PERIWINKLE

Shanty sighs and leans back in her chair. She’s keeping her expression neutral, but frustration emanates from her like cheddar sharp enough to bite.

“We won’t be able to work on getting your powers under control if you can’t bring them out to practice,” she points out, reasonably enough.

I offer an apologetic smile and look around the small room the siren brought me to for our second one-on-one session. There’s nothing between the beige walls except a few chairs and a narrow desk, which my tutor and I are sitting on opposite sides of.

Apparently the walls contain some kind of shielding against shadowkind power—if I have an outburst, it shouldn’t blast the rest of the school. I don’t need to be worried.

But even thinking about provoking the kinds of emotions that’ve made me blaze with light or darkness in the past makes my body tense up. I have so many awful associations with those moments. So many echoes of the pain I’ve caused.

The truth is, I’m not sure how to purposefully bring out even the smaller effects of my outward powers. Remembering times when I felt happy or upset doesn’t stir up my inner state the way experiencing the cause in the moment did.

Shanty points me toward the mirror hanging on one of the side walls. “Take yourself back to the classroom when you saw the hunter’s net. That’s what’s had the biggest emotional effect on you since you arrived here. Watch yourself for any visible reaction, and if you start to see one, focus on whatever sparked it until you’ve got a steady glow going.”

I nod and push to my feet. My reflection stares back at me, uncertain but determined. My hair is its typical vibrant but not luminous turquoise.

Watching the blue-green strands for any trace of a glow, I picture the shiny net that Gnash displayed to our class. Dredge up the taunting comments my classmates made, the stings of pain that lingered in my feet.

Something deep inside me balks, but I ignore the resistance. I imagine those silver-and-iron strands smacking around me, burning my skin and pinning my limbs—

A faint flicker travels over my head: a yellowish glimmer of fear. My pulse thumps with a jolt of triumph.

And my pleased response to my success squashes any terror I managed to tap into. The glow blinks away as if it was never there.

When I glance over at Shanty, I can’t tell if she even noticed it. She’s still studying me with a slight frown, twisting a strand of her dark blue hair around her finger.

I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m really trying. It just doesn’t seem to work well with only memories. I don’t think it ever has in the past either.”

The siren hums to herself. “All right. Our time is almost up, but we can try incorporating some immediate stimuli for you to respond to in the moment next time. Maybe videos of frightening things, or I can find ways of startling you. Is there anything you find particularly disturbing that I could work in?”

I guess it’s easier to unsettle someone than to delight them. My mind trips back to the sitcom theme song that pushed me over the edge the other day, and all my innards seem to clench up.

No. That would be too much, too dangerous, and also too bizarre. How could I explain why it bothers me without getting into my whole horrible history?

If the school administrators knew what I did and how much harm I caused before I came here, they’d banish me for sure.

I shrug, trying to sound helpful. “Just the usual things? Scary creatures, people getting hurt…”

The one who caged me before used to hurt me to shock those emotions out of me… I don’t want to go back to that kind of scenario either.

Shanty motions toward the door. “You can go. I’ll give it some thought, and we’ll see if we can make some more progress tomorrow.”

So much to look forward to. But if it means I have better control in the end, it’ll be worth it.

I keep that optimistic thought in mind as I open the door, only for my heart to skip a beat when I see Jonah standing in the hall outside.

My startled reaction must show on my face, because the sorcerer immediately steps back with a bashful dip of his head. “Sorry. I was just coming by—I wondered how your sessions with Shanty have been going—I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”

“It’s all right,” the siren calls from behind me. “Periwinkle was just leaving.”

I let the door drift closed behind me, resisting the urge to hug myself. Why is Jonah keeping an eye on me? He defended me during the meeting—is he worried he made the wrong decision in arguing that I should stay?

The words tumble out of me in my nervousness. “It’s only been a couple of sessions. I haven’t made much progress yet. But we’re going to try some new approaches next time.”

Jonah holds up his hands, offering a small, crooked smile as if in apology. “You don’t need to justify anything to me. I know it can take a while to get a handle on supernatural powers.”

I cock my head. “Why were you worrying about how I’m doing, then?”

Jonah rakes his hand through his thick black hair, looking twice as awkward as before. I find myself wanting him to smile properly—wide and relaxed, so it shines through his whole face. He would look even more handsome like that.

Okay, I probably shouldn't be thinking of the teachers here, let alone the ruling staff, let alone a sorcerer that way. But it's true.

"I wasn't worried," he says. "Not that you were making trouble or anything. It was more that I wanted to be sure you're okay."

I blink at him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I got to stay here at the school, to keep trying... What else could I have asked for?

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

Jonah appears to grapple with his words for a moment before he answers. "You aren't like most of the students I have to compel here, Peri. It seems obvious that you'd have come to the school of your own accord if you'd known it was an option. You're always trying to help everyone you can... I know it must have felt awful when I pushed my sorcery on you. I'm sorry about that. I wish I never needed to use it at all."

"Oh." Anything else I might have said snags in my throat. His guilt over the situation and his concern about me waft off him like an over-salted stew, not totally palatable but oddly hearty at the same time.

