January 27th, 2014
Freyja Elledge is walking home alone after school. She likes to walk with her head down and doesn’t look anywhere around her. This is how she normally walks. She lacks any confidence just like how I used to. Freyja is broken just like how I was. I don’t know if I can fix her. I don’t know if I can fix myself. I don’t know a lot of things but at least I could try at the end of the day.
I catch up to her by jogging next to her. Her house from what I remember is not too far from my own so it wouldn’t cause a huge delay. It’s been a few days since I talked to her so I’m curious to see how she reacts. Freyja lifts her head up to meet my eyes and then back down. “Hi,” she says weakly.
“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m fine.”
Small talk. It’s a start after how she ran away from me back in the woods on Friday. I think she’s opening up though. Whenever we catch eyes in class she tries her hardest to smile. They’re often small, but they’re there. “Do you always go home after school?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to come to the diner? It’ll be a refreshing change of pace.”
“No thank you. Amanda will be there.”
“Oh okay. Then let's go somewhere else? Any ideas?”
Freyja stops walking and looks at me. She’s examining me again just like last time before she started to cry. “I don't know.” I don’t blame her. Darkwood is a pretty boring town that doesn't have many places to go. There are a few fast-food restaurants we could go to but no one really hangs out there to hang out. Darkwood is just like a movie town where everyone goes to one or two places. This is awkward though, I hoped she would say yes. “What about the hill on top of Darkwood?”
“Okay!”
The hill on top of the town used to be one of my favorite places to go. It’s a cliche because it’s a lot of people’s favorite but that didn’t turn me away from it. The best time to come here was with friends and get drunk so we could talk about whatever. This is how summers and school breaks would go. I still come here from time to time but it's never the same. It now holds the same somber tone that the rest of the town gives.
There is no small talk.
Once we get on top of the hill, Freyja sits dead in the middle where she can see the northwestern side of the town, past the forest and Seattle far, far in the distance. I stand right next to her because I really don't have a clue about what to do. Freyja sighs, “Do you pity me?”
“What? No.”
“Then you feel sorry for me.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of days, of why you care about me. It doesn’t make any sense. All I want is to be left alone and you keep bugging me like you’re afraid I’ll kill myself.”
There are times when I feel like people know what I’m thinking. She’s right. I am afraid she’ll do that. I’ll be responsible if she does because I did nothing and I wouldn't be able to live with that. I wonder if that’s selfish. If it is, It’s good selfishness. “I told you before. I can help you get better.”
“I don’t need to ‘get’ better. I’m comfortable where I am.”
“I don’t think you are.”
“You don’t know me, Sara.”
I don’t know what to say again. I feel like anything I say she will counter with something. She really doesn't want me as a friend yet she allowed me to follow her here. “I feel like you want me too, Freyja.” I finally take my seat next to her.
Freyja turns her head to me and makes a sad attempt at a smile. “Maybe,” she turns to the view again. “I do feel alone sometimes. She was my best friend, and now she’s gone. This is how I moved on from it, being alone. So I’m not lying when I say I’m fine like this.”
“It’s not good to close yourself to others. It doesn’t allow you to be open with yourself.”
“I’m fine like this Sara,” she pauses. “Sometimes. Most of the time my heart aches. I’ve been living like this for so long that when it’s not, I miss it. It’s more comforting to be in pain than to not feel.” Freyja sighs and I notice her clench the grass wrapped around her fingers.
“It feels like there is a void and you can’t explain it. There’s always a shadow around you and it weighs you down.”
Freyja rips the grass from the ground. “Yes. It’s harder to not feel than it is to be human.”
“And it gets unbearable at times because you forget how it was to be okay. Don’t think I don’t understand, Freyja, because I do.”
“I remember the smile. The way she laughed. The way she looked. I remember her words and I remember the way she cared. Now she’s gone. Now I’m sad. I’m a mess. I’ve turned away God and all I want to do is get high.”
I decide it’s best not to say anything. Freyja just stays quiet and looks out into the distance. I start to remember some words Elizabeth told me. She had a curiosity about death because she felt that life was meaningless. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter anymore. She got to find out and it left me wondering the same thing for a while. Freyja must feel the same way. “When was the last time you saw her?” I asked without thinking.
“At my parent’s church. She was crying. She was overwhelmed with everything. She told me everything but there was something she held back that I could sense. I managed to cheer her up and she walked me home. She told me she loved me and that I was a great girl,” Freyja looks to the sky. “I really wanted to kiss her,”
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“It sounds like you have a pretty good memory of her.”
“I did. Were you there when they found her?”
I shake my head. “I was there when Emily came back crying. Nobody really believed her at first except my brother who kicked everyone out. I was too fucked up to feel anything.”
“You’re a monster.”
“I know.”
Freyja looks at me again. “I didn’t find out until the morning when it was the only thing on Facebook. I thought it was a prank at first,” she almost laughs but stops herself. “I never had such a shit day. Worst day of my life.” Freyja breaks out in small laughter. It’s painful to hear.
“The last time I talked to her as a friend was right here. She confessed to me that she wanted to kill herself and I spun it to be about me because I thought her problems didn’t compare to mine. I think that’s why it’s my fault. I could have stopped it.”
Freyja doesn't respond.
We sit in silence once again as a light breeze starts to kick in. I think back to that night exact. I told her my darkest secret and put the weight on the tension on me. I didn’t know she was serious, is that the crime? If I knew, would I have tried to stop her?
“You’re a good person. It wasn’t your fault. I can see that.”
