It looked like the action log might be an interesting daily ritual for Malick, but there was no need to keep it open 24/7. The endless list of minuses and pluses wasn’t exactly a confidence booster. In fact, watching his bad luck points tick up by one every hour convinced him that his misfortune was on a relentless upward escalator. With a resigned sigh, he shut down the action log and turned his attention to the next section: his stats. “Ok, I can’t wait to see what my stats look like,” he thought, equal parts curious and terrified.
STATS
1 is the gold standard of mediocrity—the perfect representation of an average human male. At this level, you’re not impressing anyone, but you’re also not embarrassing yourself (too much).
Anything above 1 means you’re actually good at something—maybe even impressive. Anything below 1? Well… congratulations, you’ve entered the struggle zone. Hope you enjoy losing arm-wrestling matches to children, tripping over flat surfaces, and making life choices that would make a reality show producer weep with joy.
Strength (Str): 1.07
Measures physical power and muscle mass. Influences melee attack damage, carrying capacity, and those random feats of strength—like opening stubborn pickle jars or hauling your ex girlfriend’s stuff out of the apartment.
Intelligence (Int): 1.15
Reflects cognitive abilities, problem-solving skills, and general know-how. It affects how quickly you learn from mistakes (if you ever does) and even how well you remember which bar has the best half-off shots.
Charisma (Cha): 0.95
Indicates personal magnetism, social skills, and leadership qualities. Unfortunately, this score suggests that your charm might be a bit underwhelming—probably a side effect of your awkward encounters and general lack of game.
Health (HP): .099
Represents overall physical well-being and vitality. It’s your buffer against illness, injuries, and those hangovers that feel like the universe is personally punishing him.
Dexterity (Dex): 1.05
Denotes agility, reflexes, and hand-eye coordination. Essential when dodging life’s curveballs—or when trying desperately to catch a drink before it spills on you again.
Wisdom (Wis): 1.10
Reflects common sense, perception, and intuition. While it may seem surprising given your frequent mishaps, this stat suggests you do have some insight—if only you could use it to avoid stepping in bar urine puddles.
Constitution (Con): 1.02
Measures stamina, overall health, and physical resilience. It represents your ability to absorb punishment—both physical and emotional—and keep trudging along.
Endurance (End): 1.05
Indicates stamina and the ability to sustain prolonged activity, whether that’s a marathon binge-watch session or enduring an endless string of misfortunes.
Perception (Per): 1.08
Shows your awareness of the environment and sensitivity to subtle details. This stat comes in handy for spotting hidden dangers—or for noticing the empty beer cans scattered around after a wild night out.
***
Malick couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Sure, his bad luck was steadily climbing like a runaway roller coaster, but at least he had a clear numerical snapshot. If only he could somehow invest a few extra points in charisma or intelligence, maybe things would finally start looking up. Until then, he’d just have to live with the score—and occasionally dream of a System update that might grant him a “Reroll Luck” option.
Still, looking at the score, he was kind of pissed. “Come on, is my charisma really that low?” he grumbled, staring at the digits as if they were personally insulting him. Obviously, nobody likes being told they’re below average—especially when it’s laid out in black and white for all to see. But that’s just how averages work, isn’t it? Somebody’s got to be below it, and Malick was clearly holding that dubious honor.
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He scoffed at his reflection on the matter. “If charm were currency, I’d be bankrupt,” he mused. Maybe it was time to invest in a charisma potion or enroll in a crash course on ‘How to Be Charming and Win Friends.’ After all, in a world where even a malfunctioning chatbot might score higher on the charm scale, Malick’s deficiencies were almost laughable.
He imagined a future update to his stat sheet—a shiny new patch that might bump his charisma up by a few points. Until then, though, he’d have to endure the awkward stares, the misinterpreted jokes, and the general lack of sparkle in his social interactions. With a bitter chuckle and a shake of his head, Malick accepted that while being below average in charisma wasn’t the end of the world-still it kinda sucked.
***
He decided, “Alright, sure, my stats aren’t that great, but I must have some pretty awesome skills, right?” With that thought, he hit the expand button and checked out his skills list:
SKILLS
Board Games: Good
Because every master strategist knows that dominating a round of Settlers of Calgary is the first step toward world domination—or at least a fun night with friends.
