Chapter Twenty-Seven: Suicide

It’s not a good day.

I don’t know if I will ever have a good day again. I wake up completely drowned in tears. My bed is an ocean, and I don’t want to get up.

Last night, my friends and I took Astil’s body back to Zenyth and told High Mage Aegon what happened. His pained look cut deep, and he apologized profusely.

But there’s nothing to apologize for.

It’s my fault.

Astil is dead, and I have caused it.

I sob into my pillow, crying so painfully even Dautha probably feels bad for me. Today, I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to return to sleep, where I can escape reality, but the sunlight streaming through the window stops me.

Astil’s death crushes me inside. It’s hard to breathe. All I can see in my mind is Raakhshas’ dagger slicing,slitting Astil’s neck as I watch. In my mind, I’m the one who slit Astil’s throat.

I was supposed to protect him!

I remember how worthless I felt before. How one phrase from Th’ul motivated me.

But it didn’t do anything.

I was still worthless when everyone needed me the most.

And to tell the truth, this all just reminds me of what happened with my parents. I was paralyzed for a week, unable to do anything.

Then Jade came in.

She told me to face my issues, and helped me through it. Except I didn’t face the problem.

I realize now that I buried it.

And now it’s back.

All I can think of now is that I killed my parents. I murdered them! And then I killed Astil! At least it’s my fault.

I remember my mom and dad’s smiling faces, how Astil used to laugh.

Truth be told, I’m a failure. I don’t know why I’m here. I only ruin others’ lives.

Even Eren’s.

My sobs turn to whimpers as I recognize who I am.

I'm nobody. And those who know me are cursed.

The pillar of fire erupts in my mind again. I only did it after Astil died! Why couldn’t it be before?

Why did Raakhshas have to go after my friend?

I regret not facing my issues before. Just another mistake about me, I guess.

I need to die.

That’s the thought that comes into my mind. If all I do is ruin my friends’ lives, then I’m better off dead. I need to die.

And that means I have to do it myself. All I want to do is jump in a lake and drown myself. It’s what I deserve. Except I don’t even have the motivation to do that.

A knock comes at my door.

I ignore it. I don’t want to talk to anyone today.

Another knock. I still don’t answer. Hopefully, whoever is here decides I’m somewhere else and decides to leave.

“I know you’re in there, Zade,” I hear Xander’s voice. “You can’t stay there all day. It isn’t healthy.”

I ignore him.

“I can bust in here,” Xander warns. I doubt he can get in. The door recognizes when the person outside isn’t the owner of the room. So I ignore Xander.

“Fine.” A creaking noise comes from where the door is, and I look up sharply. Xander found a way to open the door, and I glare at him.

“How did you do that?” I ask angrily.

“Th’ul told me,” He responds. His eyes are haunted, lifeless. Clearly, he’s just as sad as I am. “Zade, you really shouldn’t stay there.”

“Okay,” I say, standing up. “I’ll go eat with you in a minute. Just let me get dressed.” Xander nods and leaves.

Of course, I’m not going with Xander. I need to be alone. I put on my cloak hurriedly and open the door. Seems like Xander is waiting in the gallery. I can sneak past him.

Seeing him on the couch, I walk past the gallery quickly, making sure he doesn’t notice. When I exit the hallway, I sigh in relief.

Then I head for the exit.

— — —

I’m sobbing. Again.

I just can’t deal with death. Ever since my parents died, death has been a looming monster in my life. Until I learned to ignore it. Now it’s back.

Especially because I’m going to kill myself.

I’m going to the Harbor and jumping off, rocks tied to my leg. I couldn’t think of anything else, so this is the best way.

I don’t belong in this world. I don’t even want to anymore. Honestly, Astil deserved to live much more than me.

All I wanted was for my friends to be okay. Was that really so much to ask?

