Chapter 283 - The Cursed Cavalier and the Lovely Lich II
Claire fought back the urge to giggle as she wandered around the castle grounds. Technically, she was trespassing—she had slipped past the guards and entered the squid’s domain in the middle of the night. In reality, there was no reason to sneak around. She had a face pass in both her humanoid and true forms, and Arciel had promised on account of their friendship to see any of the party’s members at any point in time. But she didn’t want an official visit. The lack of detection was precisely what made the prank so amusing.
She was not at all operating with the cat’s consent. Natalya’s interpretation of the plan had not been very literal; she had given the snake-moose the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she would tackle the assignment—recruiting the queen—through more conventional means. Alas, she had made an oversight, and Claire had taken full advantage.
The plan was simple. She would sneak in, rip the squid out of bed, and bring her home. With so little on the checklist, it was practically foolproof, guaranteed to succeed, but she would not have been wandering if it was truly as easy as it seemed. The problem lay with the second step. She had no idea where Arciel’s bedroom was. She had checked the towers first and foremost, as well as a location akin to her father’s quarters, but the defective vampire was nowhere to be seen.
“Stupid squid,” she muttered, as she continued drifting about. She eventually gave in and tracked the monarch with her detector skill, but it gave a hazy response. It wasn’t dysfunctional per se. She could tell that Arciel was somewhere in its range, but something was interfering and preventing her from pinpointing the queen’s location.
With a solid twenty minutes of walking and flying under her belt, the rabbit-eared deer caught wind of a familiar voice. It was distant but clear enough to be identified as belonging to someone she knew. Tracing it to its source, she found a gaggle of maids gazing hungrily into the kitchen. Their eyes were glued to the pies sitting on the counter, the scent of which pleased even the lyrkress’ tongue. The most voracious servant, as well as the most familiar, was on the far edge of the group. She stood out not only for standing taller and drooling harder than the others, but because she was the only member without any fishy features.
“What are you doing?” The maid, once responsible for handing out pounds of silver, didn’t react even as she was tapped on the shoulder. Her coworkers paid a little more attention, but they returned to their prior business when one of their members was singled out. “Chloe.” Likewise, her name failed to grab her attention. “Chloe!” Claire grabbed her head and turned it as far as it would go, but the maid’s eyes remained on the pie all the while.
“Ow!” cried Chloe. She rubbed her neck as she finally turned her body to greet the guest. “You almost broke my neck!”
“Your fault,” said Claire. “You should’ve listened.”
“Sorry.” Sticking out her tongue, the maid arranged herself in front of the noble lady and lifted her skirt with a curtsy. “I know that it may have seemed out of line, you would certainly understand if you tried one of Mr. Moreau’s snacks.”
“I doubt that,” said Claire. “The chef I had back home was better.” The miffed cook was clearly within earshot, but the lyrkress ignored him outright. “Where’s Arciel?”
“Ciel should be in her room. It’s on the fifth floor. You can’t miss it.”
“Show me,” said Claire.
“I’d love to, but…” the maid reluctantly glanced at the pie. “Can it wait? Just a few minutes. I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”
“No.”
“Then could you at least take one of the others?” she said with a pleading pout. “It’s really far, and Josephine and Coralie need the exercise way more than I do.” The blatant attempt at passing off the responsibility led two of the larger maids to shoot Chloe a pair of zero-degree glares, but she brazenly ignored both the walking sea urchin and the floating anemone.
“You can come on our food tour if you show me the way.”
The maid’s eyes lit up. “Did you just say food tour?”
Claire nodded. “Three days. As many meals as you can eat.”
Chloe brought a hand to her chin, the thoughts racing behind her eyes clear as day. Some of the other maids showed interest as well, tearing their eyes from the cooling pie to discuss the idea among themselves. A taller orcaped adorned with a crown of curly blonde hair stepped forward and tried to volunteer, but an older kelpfin pulled her back with a shake of the head.
“Where were you planning to go?” asked Chloe, after a long pause.
“East,” said Claire. “We might skip a few borders along the way while we’re at it.”
“I’m in.” The human grabbed Claire by the wrist and yanked her right out of the kitchen. “Follow me!” She brought the halfbreed through a series of halls. The guards they passed were curious, but none questioned the maid or tried to stop her. For better or for worse, Chloe was a member of the castle’s upper caste. “By the way.” She spun around and looked the armoured halfbreed up and down. “I’d suggest a different outfit if you’re planning to bed Ciel tonight. Roleplay’s great and all, but she’s still a virgin. You’re probably taking it a bit too far for her first time.”
