The past, which you cannot change, is more frightening than a future which you cannot predict– Senseless
Sitting by the window sill, warm rays of the rising sun painted Asashi’s stoic face orange while he slowly sipped his strong black tea. It had rained the night before, so droplets of dew were visible on the foggy window due to the humidity. Watching how the water beads raced each other was quite mesmerizing, and Asashi found himself rooting for one in the back, watching as it slowly made its way to the bottom. Sadly, his dew drop of choice didn’t win, but watching it finally make it to the end was satisfying.
He let out a rough sigh mixed with a laugh. What was he doing? Watching dew drops race each other on the window?
He had too much time on his hands. But it wasn’t like he had anything better to do today, mostly because it was his birthday. He had no work or obligations and, quite frankly, hated it because it made him think. It forced him to dig deep into his thoughts and give them the light of day. He tried avoiding them, and working at his job usually did the trick, but on days like this, he was lost on what to do or even think.
"How old am I again?" He asked himself between a few sips of tea. Everything was a blur after twenty, but if he did some quick math, the answer would be thirty-three. He was never the type to celebrate his birthday because it reminded him that he was alive.
It was redundant, and he was aware of that himself, but the realization that he was alive scared him. Do I really have a right to be at peace? The fog slowly disappeared from the window, and he was met with the scenic orange sky.
He wasn’t sure who he was calling out to. Maybe it was God, or maybe he was trying to ask himself that question, hoping for some answer. Truthfully, he didn’t have a solution to his dilemma, so why was he still asking himself?
Maybe it was a ploy for a higher power to lead him to some answer, any answer. Perhaps it would take pity on his internal turmoil and help. But if an entity like that truly did exist, why had it never helped him?
"If you truly knew that the choices I made on the battlefield would result in my pain, why couldn’t you change that?" He clenched the handle of his cup. "What was the point? Everything that I’ve been through, it’s pointless. You turned me into a murderer, it was all for your fucking amusement, wasn’t it?!" His hand shattered the teacup, and the glass scattered over the floor. "You greedy God!"
...
No matter how much Asashi asked or yelled, no one answered back. "I see," he said, half chuckling. Relaxing his body, he flopped back into the chair, too tired to clean up his own mess. "It looks like I won’t be getting an answer."
What did he expect? An old voice to suddenly murmur in his head? Or perhaps be transported into the past to fix his mistakes?
In the end, he was in control of his own decisions. He had just sought someone to pass the blame onto. He was a pathetic excuse for a person.
At that moment, he heard two sets of footsteps approaching downstairs. The slender shape of his wife Rin came into sight, and behind her, eight-year-old Kaiyo followed. His young daughter seemed hesitant to talk to him, as if she was scared that he would start yelling. Sighing in regret, he accused himself of yelling out loud. He shouldn’t let his emotions get the best of him. This was exactly why no one could leave him with just his thoughts.
"Dear," Rin said warmly, her face sympathetic, "Kaiyo wanted to give you a birthday present." Rubbing her head, she urged her daughter to give the gift, yet she didn’t move. Kaiyo’s eyes were gleaming from the streams of orange light outside, and he could tell she was holding back tears...
Asashi gave in to a smile, his anger slowly melting away. "It's okay, Dad’s not mad anymore. He was just having a conversation with an invisible man," Asashi assured her. Tugging the shirt of her mother, Kaiyo peeked with fear and sniffled.
"A-are you sure you’re not mad?"
Asashi left his chair and, while crouched down, met her at eye level. "I’m sure…" He stroked Kaiyo’s hair, trying to comfort her. Rubbing away stray tears, Kaiyo gradually extended her small arm, revealing a small green jewelry box in hand.
Taking it, he gave her another pat on the head before sitting back on his chair with a groan. He sure was getting old; his body had begun feeling stiff recently. Even with his Sense, aging was inevitable.
Opening the small green box, Asashi was met with a silver necklace with his name engraved on a heart-shaped pendant. The silver reflected the sun’s light with a beautiful shimmer, making him speechlessly stare at it, lost in its beauty.