I turn down an alleyway, thoughts jumbled. I’m visibly sobbing, and I can barely breathe or see. I just can’t see the beauty in Magefell anymore. It all looks so dirty now…

“Excuse me, mister,” I hear a little voice say. I turn as someone grabs at my cloak. It’s a girl, twelve years old at most. “Can you spare some change?” She asks.

I look in my pocket and pull out a silver sphere. I force a smile and hand the money to her.

“Here you go,” I tell her. I wish I could help her more. But there’s really not much more I can do for this urchin. “What’s your name?”

“Sally, sir,” she responds. “Thank you so much.” Her eyes tear up. “You might have just saved my momma.”

She starts to skip away and I watch Sally fondly. I’m glad that I was able to help someone at least.

Suddenly, someone burst out of the shadows, grabbing Sally. It’s a buff man, undressed to the waist. He puts a hand over her mouth and begins to drag her down the alleyway.

“HEY!” I scream. “Put her down.” He looks at me and growls. I run towards him and he sprints away from me, Sally screaming the entire time.

I’m faster than him. I can reach him. I can…

I twist my foot, tripping.

I hit the ground hard, losing my breath. I look up guiltily. The gruff man leads Sally down an alleyway, and she’s sobbing. I stretch my hand to her, but of course she can’t reach. Her eyes plead for help, but there’s nothing I can do.

They disappear from view, and I scream, hitting the ground with my fists. I pound the cobblestones, sobs shaking me again.

“WHY?” I yell. “Why does this happen?” I couldn’t even save a girl from getting taken.

I curl up on the ground, sobbing. This is why I have to die,

I can’t save anyone.

There’s no hope for this world.

I lay on the ground, too lazy to get up. I realize, though, that Xavier will be looking for me. I have to get moving.

Before he finds me.

I pick myself up slowly, tears staining my clothes. I limp to the market. It’s not in view yet, but I know I am close.

I can see many people looking at me oddly, or angrily. I must look like a street urchin myself at this point.

It hurts to walk. It hurts to think. It hurts to live.

I can finally see the market now. I pull my hood up and try to look inconspicuous. It would be bad for anyone to notice me now.

I hear snippets of conversations of various people. Some are talking about the tournament, others about their spouses. All their conversations are lively.

Do they not understand how messed up the world is? I envy their joy.

I just can’t have it.

Not without Astil.

I push past the people, leaving the market in the direction of the harbor.

I’m in one of the worst neighborhoods now, and it’s obvious. Women showing their bodies, and men fingering their blades. It looks like how I see the world now.

It’s ugly.

And hopeless.

I see a man looking at me angrily, as if he wants to try something. I grip the hilt of my sword and hurry on. I’m going to kill myself, but that doesn’t mean I want someone else to do it.

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I can see the harbor now. It’s still far away, but I can see how packed it is. It will be hard to jump into the water without anyone noticing or trying to save me. I really hope that I’m able to do this. I just can’t live like this.

I know I’m weak.

That’s just who I am.

“Have you smiled today?” A man asks me, clearly high. “We all need to laugh. We can’t live if we don’t.”

“I’m not living,” I tell him. “Soon enough, anyway.”

He squints his eyes at me. “You a ghost, kid?”

“Close enough,” I respond.

“Hmm,” The man looks suspicious. “Why’d you come back? It’s a messed up world.”

“I know,” I say. “I'm not here on purpose. I’m on my way back home.”

“Ah, aren’t we all? Aren’t we all?” He smiles. “Well, it was good to meet you, little ghost. I hope you can find your way home.”

“Me too.” The man turns down an alleyway and I wonder what just happened. This was definitely one of the weirdest conversations I ever had, but at this point it only confirms what I already know.

I keep walking, eyes still wet. I’m not crying anymore, just numb.

Astil’s bloody face comes into view and I cry out, falling to the ground.

“I’m sorry,” I groan. “I didn’t mean to let you go!” People are looking at me oddly, but Astil just glares. I feel his eyes on me as I cry, getting up. I feel the condemnation in his look. I know I messed up and I deserve to die.

