Annie and I step out of the elevator together. My heart is racing so fast that I can feel my pulse all the way to the tips of my fingers.

"My brother will kill me when he finds out I let you do this," she whispers, her voice still managing to carry throughout the corridor.

"He'll kill me when he finds out that I brought you along," I counter, keeping my eyes trained in front of me.

Nausea builds in my stomach as we stop outside the apartment door. We’re here now though, might as well keep going. Twisting my key in the lock, I push the door open and quickly punch in the alarm code. “System disarmed,” the little robotic voice states. It’s sets off a timer in my head and I remind Annie that Jamie is only a thirty minute drive away, so we need to be quick incase he spots that alarm notification.

"Not a problem," she says as she explores her new surroundings. "Wow, nice place, it's huge!"

"You think?," I ask, "It's very boyish right?"

"Modern," she says. "Isn't that what they say about men's decor?"

Who knows? Not me anyway. All I know is that I wasn't allowed to touch it.

I move toward to the bedroom with Annie following me close behind. My attention is drawn to the bed as soon as I walk in. It's not even made. I hate how untidy it looks.

As I fish out the paperwork that Carol needs from the bottom drawer of my bedside locker, Annie holds back her laughter as she picks up on my gripe with the sheets.

"You want to make that bed don't you?," she asks.

"Oh god Annie, I really do. Is that weird? I always make sure it’s done before I leave, I like it to be neat!"

"You go nuts there babe, maybe he'll think it's some kind of psychological game you're playing."

"Yeah, or maybe he'll just think that he has me really well trained."

I decide to leave it alone.

I need a bag for all of the paperwork, so I grab a satchel from my wardrobe and tuck the pile of papers safely in there. Throwing my eye over my clothes, I go ahead and start pulling out some bits and pieces that I want to take with me.

"You need me to do anything?," Annie asks from the en-suite. She’s in there taking a sniff from one of my perfume bottles. I’m glad she’s decided to make herself at home.

"Yes please. Can you get a black sack from the kitchen? My suitcase is tiny so I’ll need to throw a few things into one. They're in the press under the sink.”

“Sure thing,” she says.

As Annie rushes off to the kitchen, I pull out some outfits for the next couple of days. My mind thinks ahead to Wills show on Friday. What am I going to wear to that?

Separating some hangers, I spot a cute olive green top that I haven't worn in awhile. I take it out, hoping it still looks as good on as I remember. My favourite black jeans are hanging in the same spot as always, and there’s no doubt that they’re coming with me. Selecting a few more options, I add them to a small pile on the bed. I begin to wonder if Annie is having trouble finding the bags until I hear her call me from down the hall.

"Hey Izzy,” she says, “if you thought the bed was annoying, you should see the kitchen. It's a mess!"

"Really? That doesn't sound like Jamie,"

I follow the sound of her voice down the hallway and through the living room. Everything looks okay in here, but then I reach the kitchen.

You’ve got to be kidding me! Mess is an understatement.

Dishes sit piled high in the sink while boxes of cereal and pasta are strewn across the counter. There’s discarded food wrappers and cutlery literally everywhere. If I had left this mess for him, instead of the few dishes I did leave, I'd probably be in a coma right now.

I explain the irony of it all to Annie as we go back into the bedroom to pack my things. Her face twists into a grimace at some of the details.

"Oh Izzy,” she says, “that's awful.” Dropping the sack that she’s half packed onto the floor, Annie steps her way over it and wraps her arms around me. "I've wanted to do this all day," she whispers.

Loosening her hold, she leans back to look at me. "Are you sure you won't consider-"

Her face suddenly pales as she goes silent.

"Consider what?," I ask, baffled by her sudden grip on my hand. Is she having an aneurism or something?

"Shhh!," she says, "did you hear that?"

I pause, listening for whatever Annie can hear… and then it comes.

The scraping sound of a key entering the barrel is almost amplified as Annie and I lock eyes.

How did he get here so fast? There's no conceivable way. Terror grips my chest as Annie takes a hold of my arms. What do we do? Why would I be stupid enough to come here?

"It's okay Izzy," Annie says with a hushed tone, "look at me, it's okay. It's just a coincidence. We can leave. He won't hurt you."

I nod my head at her words, but I’m not fully convinced that either of us have a reason to actually believe them.

Annie grips my arms tighter, forcing me look at her. “I promise,” she says, “I wont let him touch you Izzy." I like her bravado, but the tremor I can feel in her hand gives her away.

