I seem to be sobering up the longer I’m in the car with Will, or at least I'm less drunk.

We’ve been travelling for the best part of an hour, but I’m still no closer to figuring out our destination. It seems like we’re in the middle of nowhere when Will stops into a little pullout on some kind of abandoned road, there’s not a light in view bar the headlamps of his car. Turning off the engine, he plunges us into darkness. I step out onto road to get a better look at my surroundings, more curious now than ever.

"This way," Will says, motioning to me as the car door shuts behind him. He walks in the opposite direction, leading me towards some trees. The low rustling sound of leaves makes it seem as though they’re whispering to us as we make our way through. It should probably feel creepy, but not with Will.

"Where are we?" I ask, swatting a branch out of my face.

"You'll see," he says. "You'll love it, trust me."

"Trust you? That sounds ominous."

"You wouldn't have got out of the car if you didn't Isobel."

I can still hear the humour laced in his voice as I traipse behind him.

"Well, you did promise to take me home and instead were here," I point out. "Wait, is this your first strike?"

"I didn't say I'd take you straight home, so no. No strikes for me just yet."

Will stops as he reaches the edge of some bushes, letting the moonlight settle on his face and light up all of his features. I'm so busy staring at him that it takes me a minute to realise where we are.

The sound of the water hits me first. It must be the fish jumping through the surface, because otherwise the water is so still that it resembles a sheet of ice. With all the greenery hanging so low I couldn't see it at first, but now I know exactly where we are.

"Shadow Lake," I say aloud.

"You've been here before?"

"Yeah, my family came here all the time when we were kids."

Will walks us right out to the edge of the water, laying down a picnic blanket on the grass. I hadn't noticed him carrying it.

"I suppose you just happen to have one of those in your car huh?" I ask pointedly.

"You don't?"

I do actually, so he has me there.

Standing by the lakeside, I take in how pretty the water is with the moon reflecting off of it. It’s been years since I've been out here, but it still looks the exact same.

Will steps up behind me, placing a hoodie over my shoulders. "Don't want you catching a chill out here," he says. It's far from cold, but as soon as I catch his scent off the fabric, I wrap it around me that bit tighter.

"Watch out!" he warns as he suddenly grips my arms and pretends to push me into the water. I let out a strangled yelp before he pulls me back, laughing to himself. He keeps a hold of me, snaking his arms around my waist from behind and hugging me closer to him.

"So before you ask," he says softly, "No, I don't bring other women here, and I never have. I also have no expectations while we're here either, I just wanted more time with you Izzy. Is that okay?"

I nod my head. The feeling of his skin touching mine leaves me with a tingling sensation. My eyes softly close, savouring it before he speaks again.

"And, the reason you're going to feel foolish about the whole thing with the supply closet is because I once got so drunk that I fell asleep in there, that's why Dan was so aggravated when he saw me."

I turn my head so I can see him.

"You're serious?"

"As a heart attack. I woke up the next morning when the cleaner came in. I was so stiff that I couldn't lift my guitar strap over my head for a week! Poor Dan got his ass handed to him over it, he was the one who locked up the bar the night before. It was a couple years ago now but, he still holds a grudge."

"Oh. Um... I..."

"You're sorry?," he says for me. "Thank you, I accept your apology."

Will is beaming from ear to ear in a way that would be grossly arrogant from anyone else.

Thankfully, he doesn't gloat too much and gestures for me to take a seat on the blanket.

"In my defence," I say as I sit down, "both of our sisters consider you a bit of a man-whore, so I think it could have went either way."

Will finds my revelation hilarious.

"Wait they said that? Both of them?"

"Yes! They say they've never seen the same girl around you twice. I thought I was joining a long list of names."

"I'm a little offended you don't trust that you might know me better than that," he says as he plonks himself down beside me.

"Know you better than your own sister? After so little time?"

"Fair point. And I suppose in a way shes not wrong, but she's not entirely right either. Her or Sarah. There's plenty of girls I've seen more than once."