"H-happy birthday…" Kaiyo leaned in and wrapped her arms around him. His wife smiled, as if it were the most precious thing she’d seen in her life.
And it truly was…
Asashi’s throat felt dry as he battled to compose himself. He embraced his daughter, his face hidden in an attempt to hide his wet eyes.
No… everything wasn’t pointless, he thought to himself. It’s not about me, or what I’ve been through; it's what I choose to do for others that truly matters. I’m selfish… I always grieve the past and take pity on or hate myself for it, that I end up losing sight of what's truly important. My family…
----------------------------------------
Kaiyo could feel her heart thud in her chest. A lurid ring that never seemed to end kept replaying over and over again, making her ears feel as if they were bleeding. She couldn’t control her anxiety. She would never be as calm and collected as Sen. How could she?
How could she keep her composure when she could see—No, hear her father's footsteps as they trailed onto the stage like a stalking panther? Amidst the hundreds of people muttering quietly to themselves, she could hear him. His unmistakable suppressed coughs due to his smoking addiction and his ragged breaths while ascending the stairs.
The announcer bowed his head at the tall man. Asashi’s glowing emerald eyes blinked in appreciation with a slight nod, then turned his head to the star-struck crowd.
“Please give a round of applause for the Academy’s gold-ranked veteran!” the salt-and-pepper-haired man ordered, and the crowd reacted with claps and cheers that almost felt forced to her. Upon glancing at the tall man, even the crowd could feel his intimidating, fierce, predator-like aura, his short hair getting slightly ruffled from a sudden gust of wind.
The audience clapped and cheered, but Kaiyo couldn’t take any notice of it. They were drowned, drowned by the sound of her own heart thumping and ringing in her ears, which continued to last unpleasantly no matter how many times Kaiyo attempted to shut off her Sense. Her emotions simply refuted the control of it.
Would Dad really throw me out? The more she thought about it, the more she shuddered with fretfulness. She tried forcing down the impulsive thoughts, but they were impossible to suppress. I know my dad better than anyone; he wouldn’t do that. He cares about me more than anything in his life. He wouldn’t just throw me out, would he?
But one quick glance at Asashi’s apathetic face, as their eyes met amid the crowded people, gave her second thoughts. His scornful eyes and his overly cool composure made her eyes shut, feigning that she couldn’t see him.
W-would he?... She stood still with her hands covering her ears and her eyes tightly shut.
He’s going to expel me…
He’s going to expel all of us!
It’s going to be over, I—
If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
“Kaiyo, calm down,” Sen’s voice, alongside the feeling of his hand on her shoulder, snapped Kaiyo out of the anxiety attack. Just looking at his pale blue eyes made her feel more relaxed. But something was behind his usual composed demeanor. Something that she’d never seen before.
Maybe she was imagining things, but how he looked at her felt different than their usual interactions. The more Kaiyo thought about it, the more she realized that Sen had been acting oddly ever since the challenge started. Although he still remained the same, it didn’t feel like she was staring at Sen at all, but a whole different person. Maybe I’m imagining things.
“I wouldn’t worry about what he’ll say,” Sen said hushedly. “He won't do anything, not in public, at least. He won't even humiliate me because he’s aware it puts you and the team in the center of attention. He had a chance to throw us out at any point during the first challenge but didn’t. That could mean he was willing to let us continue the first challenge and expel us privately later on, or it means something else is stopping him.”
Sen’s familiar logical explanation made her feel at ease, yet she could still picture her father’s burning gaze when he’d looked at her across the crowd. But It wasn’t her father’s anger she was scared of. It was his disappointment…
“Hello, contestants,” her father's low and almost growling voice abruptly escaped the megaphone. Taking his glaring eyes aside, even his tone felt targeted at Kaiyo. “I’ve been assigned to explain the next challenge, but that’s not all I came here to do.” Between his words, Asashi carelessly puffed his cigarette between his two fingers and exhaled a cloud of smoke. “I’ll be blunt with you all; I came to discourage you from joining,”
The audience needed a few moments before giving any sort of reaction, expecting some sort of follow-up. But to their surprise, no follow-up came.