I hold my breath as the front door pushes open and we hear Jamie step inside. His footsteps soon grow quiet. I imagine he’s standing in-front of the alarm panel, wondering why it’s not beeping at him to enter our disarm code like it usually does. I can just about sense his confusion.

Rather than waiting for him to find us here, I decide that it’s best to make ourselves known. That way he can’t claim that he thought there was an intruder here if things go south. Annie pulls on my hand as I slowly step towards the door of the bedroom.

“I’m right behind you,” she whispers.

Trying to keep my cool, I walk down the hallway towards him.

"Hello?” Jamies voice echos throughout the apartment with an air of worry. He really didn’t know I was here.

"It's me," I reply as I reach the corner near the doorway and enter his sight.

"Izzy..."

He breaths a sigh of relief and moves towards me, but Annie isn’t about to take that risk.

"Don't come closer!," she warns as she steps between us. "We're leaving. She just wanted some of her things."

"Who are you?," Jamie asks her.

"She's a friend," I tell him. I dont want him to know a thing about my plans or who they may be with, he already knows too much. "I had to get some clothes Jamie, that was all."

I take a second to look him over. He's standing there in-front of me in one of his favourite suits, but he looks completely dishevelled. His shirt is crinkled, his tie has come loose, and that stubble must be at least two days old. He's looks dreadful.

Jamie places the fast food bag that he’s holding onto the console table before taking a small step back.

"Sure, that’s fine," he says, "I'm not going to stop you Izzy. But, before you go, do you think we could talk for a minute?"

"No," Annie says definitively.

I see a flash of annoyance briefly cross Jamies face before it disappears just as quick.

"I'm really just here to get my things Jamie,” I say as my eyes wash over him again. I barely recognise the person he is right now. He looks Ill.

“Okay, I understand Iz. I won’t get in your way.”

Jamie steps back toward the door, willing to let us go. I watch him the whole time, unable to stop myself from asking a question I shouldn't even care about.

“Are you alright Jamie?”

Before he can answer, Annie leans in to me.

"I'm going to get your things from the bedroom so we can go alright? I'll be one minute," she says. She turns her head and takes a quick look at Jamie before she steps away and moves back down the hall towards the bedroom.

There's an awkward chill between Jamie and I that I oddly feel the need to fill.

"That's my friend Annie. She came to help me," I tell him. "I didn't think you'd be here."

I'm almost apologetic about my intrusion, why am I always like this around him.

"I left work early," he admits, "I couldn't concentrate."

Jamies voice is weighted, sounding as depressive as he looks, but there's no pleasure in it for me, I don't like to see him this way.

"Izzy, do you think you can you give me a few minutes? I need to explain."

"I don't really care what you need Jamie," I say defiantly, not wanting to give an inch.

His eyes glisten as he swallows my words. He's not familiar with this side of me. Normally I'm ready and waiting for any and all of his excuses, but not this time.

"Iz," he whispers, looking wounded, "I'm begging you. Just ten minutes, after that you can leave and never see me again if that's what you want."

“Why? So you can lie to me about what you did?”

“No. I want to explain everything. There’s things you don’t know, stuff that’s been going on for awhile that I couldn’t tell you. I’m begging you Izzy, please just hear me out.”

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

I find myself contemplating it. I certainly have enough questions of my own that could easily fill those ten minutes. More than that, I think this is the time for me to tell Jamie that we're finished. No break, no time apart. We're done.

"Fine," I say, "ten minutes, and then I'll never see you again."

Without waiting for a reaction from him, I head back to the bedroom to ask Annie if she minds waiting for me in her car. Needless to say, she's not happy at all.

"That's an awful idea Izzy, what if he hurts you?"

"He wouldn't be that stupid Annie, not with you waiting downstairs for me. I need to get this over with. I have to tell him that it's really over this time and then I'm out of here."

"You don't owe him that time Izzy."

"I know I don't. But I do owe myself something. I have a lot of questions that I need answered too. He's not the only one hurting and he needs to see that."

"I'm sure he can already see it," she says.

"Please Annie? If I'm not down soon, or if you don't hear from me, you can come straight back up."

"I think you're crazy, but okay. Ten minutes and no more, I’ll be counting."

"Sure," I agree, "and thank you".

Annie pushes past Jamie at the front door with my bags in hand. She stares him down, unwilling to let him think for even a second that she’s intimidated by him.

"Ten minutes," she says, looking at Jamie, "and you keep your hands to yourself."

Jamie is taken aback by Annies hostility, so he pointlessly try's to turn on his charm.

