Location: Memory Restricted - Unknown
Date: Memory Restricted - Unknown
Synaptic Reboot.. Master Copy Found.. Begin Reconstruction..
L-Line Me-Memor-r-r-ry Z1111-222KIZ-00-WHY-DO-I-LIVE!-ERROR-ERROR..
B-Begin-in-in-ning Play.. ba-ba-aa-c-ck.
Light.. And.. Darkness..
Itsuki recognized both shades flanking him on either side. To the left, or in what direction he thought was left, was a pure and gentle pinprick of white. It was too far to reach, too small to even hope to think it was there. How could it? It was getting smaller by the second.
Darkness.. Death.. The cold.. I’m dying.. Itsuki looked to the right, where a howling void threatened to pull him into a black hole. His thought drew to the corners of his mind, to places that the human consciousness receded to protect itself and to prolong his will to live. But it doesn’t matter.. Just a little longer.. And.. It will be over. Sinder will be fine. I’m sure.
At the edge of his weakening perception, in the free space of this growing abyss he found himself in, he sensed a familiar presence. Fiery, like red hot metal fresh from the forge, or like the sun beating down on a summer’s day, this person’s aura had a wild yet gently burning soul.
Blaze.. Sinder’s father. He’ll find her, he’ll find me, and he’ll save her.. Only her.
Itsuki imagined what the jolly guy would see and think when he found them. There would be whatever was left of Itsuki’s mangled and charred body, his broken limbs holding his daughter to his chest, his spilled entrails painting her face crimson, and his lifeless eyes finally slipping away into an endless and final slumber.
He’s going to hate me.. He’d scream and yell.. But.. I kept my promise.. She’s safe. Sinder is safe, the children, the ones I could find. They’re safe.
Tick, Tick, Tick. Time went by, the seconds uncounted, the minutes uncared for, and the hours became only wistful and fleeting dreams. Closing his eyes, Itsuki drifted closer to the darkness to his right. He was a loose rock in a river, floating down a rapid stream he could not resist. Any attempt to escape his fate was futile, and would only prolong the journey to his eventual end. There was no pain, only the numbing sense of lingering touch and ghostly sensations.
Then suddenly the currents reversed. What!? With a snap and a zap, Itsuki was thrown by a momentous force. His chest pulsed and he was hurled to the left by some unknown hand at work. Light enveloped his surroundings, turning this mind space into a harsh and blinding nuisance.
Why.. Why.. WHY! He didn’t want to go back. He shouldn’t go back.
Itsuki shuddered, his mind trembling, shoulders trying to tense but finding resistance. In fact, his whole body felt a resistance. He couldn’t move his arms, legs, or head. Hell, he couldn’t even move his jaw or tongue. The smell of antiseptic told him that he was most likely in a hospital, as did the apparent medical monitors that he heard beeping away beside him.
“ItsukI!” Blaze called out to him in a panic, standing up from a seat next to his bedside. He peered over him. “Kid, you’re awake? Come on, if you can hear me, blink. Do something, anything!”
Itsuki inhaled sharply. This is wrong. No, I should be dead.. I should.. Wait. Sinder! Where is she! His eyes panically darted around and he strained to move himself even a little. I have to find her. Where! Where is she!
Blaze held him down, grabbing the apparent cast around his chest and limbs. “Hold on! Hold on!” He said, beckoning for a nurse to help him. “Stay still kid, you’ve broken every bone in your body. We barely got to you in time, and when we did, the doctor’s weren’t sure if they could put you back together. But you're okay now, so calm down.”
Itsuki couldn’t abide by that. He needed to know, to find out if Sinder was all right. He curled his lips, stretching the taut bandages around his dry lips to form a gasp. He could tell his mouth was cut, burned, and blistered. Still, he managed to put the vows together. “Si.. n..d.. r.”
Blaze understood and nodded. There was relief in his voice. “She’s fine. We dug you both out of the collapsed cave and got her help in time. Her injuries weren’t as bad as your’s, and she’s recovering.” His wolfish ears slumped sadly. “I want.. To thank you.. But..” Blaze’s voice became unsettled, the hairs on his head and beard bristled. “You damn reckless kid. You almost got yourself killed.”
Itsuki had no reply, he let out a pained breath, his eyes no longer meeting with Blaze who seemed ready to deck him over the head. This was all wrong. Itsuki thought that things would’ve been better if he had died. Then at least.. At least.. At least what?
