“We’re going to try the same thing we did yesterday,” Namu instructed.

He had Molly sitting at a desk with her arm out. She didn’t understand why it was always her arm they messed with.

“Are you ready?”

She was not. She hated this. She hadn’t thought that his training would involve him shoving her back into the ice-cold world of her mind to drown her. Did he even know what he was doing? Yesterday had been a disaster when he had tried to do it. He had to carry her to the nurse because she wouldn’t wake up after hitting her head on the floor, which was why she was sitting in a chair now. The whole thing scared her and made her not want to return today. She thought they were supposed to be building foundations, not forcing her into the one thing that broke her.

Molly wanted to text Kren to tell him someone was trying to teach her to protect herself, but it had been days since Molly had a new phone, and she still did not know how to get Kren’s number. She was too shy to ask anyone if they knew his number. She also realized he didn’t have any social media accounts. She would have to make him one and make herself a new one. She had rarely used hers before and since she had been at Lockdrest, never touched it at all because she didn’t want her family or anyone knowing she had made the decision to leave. Not yet.

She could only hope that if Kren hadn’t heard from her, he would come to the school to see if she was okay or demand to know why she wasn’t answering him.

Maybe then she could tell him about the door.

“Molly? Are you ready?”

“No,” she squeaked and accidentally jerked her arm away from Namu’s touch. “I mean… I just need a second.”

His eyebrows drew in, agitated. “I’ll pull back when it becomes too much. This isn’t like what happens to you out in the real world. I’m not going to take you over.”

But then why did it feel the same as when a spirit tried it?

“We’ll try this for a few more days to see if it gets us anywhere. See if you can somehow not drown.”

“Sink or swim?” Molly mumbled.

“Exactly,” Namu breathed.

She still did not like the idea. “What happened to the basics? To building a foundation first?”

“I’m working with the materials I have, like building something. The basics you need may be different. We need to see exactly what you’re made of and what you can do. Then we can go from there.”

Now Molly really thought Namu did not know what he was doing. During the first few days, the most he had done was ask her questions about herself that she could not answer. Then, in the days after that, he had asked her the same questions again as if she had thought about those questions and would have different answers to give.

He didn’t seem to understand that she didn’t know certain things about herself. There were just some things she had never cared to dive into.

Then he had her do a few spirit magick spells to show him what she knew so far before he dove into questions about her being an empty vessel, like where exactly she goes went and what exactly happens. He also had her try to draw what she sees in the ice world of her mind.

Now they were here. He wanted to take her arm with his spiritual hand and plunge her into depths that she might never escape from. He wanted her to trust him when she had never trusted anyone at all with this vulnerable piece of herself.

His spirit came out of his arm. He was ready, whether or not she was. He gave her a look, his brown eyes wide with impatience, as he nodded to the table and her arm. She knew it wasn’t easy for him or anyone to take their spiritual self out, even just a little. It expended lots of energy, and he still had classes for the rest of the day.

She did as his eyes told her to do. She kept her arm still but bit her lip tight and closed her eyes.

Then she was there.

There was never an icy wind in the world, just an eerie frozenness that lingered and sliced into her skin on all sides of her. She didn’t know if a wind would have been better or worse.

She tried not to gulp when she looked down at the sheet of purple ice with the water underneath. She was waiting for him to pull her under. She knew it was coming soon. Too soon.

She could feel his ice-cold grip on her arm. Dread was leaking through into her insides, hardening the only places left of her that were still warm and alive.

The worst part was the waiting. She didn’t know how it worked. She didn’t know why sometimes the ice was already broken and sometimes there wasn’t even a crack. But she could faintly feel the weakening of the sheet beneath her.

Her breathing quickened. She hugged her arms, hoping they wouldn’t be cut by the ice shards when she fell through.

A crack. It started as a little fissure beneath her big toe and worked its way out and then around to crawl beneath her little toe.

Another crack was forming beneath her heel. She could feel its unevenness. She wanted to step away, but she knew that pressure would only make it break faster.

Another splinter. This one was on the side of her left foot. It trailed away from her, traveling fast into the unknown.

Watching, waiting, she stared down at what would soon be a jagged hole as one more crack formed, this one thinner than the rest.