It’s the only thought in my mind right now.

With Astil’s eyes on me, I walk towards the harbor, mindless as a drone. The world seems gray and lifeless, and each step grows more tiring, yet more hopeful. It’s like the more I lose hope, the closer I get to death, the more hope I have for death. I know that’s a scary thought, but to me, it’s comforting,

I get to die! What a privilege!

I finally reach the beginning of the harbor. As I thought, it is completely packed, leaving me almost no room to even move. I finally realize the flaws in my plan, but it’s too late to turn back now. The end is just too close.

Some women cast concerned glances at my wet eyes. I ignore them, heading determinedly to the end of the pier, where no ships should be docked. There, I should be able to jump, no problem, I just hope it works.

But of course it will. There's no reason for it not to. I’ve been on this journey for longer than I normally do. I think it’s been a little over an hour of me limping very slowly and tiredly. Now all I need to find is a massive rock. One that will lead me to the bottom. One that will stop me from changing my mind last minute.

My mind swims as I search for a big stone. The thoughts in my head are ones of failure and depression. I know that if someone tried to convince me now, I would stop. Inside, I can feel my heart in turmoil. My consciousness shakes.

I check my core subconsciously, and it scares me. It’s roiling erratically, as if tremors are running through my body. A small touch could send it overboard. The way it pulses leads me to think it could explode at any moment. It only sends me deeper in my hole.

I finally find a stone big enough for my destiny. I take the rope out of my pocket and tie it to the stone. I can’t even lift the stone with my hand; it’s just that massive. I lift it with my mind somewhat reluctantly. My core struggles with me, refusing to do anything. It pulsates quicker, turning a deep shade of purple.

“Are you okay?” I turn to see a woman looking concernedly at me. My lips curl upwards in what I hope is a smile. I try to show the woman a side of me that I definitely don’t feel.

“I’m fine, ma’am,” I respond. “Just… tired. A lot on my mind.”

“We all have those days,” she tells me knowingly. “My husband died a month ago.” I raise my eyebrows at her. “It was horrible. He got killed at sea. Pirates. I have three kids. All yungens.”

“How do you do it?” I ask. “You look so strong. How is it possible?”

“It isn’t. At least, not alone,” Her voice sounds distant now, like she’s recounting something deep in the past. “We never go anywhere without our friends, you know. At least, we don’t go anywhere good. You’ll always be stuck until you move on with others. Don’t keep your burdens to yourself, kid. A burden shared…”

“Is a burden halved,” I respond. “I know. But what if they’re going through the same problems?”

“Even better,” she responds, winking at me. “As soon as you understand each other, your burden becomes lighter. Because you both know that together you are stronger. When you have the same burden, you may not be able to halve it. But it’s easier to run with it.”

I smile wistfully, and this time it is genuine. A tear slides down my cheek.

Then Sally’s face appears to me, face horrified. I can only imagine the sort of torture she must be feeling now, and my grin disappears.

“Why does this happen?” I wonder out loud. “Why isn’t everything better?”

“In a perfect world, evil would not exist,” the woman tells me. “Our world was perfect once. But the greed, innocence, and sins of humans destroyed perfections. Humans cannot live in a perfect world. We are imperfect creatures. That does not mean we have no right to live. It just means we need to grow every day, every minute. We are flawed, but in some way, that’s what makes us us. That’s what makes humans so hard to live with, but at times, it is also what makes us easy to love. Because we’re here to learn.”

My eyes glisten. “Thank you for that. It rings true. May I know your name?”

“Angela. My name is Angela.”

I hang my head, breathing in and out softly. A soft breeze tickles my face, and I look up.

Angela is gone.

My foundation is shaken now. My only purpose now was to end everything.

What Angela said, though, changes things. Now I’m not sure what I’m doing is right..

I need to keep going, though.

If I should stop, then something will stop me.

I’m sure of it.

My core is more relaxed now. Clearly, Angela has comforted it as well. I lift the rock with my mind, and, with a lot of effort, it works now.