Again, I don’t respond. I watch her play with her fingers as if she were nervous. She’s uncomfortable and anxious. Freyja doesn’t want to be here anymore. “I’m throwing a party at my house on Friday. Do you want to come?”
“No.”
“It’s more a kickback, really.”
“No.”
I walk her home afterward and Freyja goes in without a word. By the time I get home myself, the sun has already set. Andrew and Grace are watching a movie together on the couch. Grace is almost laying on his lap with a blanket over her and a bucket of popcorn on top of her head, held by Andrew. They barely acknowledge me as I close the front door and head upstairs to my room. Andrew’s been in my room. His coat is on my bed with his phone laying on top of it. At most he thought I was home and threw his shit there before doing his things. It’s not uncommon but then his phone lights up from a text as soon as I pick it up to give it back to him. It’s from Jerrica who’s probably some girl who he’s trying to hook up with.
“Andrew, stop laying your shit in my room,” I throw him back his jacket but it lands on Grace’s face.
“Dude, my popcorn,” Andrew complains. “I took a nap there and I forgot, chill.”
“You have a room, you know?”
“Your bed is comfy,” Andrew just answers without looking away from the TV. Grace acts like I’m not even here.
“I don’t care. Sleep in your room. And you better not be bringing any girls over, you thot.”
“Fuck, you sound like Virginia.” Andrew jokes and Grace laughs. “Lighten up, I’ve been a good boy.”
“Where’s Mom?”
“At the store, she’ll be back in an hour,” Grace answers. “Where were you?”
“With a friend. What’s the movie?” I ask as I sit next to my brother. I don’t need to know the answer because after five seconds I recognize it to be The Evil Dead. It’s barely started so I haven’t missed much. It’s a good distraction and allows me not to think. This way I don't have to be by myself and feel alone.
I’m fascinated by movies, a hobby picked up because of Virginia. When she first started to take care of me, that’s all we did for the entire Summer. I want to go to school to study them. Being in drama class isn’t enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge on theatrics. There’s something so wonderful about losing myself in a visual story. It’s like a book but the direction is dictated by the vision of one person. I find them more impactful this way. I’ve been studying films for so long now, I hope I’m good enough to get into a school.
Halfway through the movie, Virginia comes back but leaves us alone to make dinner for the night. Then the movie ends in a blink and Grace is the first one to get up. “Call me when dinner’s ready,” she says.
Andrew navigates through his laptop that’s he using to project to the TV to turn on another movie. This time it’s Hellraiser. “You have a thing for horror now?”
“Nah. I’m just watching some movies this girl likes.”
“What’s her name?”
“Does it matter? Andrew says opening his phone for the first time to send a text. He’s texting the same girl I saw message him. It’s an odd thing for him to do. By now he would be in excruciating detail about how deep he or how deep he’s about to be in this girl. I let it go and go on watching the movie I’ve already seen a couple years ago.
When Virginia finishes dinner she heads straight to bed to get ready for the next day. Andrew and I eat in silence while the movie goes on. Grace comes down briefly but only to get her food and heads back upstairs. The night is uneventful as they always come but it’s comforting, it’s stable. A lot of nights are like this and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I don’t miss getting fucked up every night, but I miss the euphoria of drugs. I’m better without them but damn are they good. I’m sure Andrew misses it too, but I’m equally as sure that he does shit without Virginia finding out. Watching this movie makes me think about this. The pleasures and pain of getting fucked up. It’s almost nostalgic.
I get a text toward the end of the movie. It’s from Freyja. She says:
How are you?
I say:
I’m in thought, you?
I’m left in read.
When I go back to my bed the negative thoughts come right back in. Unable to sleep I take a shower thank I lower myself into a bath. The lights are dim and I stare only at the ceiling as the water slowly fills up the tub. I think doing this was a bad idea because all I can hear is the silence of the water and nothing else.
Sadness and depression are different things. Most people, or at least non depressed people don’t know this. Most will just label sadness the latter and leave it at that when it lasts longer than usual. I’ve heard tales that people who get anxiety really easy makes it even worse. I guess I do to in a way but it isn’t too severe.
Like now, I feel the void inside me getting wider and wider. In turn it makes my heart feel heavier and more numb. The world around me starts to lose its color and any sound that comes through is dulled out.
And I just lay there, motionless, thoughtless. The thoughts I do manage to grab onto only disappear after a few seconds. And I lay there again, motionless and without a purpose. I want the water to be absorbed by my skin so I can drown that way, painless. There’s no reason, it’s just a thought.
Really I just want all these feelings to go away so I can be happy again. I want everything to go back to normal so I don’t have to feel like this anymore. It’s wishful thinking, I know. Nothing can really go back to what it was and the only option is forward. This gives me the strength to get up and take a deep breath. I know what I’m doing in my life, I have it planned out now. I know what I’m doing with Freyja. I have to be confident in myself to be able to move forward. That’s why I do things. That’s what I’ve been told to do. That’s what has worked. I refuse to be like this and I refuse to let Freyja be this way too.
In bed I start practicing the guitar and I start to process the entire day in since the moment I woke up. Most of it is passed over as it was unimportant. I guess most of life that happens is unimportant, we only really remember the good things and the bad things.
Most important of all is remember the conversation I had with Freyja. She really opened up today. I then play back words that I glossed over at first. Did she say that she wanted to kiss Elizabeth? No, that couldn’t be right.
I stop playing the strings to think about it a little bit more.
Dummy. It was there in front of you.
Freyja was in love with Elizabeth.