He didn’t know. Parts of him did wish to live, to see Sinder and the children grow up, yet more of him wanted the end to come sooner, to stay away so that he didn’t interfere. He was suicidal, mentally ill, not right in the head. This was him, his true self, the one ready to die for the sake of completing.. The mission.. A task.. A goal. So why do I live? Why.. There’s nothing for me here.. Not anymore.. Not after this..
The image of Sinder’s reaction when he had found her in the cave came back with startling clarity. This was his curse, to always remember. She was terrified of him, just like the kidnappers Itsuki had slaughtered. Monster, beast, abomination, freak. That was how they saw Itsuki, that was how they’d see him now, how Sinder would see him, how everyone would see him.
So why? WHY DO I LIVE!
Days went by. Ember and Blaze made a point to visit, to talk with him and try to bring him out from his depression. They spoke of how many they saved, the kids that survived, the damage to the town, how long it would take to rebuild, and other.. Normal.. Things. Things that Itsuki believed he now had no part in.
While it wasn’t noticeable to begin with, the number of visitors decreased rapidly as the days went by. The neighbors and the townsfolk were all probably putting together what had happened in the caves. They were going to figure out what Itsuki had done to the kidnappers.
“Hey, is that?” Said man in the corner of the room. “That’s him? Right?”
“Yeah, that’s him.” Replied a woman. Her expression morphed into hidden disgust. “It’s best we stay away.”
This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.
“Why? He killed them, didn't he, the kidnappers?”
The woman frowned at the man. “There’s killing, and then there is what he’s done.” She shuddered. “He shouldn’t even be alive after what’s happened to him. He shouldn’t be allowed to live. We should’ve never accepted this murderer into our town.”
Itsuki heard it all and said nothing. What was there to say? To object? To protest that he wasn’t what he was? No, there was no retort he could make. He’d long accepted who he was, this past tragedy only cemented his views on himself.
“Come on.” Blaze said, helping Itsuki down the infirmary’s hallway. “We’re almost there. Just a few more steps.”
Itsuki struggled to keep his balance. His muscles had atrophied, his bones had only just reformed, all his nerves were still recovering, and the full body cast had only recently come off with the bandages that hid the burns on his raw skin. At his request, he had asked Blaze to bring him to Sinder and the other recovering kids. Ember had been resistant to the idea, but Blaze gave him his support.
Blaze pushed a double door open as he hauled Itsuki in. On the left and right sides of the room, bed after bed had patients sleeping away. Itsuki recognized them all, the children, the ones they saved.
They’re okay. Seeing it with his own eyes took a weight from his heart, and it became lighter as he found Sinder sitting up on her bed. The faintest smile formed on his lips. Leaning away from Blaze’s support, Itsuki took slow and awkward steps towards Sinder’s bedside. She’s okay. She’s.. Okay. Thank God.
Blaze watched, his hands at his side, gripping into fists as if he was bracing.
Itsuki, sensing his unease, glanced back and wheezed, coughing as he asked. “Blaze.. What’s.. Wrong.. Why are you?”
A small terrified yelp drew Itsuki’s attention back to Sinder. He was only a couple paces from her bedside, and from this distance he could easily guess who had made the sad noise. Sinder, so small, so little, pulled the blanket to her chest, eyes trembling with tears, and a blank expression in her gaze. She was detached, distant.. traumatized.
“Sinder?” Itsuki called out to her with whatever energy he had recovered. “It’s me. It’s.”
Sinder clammed up, shuffling to the edge of the bed to get away from him. “No, no, no.” She whimpered. “Stay away.. Stay.. away.”
Itsuki hazarded one more step closer, but that broke the camel's back. Sinder fell from the bed and Itsuki rushed to catch her. When he did, and cradled her in his weakening arms, she screamed into his face. The next few minutes were a blur. Itsuki was stunned, the world around him not seeming real anymore as he was ripped away from Sinder and the room by the nurse on duty.
He could hear the sounds of children screaming as they saw him. Monster. They said, Get away! Get.. Away! Die! Die! You monster! Murderer! Killer! All of this echoed in his ears, repeating without end.
Returning to his room in the infirmary, Itsuki sat on his bed with his head in his hands as Blaze explained what had happened. The children had been saved, but at a cost. Whatever the kidnappers had done to them, it had a long lasting effect on their mental health, and it didn’t help that they watched Itsuki kill their kidnappers in front of them. They were just children, and seeing what Itsuki did brought new found terror to their lives.
Death had been wrought before them, and their mind broke at the sight of such brutality. Sinder had been the most affected. While a few others were able to recover and gain some sense of balance, a rare number became withdrawn, lifeless.. Emotionally dead.