I need to head to the small hill up the harbor.

There everything ends.

— — —

It’s not a long walk up the hill, but the added weight of the boulder on my core slows me down. I can see people glancing at me, questioning looks in their eyes. They’re wondering what a mage is doing hauling a stone. If they knew, they would be sobered.

Most just go about their business. They don’t care what others do, and I’m perfectly happy with that.

I grunt as the stone falls to the ground. My core is exhausted. Any more, and I could Burn. I’m almost up, though. Maybe I can roll it up the rest of the way. I heave the rock up slowly, its weight attempting to drag me down. My muscles bulge as I struggle, but slowly the boulder trudges upwards and forwards.

Eventually, I reach the top of the hill. I wipe the sweat off my face and look towards the ocean. There are no boats moored here, so I’m just beyond the reach of help. If I jump now, especially with the boulder tied to my foot, I will die.

I bend down and tie the rope to my leg. Then it goes around the stone. Sighing, I look nervously to where the waves roil. My mind is in turmoil. I don’t want to live with the pain anymore. I don’t want to live in a world where Astil is gone.

But I don’t want to fail my friends. I know I should trust them with my problems. They would want to help me.

I shake my head. I can’t be weak. I need to have the courage to jump off. Or else I don’t even deserve to live.

Isn’t it more courageous to live with the pain, though? If I survive with this pain, then I could never consider myself weak. Plus, I would end up stronger than before.

But I’m not strong enough. That’s the point. I wasn’t strong enough to save Astil, and now I won’t be strong enough to survive the pain of his death.

I close my eyes.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Open my eyes.

The ocean invites me in, the sun shining softly on my face. I feel a peace in my soul as I step towards the edge.

Angela was wrong.

My lips tug upwards and I close my eyes for one final time.

A step past the edge.

“NO!” A voice screams from behind me. A familiar one, I realize, dread churning in my gut. “Don’t do this. We need you, Zade!” I turn around, tears already forming under my eyelids.

“What are you doing here, Jade?” I ask softly. Xavier is behind her, eyes betraying the concern on his face. Jade looks worried too, but more than that, she looks desperate. Sad.

Betrayed.

It stings to look at.

“Xavier told me what happened,” she replies. I can tell that behind her face, she’s also trying not to cry.

Astil’s death hurts us all.

“We saw you heading this way,” she continues. “We barely got in time, but here we are.”

“I knew you would try something like this,” Xavier butts in. “I didn’t think I would be able to stop you alone.”

“I was in the area,” Yue says. My head is already hurting from all the back and forth. “Waiting for you to appear.”

“So here we are,” Xavier finishes.

“You shouldn’t have come.” I tell them. “And you’re too late. I will not stop.”

Yue sighs. “Zade, why do you feel the need to do this? Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re wrong.”

I bite my lip, choking on my words. Then the words explode out of me.

I tell them of my worthlessness. Of how I’ve failed. Astil is dead because of me. I’m not strong enough. All I wanted was to save my friends. Even that I fail.

By the end, I’m silently sobbing, shoulders shaking.

I’m showing my friends how vulnerable and I’m scared how they’ll respond.

Part of me expects them to be disappointed in me. Either they’ll tell me I’m right, or that my problems are stupid and I’m stupid for having them. I dread that response. If this is their response, they won’t be able to stop me.

The other part of me is more hopeful, even if I don’t believe they’ll respond that way. The second part of me thinks they’ll respond lovingly, respectfully.

Even helpfully.

But they won’t.

They can’t. Because it wouldn’t make any sense.

I’m just not worth it.

“Zade…” Yue falters. Her face is twisted in concern. Either that or disappointment. I’m not sure yet.

“I know.” I whimper. “I need to jump, don’t I?” I turn around and prepare to jump. “Y’all should look away.” Someone grabs me from behind, enveloping me in what I recognize as a hug.