“What?”
“Is he joking?”
“Does he think we're fools?”
“Who does this guy think he is?” Some contestants shouted their puzzlement while others talked in low voices, and Kaiyo couldn’t blame them. In fact, she herself had no idea what her father was up to.
“Settle down, settle down,” Asashi silenced the crowd, almost like a parent scolding their child. “Take some advice from a veteran who’s been in the business for quite a while; maybe you’ll learn a thing or two.”
“Tsk, just get on with it. I have no time for listening to old people talk about their experiences,” Ze, the muscular young man and leader of the second-place team, growled on stage, out of earshot from the rest of the crowd.
Asashi paused and turned to meet the enormous, brown-haired boy. He gave him a cold death stare, his eyes burning fiercely. Without even saying a single word, Ze reluctantly looked away, intimidated by his glare. Clearing his throat, Asashi returned his attention to the crowd and continued his speech.
“In no way are you obligated to listen to me, and I, quite frankly, wouldn’t care either way. But as a good gesture, I wanted to give you a little disclaimer on the path you are headed, just in case you’re not aware.” He inhaled and puffed another cloud of smoke.
“I have a question: Why do you want to be a Knight? Let's start with you,” Asashi said, pointing to a random girl in front of the contestants.
Starstruck that she had been chosen, the girl fumbled out an answer: “T-to… um… to make the world a safer place from monsters, sir!”
Asashi acknowledged the answer with a nod before pointing at a random boy and asking the same question: “What about you?”
“To protect innocent lives,” the contestant saluted Asashi, which he acknowledged with a nod. One after the other, Asashi moved down the line of people below him, asking the same exact question. The answers differed, but all shared equal amounts of enthusiasm.
“To make my family proud and protect them!”
“To give back to the world and be renowned like you!”
“So I can retire my family while defending people from monsters!”
“To fight monsters!” “
To be strong and famous!”
After he felt he had received enough answers from the participants, Asashi took one last puff of his cigarette almost sorrowfully. He grimaced as he said—
“This wasn’t a trick question. In truth, not a single one of you is wrong or mistaken. I will never convince someone that their dream isn’t worth it or that they shouldn’t pursue it. Having an end goal in mind is what keeps us pushing forward until we are satisfied with the results, and it's always a good thing. But I stand before you now to ask a simple question...” Asashi's eyes reflected the sun’s light, hundreds of memories flashing in his retinas. “How far are you willing to go to achieve your goals?”
…
Kaiyo wasn’t sure if her ears had stopped working, but not a single pin drop was audible once her father had asked those words. No one dared to speak, or maybe they couldn’t answer the simple question. Only the sounds of birds tweeting provided an escape from the unbearable silence.
“If you’re unwilling to throw away everything to reach your goals, your goals will eventually crush you before you even get a taste of it.” Asashi broke the silence. “Are you willing to take another life in the name of justice? Are you willing to watch a child’s head get ripped off by an Arokai? Are you willing to go to war and kill other humans? Or better yet, are you truly willing to sacrifice your own life for your comrades?”
Kaiyo realized with her father's last sentence that this was much bigger than her. How could she have thought this was all about her? Asashi was responsible for hundreds of lives. She was just a small part of the bigger picture. And the more she dwelled on his words, the more she doubted her motives to become a Knight. This was much bigger than just honing her Sense. She would be responsible not only for her own life but also for the lives of others.
Am I willing to throw my life away for the sake of someone else? Kaiyo thought.
“Saying something and actually doing it are two different things. To reach your goals, you need to break and rebuild yourself over and over again,” Asashi’s fists clenched almost instinctively. “One more thing I want to make very clear is that the AOK doesn’t care about your ambitions. If you do not follow orders as expected, you will fail. We aren’t gardeners who nurture you until you bloom; we are monsters in human flesh, raising you to be soldiers. Having a moral goal is cute, but make no mistake, your resolve to achieve it will be tested every single painstaking day. It’s your choice if you truly want to take the risk. Is having your fantasy dream of being a mighty Knight worth the dangers?”