And this is all my fault. Itsuki thought. They saw me.. The true me. They saw me do all those things. I killed, I tortured, I ripped and cut people apart in front of them. He chuckled, and it proved how inhuman he was. I’m a monster.. I don’t belong here. I can’t.. Be normal.
“Kid. This isn’t your fault.” Blaze said.
Itsuki stayed silent, then finally said, “I need to be alone”, before pulling the blanket over him. “I need to think.”
Blaze obliged with a sigh. “Don’t worry, kid. They all recover, just give it time.”
Itsuki tried to believe in Blaze’s words, but he couldn’t. Trauma wasn’t so easily fixable. It scarred, it left a mark, and this tragedy no doubt took something away from those children. Itsuki had ruined their childhoods. He ruined their future. He ruined their view of the world.
I don’t belong. I need to leave. But I need to fix this. But how?
Itsuki delved into his memories, hoping to glean any insight. He wanted to use his perfect memory to help, to do something to take away the children’s painful memories. And he wanted to forget as well. There was much he needed to forget, much he needed to bury and purge from himself.
Forget.. Yes.. I need to forget. They need to forget. Forget the pain, the memory, the trauma, the events from before and after. Replace it, block it, hide it. Can I do that?
Days went by. Itsuki only ate, drank, slept, and thought. He said nothing to his visitors, becoming like a fixture in his room. Over and over, the repetitive cycles of the day went on. Then one morning, as he was delving into his memories, the pupils of his eyes turned silver. He had found his solution.
Itsuki pulled the rucksack over his shoulder. He’d been discharged from the infirmary and his business here was done. A dropship waited for him on the edge of town and was ready to take him away. His destination was anywhere but here. Passing through the gate, he didn’t look back, if he did, he knew he might falter.
“What have you done!” Blaze called out from behind him, running across the grassy plain and stopping a few steps away. There were joyful tears in his eyes, except now he was furious. “Kid, what did you do! And where are you going!”
Itsuki dared not turn around or take one step back. He halted and tilted his head slightly over his shoulder. “I don’t belong here. I never did. I’m going back, back to what I know.”
“And do what? The war is over. You don’t need to fight anymore.”
Itsuki shook his head. “No.. it’s not. The enemy is still out there. I have to kill them.”
“Kid, please.” Blaze’s voice was tinged with a fresh sorrow. This was rare, he was never a sad sort. “Don’t. Don’t go. Come back with me. Ember made dinner and..”
“No, I won't.” Itsuki interrupted. “I have to go. You don’t need me here. The children are better off without a monster living next to them, you all are.”
“Don’t say that.” Blaze growled. “What about Sinder!” He shouted on the brink of rage and was about ready to punch Itsuki. “Just come back, please!”
“Sinder?” Itsuki spoke as if he didn’t know the name. “What about her?” His cold reply caused Blaze to startle. “I don’t know her, and she doesn’t know me.”
Blaze came closer and reached for Itsuki’s shoulder to turn him around. Itsuki grabbed his hand and shoved it away. Even with the height difference Blaze had on him, Itsuki pushed with enough force to almost topple him. Itsuki spun around as Blaze got his bearings, which was when Blaze was met with a pair of silver pupils that shined with a monstrous leer.
Blaze gulped down his involuntary and instinctual fear. His wolf ears stood on end, his tail tensing. “What did you do?” He asked softly. “What did you do to them? The kids? And to yourself? What did you do?”
“I..” Itsuki paused, letting the words come out plainly. “I made them forget. I made myself forget. I never existed in this town, I was never an Uncle to Sinder, and everything I did never happened.” He gave Blaze a sad smile. “Be happy, Blaze. Sinder will be okay now. They all will, and so will you.”
Without another word, and before Blaze could get a question in, Itsuki spun on his heels and briskly walked into the bay of the dropship. The ramp retracted as Itsuki saw the last glimpse of the town as the dropship rose to the clouds overhead.
The faces of neighbors flashed for the briefest of moments across his mind. The barriers on his own memories needed work, but he used this moment to cement his farewell. Goodbye.. Blaze. Ember. Sinder. More names faded and then disappeared from his thoughts. Numi. Bao. Vienna. Tricky. Yuzu. Name after name became vague as every moment slipped on. The relevant faces and memories sank away into a morass of obscurity. Goodbye.
Finally, when the ramp was shut and shuttered, Itsuki turned away and took his place in the silent, cold corner of the dropship. He had come full circle. Nothing had changed, nothing much.