It never occurred to me that a sorcerer might regret using their powers. That any of them would care how their talent affected the shadowkind they manipulated.

But then, Jonah's not at all like the other sorcerer I've actually known. He's done everything he can to help me too.

That knowledge propels my voice from my throat. "Thank you—for speaking up for me. For saying that I should stay. I do appreciate it a lot. I'm sure everything will go much better once I’m totally used to this place."

Jonah's shoulders come down, and a relaxed smile almost like I imagined touches his lips. He really is enjoyable to look at. "I'm sure it will too. I know some of the other students can be harsh, but—well, just stick with the ones you can make friends with like Fen and don't let the others get under your skin."

I nod emphatically. "I'm not. They're just... scared, and angry, about a lot of things that mostly have nothing to do with me."

His smile softens. "I'd bet that's true about an awful lot of people. Peri—about the net and whatever you experienced with the hunters—"

My stance stiffens automatically, which Jonah must notice. He cuts himself off and shakes his head. "I don't want to bring back bad memories. But it sounds like you have a lot of those. If you need to talk to someone—I grew up with beings who'd been through a bunch of trauma at the hands of humans. Sometimes they come by the school. I could arrange a visit sooner."

My mind has stuck on one of the first things he mentioned. "You grew up with shadowkind?"

A short laugh escapes him. "It's not obvious? Yeah, I was basically raised by a few of them who had a little family together. My birth parents—well, I lost them when I was really little. The beings who ended up adopting me wanted to make sure I didn't grow up seeing the shadowkind the same way most sorcerers do. You could say it worked out."

It must have. My impressions of him re-order themselves to fit this new information, and suddenly it's hard to find anything about him frightening at all.

He only used his magic on me to bring me a place where I could get help. He's never hurt me. He obviously doesn't want to.

A smile of my own curves my lips, brighter than anything I managed with Shanty. "I think so. I guess... I could talk to you too, couldn’t I? If I thought I needed to. Since you know a lot about shadowkind who’ve been through… difficult situations. And you’re right here.”

Jonah pauses for long enough that I start to think I’ve said something wrong. Then he beams back at me with a wash of happiness that’s all plum-sweet. “I am. And that would be totally okay, if you feel comfortable with it. I’d always be happy to talk.”

A tingle sweeps through my body that has nothing to do with any emotions I’m picking up from him. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I’m abruptly self-conscious that my hair is going to start glowing in some embarrassing color.

I don’t know if it’s something about my reaction or nothing to do with me at all, but a hint of deeper color touches Jonah’s cheeks. I catch a whiff of something even sweeter and richer before he steps back. “Anyway, I should let you get to your other classes. I’ll see you later, Peri.”

I watch him stride off with a strange feeling bubbling in my chest.

Is there something wrong with me that I wish I could see more of him right now? Just sit with him and ask all about how he grew up, what his powers mean to him, everything?

Maybe not. Maybe that would be okay. Another time. When I’m more sure of my own emotional control.

I head back toward my dorm with a spring in my step that wasn’t there before. As I turn the corner of the hall, a trio of beings who were chatting with each other outside a classroom stop and look in my direction.

If we’ve had classes together, I don’t recognize any of them well enough to remember their names, but one of the women nudges her friends with her elbow. “Look, it’s that know-it-all newbie.”

The other two women giggle, one with a hiss of her overlong tongue. “Got any tips for us, smartie pants?”

I let their mocking tone slide off me, thinking about what I said to Jonah. They don’t really know me. It’s not me they’re actually put off by.

“I’m not trying to bother anyone,” I tell them. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”

Even my apology sets off a flare of irritation in the women. The first one sneers at me. “We’re not upset. We just think a piece of fluff like you should figure out your place before you start spouting off at the rest of us.”

The second woman giggles again. “She is a fluff ball. I saw her in self-defence class shaking like a dandelion in a breeze.”

The third chimes in. “Telling us not to be scared of the assholes out there when she’s terrified of all of us.”

My stomach twists. “I’m not afraid of you.”

“No?” the first woman says.

Before the sound has finished leaving her lips, the second woman lunges forward. Her face transforms into a grotesque visage, all wrinkled purple-black skin, searing scarlet eyes, and vicious fangs she snaps inches from my face.

With a shocked squeak, I stumble backward. The demon reverts back to her humanesque form a moment later, she and her friends bursting into laughter. The third points at my hair. “She’s freaked out now. Like a living mood ring.”

A prickle runs through my scalp. It’s glowing.

All thought of my harassers flees my mind. I spin on my heel and dash back to the room where I had my control training session.

“Shanty!” I say breathlessly as I burst into the room, but the chair behind the desk is empty. She’s already gone.

Disappointment shudders through me, and then my gaze latches on to the mirror. I hustle over just in time to see the yellowish sheen dwindling in my hair.

Can I make it brighter again?

I close my eyes and recall the jolt of panic when the demonic woman sprang at me, but when I look again, the glow has faded completely away.

I peer at my reflection for several more beats of my heart, resolve building inside me.

This time it didn’t work, but it was a start. It doesn’t matter what the other students think of me. If people hassle me or embarrass me, that’s a chance to practice.

I just have to keep turning my problems into something good.