At long last, the awaited time is here! The first Planar War in 3,000,001.5 years will start in approximately four hours, when the Planar War continent finishes forming. On one side we have the fearsome Trash Plane, with hundreds of mathematical Spirits. If the mathematical turtle Spirit thing that the Infinity Proof Artillery shot down just now is anything to go by, what the Trash Plane boasts in force may not be hundreds of thousands of soldiers or even millions of soldiers, but billions!
On the other side of the Planar War is the weak and pathetic Weakest Sector. Their strongest spirit is the Great Leviathan who exited the previous Planar War the moment it started. Their largest Sector, the Infinity Sector, is not the real Infinity Sector, one of the greatest Sectors in the entire Tesseract, but actually a fake led by a thirteen year old child with delusions of grandeur. It is unknown how such a Sector was even able-
“Whoever is talking, shut the fuck up.” Shuxue snarled.
“My apologies, Patriarch.” The announcer, a young man with sandy blond hair, laughed nervously. “I was just trying to paint our side as the underdogs, like you asked.”
“Well, you are hopelessly inept at your job.” Shuxue shoved the announcer out of the way.
“At long last, the awaited time is here!” Shuxue shouted into the voice-amplifier. “The first Planar War in 3,000,001.5 years will start in approximately four hours, when the Planar War finishes forming. On one side we have the fearsome Trash Plane, which outnumbers us billions to one. On the other side, you have me, Shuxue!”
Shuxue looked down from his elevated podium at the hundreds of Infinity Corp members below. They had looks of trepidation and anxiety on their faces, as if they were contemplating the possibilities of their deaths in the coming Planar War.
“Yes, it is true that many of you, whose names I can’t be bothered to remember, will not be coming back alive from the onslaught of billions of Trash denizens. It is true that our enemies outclass you all in both quantity and quality. It is true that killing billions of enemies may take several years worth of time! But what is important is that we will win because of me, Shuxue!”
Xiaobai, who was standing in the back, leaned over to speak in Minister Fengshui’s ear.
“Who wrote this speech?” Xiaobai hissed.
“I believe it was Zhujiao who came up with the general message.” Fengshui whispered back.
“I see.”
Meanwhile, Shuxue continued to give his speech.
“What each of you should be thinking about as you enter this great battle is not that you will die, but that the Infinity Sector will win! Even if you die, you shouldn’t care, because you would have given your life up for the Infinity Sector and for me, Shuxue! So enter this battle with your heads held high!”
Shuxue stepped off the podium, a smile on his face.
“There we go, I definitely got them properly motivated to fight.” Shuxue patted himself on the back. “Sometimes, I surprise even myself with my witty motivational speeches.”
A murmur of assent rose up from his attendants, two tedious young girls who could not properly flap their fans at him.
Xiaobai headed up after Shuxue to say his own bit. Shuxue looked up at the sky, scratching his head. The Planar War continent was forming out of mathforce, but he couldn’t see it right now. It flew above the plane in circles, and would complete one revolution every twenty-four hours. It would be another sixteen hours before he could see it again. But by then, he would already have teleported into the Planar Battlefield.
The Sphinx was in his sphinx form, rolled up into a ball in the corner. He seemed to be shivering.
“What’s the matter, Sphinx?” Zhujiao popped into existence from out of nowhere, an ice cube in his hand. He pressed it into the Sphinx’s foot. “Getting… cold feet?”
Zhujiao was sent flying into the palace several kilometers away. In an instant, he was back, a stupid smile on his face. “I learned that joke from one of my servants! It was really funny!”
Shuxue shook his head, sighing to himself.
“It hurts like a motherfucker!” The Sphinx cursed. “That Planar Battlefield is calling me!”
Whenever Planar War occurred, every single spirit in each plane would be teleported into the Planar Battlefield. It was up to the humans to enter into the spirit as they were teleported away. Otherwise, the spirit would be sent to the Planar Battlefield alone.
“Don’t be a little bitch!” Zhujiao repeated cheerily to the Sphinx. “Isn’t that what you always say?”
“You got some sass today, motherfucker!” The Sphinx kicked Zhujiao again, sending him flying into the sky. A few seconds later, a twinkle appeared.
“What! What have you done, Sphinx!” Shuxue yelled, his face paling. “That twinkle means that he’s exited our Weakest Plane! Why would you do that?”
“Uh... “ The Sphinx blinked as he shivered. “He’ll teleport back. No worries.”
A minute dragged by, and Zhujiao still did not return. Shuxue’s face had drained of all its blood, and the fear on his face could give anyone who was looking at him a heart attack.
“It’s over… we have to abort! We can’t go to the Planar Battlefield now!” Shuxue gasped. “We have to call this off!”