"Thank you, Annie was it? I assure you though, there's nothing to worry about," he says. "I can promise, nothing like that is ever going to happen again."

Jamie eyeballs me as he says that last part, but I've heard it before.

Annie chooses to ignore him entirely, addressing me instead.

"You call me if you need me Izzy."

"I will, thanks so much Annie, I’ll be down in a bit."

As she steps out, Jamie closes the door behind her, turning his attention to me.

"She seems nice," he says, forcing a smile. I know him better than that though. He hates women like Annie. He calls them brash.

"She is," I agree, "she's great actually."

He studies the space between us, unhappy with how close to the door we are.

"Can we sit down?"

Leading the way to the living room, I make sure to sit in the armchair so he can't place himself beside me. He's already calculated that move though, and sits down on the edge of the coffee table right in front of me. He always finds a way to make things work for him, even something as simple as this.

"I can't tell you how much I hate myself for what I did Iz."

"I can't tell you how much I hate you either," I deliver coldly.

Jamie stares down at the floor, gently nodding his head. "I deserve that,” he says. “I deserve a lot worse from you actually. I wish more than anything that I could take it back. I don't know what came over me."

"I'll tell you what came over you shall I?," I ask, "Cocaine. I don't know how I couldn't tell that you were high that night Jamie. I mean what were you even thinking? Drugs? Prostitutes?”

A lump forms in my throat as I recall everything his father said, and it takes everything I have not to walk out of here this very second. “How many times have you slept with someone else Jamie? Should I be getting tested?

"No!," he insists, "Not at all, Iz I wasn't with anyone!"

"Oh please! Your dad said-"

"What my dad said is bullshit Izzy. I'd never do that."

"No, you'd just supply the opportunity for your whole team apparently. Do you think I'm that stupid?"

"I was not with any of those women Izzy. I’ve never been with anyone else, why would I need to be?"

“Never?” I ask, my tone reminding him that we both know that’s a lie.

“You know what I mean,” he says, “I promised you it would never happen again and it hasn’t.”

This is pointless, we're going to remain in this ridiculous back and forth all night because Jamie won't admit to what he did and I can't prove it. It’s not what I agreed to this talk for. I have things I need to know.

"What happened to the girl that night?," I ask.

"What girl?"

"The one who went to the hospital Jamie. Did you do something to her?"

"What? Is that honestly what you think of me? That I just walk around hurting women?"

He even has the audacity to look offended.

"Well I have to assume that if you can do it to me, that you could do it to anyone. I can't possibly be that special Jamie."

He sighs, clearly hurt, but I doubt he feels even half as bad as I do.

"One of the guys was with her in the bathroom," he says. "She was new to it all and took too much stuff. That's what happened. We tried to bring her around, but she was too far gone and so we had to call her an ambulance. She was fine the next day, she walked out of the hospital with a spring in her step and a healthy sum in her pocket too, it won't be her last rodeo."

I don't understand how he can be so uncaring, that girl could have died.

"Did your dad pay her off?," I ask.

"Yes. And before you say it, I know how that looks. Actually I know how it is. Izzy, that night was the stupidest thing I've ever done. All of it, especially what happened after I got home."

I think about some of the things he said to me that night. How vicious he was. But as I sit here looking at him now, I don't see that person at all. He seems lost.

"What you did changed things Jamie," I say.

"I get that. I do... Izzy I don't even know how it got so out of hand. What I did was unforgivable, I can't sleep from thinking about it."

"Wow. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with that," I say flatly, crossing my arms over my chest. How could he possibly think that I want to hear about the hard time that he's having?

"No that's not what I meant," he says. "It’s you that I can’t stop thinking about. I keep seeing your face… how afraid of me you were… I can’t stand that I did that to you.”

"In that moment or in general?,” I ask.

“What?”

I stare back at him, allowing my silence to hold the room. Jamie narrows his eyes, his confusion turning to realisation as the seconds pass.

“You’re afraid of me.” A statement. One I’m surprised he isn’t already aware of.

“No,” I reply, “I’m petrified of you Jamie. Every hour of every day I live on edge, worried that I might set you off. I’m always considering my safest option. I have to analyse everything I do, and every word I say to you, making sure I choose whatever is least likely to get me hurt. You are not the safest option. I can’t choose you this time.”

“You can Iz. You can trust me, I swear this time will be different!”

“How? How will it be different Jamie? You won’t change.”

"It's different because I see it now, I really do. I can't keep hurting you. I hate that I ever did.

