Why am I still here? Just to suffer?

I’m starting to believe that I died, and this is my personalized hell. That’s the only explanation I have left; the sheer amount of stupidity surrounding me is not something that can happen naturally. I glance at Yoshiko and Laura, who are now arguing about spelunking for some unknown reason. The other elves are nodding after each word said by Laura; I worry that their neck will break if they keep shaking their heads so fast.

Paying attention to their conversation is probably killing my brain cells faster than heavy drug use, but I have nothing else to do. From what I have deciphered, the Knights are also a group of hobbyist spelunkers. Spelunking is quite a popular hobby among elves.

It doesn’t make sense to me, but I know better than trying to find a semblance of logic and reason in this place. Their endless bickering is also not helping with the original subject of this discussion; the potentially dimension-ending multi-layered Breach.

I clear my throat, “So, what about the Breach?”

Laura tilts her head to the side, “What Breach?”

It takes all my willpower to not make her spin faster than the armor in the washing machine behind her. I clench my fists and take a deep breath, “The multi-layered Breach? How are you so sure that it’s a real thing? And that it’s also going to happen so soon in this dimension?” I get up from my bench and cross my arms, “And lastly, why are you certain that the Super-Artifact theory is the right one?”

Laura smirks, “Ha! Elves have superior senses when it comes to the stability of nature! And I feel a growing disturbance!” she puts her hands on her hips and nods to herself while the other elves look at their leader with admiration. I turn towards Avryl for confirmation, but she looks completely zoned out. I can understand her. If I could, I would also turn my brain off to not listen to another second of the inane conversation between Yoshiko and Laura.

“Let’s say that I believe you,” I say with resignation. “What makes you think that your connection with nature has anything to do with this supposed Breach? For all we know, someone just opened a new factory. The resulting pollution is what you’re feeling.”

The elven woman opens and closes her mouth. Her bewildered expression tells me that she didn’t even think about this mundane possibility and immediately went with the first absurd idea that came to her mind.

“Ha!” she says with a forced smile as she takes a deep breath, “How foolish do you think I am? This level of disturbance of the very fabric of reality is not something caused by mere industry! ’Tis a far greater event, one that happens once a millennium!”

I raise a finger before she goes off the rails again, “And what about the Super-Artifact?”

“I am not supposed to share this, but you have… very convincing arguments.” Laura says as she glances at her armor and winces before focusing back on me. “There’s this ancient elven prophecy that I’ve unearthed after great struggles into the bowels of the Earth.” She begins telling her story. “Deciphering the sacred text took great effort and understanding its true meaning took all the efforts of a great mind such as myself.”

Got it, so the ‘prophecy’ was probably a child’s drawing that fell on the sidewalk.

“The mysterious document went like this,” she clears her throat, “The place at the crosswalk of the reality will experience a great invisible disturbance. The cataclysm will be caused by an ancient artifact borne out of the merging of unnatural creations that come from a space outside reality.”

As much as I hate to admit it, that sounds surprisingly convincing. I can see why Laura interpreted her supposed prophecy as she did. It still doesn’t explain why there would be an ancient elven prophecy related to a shopping dimension or why it would happen now. It seems her sixth sense corroborates her interpretation. However, there are still questions that need answering before I commit to this wild goose chase. Prophecies are usually vague enough that anyone can interpret it to fit what’s happening in a given time.

“How are you certain that your prophecy is the real deal?” I ask the elf. For all I know, this is the magical equivalent of trolling. And the Knights fell for it.

Laura turns smug as she shows me the screen of her Terminal, “Who do you think I am? I have this certificate right here that proves the authenticity of this ancient prophecy!”

I look at the ‘certificate’ with disbelief. It’s a simple document that states that ‘Prophecy#24587-C’ is one hundred percent authentic. There are misaligned pixelated images at the sides of the document and a faint gray text at the bottom. The text reads: ‘Thank you for choosing OnDemandAncientProphecies.mana for all your future-predicting needs!’.

If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

To be honest, I feel sorry for Laura. “Perchance, didn’t you need to enter your financial details to get this?” I ask.

The eyes of the elven woman widen as she takes a step back, clearly shocked beyond belief. “H-How did you know? I received a notification while we were spelunking. It was an act of fate! I felt it in my very soul!” she clenches her fists, “I immediately seized this chance and was rewarded with this secret document along with the prophecy! ’Tis thanks to my blessed existence that we were granted such a grand opportunity!”

I have no words. How can someone be so dumb? I never thought I would ever see an elf being scammed on the magical Internet.