Alcohol Tolerance: Above Average
An essential skill for surviving your own misadventures. After all, if you can’t hold your liquor, how are you supposed to keep your head together the next morning?
Firearms: Above Average
Not to be confused with your ability to fire off sarcastic comments. When it comes to actual shooting, your aim is almost as sharp as your wit—almost.
Tactics & Strategy: Excellent
Whether you’re plotting your next bar crawl or orchestrating a full-scale escape from a karaoke disaster, your mind is a well-oiled machine. On good days, at least.
Hand-to-Hand Combat: Good
Better than average, even if you’d rather settle disputes with a well-timed quip than a fistfight. Still, when push comes to shove, you can throw a punch—or at least deliver a mildly inconvenient tap.
Survival Skills: Above Average
You can thrive in the wild with nothing but a can of expired beer and a questionable map, proving that sometimes, sheer stubbornness beats common sense.
Computers & Hacking: Decent (Self-Taught)
The digital realm is your playground, even if your hacking skills sometimes resemble frantic button-mashing more than calculated genius.
Explosives Handling: Average (Knows just enough to be dangerous)
You’ve got that delicate balance down—enough knowledge to handle a stick of dynamite without turning it into a one-man fireworks show. Usually.
Historical Knowledge (Military): Excellent
When someone brings up military history, you can wax poetic with the fervor of a drill sergeant—even if your own life battles usually end with ordering takeout.
Pop Culture Trivia: Exceptional
From 90s sitcoms to cult classic movies, your brain is a vault of obscure facts that never fail to impress—or bewilder—the people around you.
Sarcasm: Master Level
This is your true superpower. With a razor-sharp tongue and a quip always at the ready, you can defuse any awkward moment or just leave people scratching their heads.
Piloting (Drones): Good
You can maneuver a drone like a pro—assuming the drone isn’t as confused as your life sometimes appears.
Piloting (Vehicles): Average
You get from point A to point B without too many mishaps, though a few fender benders here and there do little to boost your reputation.
Cooking (Rations & Campfire Meals): Above Average
In the wilderness, your campfire cooking skills are surprisingly competent. Who knew that gourmet meals could be whipped up with duct tape and determination?
Improvisation: Excellent (Can MacGyver a solution out of duct tape and sheer willpower)
When life throws you a curveball, you’re ready with a roll of duct tape and a wild idea, turning potential disasters into mildly amusing escapades.
Weapon Maintenance: Above Average
You keep your gear in decent shape—partly because replacing it is a pain, and partly because you’ve learned that neglect usually leads to unexpected explosions.
Gaming (FPS & Strategy): Exceptional (Claims it’s “training”)
In the virtual world, you’re a force to be reckoned with. You insist that every match is just “training for real life,” even if your real-life battles are more about dodging spilled beer than taking down enemies.
Memorizing Obscure Facts: Excellent
Whether it’s trivia about ancient civilizations or the plot twists of a cult classic movie, your memory for the random and obscure is nothing short of impressive.
***
He couldn’t help but be happy about the list of skills. Unlike the stat sheet—which served as a brutal reminder of every screw-up and misfortune—the skills list featured only the things he did above average. He was pretty chuffed to see that he possessed some genuinely useful talents. “I guess my time in the military before I left really helped me out,” he thought with a half-smile, even as his head pounded with the remnants of last night’s misadventures. He even found himself wondering what his life might have been like if he hadn’t been so unlucky and had stayed in the military—maybe he’d be a decorated hero instead of a serial breakfast skipper. But that was a thought for another time.
There was plenty to ponder about these skills, yet at that moment the most important question was what to eat. Sure, he had a massive hangover and really didn’t want to leave his house, but he knew that a big, greasy breakfast might be just the power-up he needed. The idea of a plate piled high with bacon, eggs, and all the fixings practically danced before his eyes. “Musttttt get food,” he muttered, half in despair and half in desperate hope that a hearty meal would rescue him from his current hungover state.
At least there was the discovery of the System—a digital interface that had kick-started his brain, making the hangover and nausea seem to almost fade into the background. In that moment, even as the world spun around him, the promise of leveling up (and a delicious breakfast) was too enticing to ignore.