I even told my dad to shove the idea of me taking over the company, I won't do it. You’re what matters to me."

"What did the company have to do with any of this?”

Jamie drops his gaze to the floor.

"I need to tell you the whole truth Izzy,” he says. “I haven’t been honest with you. The thing is, my dad has been putting me under an insane amount of pressure this last while. He’s where the whole marriage idea came from in the first place. He wants us to settle down and have some kids, all in the name of the company. He's been hounding me about it for months."

Jamies father is the only person in the world who can make him feel as though he’s unimportant. There’s countless times where he’s agreed to projects he doesn't quite approve of, or to plans he doesn’t think will work just to keep his father happy. He follows his every word, but I thought that control only applied to their working relationship. I never for a second thought that Jamie would let Tom make decisions in our life.

"He wants me to take over soon,” he continues, “and there's a certain image that comes with that. It's all about what the investors want to see, the type of person they envision running things. They want the image my dad has created. The family man. It all just got too much, and then when you told me that you never wanted to get married, I freaked out. I didn’t know how I was going to tell him.”

Jamie drops his head into his hands as his shoulders begin to shake under the weight of his sobs.

“I don’t know why I let this happen Iz. I think I got sucked into the idea of having it all. Somewhere down the line, I forgot that it should be about what we want."

"Why didn't you tell me Jamie?,” I ask him. “I could have helped, you're supposed to tell me things, that's the point of a partner."

I suddenly feel so conflicted. Obviously Jamie holds his share of the blame, but why would Tom do that? Why wouldn’t his son’s happiness be the most important thing?

"We never really talked about getting married before Iz," he says with a shrug. "I didn't want the first time we discussed it to be because my dad wanted us to do it."

"But what did you want Jamie?"

He sits quietly as he thoughtfully ponders that question.

"I guess I hadn't given it much thought Iz,” he finally says. “I figured we were happy just being us. I mean, I always assumed that getting married was something we'd do eventually, but if none of this had happened and you had told me that you didn't want it, I would have been okay with that.”

As he looks up at me with tears in his eyes, I begin to wonder what our life would have been like if he were always this person. If he had just told me the truth from the start, maybe this whole thing could have been avoided. But I fear it's too late now.

"I'll never be able to apologise enough for what I’ve done to you Izzy," he says. "Especially the other night. I know I embarrassed you."

My eyes widen with shock. "Embarrassed me?," I ask him. "Jamie you humiliated me! I've never felt so small in my whole life. What you did was disgusting, you betrayed our whole relationship."

Jamie slides himself off the coffee table, hunkering down in front of me and taking my hands.

"I'll get help," he says.

"No."

"I'll see a therapist, I'll do what ever you need me to do. I promise Izzy, it won't ever happen again."

"I know it wont, because I won't be here for it to happen."

I get up from the chair to leave, but Jamie grasps at my hands, sinking to his knees.

"No no no, Izzy please, I'm begging you here look at me, please. When have you ever known me to beg? I'm here and that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm begging you. You are the love of my life and I couldn't live with myself if I fucked it all up that much. I know I don't deserve the chance to prove it and I should have done something the very first time it happened, but I can fix it. I can fix myself. You just have to let me try Izzy. Please?"

Staring down at him as he pleads with me, I realise that what he's saying should sound pathetic. It should, but it doesn't. I love him. I hate it, but I do love him. I never thought for a second that I could possibly understand any of his reasons or sympathise with him, and yet somehow I find myself doing just that.

Insane thoughts swirl through my mind about what it might be like if I were to come back. Could it really be different?

"Please don't leave me Izzy," he begs.

For a split second I think of Will, I'm not even sure why, I've only known him for a matter of days. I solemnly recall what Annie said earlier about him sleeping around, and remind myself that I really don't know anything about who he is as a person. He shouldn't be any kind of factor in this. I should be thinking about myself and what I want.

"I can't Jamie," I say as I try to pull my hands away. "I can't do this anymore."

My voice breaks as tears I didn't even know I had left begin to sting my eyes.

Jamie stands, wiping at my face as he cups my cheeks in his hands.

"Don't cry Iz, please. I know this is all kinds of messed up, it's not what you signed up for and I owe you a world of happiness for what I've done, but please, please let me try make it all up to you. I know you can't forget any of it, but I can change, I can make what we have into something you'll be proud of. I know I can."

Watching Jamies eyes pool over, I question if this might finally be his wake up call.

I imagine myself back here. I imagine him sticking to his promises and never laying a finger on me again. I imagine us finally being happy. I want that life with him.