"Plenty?" I ask.

"Several. But that part doesn't matter, the point I'm making is that it's not a constant rotation like they'd have you believe."

"So you do date?"

Wills eyes shift to the side as I notice his body stiffen.

"I... yeah, I mean, not exclusively," he says, "but it's not like I'd simply have a girl over for the night and never see her again. Maybe sometimes, but I'm not a complete asshole."

"Okay, but how come none of these girls have made it past the dating stage?"

"It wasn't for me," he says with a shrug.

"Which one? The girls or the relationship?"

"Seems to be both," he says, trying to laugh it off, but I see his smile fade as he stares off out at the lake, looking like the weight of the world just fell on his shoulders.

I don't push him anymore on it. I may be putting two and two together here and getting six, but I think the life Will leads now has a lot to do with how things ended with his ex girlfriend, and it's not my place to pry for that information, as much as I might want to. Instead we sit and enjoy the lake together, neither of us feeling the need to fill in the quiet.

I like being here with him, but this whole thing is a mess. What happened tonight was completely wrong, I cheated on Jamie, regardless of what spin I put on it. Yet when I look at Will, I feel a whole lot less guilty about it.

If anything, the fact he just told me that he doesn't want any kind of relationship should hammer that final nail in the coffin for me. I made a choice with Jamie to see this through. And I know if I keep messing around with Will, there won't be anything there with Jamie to salvage.

Will obviously doesn't want the future I want. I may not be sure if I want marriage or kids or anything yet, but I know I don't want to end things with Jamie just to become another notch on Wills bedpost.

A sudden thought pops into my head. Oh god, is that what we're really doing here? To continue what we started earlier? I can't do that now! How do I tell him I've changed my mind? Will he be angry at me?

"I told you I had no expectations coming here Izzy," he says, breaking the silence and almost making me jump out of my skin. "I can feel your panic from over here. All I want is to be in your company, like I said already."

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"How did you know what I was thinking?," I ask.

That's the second time tonight he's guessed it. Am I that much of an open book?

"You scrape at your nail beds when you're worried about something," he says, "I noticed it the day I met you. I took an educated guess at what that worry might be right now."

Looking down at my hands, I realise the skin around my nails is now raw. I'm in desperate need of a manicure. Balling my fists tight, I tuck them into the pockets of his hoodie so that I can't continue the self mutilation.

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "It's just th-"

"It's just that you regret what happened tonight, and you feel bad that you did it and you don't want it to happen again," he says. "I get it, but please don't beat yourself up about it Izzy, it changes nothing."

Wills kindness is still something I'm not quite used to. He's the sweetest guy I think I've ever met, although he hasn't got it all quite right.

"I don't regret it," I correct him.

"No?"

"Not at all. I feel bad, and I fucked up and I feel like a slut right now, but no, I don't regret it."

"You're not a slut Izzy," he says. "I put you in a bad position and I shouldn't have. I should've let you walk back down those stairs and nothing would have happened. So if you don't want anything like that to happen again, then it won't."

Will gives me a sad smile before reaching for my hand and squeezing it between his fingers.

"I thought you were going to hate me," I say.

"Hate you because you want to be loyal to your boyfriend? No matter how much I dislike him, or want you, I don't think I could be mad at you for that."

How can any one person be this perfect?

"That's a relief," I whisper, trying to swallow down the emotions that have bubbled their way up.

All my worries simmer down and I try to relax and enjoy being here with Will for now. Although I do feel like I have to make one more thing clear to him.

"Will, just so you know, I have never ever cheated before. I know you said that you don't think I'm a slut or whatever I said, but I still need you to know, it's not something I go around doing, it's just..."

He squeezes my hand again. "I know, I'm just really special." A stupid smirk spreads across his face as I roll my eyes.

"You're such an ass," I say, pushing him away as he laughs at me.

