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Moonsneeze
Chapter 6 - A Contest of Moons

Chapter 6 - A Contest of Moons

The sewer had come alive with the rush of storm water. Hilgooth was buckling in every direction and John was twirling his oar, throwing it into the sewer flow as if carving a roast for his family of five.

"Everyone to port side!" he hollered out.

"Josef, I'm glad to see that you've recovered your wits," Claudius said. "It appears we're in for some turbulence."

Josef climbed to his feet, shook himself, and looked ahead. Thirty feet away the sewer tunnel split in two like a snake's tongue. Unfortunately, they were on a collision course for the central meridian.

"Port side!" screamed John again. "Or our lives are forfeit!"

Along with Claudius, Josef threw himself against the left-hand side of the vessel. They crashed next to their damp, mildewed coffin. They needed the weight to shift Hilgooth's course to the left.

Josef looked on as John paddled furiously. Claudius's gills were perpendicular from his throat, his eyes shunted open wide. Josef felt his mouth open. He was preparing to scream but hadn't yet committed. They were still headed straight for the meridian.

But Claudius screamed for him and then tried to cram Josef into the coffin. "Precautionary measures, Josef!" Claudius yelled out, but Josef resisted, batting away Claudius's assault while his eyes remain glued on their impending collision.

Josef, for a brief second, considered crawling into the coffin — it would be something, at least — but at the last moment John leapt in the air and slammed down on Hilgooth's port side. Hilgooth tottered like a seesaw. Her starboard side lifted up into the air, thanks to John's added weight, while scraping and screeching against the central meridian. Sparks and splinters flew everywhere.

And as the last splinter sprinkled into the sewer water, and Hilgooth's starboard side came crashing back down to the water, John raised his oar in the air like a general returning home after a successful campaign of warfare. "Hilgooth!"

Josef pounded his sternum and burped.

Claudius wiped his brow. "I thought you said you knew these sewers, John!"

The sewerman looked at Claudius, taken aback. "You just witnessed my knowledge on full display. A lesser ferryman would've seen you smashed to fish bits."

Josef let go of his grip on the coffin and rose to his feet. He felt almost fully revived after processing the slewslog's effects. He also felt a newfound sense of capability after shredding through a sewer's worth of imaginary gujai.

"How far?" Josef asked, turning to Claudius.

"We're in John's hands now, Josef. I've never made it this far on my scouting missions." Claudius brought out the jar of lavender cream once again. "Figured we could use a re-up."

Josef thanked him and smeared a dab under his nostrils. The smell of weasel fur and lettuce returned. Much of the previous application had worn off during their tussle with the gujai.

"John. Weaselscruff?" inquired Claudius, holding forth the lavender jar.

But John waved him off. "The sewer's already in my bones, fishman. No good keeping it out of my nose. We just passed the first fork. With the sewer water coursing as it is, I think I'll be able to get us out of these sewers and to The Crow Meadow quicker than expected."

"Moonsneeze awaits," whispered Claudius. "How are you doing, Josef? I don't like to brag, but I can't believe we've made it this far."

Despite having no prior benchmarks to gauge their progress, Josef was surprised as well. With everything that had befallen them so far (he would not recount the atrocities), he was surprised that he was breathing and that his brain matter wasn't yet decorating the sewer walls.

"I good, Claudius. I good," was all Josef could manage. What he wanted to know more about was why the air felt electric, why the hairs on his arms were raised into the sewer air. "Tell about Moonsnooze. Need to understand."

"Moonsneeze," corrected Claudius, "and now answer truthfully, Josef. Are you seeing an extreme visuals right now? Are you done conquering the gujai?"

Josef flexed. "Victory achieved. Now tell."

"Just tell him, fishman," said John as he scraped a gujai's eye from his paddle. "Josef has a good brain and excellent digestion. The slewslog went right through him."

"I'm just being cautious," explained Claudius. "Josef here tried to teleport himself just before you found us. He's very suggestible. And curious. Izzblum's Guide says to be extra careful with the curious ones because they're liable to take on too much. You need to feed them small snacks of information. Dumping it all at once, as I regrettably did earlier, leads to much unwholesomeness."

"Izzblum's Guide be damned," spat John as he kept Hilgooth pressed to the left side of the sewer water. "Martha the Plucky was a goo-drinker and she'd fomented a revolution before noon. Garus Affionus caught a blighted wind of sweetwind and founded a new settlement within the first hour of his goo-freedom! Teach him, or I'll introduce my own lesson plan!"