That was a waste of time. Now, I know that getting any more involved with these idiots is going to make the situation even worse. I turn towards Yoshiko before she gets any funny ideas. It wouldn’t be good if—

“’ Tis a perfect occasion for us to gain riches!” the Japanese woman exclaims. My eyelids twitch. She can’t be serious? Right? I glance at Avryl for help, but she’s tapping her Death Ray with her fingers while wearing a frightening grin.

Fuck my life. I don’t even bother with Sword, his empty eyes tell me that he probably doesn’t understand the situation.

“You can’t be serious, right?” I say with a sigh, “How can you not see that this is a scam? Your bank account is probably empty by now.” I say as I look at the elf. “Nobody here has ever been taught to not believe everything you see online? Especially when it seems too good to be true!”

These people need some common sense, they can’t go on like this.

“What are you saying? Do you think I’m an idiot?” Laura asks with narrowed eyes.

“Yes. Yes, I do.” I immediately share my sincere feelings. “The fact that someone like you survived for so long is already a miracle in itself.”

Laura crosses her arms and smirks, “It seems that your recruit isn’t aware of the ways of the world.” The elf declares as she glances at Yoshiko.

“Ha!” Yoshiko exclaims. “This member of the Alpha Team is too smart for you!”

I relax; maybe Yoshiko isn’t as delusional as I thought.

“I’m going to spell it out to you since you can’t possibly fathom the depth of the plans laid out in front of you. What this good Ian is saying is why would we bother dragging you people along since we know that such an opportunity appeared? He’s trying to convince you to give up on this prophecy!”

My eyes widen. That wasn’t what I meant at all! How did she even— I throw my hands in the air and lean against a wall. I fucking give up. They are all beyond saving.

Laura recoils, “W-What do you mean? We shared our hidden knowledge with you! It would be dishonorable to not give us our part of the treasure! And you don’t know where the Breach even is!”

Yoshiko smirks and closes her eyes for a moment. A pentagram appears out of nowhere and floats above her head like a bad copy of an angelic halo. “Do you think you’re the only one who can feel the disturbances caused by a Breach? My ancestral techniques don’t have anything to envy to your elven senses!” she shouts as she clenches her fist.

I hide my face in my palms. This is getting worse by the second; I need to salvage the situation before it gets too ridiculous.

“Listen,” I face Laura. ”I’ll accept that you come along with us as long as you swear that you’ll pay me— us, a small fee is this prophecy happens to be a sham. You’ve got nothing to lose, right? And if it’s true then you would have shown me that your prophecy was the real deal.”

The elven woman looks to be in deep thoughts for about a second before she nods. “Aye, this Knight will gladly teach you the truth about the world!” she says smugly while the other elves pump their fists in the air.

…I’m convinced that the long-eared idiots suffer from severe brain damage.

“A fine idea! Using meat shields is always a good idea when you can afford it!” Yoshiko slaps me on the back. I don’t feel anything since her hand is so small, but I bet she could crush my spine if she wanted to hit me for real.

I hope we’ll find a ton of Mana Crystals so I can upgrade MERTICORE to have a fighting chance against those Mana-powered monsters. Or at least enough to allow me to survive more than a casual handshake.

It’s obvious I’m just giving myself false hopes; we’ll probably wade through some shit-filled alley for hours until the elf will be forced to admit that she got conned.

Being a Breach Diver is great fun. On an unrelated note, I think I understand why I haven’t seen anyone else hiring for this line of work.

The washing machine dings at the same moment, and the elves light up as they rush to grab their ridiculously disproportionate armor. For crying out loud, the smallest elf of the group even has a small folding stair coming out of the legs of the metal construct to allow her to climb into it!

“Sword,” the barbarian shares his thoughts on the subject. Calling them thoughts might be stretching it; what goes on in his brain is a mystery to me.

A slightly muffled noise reaches my ears as Laura stretches into her massive armor. The now gigantic woman moves her fingers around and grumbles something about low-quality fabric softener. She then put her hands on her hips, “You honor-less curs will not survive a second without the assistance of our knightly order!” She says as her voice modulator comes online and changes her normal, feminine clear voice to something that would not sound out of place if it came from someone like Sword.

I adjust my guns to avoid chafing as our peculiar group leaves the laundromat. Laura stops us by raising her hand and raises her head. She sniffs the air for a couple of seconds before slamming her armored feet on the group and pointing at a large road filled with people.

“Onward, valiant companions! We shall—” She’s interrupted by a thin humanoid snail wearing a green three-piece suit. The creature bumps into her before making various noises resembling a full sink emptying. The way he waggles his slimy fist at her tells me that he’s probably berating her because she’s standing in the middle of the road.

“S-Sorry,” the elven woman mumbles as she steps aside.

Laura looks around for a few moments before pointing towards the location of this supposed super special Breach.

“L-Like I said, let’s go!” she says with a stammer as she walks into the massive crowd.

My urge to run away keeps growing.