August 1st, 2015

It never goes away. It never fades into the back of my mind to be always forgotten. It will always be here, it will always be a part of me. This last year has proved that. I’ve had some bad days, some good, and some terrible. I’ve had the best time of my life but that never stopped the darkness from always being there.

But that’s okay because it’s my darkness, no one else’s. It’s mine to hold and mine to explore. It’s mine to travel through and learn and grow. Even when there isn’t a light that shines the way, I’m still able to walk forward no matter how scared I get. It’s how I’m able to stand this day without breaking down.

Her skin is soft. It’s so soft that I’m often afraid to touch it because I feel like I’ll ruin it. It’s of a rose, so fragile but so gentle and a petal may fall at any moment. Just by the sheer act of touch that I’m filled with the same high from any other drug that I used to be on. It’s ecstasy, cocaine, I’m drunk and high and out of my element when I’m able to hold her.

And It’s raining down the hills again.

There is nothing more romantic than saying goodbye in rain. The light rain covers us in our own little bubble outside the rest of the world. This is where she once said goodbye. Now, this is where we must say goodbye for a while. I let go of her hands and she smiles gently. Fey’s eyes light up with bright amber and blink but keep her eyes shut for a least a second.

I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to have to say goodbye. She’s enough for me to give up on my dreams and stay in this cursed town. She insists that I shouldn’t do that we can make long-distance work. I’m going to Los Angeles and she’s heading to Denver. We want to stick together but know we would just end up resenting each other for not pursuing our passions.

It’s mutual and we haven’t cried about it. We both have things we need to focus on to grow and become better people. There’s still a lot more I can learn about myself and the idea that Freyja and I are meant to stay forever in this town is a fantasy. We’ll pursue our dreams, supporting each other each night. I know we can make it work but for now, we have this, one final day.

Which is here on top of this rainy hill this afternoon. Now I’m the girl with a tear in her eye. Fey giggles and wipes it off. We stand facing each other not saying a word. It’s just the two of us sinking in the sand of our love. Maybe there is a world where we don’t have to follow our dreams but I guess that is just a dream in my head.

Fey pulls out a cigarette. She hands it to me and says, “It’ll make you sick.”

But I’m never sick of it. “Just a spark,” I whisper and get a bit closer. “You came in so fast and shook my world.”

Freyja shakes her head. “No, no,” she giggles. “You saved me. You give me a reason to move on, even when my dad died, you still pulled me forward.”

There are no words left to describe the love that omits out of Freyja’s voice. I’ve fallen so deeply in love that I’m unable to wrap a sense of how I was able to live for so long without her in my life. Each kiss is a portal through infinity where everything has already happened. In that sense, nothing else matters and I’m alright with that.

Eventually, the rain starts to soak through our clothes and I’m tempted just to push Fey down to the ground. I’m sure she’s having the same thoughts by the look in her eyes. “It was not your words, but you’re silence,” I whisper. She listens.

From an outside perspective, this entire thing is cheesy and maybe a little cringy. It’s why Fey laughs and says, “What will you do without me?” She doesn’t mean that and only says it as a joke. I don’t let it get to me. “When you feel like you lost yourself, please don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll always pick up no matter where I’m or the time of day.

“Okay. Please don’t forget about me.”

Fey scoffs then laughs, “Like I ever will.”

“Good.”

“I guess this is goodbye,”

I nod once, frown than smile. I kiss her and whisper, “Yeah.”

“I love you, Sara.”

“I love you, Fey.”

We kiss once more. Maybe it lasts a bit too long but maybe it doesn’t matter. Or maybe I just do savor it as much as I can before I’m cut off. I’m the one who let go first and upon one final, “Goodbye.” One final look. We turn opposite ways and walk down separate paths down the hill. I’m tempted to look back but we promised each other we wouldn’t, so I don’t and her last smile is burned in my brain.

Her eyes closed, a big warm grin with heavy wet hair all over her face. A glimmer of hope and a rose towards the unknown.

As I walk down the hill my throat goes dry and becomes itchy. It’s only here now that I’m breaking down the web I was caught and there isn’t enough rain to cover up the tears starting to fall down my lips. I taste the salt and remains of Fey's lips with the salt eventually overpowering the latter.

Home is quiet. Grace is in her room being quiet. Virginia is in hers making a phone call. After a shower, I start to finish packing all the things that I neglected to do. Virginia comes in and reminds me that my flight is in three hours. Part of me hopes Fey will stop and say one last and real goodbye at the airport, but I made her promise she wouldn’t. Once I finish packing, Grace helps me load everything in the car.

Grace has grown beyond my wildest dreams. In a year, her resemblance to her mother has only become more and more similar. It’s something I liked to joke about over dinner for the past six months. She hugs goodbye even though will be saying goodbye before TSA at the airport.

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I head back to my room where I’m getting a skype call from Cody. “This really it?” He asks. He’s been visiting his brother in Boston for the past couple of days. I can see his brother in the background. He’s playing some video games on his couch. “Sucks that I won’t have you playing guitar anymore.”

“You’ll live, Cody. You didn’t even need me in the first place.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” he laughs. “I’m joking. We’ll miss you. Good luck over there and don’t become famous or anything.”