“What?” The Sphinx stopped shivering and got up, baring his fangs. “You can’t do that! You can’t leave me to go to the Planar Battlefield by myself! What happened to No Important Person Left Behind?”
“I’m sorry, Sphinx. You’re going to have to take one for the team.” Shuxue said solemnly.
A minute later, Shuxue ascended the podium and brushed aside Jijian, who was spouting some crap about the Church of Zhujiao. He adjusted his coat, careful not to reveal the single, tiny laceration the Sphinx had made on his belly before he finally gave in to his demands.
“Soldiers, it looks like a completely expected emergency has occurred. Everything is under control, but we will be boarding our mathematical spiritual lifeforms early.” Shuxue said solemnly, a bead of sweat trickling down the back of his neck. The Sphinx didn’t trust Shuxue, and forced him into loading soldiers onto him early to ensure that he would not be left behind.
Shuxue grimly entered the Sphinx’s gaping maw and took a seat inside. He looked out the windows at the sky, searching for the Planar Battlefield. He fidgeted with his hands for several minutes before speaking up.
“Hey, Sphinx, my man, can you put some footrests on these chairs? It’s awfully tight in here.”
“Fuck off!”
Shuxue sighed. One day, he would pay the Sphinx back for this. How could a top genius like him be manhandled like this? He was the Patriarch of this entire Sector! He felt he was entitled to footrests.
Within an hour, the entire Infinity Corps had boarded one of the Infinity Sector’s 3 mathematical spirits. Despite the tight conditions, nobody complained, or even spoke a word. Shuxue would have appreciated the silence, but he had no jade slips to press to his forehead. Not having Zhujiao around really ruined everything.
Shuxue was staring aimlessly through the windows when bright lights abruptly appeared, covering up the entire screen. They disappeared in an instant, replacing the scenic mountains and buildings of the Infinity Sector’s capital with lush green plains and rivers. Mathematical beasts roamed about, grazing on the mathematical grass and drinking the mathematical water.
“Kill them all!” Shuxue shouted as he slid out of the Sphinx’s gaping mouth. Behind him, the other 298 soldiers fanned out into some formation Xuezhe had designed. A flurry of attacks flew out from his sides, killing all the local fauna.
Shuxue looked behind him at the Sphinx. Soldiers continued to slide out of his mouth to join their formation. He wondered how it was mathematically possible for 299 people to fit in there. Perhaps there was a profundity to spirit anatomy he had never considered before.
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“Forward march!” Shuxue snarled. “Our goal is to reunite with Fengshui’s group and Xiaobai’s group! They should be near us! Actually, they should’ve been right next to us, since we teleported from the same place! Where are they?”
Right on cue, an explosion came out from nearby.
“WHO ARE YOU?” A deep, guttural roar rolled through the plain. Before Shuxue could respond, another voice drifted up from somewhere else.
“We are members of the Trash Plane! Don’t attack us!” A woman called out. Shuxue realized, with a start, that it was Fengshui. He and his group began to hurry over as surreptitiously as they could.
“WHICH SECTOR ARE YOU FROM?” Shuxue realized, with a shock, that the voice was coming from under them.
They were on another turtle the size of a continent!
“We’re on another turtle the size of a continent!” A soldier gasped, as if he had thought of it first. “But how are we properly hearing what it’s saying? The speed of sound shouldn’t-”
Shuxue slapped the soldier. “I already knew we were on a turtle the size of a continent, silly fool. Come, let’s go rejoin Fengshui’s team.”
“Uh… we’re from the Infinity Sector!” Another voice called out. It was Jijian.
“THERE IS NO INFINITY SECTOR IN THE TRASH PLANE! THERE IS ONLY OUR BIODEGRADABLE SECTOR, THE RECYCLING SECTOR, AND THE TRASH SECTOR!”
“Stop, everyone!” Shuxue jumped off the edge of the cliff he had come upon, followed by the 299 soldiers behind him and the Sphinx. Several minutes later, he crashed into the ground next to Fengshui and her team. They were in the middle of a vast canyon of orange rock. From here, he could see that what he had just jumped off was the head of a gargantuan turtle, a mathematical spirit which had lived for sextillions of years!
“I’m afraid you heard wrong. We are actually from that Recycling Sector you were talking about!” Shuxue said with a smile. “Let’s go kill those Weakest Plane fools and seize this continent for ourselves!”
“YOU’RE FROM THE RECYCLING SECTOR?” The turtle’s eyes, which were just below the clouds, fixed onto them. “EXCELLENT! PREPARE TO DIE!”
“Huh?” Shuxue blinked.
“BIODEGRADABLES ARE THE TRUE WAY TO RAISE LIFEFORMS!” The turtle roared, spitting out an ocean of saliva at them. “ALL RECYCLERS AND TRASH SHOULD DIE!”
