bitch.”

“Oh, that? If you’re curious you’re curious. Some sins are unforgivable, getting drunk because I can’t stand being sober is not one of them. At least not in my branch of the church.”

“Religion is weird. I’m glad you aren’t trying to convert me or some shit.”

Freyja laughs. “I don’t think we’re assholes.”

“So is your faith in God back?”

The girl gets oddly quiet for a moment. “I don’t know. I lived months without him and learned a lot about the injustice in this world. I’m conflicted.”

“I get that.”

Freyja sits herself up and pokes my shoulder. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Two years ago, you would get all sorts of fucked up at parties. You were like, addicted to cocaine. What happened? Do you not like it anymore?”

I look at the stars again. I fucking miss cocaine. “Virginia helped me quit. It was the worst month of my life, but once I got over it other things became easier. I don’t even smoke weed anymore.”

“Why did you run away?”

This conversation is going along the lines of last month’s. Like last time, I don’t want to tell her because it hurts just thinking about it. I’m pretty sure my father is the reason why I’m gay although deep down I know it's genetic. But the energy of tonight, the bond we grew over the last two months, and the trust she has in me make me trust her. “I ran away because…” I pause and close my eyes and only picture my father. “I wasn’t happy with my life. I was the fucking mess going nowhere and I knew I was going be miserable all my life.”

“Was it that bad?”

I shake my head. “But I ran away because my father would beat me and then rape me. He raped me and now he’s in prison for the rest of his life.”

I don’t need to look at Fey to know that she’s incredibly regretful that she even asked. It was a lot easier telling her than I thought. The last time I told anyone was the day of the arrest and it was to all my friends. That was also the day when everything went to shit for all of our friendships. It’s almost been a year now.

Freyja takes hold of my hand and tightens her grip. It’s not for me, but for her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know things were that hard for you.”

“It’s okay, Fey.”

“I shouldn’t have been nosey.”

“I told you because I can trust you.”

Fey lets go of her grip but still holds my hand gently. I look over at her and she’s staring at her feet. If she flipped over my hand, she could probably see the faint scars on my wrists. “I’m really glad you’re still here, Sara.” I let go of her hand and wrap my arms around her. It takes her a second to hug back. “You’re much stronger than I could ever be.”

“You’re stronger than you know. You just need people to help you see that.” I feel her pull back but I take a second longer to embrace her. When I let go, we see a flash of lightning off in the distance and that’s our signal to go home before it starts to rain. Before that, I take a second to examine Freyja’s face one more time.

I really want to kiss her.

Freyja smiles and gets up. I watch her stretch and then extend her hand out to me. I take it.