If I do this, if I give him one last chance, could it be special? If he truly works on himself and stops trying to please his dad so much, could we possibly have everything we ever wanted?

Against my better judgement, I think that I’d like to take that chance for us. But it needs to be on my terms this time. No surprises.

I lean back from Jamie's touch, wanting to be sure I'm really heard when I say what I'm about to say to him.

"You have to do some anger management."

"Done,” he immediately reply’s without a second thought.

"I want you to stop putting your dads opinion first, stop hiding things from me."

"I've told him I don't want the company, it's over."

He moves closer to me, the hope in his voice rising.

"You can never do drugs again Jamie,” I warn him. “I'm serious, never. It's a deal breaker."

"That was the only time Iz, I swear. I don’t ever want to be like that again. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about how it made me behave."

"I want my own life back," I continue, "I want to choose the friends I have and the things I do myself."

"Your friends?," he asks furrowing his brows at me. This could be the one he struggles with.

"Jamie, I stopped doing all of the things that I love just to please you," I say. "I don’t want to have to do that anymore, I don't want to be questioned or hounded every time I leave the house, or wonder what version of you I'm coming home to. I need to be able to see my sister and not require your permission to do it. I want to be able to go out with friends. I want a normal life.”

"I... Izzy I never realised that I restricted your life that much... I’m so sorry."

Does he get it now? Does he finally understand what I've had to give up for him?

"Okay, sure," he agrees, nodding his head. "I want you to have all the friends you want. You sister, that girl Annie, whoever. You can do whatever you want Izzy, you won't have to be afraid to tell me anything."

I eye him cautiously. He sounds genuine, but can I trust him?

With no way to know unless I try, I go ahead deliver my last condition, wondering if it's one he can keep.

"Finally,” I say, “I need you to understand that this is the last time we will ever have this conversation. If you even so much as look at me with aggression, I'm gone."

Running his hands up my arms, Jamie’s looks me right in the eye. "I promise Iz," he says, "I will never ever touch you like that again. I'll look for help right this second if it keeps you with me."

Letting his words sit with me, I anguish over my decision, hoping that it’s the right one. I wish loving him came with a switch that I could turn off, but love doesn’t work like that. You feel it, even when you don’t want to.

"Alright," I tell him, "if you can do all of that, I'll come home."

Jamie's eyes light up as he attempts to pull me into a hug, but I put my hands out and stop him.

"I'll come home Jamie, but I'll be sleeping in the spare room until I see some meaningful change. I can't make myself share a bed with you right now."

He pauses, seeming a little surprised, but then he agrees.

"That's fair, I can’t ask you for anything more Iz. I'll take the spare room though, you shouldn’t have to. I’m going to prove that I can be a better man for you, no matter the cost.”

God, I really hope he means that.

With my plan of simply taking some clothes and leaving now turned on its head, I soon remember that Annie is downstairs waiting. I'm sure my ten minutes have passed by now, and I'm half afraid that she’ll be getting a baseball bat ready to come and meet Jamies skull if I don’t go fill her in.

“I better go let Annie know that my plans have changed before she flips out down there,” I say, picking up my keys. “I'm going to need to go and get my car from her place, and then I’ll need to go check out of the hotel."

"I'll take you," Jamie offers, but I feel I'll need this time to explain myself to Annie.

"No it's fine, I still have to settle the bill and pack my stuff, I can do it myself. I won’t be long, then when I get back we can talk some more."

"Alright, if that's what you'd prefer,” he says.

I offer up a tight lipped smile as some form of reassurance. He’s probably afraid that I’ll change my mind once I’m alone. I won’t pretend that I’m not thinking the same thing.

Jamie reaches out, taking my hand again before I leave.

"I can't believe I nearly lost you Izzy," he says, "I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

It feels strange to try and say those words back to him, so I choose to be honest instead.

"I can't say that back to you right now," I tell him, "not because I don't feel it, but because I need some time. Can you understand that?"

There’s no avoiding the hurt in his eyes, but he gets it all the same. I won’t hide my feelings in favour of his anymore. I want this to be everything I think it can be, so I need to move at my own pace. Going forward, I have to be completely honest with him, otherwise we'll end out right back where we started.

Leaving the apartment I intended on just visiting today, I make my way to the carpark to talk to Annie. I've known her and her brother less than a week and yet somehow I feel like I've been a gigantic hurricane in their lives.

I wouldn't blame them a single bit if they wanted to have nothing to do with me after all of this.