The ocean landed atop them, flooding the entire canyon with the sticky fluid. Several of their red-uniformed soldiers were dashed against the rocks and turned into puddles of blood, but Shuxue was able to make it through unscathed.
He pushed his bodyguards off of him and pointed a finger straight at the turtle. “We have to kill the Weakest Plane enemies first! Don’t you want this continent for our Trash Plane?”
“IT’S NOT THE TRASH PLANE! IT’S THE BIODEGRADABLE PLANE!” The turtle roared angrily. “I HAVE TO THANK THE WEAKEST PLANE FOR ALLOWING OUR BIODEGRADABLE SECTOR TO FINALLY DO BATTLE WITH THE TRASH AND RECYCLING SECTORS AGAIN! WE’LL KILL THE WEAKEST PLANE LAST!”
Shuxue assessed the situation grimly. Now he knew what was going on; the Trash Plane had been split up into 3 completely separated zones. He knew now that these 3 zones were the Trash Sector, the Recycling Sector, and the Biodegradable Sector!
“Our enmities will never die, then!” Shuxue shouted. “Soldiers, kill them all!”
Proof artillery popped out of the body of the Muckgreen Grass trash mathematical Spirit. They lit up, puffing clouds of smoke that followed erratic trajectories towards the turtle. Several seconds later, they could see explosions covering the turtle’s entire head.
“RAARRGHHH!” The turtle yelled in pain. “BIODEGRADABLES, ATTACK!”
A dark cloud appeared from its shell several tens of thousands of kilometers away. Shuxue waited several minutes before shrugging.
“Kill the turtle! Those enemies will take several months to finish flying to us, they don’t matter at all!”
They continued bombarding the mathematical turtle spirit. It roared again, then began lumbering forward. Each step created another canyon in the ground.
“CARBON… FOOTPRINT!” The turtle shouted, bringing its foot crashing down on them.
Shuxue stared at the descending foot, his face completely drained of blood again. “Someone get me out of here! Save me!”
Where was Zhujiao? Where was their Plot Armor? Was he really going to die here?
Shuxue began to reconsider some of his life choices. This morning, he should have pressed that jade slip he was saving for a special occasion to his forehead. Maybe he should have figured out who his parents really were. He could feel his bowels churning right now. He should have taken a dump before coming here. Now, he was going to die soiling his pants.
“HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” A figure flew up into the air from nowhere and landed a kick onto the turtle’s descending foot. The foot halted its descent as the figure crashed into the ground. Immediately, the person jumped back up into the air, his jump creating a miniature canyon within the canyon.
“HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” He kicked it again, sending the foot jerking upwards. He crashed back into the ground.
“HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The turtle howled. “THAT HAAAAAAHRRRTS!”
“HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The man jumped up a third time. This time, his kick sent the entire turtle floating upwards.
“YOU… YOU MAY BE A GENIUS ON THE WEAKEST PLANE, BUT MARK MY WORDS!” The turtle shrieked as it floated away. “IN A PLACE LIKE THE WEAK PLANE, YOU CAN ONLY BE A PIECE OF TRASH!”
“HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The man flew up a fourth time and kicked the turtle yet again. It flew away into the sky, disappearing with a twinkle after a few seconds. He flew back down, smashing into the ground in front of Shuxue.
“Xiao… Xiaobai?” Shuxue gasped. “H… H… How...”
Everyone around him began cheering for Xiaobai. From a crevice in the canyon, his group clambered out, led by the Wukong mathematical spirit.
“Xiaobai! Xiaobai! Xiaobai! Xiaobai! Xiaobai!” The soldiers all roared with wild excitement. He had just saved them the impact of that fearsome carbon footprint!
But Xiaobai didn’t seem to be excited. He had a blank look on his face, as if he was pondering something.
“How did you do that?!” Shuxue finally got the words out of his mouth with some difficulty, as his jaw had unhinged and the bottom half had fallen to the floor.
“I’m not a genius… in the Weak Plane?” Xiaobai asked nobody in particular. “Even after going from trash to genius here, I’m still only trash in a higher plane?”
“Don’t worry about it, Xiaobai!”
“You’re a genius! An unparallelled genius!”
Xiaobai was flooded with so many words of reassurance that Shuxue was not sure how he didn’t drown in them.
“Bah, whatever.” Shuxue shook his head. It didn’t seem like Xiaobai was going to answer his question. He slapped Xiaobai several times to wake him up.
“Hey! Get yourself together!” Shuxue shouted. “We still haven’t killed them all!”
Xiaobai snapped out of his daze. “R… right.”
He got up, and they began traveling through the Planar Battlefield.