Imitating a certain fox, a very confused Claire blinked exactly three times. “I’m not going to sleep with her.”
“You aren’t?” It was Chloe’s turn to be taken aback. “Weren’t you one of the ones she proposed to? I was sure you were here to tie the knot.”
“That was her idea of a joke.”
“Hmmmm….” The maid narrowed her eyes into a suspicious stare. “So what you’re saying is that you’re capitalizing on one of her mistakes? As one of her maids, I can’t say I condone the behaviour, but personally, I think it’s probably for the better.”
Claire sighed. “I liked you better when you didn’t talk.”
“I get that a lot,” said the maid with a giggle. “So while you’re here, can you do me a quick favour?”
“No.”
“You’re going to have to change anyway.” The maid continued unabashed and dragged Claire into a room filled with clothes and mirrors. “I don’t really know what you had planned originally, but I’d really appreciate it if you could wear one of these.” She rummaged through a series of hangers and retrieved a maid outfit. “You see, us maids have been trying to mend Her Majesty’s poor broken heart after she was so wrongly rejected by the fair maidens three,” she said, in a parodied, theatrical voice, “but she refuses to look our way. If you’re going to deflower and manipulate her anyway, we’d really appreciate it if you could give her a maid fetish while you were at it.”
“For the last time,” said Claire, with an annoyed glare. “That’s not why I’m here.”
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“Please?” begged the maid. “I’ll do anything.” A blush creeping up on her face, she produced an awfully phallic object from under her skirt.
“Why does the stupid squid keep you around?” Claire pinched the bridge of her nose. “Knock it off.”
“Oh, fine.” Chloe sighed as she placed the wooden eggplant atop a nearby drawer, its tip standing tall. “I didn’t want to have to do this, but…” Her expression hardened. “Lady Augustus, I am afraid that I cannot show you to Her Majesty’s room unless you don the appropriate clothes.” In spite of her words, she almost seemed regal, like somewhere in her sorry excuse for a brain, she really did have the circuits required to function as a queen’s maid.
There was a moment of silence as the two parties stood staring, with the human emitting an ominous aura and Claire pressing her face into an open palm.
“Fine.” Eventually, the lyrkress gave in, breathing a tired sigh as she magically snatched the uniform out of the other girl’s hands. “Stupid humans and their stupid permanent heat.”
The maid had appeared fully intent on watching, not bothering to move even as Claire put a hand on her armour, so she magically spun her around and shoved her out the door. Moving as quickly as she could, she turned her armour into a pair of fashionable ear braces and threw the uniform over her body.
Still indignant, she moved everything back to its rightful place and stepped into the hall, her arms crossed and her lips twisted into a scowl.
“You look dashing, My Lady,” said Chloe, who was for some reason completely out of breath.
“Please just shut up and show me to the stupid squid’s room already.”
“Right away,” said the maid with a bow and a grin.
Much to the lyrkress’ chagrin, it turned out that Arciel’s room was just down the hall. The former princess was face up in her bed, her tentacles sprawled all over and a line of drool slowly dripping down the side of her cheek. Perhaps aware of her slovenly, unpresentable appearance, she started to stir as soon as the pair entered. So Claire grabbed a chair and bonked her over the head.
It was an effective strategy. Though the royal seat certainly suffered some damage in the incident, Arciel went right back to sleep.
Ignoring the appalled maid, Claire grabbed a piece of paper off the squidgirl’s desk and scribbled a quick note.
I’ve kidnapped the queen. She’ll be back in a few days.
- Claire
She signed the page with her usual scribble, as well as a quick drawing of an angry lyrkress, before throwing Arciel over her shoulder and beckoning the maid toward the window. She was about to leap out of it and fly away but changed her mind after a moment’s delay.
Raising a hand in front of her instead, she made a claw grip with her open palm and twisted the empty space. A rift opened up, leading into the sky above the sea. It wasn’t exactly her destination, nor even anywhere near it, but she dismissed the mistake with a shrug and stepped through.
The maid was hesitant despite her previous experience, but Claire grabbed her with her tail and chucked her into the portal. Revenge for the earlier shenanigans.
___
Despite having gone out in the middle of the night, Claire awoke early the next morning. She got out of bed with a yawning stretch. And after glancing at the fox curled up by her pillow, wandered out into the hall.
