Our first destination was Dad's office. Zenya thought that if there were anyone who would know what happened, and who could tell us, it would be Dad. Makila was too strict and closed off to get anything out of her.
We reached the door, and we heard his voice from inside before my sister could knock.
“Come in.”
Zenya hesitated momentarily but decided it wasn't worth thinking too hard. We both entered and walked over to Dad's desk.
His office was quite similar in size to Makila's, but this one was much more decorated, filled with various paintings of epics, legendary heroes, and various types of what looked like beast trophies adorning one of the walls. Things that really showed my father's personality and tastes.
And speaking of him, he was sitting there reviewing documents. There didn't seem to be as many as on Kila's desk, but they did seem much more extensive and important.
“So, what do you need from me my little princesses?” he said pleasantly, but without taking his eyes off the documents he was working on.
Zenya stood for a while watching Dad, who seemed completely impassive, waiting for whatever we were about to tell him. The silence extended for a while, as if my sister was waiting for something, but, seeing that nothing was happening, she finally decided to speak.
“What happened to mother?”
Dad's hands paused at my sister's unexpected question but quickly moved again. A certain tension was visible on his face, but his voice continued in the same gentle tone from earlier.
“To your mother? I don't know what-”
“Father, please don't do that.” Zenya interrupted him, her sad voice making him pause, this time a little longer than before, though he soon resumed his actions.
“...”
There was another long, awkward silence in which only the turning of pages could be heard as he diligently read each of the documents then passed them to a revised pile off to the side.
Zenya remained firmly in place, not taking her eyes off our father for a moment, being very patient in waiting for any answer he might give us. I could only cling anxiously to my sister's hand. I almost wanted to scream at Dad, to demand that he tell us what he knew... to confirm that this rumor was a lie, but the more time we spent in silence, the more anxious I felt.
“Papi...” I whispered, squeezing my sister's hand tightly. I really couldn't stand the anxiety of not knowing anything, especially with that horrible idea in my head. Fortunately, that seemed to be enough for Dad to relent.
“What do you know?” sighed Dad, finally looking up from his work and setting the last stack of papers aside, staring at us, still impassive.
“That mother collapsed this morning. And...” Zenya hesitated to continue, glancing sideways at me as if saying anything would provoke some bad reaction from me. I looked at her pleadingly, wishing with all my heart that she wouldn't leave that question unasked, as it was what I needed to know most to calm down...even if it was just a little. “We also heard that she might have only a short time to live.”
“What?” he replied in confusion and with a frown. “Where did you hear that from?”
“A pair of maidservants. They were gossiping in the halls.”
Dad inhaled and then exhaled deeply, looking exasperated. He muttered something I couldn't hear, and apparently, neither could my sister. Then he looked at us briefly before leaning back in his chair and beckoning us to come closer.
We both obeyed, although I ran a somewhat desperate race given how anxious I felt. Dad lifted me into his arms, hugging me against his chest, and, very easily, lifted my sister with one hand and sat her on his lap, hugging her against his body as well. Zenya let herself be squeezed a little, and I could hear her exhale with relief. I hadn't thought about it, since she seemed pretty calm, but Zenya might have been just as anxious, if not more so than I was about what was going on with Mom.
“To clarify,” Dad began in a tone I could only describe as fatherly. “Such a thing is just a rumor. A rather malicious-looking one if you ask me. We adults will deal with that later. But, that's for us.”
Both Zenya and I exhale in relief. I knew he might be telling us that to reassure us, but I could sense he was sincere.
“Now,” he continued immediately. “Your mother indeed had a little incident in the morning, but it's nothing to worry about.” Dad moved his right arm, with which he was hugging Zenya, and pulled out his pocket watch, then nodded slightly and continued. “She should have woken up by now so why don't you both go see her? She should be in the green room on the second floor.”
Green room? What the hell is that room?
“...Can we?” asked Zenya a little hesitantly.
Dad laughed lightly and held her closer to him more tightly as he stroked her head a little. He gave us both a kiss on our heads before setting us down again.
“Sure, you can. But! You must promise me something first!” He announced, leaning a little towards us as we nodded in unison.
“Fiana is probably there right now, so if she asks you how you found out, I didn't tell you anything, understand?”
“Why?” I asked, not quite understanding the request. But my question was ignored and answered by my sister's words.
“Dad... Makila made you promise not to tell us anything?”
He nodded giving a tired sigh. “That's why I need you both to promise me that. I didn't tell you anything, which is technically true. And if she asks you if you came here...”
Zenya rolled her eyes with a small smile on her lips. “You were too busy at your job, right?”
“Hahahahaha! That's my girl.” Dad patted us both on the head, a little too hard I have to admit, and tousled my well-groomed hair... then urged us to leave, as he still had plenty of work to do.
Zenya took me by the hand and we headed for the door together, but before we were out the door, Dad spoke again.
“Oh, and before you go, Zenya, don't forget the faces of those maids, I'm going to need you to remember them so I can...have a conversation with them.” He said, with a half-smile on his lips.
“...Understood father,” Zenya replied, giving a slight bow while making a frighteningly similar expression.
Finally, we left his office and headed to the second floor.