The funny thing is, there really is something special about Will. It emulates from him. I've known him such a short amount of time and yet he knows my deepest secret. And better still, he doesn't treat me any differently for it. He's seen me at my most vulnerable, panicking on the street, and not once did he make me feel like he felt sorry for me. He pushed me through it. There’s never any sympathising looks or attempts to wrap me in cotton wool. He wants me to expect better for myself. He's angry for me, and that feels so much better than sad.

Will clears his throat, and I look up to find a solemn expression on his face.

"So look," he says, "I'd like it if we could be friends, but I've got to ask, how would that even work Izzy? A friendship between you and Annie is one thing, I'm an entirely different story I imagine."

I sigh and let my head rest into my hands. This is just another complication in a long line of them. I think back to Zach, and what an innocent text message brought his way. Would it really be any different with Will?

"I did kind of tell him about you" I admit. "I mentioned you as Annie's brother though, I didn't get into any kind of detail."

Will tilts his head a little and picks at a blade of grass beside him. I understand his caution, but at the same time, this is crazy. I told Jamie that he wouldn't be deciding what I do anymore, that includes choosing my friends. He's going to have to suck it up and accept the things and the people I want in my life. Like it or not.

"Y'know what?," I say, straightening myself up, "Let me deal with Jamie. This was all part of the deal if I went back, I decide who I see."

"Izzy, as much as I admire that, please don't put yourself into a risky situation for this, I don't want anything happening to you because of me, it's not worth it."

I'm torn between wanting to defend Jamie and the promises he's made to change, and also wanting to reassure Will as his last few words sink in. I go with the latter.

"You are worth it Will," I tell him. “I'll look after it."

Will scoots himself closer to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder as I rest my head on his chest. "The most important thing to me is that you stay safe," he whispers quietly.

"I will," I reply, hoping that it's the truth.

♾️

Will and I sat on the blanket like that and talked for what felt like hours. I asked him a million questions about his life.

He told me how he broke his foot in the forth grade and then lied to his parents about it. He said he tripped over a curb, but in reality he and some buddy's were jumping off a friends garage and he didn't want to get anyone in trouble. He mentioned that he doesn't like mayonnaise, not for the taste or the texture, but for the fact he saw a deli worker drop a dirty cloth into it once and they didn't change it out. He hasn't eaten it since.

He's never tried calamari. Or had a professional massage despite constant muscle pain in his shoulders. He called his pet goldfish flounder, and cried for two days when it died. His birthday is May forth. He's never watched Star Wars but smiles like he understands when people say 'may the forth be with you' on the day anyway.

I soaked up every scrap of information that he gave me, saving them into my memory like little treasures.

At some point my eyes started to drift closed and he wanted to take me home, I wanted to stay. Part of me was afraid that this would be the last time I'd get to be alone with him like this. Another part thought that it should be.

He dropped me off at the corner near my apartment block, waiting until I got inside. Within seconds I got a text message to say goodnight.

I already missed him.

♾️

I slept half the day away before Jamie gently knocked on the bedroom door and poked his head in to wake me.

"Hey," he says gently, "it's almost noon. Would you like to go get some lunch?"

I almost wish he was mad at me or something right now just so I didn't feel so bad about last night. How messed up is that? I knew this feeling of shame would come and eat me up, but I don't think I was fully prepared for it.

For a second I wonder if this is what he felt like when he cheated, but I've no sense of justification, or feeling that I've levelled the playing field. Relationships aren't about an eye for an eye. I gave him a hard time for the exact same thing I did last night, and I feel like dirt because of it.

I contemplate just coming out and telling him, wondering what might happen if I did. Would he yell at me? Would he hurt me? I've never done anything this bad before... could he kill me?

Alright, that's a bit dramatic, but even still, I decide it's not worth finding out anyway. I'm a little hungover and a lot emotional about it, so maybe today isn't the best day for big decisions.

I agree to lunch and drag myself to the shower, trying to wash every bit of betrayal from my memory, but it's no use, I don't think I could ever forget last night. I don't think I want to.