Asashi’s speech wasn’t meant to motivate, and Kaiyo recognized it wasn’t supposed to be from the very start. Her father wasn’t attempting to discourage them without reason. Everything he said came from his real experiences.
That meant regardless of how traumatic her father's past was, he’d done nothing but support her dream, knowing full well what a treacherous path it was. Kaiyo suddenly felt regretful, as if she had taken her father's support for granted. Even when they had the argument on Sen’s birthday, it was over something meant to help her, not to make her life worse.
Not only am I weak...
Not only am I average in school...
Not only am I sensitive...
But I’m also... She already felt bile rise in her throat as she struggled to control her emotions.
No, she suddenly stopped, disregarding everything she normally would do. In her peripheral vision, Sen's blunt and stoic face. That’s right, he wouldn’t worry about something he had done. He would just figure out how to fix it.
Drying her wet eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, it took everything out of her to look down at her father on the stage. She couldn’t quite see him clearly, but she could still feel his burning gaze as he looked through the crowd of speechless contestants.
What good does crying do? Again and again, it always leads to the same place—nowhere. I don’t have time to cry.
All her life, Kaiyo's first response to stress was to ball her eyes out. She was sick of it, sick of always being this helpless flower that needed nurturing. For once, she wanted to be strong, to protect others instead of her weak emotions.
Kaiyo’s grandmother always said that a kind heart would always be stronger than a sword, but as the challenge went on, it became clear that wasn’t the case. Her heart was too kind, too weak to stand its ground, like an infant deer in a cold winter.
To be a Knight who protected others, she needed to have a strong will. If losing a bit of herself meant she could grow stronger, she would accept that.
I’m sorry, grandma, but you are wrong. I need to be strong... If Dad isn’t throwing Sen or me out, I can’t just disregard this opportunity. I have to be a Knight...
“No answer, huh?” Asashi’s static voice from the megaphone cut the brutal silence like a sword. “If you feel like you aren’t fit for this... leave; if you cannot sacrifice anything, you won't achieve anything.”
Silence... not even a tiny murmur was audible, until movement started scurrying through the hundreds of people.
What were they doing? Were they... leaving?
Sure enough, accompanied by their terrified expressions, groups of participants began breaking off from the crowd. Scared of what was to come, they were quitting. Without even knowing what the next challenge would be, Asashi’s words were powerful enough for them to abandon their dream in a split second.
But was it really a dream if they weren’t willing to sacrifice anything for it?
Seeing how so many contestants were really quitting, the salt-and-pepper-haired announcer was in shock. “I-I uh… with all due respect, Asashi, your job was to give the details about the next challenge, not to—”
“To what, Kyuya?” Asashi replied coldly to the old mustachioed man without the megaphone, not wanting the contestants to hear their conversation.
“Well, you know, to cause contestants to drop out! You know how mad the higher-ups are going to be—”
Asashi instantly cut off his mutter. “Why would they be mad? Because I refuse to deceive children about what’s to come? Because I want to warn them? The academy has grown too used to manipulating the lives of the younger generation. I will do as I please…”
Kyuya was left speechless, struggling to find the right words to even be deemed a good argument. But he came up with nothing. Sighing, the old man bowed his head, realizing it would be useless to argue with his superior.
“Very well…” he grimaced.
“One more thing,” Asashi raised his megaphone. “I won’t be explaining the next challenge…”
Kyuya blinked as if he had gone insane. The one thing Asashi was meant to do, he abandoned, and the remaining contestants were equally as confused.
Asashi grinned. “In the next challenge, are you willing to risk your life without knowing what you're going into?” he asked, crushing his cigarette on the marble stage. “Now I stand before you with the same question in mind… How far are you willing to go to achieve your goals?”