“Thanks,” I giggle. “Look after Grace, okay?”

“Sure,” he smiles.

“Byeee!” I wave and I close the call when Cody waves back.

“You’re still gonna be looking over me while you’re gone huh?” Grace laughs from behind. It sort of makes me jump. “You don’t have to worry about me, Sara.”

“I know,” I laugh. “But you’re my baby sister, it’s only natural that I worry about you.”

Grace smiles and fistbumps me, “Thanks for making me feel like a kid again,” Grace sits on my bed. “How’d the thing go with Freyja?”

“How we thought it would go. Romantic, tragic.”

“Ooh, like Shakespeare.”

“No one died, so…”

“Well, he never wrote about lesbians.”

“Pretty sure he did.”

“What, when?”

“Pretty sure it was The Winter’s Tale.”

“I never read anything Shakespeare besides Romeo & Juliet.”

That response makes me laugh. “That’s fair. I didn’t either.”

“Wait so how would you-”

“It’s called google, Grace. And it was just one article I don’t know if it’s true or not.”

“Oh.”

“Gonna miss me?”

“Little bit. What if Andrew comes back looking for you? Will you come home when he does?”

“Grace,” I giggle, “I’ll be back for breaks, don’t worry. And Andrew isn’t coming back. He’s in New York and I’m sure he’s happy. It’s what we’re all trying to do, we all want to leave this town forever.”

Grace frowns and gets up. “He’s still a jerk for doing that.”

Yeah, he is. But, Andrew sent over a letter letting us know he’s studying medicine over there and that we shouldn’t worry about him. This was nine months ago and we haven’t heard a word since. I suppose knowing he’s finally living up to his potential is enough for me not to worry about him.

“I’ll be waiting downstairs.”

“Okay,” I tell her as Grace leaves.

Virginia gives me a big hug right before I get in line at the TSA. This is the first time I ever received a hug from her so I’m not sure how to take it in. Of course, I hug back but I’m unable to find the words to say to my mother. “You take care of yourself, you hear?” She says without letting me go. “Whatever you do just make sure you’re safe and if you need anything don’t be afraid to call.”

“Okay,” I laugh.

“You’ve been so strong over the past three years, I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You’re my daughter in every right and I love you, Sara.”

I choke up. Virginia has never been this affectionate before. Goodbyes are much harder like this. “Okay,” I laugh again because I just don’t know what to say.

“Have a safe trip.”

“Thank you, I will. I love you to bits, Mom.”

She finally let's go allowing Grace to jump on me. It’s another strong hug that nearly breaks my back. “Please, please call me every day. I’ll miss you but if you ever even think of cheating on Fey, I’ll cut you, bitch,” Grace giggles.

“I’ll like to see you try!”

“Girls, please” Virginia interferes.

“Sorry, Mom,” Grace lets me go and wipes away her tear. “Stay safe, Sara. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, Gracie. Love you.”

I wave goodbye and get in line. They watch over me to make sure I get inside safely and soon enough, they disappear. My only choice after this is forward.

Part of me wants to cry. Another wants to laugh. I stay silent as I wait to board my plane. Fey texts me to make sure I got to the airport safely. I send her a selfie.

She calls me cute.

I tell her that everything will be fine.

In the middle of sending another text, I get a call. It’s an unknown number but I instinctually know who it is. I don’t waste a breath swiping on my phone to answer. “Andrew?!”

I hear his laughter. It’s just like I remember it. “A little birdy told me you were going to LA today,” his voice sounds just as I remember it. “I just called to wish you a safe trip and to study hard. I uh, I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just-”

It takes me a moment to gather my words. “Are you safe?”

“Of course!”

“Okay, that’s all I need to know. Thank you, Andy. It really means a lot that you called. I miss you. And fuck you too! You’re a jerk for leaving.”

All he does is laugh, “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I have just been trying to figure myself out.”

“I know your little secret,” I jokingly say snarky. “Out of everyone in the world, Jerrica, really?”

It takes a second for my brother to respond. “I don’t believe it either,” he snorts. “She loves me what can I say?”

“Is that why you left? Is that why you haven’t talked to us?”

“I wanted to see if I had it in me to love a woman.”

“And?”

“It’s nice. How’s Virgina, and Grace?”

“They miss you.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he sighs.

“What about Emily, have you seen her? Is she well?”

“Yeah, yeah she is. She can tolerate me now,” Andrew laughs. “She regrets cutting you off by the way. I just thought you should know. She wants to make amends but is too embarrassed to ever send the first message.”

I giggle. “I’m glad. Tell her I miss her.” There’s a pause. “Andrew?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to hang up now, I don’t want to start crying.”

My brother gives me a short but endearing laughter. “I love you too. I’ll be in touch more from now on, I promise. I’m finally whole.”

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.”

I hang up.

That was enough. I get up from my seat and stretch. I make my way to the food court where I stand next to the open glass. The rain has stopped and the clouds are parting to make room for the light’s sun. I smile as the sun ray’s get slowly closer and closer to me.

I close my eyes and Freyja’s smile shines through.

Fin.