Before we leave I decide to send Will a message. I spend ten minutes agonising over what to say. I probably don't even need to say much at all, but I want to make sure we're still cool now that the sun has come up. I settle on a 'hope you got some sleep last night' conversation starter and grab my bag, quickly deleting the sent message just incase.

Jamie and I go to a nearby restaurant, I can't stomach much so I just order the largest possible black coffee they have. He isn't overly curious about last night, which is a relief. He only asks if I had a good time and wonders how late I got home at, I'm glad to know I didn't stir him.

I suggest that we take a walk around the park after lunch, and at one point Jamie reaches for my hand. I let him have it. I know it's because I feel guilty, and not because I want to, in fact it makes me break out into a clammy sweat, but I owe him this much, don't I?

"You're really quiet today Iz," he says, "Is the hangover that bad?"

"Oh, no. I'm just tired I think, late night."

"You're not worried about tomorrow are you?"

Christ. I haven't had a single thought about going to my dads house until now. That's another wave of anxiety that I could do without.

"I'm trying not to think about it too much," I say, "I'm not looking forward to it."

"It'll be fine, I'll be there the whole time, he never has much to say anyway"

"Exactly, I never know what he expects from me. I feel like he only wants to physically see me so he knows I'm alive and then he can fulfil whatever parental duty he thinks he has until next time."

"You and Charlie are complicated Iz," Jamie says, "at this point you should be restricting visits to the holidays like all the other messed up families."

My eyes light up at the idea.

"Y'know, it's not often you say the right thing Jamie, but this could really be your moment."

"Just don't tell him it was my idea," he jokes.

"Ah yes, the great Charlie Tully, striking fear into boyfriends and male companions of his daughters since lord knows when. I don't know how he does it."

"Hey," Jamie says, puffing out his chest like he's some kind of pro wrestler, "I'm not afraid of him."

"I'll tell him you said that..."

"He'd have to want to talk to you first."

"Oh, you traitor!," I say with giggle. What a wise ass.

These are the moments I enjoy most with Jamie. The effortless ones.

We walk the park a little longer, stopping for some ice cream, my hangover becomes a lot more bearable after some air. Afterward, we head home and I get some chores out of the way before we decide to watch a movie. By eight p.m., exhaustion catches up with me and I can't fight my desire to go to bed any longer.

Jamie is sweet, giving me nothing more than a kiss across my knuckles. I was worried that giving him my hand earlier might have given him the wrong idea, but I was wrong. He knows me, he knows I'm not ready for anything more.

In the privacy of the bedroom, I double check my phone, finding messages from both Will and Annie.

Annie: Hey! Hope you enjoyed last night? Will said it was one of his best shows! Let me know your schedule next week, if you're around you could come over to the bar one of the evenings? I've got some ideas I'd love to show you! Call me tomorrow! Xx

I make a mental note to give her a call after my dads tomorrow to organise something. I'm intrigued by all her new plans for the bar.

Will: Hi :) , yeah I got plenty of sleep! I chilled with Annie at the bar for the day. And by that I mean she hounded me about colour charts and seat covers. I think this menu update has spread to the whole place. What did you say to her about cocktails!?

I reply to him, glad that nothing has changed.

Izzy: Oh this sounds interesting! I hope she goes with my idea! I'm already climbing back into bed here, looks like I'm far too old for late nights. You must be SUPER tired if thats that case!

Will: She's obsessed with your opinion, she probably already has a drink named after you. Low blow on the old thing by the way, you obviously just wore yourself out somehow last night...

Crap, he's flirting with me.

Izzy: Sure... somehow. I thought we agreed to forget about that? And the flirting!!

Will: Forget about it? I don't remember that agreement. There's no way I'll be forgetting it Isobel. Also, I agreed not to let anything happen again, that was it, I said nothing about not flirting with you.

Oh god, I'm screwed.

Izzy: Is this your kink? Torture?

Will: You'll find out... goodnight x.

Izzy: night... x

I guess he never did say he'd go easy on me. That's fine, he can play that game all he wants. All I have to do is control myself.

I can easily do that.