"We should've stayed in the coffin," Claudius said under his breath as he turned back to face Josef. "Let's have seat."

Josef complied, eager to learn what he could.

Claudius took a moment and then began. "You know those voidal devourings I was speaking of? When the new worlds get sucked in? Well Moonsneeze is one of the more stupendous results of all those conjoinings. Imagine the moon you once knew, imagine it coming into contest with all the other moons as night sets in. Stoic, squat, pale-faced moons all vibrating together and producing the most exhilarating nighttime vision you could ever imagine."

Claudius's teal hands were spread out in the air as if he was painting a canopy of night sky, flourish by flourish. Josef watched his webbed hands dance about while thinking about the moon.

The moon. He repeated the word to himself a number of times, each time feeling a greater sense of mystery and possibility accrue in his mind. He wanted to see it. He wanted to see Moonsneeze.

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Claudius could tell Josef was getting worked up. "Just let all of this pass through you, Josef. Trying to use a Moonsneeze for one's own benefit is risky business. More often than not the Moonsneeze ends up sneezing on you."

The sewer water splashed ruthlessly against Hilgooth's hull. John remained quiet, happy that Claudius was finally filling the young goo-drinker in on crucial worldly goings-on. Josef did as instructed. He let the information just pass through him, outwardly at least. He was still secretly excited.

"How long last?"

"Impossible to know," answered Claudius. "I've never seen one last longer than twelve hours. That was a doozy. Shortest I've seen an hour, which is usually a blessing, but in our case it would be a travesty. I don't know the exact time right now, but they don't usually happen this early in the day."

This is not what Josef wanted to hear. He rose and started to pace about anxiously. He'd just managed to release his internal grip on his goo-sac. Now he was being forced to grapple with the fact he might cease to live at any moment. He might only have an hour.

He sucked in air, held it, and then he released the air. He turned to Claudius. He wondered what his life would've been like if Claudius hadn't taken him away, if the Ba'ha brainsnakes had gotten to him first.

Claudius was watching Josef carefully. He could sense a question coming and was preparing himself to rebuff any further inquiries.

Josef turned to him. "Why save me, Claudius?"

Claudius made to shush him, but then he heard the question and caught himself. It wasn't what he was expecting.

"Do tell," said John, "I'd like to hear this one as well. By the way, we approach another tunnel split." He coughed, "I have Hilgooth better angled this time."

Both Claudius and Josef nevertheless instinctively gripped Hilgooth's railing. Claudius was still trying to find the right words to answer Josef. "I'm a complicated Sea Gwell," said Claudius, who, truth be told, wasn't entirely used to examining his motivations. He considered himself an action guy.

Josef sat down cross-legged from a standing position. "Waiting."

Claudius's teal skin began to purple. "Ah, well, where to start, where to start…well, there's my innate desire to carry out goodness, for one."

John spat in the sewer. "Emotional intelligence or emotionally cunning?" It appeared to Josef that John wanted to say more but he had to concentrate on keeping them pushed as close as possible to the left-side of the sewer lane. They were now passing the next tunnel split.

Claudius tried to ignore John's comment, but it had rattled him. "I'll admit that I'm highly motivated to ditch this place. I've learned what I could here. Malark, that careerist curmudgeon, knew a thing or two, especially about you goo-drinkers. But the Ba'ha Company is dreadful, downright dreadful, and I'm done occupying the place of low-paid and under-valued stooge."

Josef had the sense that Claudius was speaking the truth, but only a part of it. He was pleased that he'd been able to get his self-appointed saviour talking, but then Josef suddenly jumped — gujai, a whole troop of them, their mucus-faces smirking up just above the water, were swimming along with Hilgooth.

John was prodding them away with his oar. "Bloody mobile barnacles. This Moonsneeze has warped their brains. It appears as if they're swarming somewhere."

Josef tried to count them, but he gave up — not because he couldn't do it (he would swear that he could) but rather because looking at gujai was not how he wanted to spend the last few potential hours of his abrupt life.

But Claudius was now yanking on his rag shirt. "Get down!"

"Huh?" Josef said, confused.

"Ahoy there!" John shouted. Josef spun and looked. There was a figure standing on the sewer ledge in the distance.

Claudius pushed Josef's head below Hilgooth's railing. Josef, taking the hint, flattened himself against Hilgooth's floor. Claudius did the same.