When she headed into Arciel’s room, she found Chloe already standing by. Her back was straight, held against the wall, and there was a briefcase in her hands. She had no idea when the servant had put it together, but it apparently contained everything that she and her mistress would need.
The maid turned towards her as soon as she entered and greeted her with a sad pout. “Good morning, Lady Augustus,” she said. “I can’t help but notice that your uniform is missing and that Her Majesty’s purity is unfortunately still unstained.”
“Really? First thing in the morning?” Claire groaned. “Humans, I swear.”
“I will have you know that this is typical maid behaviour,” said Chloe. “Our purpose is servitude and we exist to be used to satisfy all of our master’s desires.”
“That’s a blatant lie and you know it,” said Claire, with a roll of the eyes. “None of my maids were deranged perverts like you.”
Chloe cocked her head. “I’m afraid that’s impossible, Lady Augustus. Why else would they become maids, when there are so many higher-paying positions that could be chosen with the same skillset? The answer is clear.”
Claire buried her face in her open hand. She couldn’t be bothered to deign the maid with a response. And fortunately, as it so turned out, she didn’t have to.
“What’s with all the noise? Is it time to go already?” Lia yawned as she groggily pushed open the door to her room. The cat was a mess and a half. Her hair was an untamed jungle, her glasses were crooked, and she was dressed in an oversized blanket. It was exactly how she was every morning, even as she grew more accustomed to rising early.
“I kidnapped the stupid squid,” said Claire.
“Oh, they’re here already? I’ll go greet them.” Fixing only her glasses, the cat started down the stairs, only to stop as she caught sight of the maid. Craning her neck just a little more, she found the vampire. Arciel was still asleep, or perhaps unconscious, fearfully dreaming of chairs. “Uhm.”
“She stole us away from the castle in the middle of the night,” said the maid.
“Wait… the middle of the night? But then…”
“I told you,” said Claire. “I kidnapped her.”
“Great. Of course, you did.” Lia pressed a hand to her forehead and sighed. “Was she too busy to come?”
“I don’t know,” said Claire, with a shrug. “I didn’t ask.”
“Why am I not surprised?” sighed Lia. “I’ll have to apologize to the admiral, er, prime minister, later.”
“You sure got over that quickly,” said a wide-eyed Chloe.
Lia flashed a strained smile. “This is par for the course, as far as Claire’s concerned.”
“I wasn’t aware that Ciel preferred the wilder types,” muttered the maid, under her breath. “I’m not sure I can pull that off exactly, but…” She continued whispering something or other, her eyes glassing as she sank into thought. She continued to be lost in her own mind until Arciel started to stir, some ten awkward seconds later, at which point she suddenly snapped to attention and straightened her back. “Good morning,” she said, with the sweetest of smiles.
“Good morning,” replied the squid. She idly looked around the room as she rubbed the bump on her head. “And here I had assumed that my violent kidnapping was merely another figment of my imagination.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Claire.
Arciel gave the lyrkress a bit of a look. “Then would you care to explain how I slept in one bed and woke up in another?”
“Simple. You sleepwalked.”
“Even if I was to sleepwalk,” said the squid. “It would be within the castle. That also does not explain Chloe’s presence. She would have awoken me had she found me wandering the halls in my dreams.”
“I’m sorry, Ciel,” said the maid. “But I was bribed. I was told that I would be taken on a wonderful food tour if I showed Claire to your room.”
“Whyever a food tour?” asked Arciel, with her brow wrinkled.
“Because I said so,” said Claire. “Now hurry up and get dressed. We’re leaving in a few minutes.” She moved towards the window, but stopped shy of jumping outside. “Do you have anything on you that can prove your royalty?”
“I do not see why I would,” said Arciel. “There are several seals in my drawers, but I would not have them on my person.”
The lyrkress lightly flicked her tongue. “I guess we’ll have to stop by the castle again.”
“Don’t worry.” Chloe opened up the briefcase and produced a sparkling sapphire cut into the shape of the moon. “I figured that something like this would happen, so I grabbed everything we needed while you were changing.”
There was a moment of silence. Claire stared at the maid with her face completely blank.
“What? Did you think I made you dress up for no reason?” Chloe flashed an impish grin.
“I’m starting to think inviting you was a mistake.” A throbbing pain in the back of her head, the qiligon pressed a hand to her temple and returned to her room. Speaking to the maid had been a stark reminder of the reality that Alfred had long instilled. She really, really, hated dealing with humans.