“Zade, of course you’re worth it.” Yue’s voice is reassuring, sad. She sounds genuine. I’m not sure she means it yet. “Zade, we need you! You think you’ve failed? Look at all of us! I let Diamond die. She was only a foot in front of me! Xavier was also with Astil when he died. Th’ul and Anni were there too. Plus, Th’ul let you get tortured. I led Jos to his death, and Rosalia died on my watch. Do you not see Zade?

“We’ve all messed up,” she continues. Her hug feels comforting, and I lean into it. “We’ve all made so many mistakes. That’s why we need each other! You may not see it, but without you, none of us would be here. Without you, Xavier, Anni, and Th’ul would all be dead. You killed all the other mages!

“And me and my friends? I may not have shown it, but I was ready to give up. When you told me you would give me information, you gave me hope! Can’t you see? Zade, you’ve kept us all sane. If anyone here is worth it, it’s you.

“I don’t want you to think you failed. You didn’t fail. Astil may have died, but it wasn’t your fault. You saved Xavier, for heaven’s sake!

“And you know Astil wouldn’t blame you.

“Zade,” She concludes, “Look at me.” I look up, tears staining my eyes. “Don’t ever think for a second that we don’t need you. Don’t you dare think that you’re not worth it. We need you, Zade, and not to fight the cult for us. We need you to keep us together. Because you’re a good person.

“Don’t leave us, Zade.” She reaches down, breaking the hug. I look down and she unties the rope tied to the rock. “Thank you for everything, Zade.”

I can’t speak. I’m choking on my tears. Now, though, I’m crying for another reason.

“That…That was…beautiful, Yue. Thank you.” I smile softly.

She gives me another hug, and this time Xavier joins in. I return the hug, and now I can feel Xavier and Yue crying too.

“We all miss him,” Xavier says.

“We miss them all,” Yue tells us. “And that’s why we need to live. To remember them. The hurt is good. The pain is the everlasting remembrance. We can never truly forget someone if the pain of their death stays, and that’s a good thing.”

We all fall silent, my tears staining Yue’s clothes, her and Xavier’s tears staining mine.

Angela is right.

A burden shared is a burden halved.

I don’t want to die anymore.

I want to live now.

For Astil’s sake.

For Yue’s sake.

For Xavier’s sake.

For all my friends.

Now I know the truth.

I’m not here on earth to live for myself. My suicide would’ve been the most selfish thing I ever did.

From now on, I promise myself, I will do everything only for my friends.

That is the only real way to live through life.

The only right way.

— — —

“Many people do not know the complexities of magic,” Master Thul tells me. “Most mages don’t even know. But magic truly is a complex thing.

“Take the Fireball, for example. I taught you the right way to do it. But if you had imagined something slightly different, like imagining throwing the fireball before making a flame, you would only have succeeded in making an explosion.

“Much magic uses complex forms. Without levitation first, you cannot learn to hover in the air. If you try, you’ll only end up humiliating yourself. It’s a progressive process. And that’s why levels are so important.”

I asked that question to him because I was wondering whether Levels really were all that some of my fellow mages-in-training think they’re cracked up to be. I was beginning to think they might just be worthless, a piece of information that doesn’t mean much, but apparently I’m wrong.

“Knowing someone’s Level means knowing how much skill they have. The more skilled and powerful, the better Level. Plus, many times your core will become stronger when you Level up. That is why many mages do not share their Levels with others. They want other mages to underestimate them.” Master Thul finishes his speech. “Is that the answer you wanted, Zade?”

I nod in confirmation.

“Good,” Master Thul says. “Unless you plan to resurrect me, I need to go now.” With that last joke, he chuckles and disappears.

I look around for a few seconds and suddenly what he said hits me.

“Is that possible?” I say out loud, wishing for Master Thul to come back.

He reappears, sighing. “I don’t know,” He says reluctantly. “It’s never been done. But I guess anything is possible, right?” He sees the look on my face. “What are you planning, Zade?”

I just smile.

I’m going to resurrect Astil.