The green room is a room near where we had kept Ameli while she was recovering. Apparently this whole wing on the second floor could be considered a sort of infirmary, since the family physician and some nurses were assigned to this place.
By chance; or even thanks to Dad's timing in pointing out the place, when we reached the hallway where that room was, we saw the physician coming out of there along with Makila, while exchanging a few words. When they finished, she turned and saw us coming. She frowned, closed her eyes, and sighed in exasperation, before approaching us both.
“Good morning, girls, what brings you-”
“Where is Mother?” Zenya interrupted Makila in the middle of her question. I hadn't expected her to do that, but I wouldn't blame her.
“...” Kila didn't answer and just looked at us, annoyed. She seemed about to scold my sister rather fiercely, but contrary to what I thought, she inhaled deeply and her expression relaxed. “I guess it wasn't your father who told you what happened, am I wrong?”
We shook our heads, and Zenya told her what we heard from those maids. Makila narrowed her eyes after hearing the brief description of both maids. “Yes, I know who they are. They mentioned Kemasa, didn't they? Well, don't worry about it, I'll take care of them later.”
“Kila...” I called her quietly, feeling a little anxious. Kila and Dad had denied the rumor, other than telling us that we should ignore such things, but that didn't remove my concern for my mother's current state. I clutched at her skirt to get her attention and, giving me a worried look, she took me in her arms.
“It's okay, I understand. I didn't expect this to be kept a secret for too long anyway. Let's go inside, Lana's awake now and it would be good for her to see you both.”
That said, we went inside and the first thing I saw was Mom sitting on the bed reading a book as if nothing had happened. She looked pretty healthy even though she was supposed to have collapsed a couple of hours ago.
I felt scammed but also relieved.
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She was sitting there, smiling slightly and without a care in the world, reading so calmly that it almost seemed as if she wasn't in a room that looked more like an infirmary than anything else.
Just looking around a bit revealed why they called it the green room.
Green tapestries, with a carpet of the same shade. The windows had curtains in a slightly darker shade of green. Even the bed sheets were a shade of green. The only thing that wasn't that color was the furniture which varied between shades of brown and white, somewhat giving a feeling of being in a forest rather than a room in a mansion. Although some bookshelves and various tubes and bottles that looked like potions, completely cut through the ambiance, and made it feel more like the home of an alchemist hermit.
“Lana. The girls.” Kila announced slowly approaching Mom, as she closed the door behind us.
My mother turned her attention away from her book and smiled at the sight of us, but just as she opened her mouth to speak, my sister ran towards Mom, launching herself onto the bed and landing carelessly on top of her. She immediately clung to her body with no intention of letting go.
“Are you okay?” was her simple question, posed in a timid voice accompanied by a soft sob.
Mom, who had been a bit stunned by Zenya's unexpected action, and subsequent question, hugged her gently, and in a firm but motherly tone replied, “Of course, honey. Mommy's just a little tired, that's all.”
“...Really?” Zenya didn't move, even hugged her a little tighter.
“I promise. It's nothing to worry about.” She replied kissing her on the head, and cradling her to her chest.
My sister nodded and fell silent. I mentioned earlier I noticed that perhaps Zenya could be just as or even more anxious than I was, and this had been demonstrated to me very clearly. Because of her calm, cheerful, and determined nature, it was easy to forget that she was just a child, A girl who loved and cared very much for her family.
Mom moved her gaze toward us and beckoned Kila to come closer. Without delay, Makila walked over to the bed and, pulling up a nearby chair, sat beside Mom with me still in her arms.
“Were you worried too my baby?”
I nodded and felt her hand caress my cheek, a warmth that soothed me and gradually removed all traces of anxiety that had built up so far. I enjoyed her touch until my sister finally emerged from between Mom's chest. Her face looked a little funny, with messy hair, slightly puffy eyes, and her left cheek, a mark from the fabric of Mom's nightgown. I almost felt the urge to laugh aloud, but I managed to restrain myself, which Kila could not do.
“You look...pff.”
Mom joined her in laughter as she wiped away the few tears left on her face, which was now a bit flushed with embarrassment.
“Makila!” retorted Zenya, puffing out her cheeks and looking away. It was difficult not to laugh, but I managed to hold myself together. I could imagine what was happening in my sister's mind.
Passing me into my mother's arms, Kila took advantage of the moment to continue playing with my sister, lightening the mood and transforming it into something more relaxed. Although I was still worried about Mom, her current laugh and attitude seemed to reflect a person who had not at all collapsed and was unconscious and bedridden.
At least for now, it didn't seem like I should think too much about it.
“By the way,” Mom said, attracting everyone's attention. “You told me a letter had arrived from Anven, right, what news did it bring?”
“Ah, nothing too important really,” Kila replied as she slowly rejoined Zenya who seemed somewhat exhausted from laughing so hard. “A little greeting, her current situation, and an estimate of her return.”
“And when would that be?”
“In about 4 years. Much sooner than I expected.”
“That's true. I had expected her to return in at least another 8 years.” Mom nodded, agreeing with Kila. Then she asked with curiosity in her voice. “Are you going to send her any response?”
