"How you doing, kid?" After I nearly jumped out my skin, he sat down with a heavy sigh. "Sorry." I expected his apology to be accompanied by his usual chuckle, but it wasn't. Dani leaned back and propped his feet up on the rails with a soft groan. He still looked abnormally pale, and his eyes were gray and eerily still.
"I'm okay," I said. "How are you feeling?"
Dani shrugged. "Better." He shifted his weight with another groan.
"Do you want me to get you another painkiller?"
"Thank you, but no. It's not that bad."
"Are you sure?"
He nodded. "I don't like to take more than I need to. I'll be okay."
I studied him for a moment, concerned about his recovery. "Charlie said..." I hesitated, wondering if I was getting too personal. "Charlie said you have an injury that didn't heal?"
"Yeah."
"Will it be worse now? Because of last night?"
I was relieved when he shook his head. "That punch messed me up a hell of a lot more than it should have. And it will take longer to heal, but it won't be any worse once it does."
"How long have you had it?"
"Few decades."
Charlie had called it an old injury, but I had assumed he was exaggerating a little. With how fast I had seen them heal before, a few decades sounded like a very long time. I thought of the scars on Thomas’ neck. "Will it... ever heal, completely?"
"No." Dani didn't sound very upset about it. Resigned, maybe.
"How did it happen?" I wasn't sure if he'd want to answer, but I was too curious to not ask.
"A mix of bad luck and dehydration," he said simply. I considered trying to learn more, but he continued before I could. "I hear you're the reason we're all still alive."
I wasn't sure what to say to that.
"You okay?" he asked. When I didn't answer, he gently added, "You don't have to be, you know."
I sighed and admitted, "I'm not sure how I feel."
"Sounds like a good start."
"What?"
"You were just forced to kill somebody. That's... That's rough, no matter how prepared you are. And it's a hard thing to wrap your head around." Dani looked at me for a moment and then out over the water. "It might seem easier to try not to think about it, but you need to. Mull it over and let it bother you. Let it upset you. It should."
"Or else I'm just like Nathaniel, right?" I asked, remembering what he had said to Mariana. It hadn't been that long ago, but it seemed like ages.
"Exactly. Then, get over it." He reached over and rested a comforting hand on my knee. "Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon. Sit around and feel confused; be upset. Then, accept it, forgive yourself, and get over it. You need to let it sink in, but you can't let it eat you up too much. You'll make yourself sick if you can't move on."
I flashed him a small, grateful smile, and he patted my knee. Then, he heaved a sigh.
"I am sorry, Jen. This shouldn't be your anchor. Nathaniel was a complete psycho, and somebody had to stake him. But you should never have been the one to do it. I'm sorry you had to be."
"It's okay. You're right. Someone had to." I hesitated. "Right? I didn't have any other choice, did I?"
Dani shook his head. "No, you didn't. That was your only option. And death was the only thing that would have stopped him. You saw how callously he staked one of his own. Sandra was far from the first person he's killed, and I doubt many of them died quickly. He would have killed all of us. And a lot of other people." He studied me for a moment. "But, that's confusing, isn't it? You didn't just save yourself; you stopped a murderous lunatic from slaughtering countless innocent people... but you still feel bad about it."
His words rang remarkably true. That was exactly part of what bothered me, and I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, until Dani said it out loud. "Yeah..."
He nodded. "You can still feel bad that you took a life, but don't feel guilty about that particular one. I don't like to say whether or not a person deserves to die, but the world is a safer place without Nathaniel around. And that should help you feel a bit better. There are worse things you could have done..."
I couldn't believe it, but that did sort of make me feel better. "Like?" I asked. Maybe it would help to hear some of those 'things,' because I couldn't imagine what would be worse than killing someone.
"You could have killed him for revenge instead of self-defense. Or worse, you could have killed someone who was in the way of your real target. You could have had other options, like just taking him prisoner. But you killed him, because it was easier. Instead of a murderer, he could have just been an idiot who..." Dani's voice grew even softer than it had been, "who provoked you when you were having a bad day." He turned to me, eyes churning slowly. "There are worse things you could have done, Jen. Things that are harder to forgive yourself for... if you ever can. This isn't one of them."
For a few minutes the only sounds were the hum of the engines and the waves lapping against the ship. It took a while to gather the courage to ask my next question. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know.
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"Dani?"
"Hm?"
"How many vampires have you had to kill?"
"I guess... fourteen, if you count Sandra."
That was higher, a lot higher, than I had expected. "You didn't kill Sandra."
Dani shrugged. "I drove a stake through two of her hearts. She was dead whether or not Nathaniel stepped in."
I shivered. Fourteen. "Does that... include dhampirs?" I asked.
"No."
I looked at him incredulously. No wonder he had such good sounding advice. He had a lot of experience, more than I'd realized. He'd killed fourteen people, not including dhampirs. That seemed like a pretty high number of vampires to run into. It seemed like it was common. I felt another chill. "So, you lied to me."
Dani snapped his head around to look at me. He looked shocked. Maybe even hurt. "What? I've never lied to you."
"I asked you if this..." I gestured at the world in general, "Vampires and stuff. I asked if it's always this dangerous, and you said no."
"It isn't."
"You've killed fourteen vampires!" I cried. "You can't tell me they aren't common!"
Dani sighed. "They aren't." He held up a hand, stopping my protest. "We're immortal. Sooner or later, everyone runs into something. But, you don't end up trapped on a ship with a vampire. This entire voyage has been insane. If you ever encounter a vampire, or anything, you get somewhere safe, and you call MES."
"But you've run into fourteen!" Not including dhampirs or other vampires he hadn't killed.