But John merely laughed. "C'mon up. It's fine. It's only Boris." John then addressed said Boris as they approached. "Can you believe the water today, Boris?"

Josef rose up and saw that John was addressing another black-cloaked figure. The man was bald, and rotund, and holding a long, rake-like tool. It had a bucket attachment. He was busy scraping at the sewer moss along the ceiling.

Boris waved his free hand at John. "A most dreadful one, John. A Moonsneeze coming along as well, what luck. I'll pray to Mal for your safe voyage back to Gangdrup." Boris then caught sight of Josef and Claudius and almost fumbled his rake into the sewer.

John raised a lanky finger to his cracked lips. "Sewer secrets, Boris. I'm punching the Ba'ha Company in the gut tonight."

Boris shook his head. "Careful, John. Everyone's heard the announcement. This kinda thing could earn even you a depropagation," said Boris, his eyes lingering on Josef. It appeared that he was about to say something else but then seemed to think better of it. "Just know they're blocking all the tunnel exits."

"We figured as much," John said as Hilgooth drifted by Boris. "How much you scraped today, Boris?"

"Enough to get the cat going, but I've just started. Moonsneeze usually makes for a good haul." Boris then rubbed his bald pate and waved them off. "Praise Mal!" he shouted after them. "Praise Mal!"

"Praise Mal," muttered John, smiling, his blue teeth aglow.

"Can we trust him?" Claudius immediately asked John. The man hadn't seemed suspicious to Josef, but he appreciated Claudius making the inquiry.

"Boris is a good friend. A good man too, a better man than I," John said quickly. "You know as well as I, fishman, that trust in the Lush Heap is a dangerous thing. Boris walks these sewers. He's not quick. If he's going to rat us out he'll have a good workout ahead of him."

Claudius relaxed a bit, his gills retreating back to their resting position. Claudius saw the sense in John's words, but things always went to a slant during Moonsneeze. He noticed Josef was still staring at Boris's disappearing form.

"Why does he comb the moss?" Josef asked.

"I think that was a complete sentence, Josef," Claudius said, suddenly overwhelmed with pride. "I think you're very close."

"Close? Close to The Crow Meadow?"

"Yes, that, of course, but also close to having your neocortex blossom. Its a stunning achievement. You're booting up ahead of schedule, based on my understanding."

Josef smiled and nodded approvingly. Compliments felt good. But he pointed back at Boris.

"He's a Sootpilf harvester," John said, beating Claudius to the punch, but it was in fact a different punch entirely as Claudius had merely taken him as a sewer cleaner or handyman. "He uses that rake of his to scrape for Sootpilf," John said, shuddering.

"Sootpilf," said Josef, once again confused. Just saying the word made him feel like he'd licked a piece of coal.

"Black bits of sand," John said, clarifying, "just coarser than dust. But far more elusive. The fishman hasn't told you about sootpilf yet?"

"Is that really what he's doing?" said Claudius, rubbing his chin. "I didn't even know there was sootpilf in the grotto."

"It's low-grade, but still gets the juices going, or so they say," John said and shrugged as he shovelled gujai away from Hilgooth with his oar. "These damned fish are driving me loopy today."

Josef stared at the moss, but couldn't see anything resembling the description of sootpilf he'd just heard.

John saw him continuing to stare. "You can't see it, Josef lad. Trace amounts only. It's grim, tedious work and I've tried more than once to get Boris to fish with me, but he's convinced he'll find the motherload any septujinny now."

"What do with it?" Josef asked, stumbling over his words once again.

"No way," said Claudius. "This is most definitely a post-neocortex blossoming question. Sit tight, Josef, and just let the sewer sounds massage your brain."

Josef stepped forward to protest but then noticed John's teeth starting to chatter. Josef looked at him.

"John? What's matter?" asked Josef.

John didn't say anything. He simply extended a lanky finger outward, pointing down the tunnel. All around Hilgooth were hordes of gujai, following along like an honour guard. John swallowed and began to sing:

Towers of gujai, flowers of grime—

All hands prepare, all hands prepare:

A secret blizzard brings hail

To the hulls of the unaware.

Claudius whispered, "The void take us all."

"The poem that bad?" wondered Josef.

"It's the height of gujai mating season," Claudius repeated absently, his voice dull with fear. "And it's Moonsneeze."

Josef looked ahead and saw them, the towers.

John started to roar as he took a power stance. "Hilllgooooootthhhh!!"