Then a gloss of silver trailed the thin line, chasing the splintering ice right under her feet.

A glossy silver that was warm.

She moved her foot to get a closer look. That was the wrong decision.

The ice broke, and she fell with it. She just had time to see that the silver that had layered itself on the ice had turned black.

Her head hit ice before the water rushed over her.

She couldn’t kick. She couldn’t swim.

She could only sink.

But then she felt something new. There was a heaviness on her arm, and it lifted the tiniest bit, allowing her access to her body and her limbs.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

She took the chance and fought to the surface, even though the entire world wanted to weigh her down.

She tried to grab the ice that hadn’t broken, but her hands kept slipping along it. Her fingers were too wet, and the ice had no give.

It let her loose, and she dunked back into the water, flailing her arms and trying to grab the ice again. She needed it to hold her. She needed it to hold steady, or maybe she could just find a crack and dig her fingernails into it.

But then something warm touched her hand. It let her hand hold its place.

She threw her other hand up and found another spot of warmth.

She held herself steady, her body still immersed in the water. Her arms were bent at odd angles as she held onto the ice like some creature. She needed a moment to breathe, to collect herself. Was Namu doing this? Had he found some way to keep her afloat if she fought hard enough for it? Had he found some way to change the ice?

Her muscles almost gave up, but she refused to let them. She squeezed and strained them, trying to lift her body out. She would not let go of the one thing she could feel that wasn’t cold. She did not grab onto anything else, fearful of losing the one hold on life she had.

It was a little easier to pull herself up once she got her knees out of the water, even though the ice broke in a few more places until she scooted to the thicker layer of ice she hadn’t been standing on before. She had a moment to breathe, but she expected another crack. She never let her hands leave the circular black metal plates that had melded themselves with the ice.

She felt Namu let go of her completely, then a gasp escaped her lungs as if squeezed by a fist. She was back in the room.

“Didn’t pass out,” Namu commented, seeming satisfied. “I loosened my grip on you a little this time.”

So that was what he did to let her move more freely. That had helped her swim back up.

His face relaxed with concern. “What’s wrong?”

She must have looked panicked or stunned. “I…I didn’t drown. I saved myself.”

“That’s good!” Namu’s tense brows relaxed. “Why don’t you seem happy then?”

“The metal was there. On the ice. It became a part of the ice in spots. It helped me crawl out of the water.”

“What metal?”

She looked down at his chest then back to his brown eyes.

“The stuff from behind the door?” he asked.

There was silence for a beat. “Were you able to control it?”

“I… I don’t know.” She couldn’t remember if she had asked for it to save her in some way.

“Do you want to try again?”

Abruptly, she stood before tripping out of the hard desk seat. “No. I… I don’t think I can. I don’t want to anymore.” At least not for a while.

He looked confused. “But we’re getting somewhere.”

Before, when she had the incidents all throughout her life, they had been spaced few and far between. She had never had to face that place for days in a row. And now, she was being asked to drown more than once in a single day? Did he not realize how traumatic it was for her? To get torn up, for the ice to freeze itself into all her muscles until she couldn’t move or breathe and had to wait to lose herself? Had she not made it clear to him when she had explained how it felt?

“I just can’t today. Or for a while.” She needed a break.

“You have a chance to finally get to do what you’ve been wanting to do for a long time. You told me that. You have no idea how lucky you are that you’re actually making progress within a week! And now you want to stop!? I thought you wanted to figure this out!”

“I do—I ju—can’t right—I just need a break. It’s a lot.”

“Isn’t it a lot more knowing you can’t protect yourself and almost completely losing yourself whenever you run into a spirit? You told me it sometimes even happens in your sleep.”

It was. It bothered her every day, but her body, her mind, whatever it was that was affected by going to that place, could not deal with going to it again right now or tomorrow. She couldn’t do it multiple days in a row. Even the thought of it…

Panic stirred in her, making it hard to breathe. Normally, she could remain calm. She had taught herself to do that. She had to teach herself to do that in order to not make scenes in school or around her friends. But Namu was pushing some kind of button she didn’t know she had.

“Do you want to lose pieces of yourself? You went into that world and came out unscathed. Some of us did not get to do that. You get to do that and then decide to just lose yourself here?”

“It isn’t like that.”