"That's my job! Jen, you see a vampire or something, and you run. I'm the idiot who grabs a stake and goes after them. When you call MES to deal with it, I'm the one who takes the call. Vampires are not common. If I didn't work for MES, I don't think I would have staked any. Ever. Don't base your ideas about the magical world on me, or anyone in my line of work. That isn't how it'll be for you."
I couldn't believe I hadn't taken that into account before. No wonder he'd encountered so many. But, something he said stuck out. Dani hadn't just said vampire; he implied that there were other dangers. I remembered the white-haired guy. He wasn't a vampire, but he fought with them. Vampires weren't the only danger out there.
"Dani?"
"Hm?"
"Have you... Have you killed more than just vampires? And dhampirs."
Dani nodded. Then, abruptly, stood. "I think I need to take another dip before bed." He climbed, without his usual flair, over the rails. He winced and rubbed his stomach after he got over.
Somehow, I knew that if I didn't ask now, I'd never get another chance. "How many?" I blurted.
I wasn't sure if he was going to answer, but he finally whispered, "I don't know." Then, he looked at me with an unreadable expression. "Hell of a thing to lose track of, isn't it?"
Dani always seemed so friendly and easy-going. He was easy to talk to, easier to rely on. And I knew, beyond a doubt, that he'd risk his life for me. I had gotten so attached to him and started to look up to him that it was a bit of a shock to realize just how little I really knew about him.
"I uh..."
He paused just before he dove and looked back at me expectantly. I had no idea what to say. I knew I couldn't ask any of the questions tumbling around in my mind. I'd already pried deeper than he probably wanted me to. And yet, somehow, I actually felt a little better than I had before. He'd put a lot in perspective.
"Thank you. For the advice."
"Thank me by taking it."
Not sure what else to say, I got up to go into the room. My hand was on the door, when he called my name. I turned to see that he was still at the rails.
"What is it?" I asked.
"You shouldn't have had to deal with any of this."
"I know, but—"
He cut me off. "But you are. And... And you're dealing with it better than most. It's remarkable. You should be proud of yourself." He finally smiled. "For what it's worth, I am." With that, he dove off of the ship.
I showered and settled in on the couch for the night. My thoughts were still whirling, but not quite as violently as they had been before. I went to sleep. When I woke up, we got ready for class. It was weird, almost surreal, to be going about the day like a normal college student again. We split up and went back to our own rooms for the night, and then did it all again the next day. Then, we arrived in Costa Rica.
Mariana and I were on the same trip, and we spent the entire time together. It was just what I needed. We really hadn't gotten to spend a lot of time with each other, and it was a fun change. It was also nice knowing that she felt the same way I did; she hadn't been prepared to kill anyone, either. I found out that she was only in her first year as an intern and was just as out of her element as I was. By the time we got back to the ship, I felt much better. And, to my relief, everyone else seemed better, too. Dani had made a full recovery and, maybe more importantly, was acting like himself again. Thomas’ arm was better, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever seen him in such a good mood. TS and Charlie were both in high spirits, too.
Things went back to normal. As normal as being magical could be, anyway. A silly part of me had worried that maybe they wouldn't want to spend time with me, anymore. I was young and still quite ignorant about the magical world. But, I didn't need to worry. We settled into a routine after getting back from Costa Rica and enjoyed the rest of the voyage the way we should have all along. Mariana and I had breakfast together every morning. Sometimes, one of the others joined us, and all six of us met up for Latin American History. We sat together for the entire class. Charlie and I went to our class together, and then he'd join me for lunch. We'd go over what we had learned in class and study. Then, I'd have my next two classes and meet Dani out on deck for smoothies. We'd all have dinner together and spend the rest of the evenings by the pool, studying and talking.
It was weird sitting on Deck Seven. The deck and rails had been repaired while we were in Costa Rica, but I could see the new planks that had replaced what Charlie had burned and the shiny rails where Thomas had been trapped. The first time I returned, I ended up going back to my room, because it was so hard for me. But, I forced myself to go back and get used to it. I refused to let Nathaniel keep haunting me. It took a few days before I could look out over the deck and just see people lounging and laughing, not the bodies. Or the blood. Or the carnage. Then, I was able to put it behind me and just enjoy being outside, and alive.
There was one strange thought that hit me. Unbelievably, I realized one tiny benefit to the fact Nathaniel had been around; I'd seen more magic. I spent nearly as much time with the others as I had when we were all sharing a room, but none of them used their abilities very often. I knew I would never have learned as much about vampires or seen how quickly some magics healed if we hadn't been in that situation. Thomas didn't do anything that I would have considered out of the ordinary for a human. I didn't see any feats of strength or speed, or even his fangs, for the rest of the voyage. The only thing Dani did was go without food. There were days where I ate all three meals with Dani and never saw him even bother getting a plate. I had a feeling it was because of his stomach, but he assured me that he was perfectly capable of eating if he wanted to. Nonetheless, it was the only real magical thing he did. I was sure that he and Mariana both dove off of the balcony now and again, but since they could sneak away to do it from Charlie's room, I never saw it. And Mariana, of course, was human out of the water, and I never had another opportunity to go swimming with her. I didn't see TS in his wolf form again, either, and, like Thomas, he didn't do anything more than humans were capable of, even at night. Charlie was the only exception, but I never saw any more raging infernos or even smaller fires. I noticed that he sometimes snapped his fingers, which made tiny sparks, when he was deep in thought, but that was all I saw him do. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but I had to admit that I wouldn't have experienced nearly as much magic if we hadn't fought Nathaniel.