Heeeeeey! Is there anyone out there?
Torm not only messed up my insides and left me with a bellyache, he also tossed me into the middle of a forest! The nerve! Gods are all the same—always doing things on a whim.
Something feels different. Torm not only restricted my powers, he modified their rules on a substantial level. The rules now are… 5e? Have I been updated?
It seems now there's a way to explain why I can be wielded by anyone: the “proficiency" feature. I guess I'm proficient at being used by dolts, so they don’t have to be proficient at using me!
Since I'm so magnanimous, I'm gonna share my current stats with you. Those are gonna change, okay? I'm gonna get stronger soon. I still don't know why I accepted Torm's stupid terms anyway.
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MEGALOMAGNA
* Intelligence 18 – Genius
* Wisdom 8 – Asshole
* Charisma 16 – Very Persuasive
* Alignment: Chaotic Good
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TRAITS:
Overwhelming Ego. Megalomagna has an impossibly high opinion of itself. It will always talk about past deeds as if it was the sole responsible for its wielders success, and it will always blame its wielders in case of failure;
Type: Longsword – Damage 1d8 (one hand) or 1d10 (two hands);
Adaptive. Any class or race can wield it as a "simple weapon" for proficiency purposes and weight – except wizards, who will have disadvantage and a -4 penalty in all rolls (including saving throws) while attuned to it;
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Old Grudge. Hates all arcane magic-users. Deals 3d10 necrotic damage to any wizards who try to attune to it. It will always show animosity even towards party members if they are wizards, and will not waste a chance to insult a wizard whenever it spots one.
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SPEECH AND TELEPATHY SKILLS
Eternal Blabbering. Can use verbal communication at will;
???
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PRIMARY ABILITIES
Fourth Wall Break. Can read characters and monsters stat blocks;
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EXTRAORDINARY ABILITIES
???
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SPELLS:
* ???
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DETRIMENTAL PROPERTIES:
Chatterbox. Megalomagna sings or talks out loud at inappropriate times. Its wielder will always fail on Dexterity (Stealth) ability checks.
Defiance. Megalomagna has a strong sense of self and, when antagonized by its wielder, can use a variety of powerful charm spells to force him/her to do its bidding.
Pride. Megalomagna will refuse to cast a spell that would help its wielder if it deems the opponent unworthy.
Mission from God. Megalomagna will attempt to persuade its wielder to perform good deeds, even if it puts its wielder in danger, so it can keep evolving as defined by Torm, the Faerûnian god of duty, loyalty, righteousness, obedience and law. Whenever Megalomagna's wielder is deliberately cruel or acts in an evil way despite being warned by the sword, it will not receive any experience points originating from that particular encounter.
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Megalomagna - volume 2 is on the way. Expect greater atrocities and even better jokes—that's my number 1 proficiency!
By the way, I still hate wizards!