“Yes, it is. If you aren’t willing to work to save yourself, you’re willing to lose yourself.”

She forgot she saw him practicing things every day. What was he practicing for? “Why do you practice? What are you doing with Mr. Vero?”

He looked away. Anger had her gripping the desk with blood pounding in her ears by the time he answered.

“I would rather not talk about it.” Why did he get to push her and ask her questions constantly, but then refuse to answer her?

“Okay. Then I would rather not do this again.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you?” she snapped back at him.

“I’m so sorry that I’m used to being around people who actually work hard and people who actually know themselves.”

He was being sarcastic. She could almost taste the bitterness of his words.

“I just assumed that since you’re facing a life and death situation you would try harder.”

“Try harder? Where you take me, I drown! I bleed! I suffocate! I’m paralyzed! Do you really want me to try harder doing those things?”

“No. I want you to try harder not to lose yourself. I want to help you find a way to not have to go through those things.”

But she had to go through those things every time she went back there. It never got easier. Even if it ever became easier at some point, even if she found a way to save herself from drowning, there were still too many memories and emotions tied to that place that she knew would never leave. She would rather never go back again.

“Did you think that maybe I lose a piece of myself every time I go back there?” Molly whispered.

Namu shut up at that and held her gaze. Then he looked down at his own hand, and squeezed it shut. “How bad was it for you in the cocoon?”

The cocoon? Why would he want to know? But fear was dilatating his pupils. That cocoon must have been his most traumatic experience. His most traumatic place.

“The cocoon was horrifying. Another horrifying place I would rather not go to again. But It’s nothing compared to the place I go to in my mind. I would rather not visit either. I would rather erase them both.”

He didn’t look back at her. Instead, he pressed his palms against his eyes as if trying to stamp out the fear she had seen. “I understand.”

***

Molly was going to tell people she was an empty vessel. Working with Namu, someone truly knowing that part of herself that she had always hidden, there was a power in that. There was strength she had never had access to before. Just like there had been strength in standing up for herself by saying she never wanted to go back to that place.

She needed more of that strength.

She was tired of hiding a small part of herself. The part of herself that she actually knew. The part of her she had confidence in because she had been through so much in that place. And someone knowing about it somehow made it lighter.

It was nearing the end of break and Molly didn’t want to be late to her next class. If she had the courage to do this, she had to do it now. Especially since she was still buzzing with adrenaline from her confrontation with Namu.

She found Ova near the library, grabbed her arm, and started tugging her up the grand staircase.

More people needed to know and she could only think of two other people who she had come close to conversing with. Two people who could possibly be friends at some point.

“Molly! It’s almost class time. Where are you taking me?” Ova asked, but Molly ignored her. She wanted to be spontaneous. She wanted to make this decision for herself.

She wished she could find Lily too, but she hadn’t seen Lily anywhere over the past few days. It was as if Lily was avoiding her, or maybe Molly had been too busy and hadn’t looked hard enough.

“Molly! It took me forever to help you catch up on all your classes! You can’t miss another one! I can’t either!” But for some reason, even in all her complaining, Ova let Molly keep tugging her up the stairs. They had maybe less than ten minutes.

“This is important,” Molly insisted.

She took Ova to the technology room and dragged her through the door.

“Why are we—”

Koz and Rem were in there as usual. They were packing up, preparing for their own classes.

When Koz saw her, he stopped midway through putting a laptop in a bag. “Hey, Molly. Something wrong with your new phone?”

“I just want all three of you to know that I’m an empty vessel,” Molly announced. Her lungs exhaled the words. Her shoulders sagged in sweet relief. It felt so good to let that loose. Now more people than just Namu, Mr. Vero, and Kren knew. Now she had people she could talk to who knew that tiny piece of her.

Koz paled and Rem flapped her hands and squealed, perking up like Molly had never seen her do before.

Ova just looked confused. “A what?” she asked.

“It’s just like in that game! In—” Rem enthused.

“Rem!” Koz interrupted her before backing up into the desk that held all the computers along with his and who knew how many phones. He pushed a button on one of the phones and lights sprang up all around the room, dancing on the walls with exhilarating music.

Molly didn’t know what was happening. She could only laugh. She was elevated. She was relieved she didn’t have to hide anymore.