Kila shook her head and glanced questioningly at my sister and me. Zenya, like a good big sister, took the initiative to respond.
“The letter is finished. Tya took care of writing most of it, I just added a few more complicated details.” Replied my sister puffing out her chest with pride.
“Really? Just as expected from my little baby.” Mom wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace as she continued to shower me with praise.
We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting about how much I had learned so far and my writing/reading abilities. By the time dinner arrived, Zenya took me to the dining room while Kila and Mom stayed in the bedroom. As Kila said, Mom was to stay in bed for at least a couple of days, to make sure she can fully regain her strength. With that said, my sister and I left.
----------------------------------------
“Are you sure you don't want to tell them anything?” I asked worriedly. Fia is not one to keep this kind of thing from the family, especially with how the girls reacted, but I could also understand that she didn't want to worry them too much more. Even I was a little worried too.
“It's best to keep it that way for a while, no need for both of them to worry unnecessarily. Besides, just like the physician said, it's not such a big deal. You just need to be more careful and get more rest.” My beautiful lover Theriant came over to the bed and sat down, allowing me to stroke her soft pointed ears, something she usually does when she sees me worrying or fidgeting.
“I assure you I'm getting plenty of rest,” I said, rolling my eyes as I pinched one of her cheeks. “This time it was just... an unexpected incident.”
“Unexpected incident... can you look me in the eye and say the same thing if I told you I know what you've been doing behind my back?” Fiana turned her head slightly, giving me one of her inquisitive looks, that she always gives me when she knows more than she pretends.
I avoided her gaze, feeling a tinge of guilt inside me.
“...”
“Irlana.” She uttered my name, not angrily but sadly, adding to my guilt. “Does Hal know?” she asked, slowly standing up and looking directly at me.
“...From the beginning, yes.”
Fia exhaled in exasperation, pulling her eyebrows together in a clear expression of anger. “And when did you think...? Forget it, what have you been doing?”
“We found a possible treatment for my illness.” I sighed sadly, resting my head on her shoulder. If she had already figured me out, I might tell her everything. “Hal was the one with the idea, he told me he had found an alchemist physician who was researching heart disease, and that, after reviewing his research, he decided it would be worth a try.”
When we lost Kalenia, I stopped trusting any medication, treatment, or anything made by alchemists. But, since my illness was discovered, the options had been quickly running out.
“How effective has it been?”
“Not as much as I would like, but that was among the expectations. According to Cloyr, the alchemist. He said that during the early stages of treatment, I would feel weak, sleep less, and might eventually have these kinds of breakdowns, but he assured us that this would be normal and to be expected.” I was still doubtful, though. It was unthinkable that there would be a medication that caused the disease to get worse so that it could be cured. But, despite that, there was something that drove me to continue. A hope that I could recover.
No matter how much I wanted to pretend, I was terrified that one day, out of nowhere, I would suffer a heart attack of some kind that would lead me straight to the domain of the Holy Mother. I couldn't let something like that happen before I witnessed my youngest daughters grow up. So, I decided to put aside my mistrust and at least try.
“But I've seen almost no change. It's becoming hard to hold on to that little hope.” Fiana hugged me tightly and was silent for a while. I could tell how deeply she was thinking by watching her tail curl around my arms, something she always does unconsciously, with me and our daughters. Seeing that made me smile.
“Okay, I get it, I won't say anything more about it.” He finally said “But, Lana, I'm starting to get very upset that you two keep keeping things this important from me. Don't I deserve to know about these things too?”
“...I'm sorry. That was my fault. I... I didn't want to give false hope until I'd seen some improvement.”
“Save those lies for someone else, Irlana,” She growled as she pushed me away and looked me with anger. “Tell me the real reason.”
I looked down, hoping my words would have been enough, but I underestimated her insight too much. I tried futilely to lean on her in an attempt to hit her weak spot, but a light squeeze on my shoulders, kept me an arm's length away and her unchanged expression told me there was no way around it. My valah began to fidget nervously behind me, something that did not go unnoticed by her.
I took a deep breath and communicated my concerns to her.
“Even though this ‘’medicine‘’ may come to alleviate, or even cure to some extent my illness, albeit in the long term, Cloyr also stressed the fact that there is a considerable chance of ending up... infertile.”
Fiana frowned thoughtfully. She seemed confused by my words. Of course, I could understand, at this point, why would I care about not being able to have more children? Trying could very well kill me. The problem wasn't in whether or not I could get pregnant.
“Why would that be a problem? That wasn't supposed to be a possibility anymore.”
I shook my head, knowing it would be a difficult conversation to have with her. “It's not me I'm worried about, Fia.”
It took her a few seconds, but she finally realized what I was referring to.
“Me? But...”
“No, it's not something that would affect you. At least not directly.” I sighed, trying to find a way to explain to her what I had been trying to do for the past few years. It would be something that could either destroy her trust in me or...
I took a deep breath, trying to muster up the courage to say what had worried me the most during this entire treatment. “Fia, if this medication renders me infertile, it's not just my ability to get pregnant... so is the only chance we can have a child together.”
Fiana looked at me with her eyes wide like plates, frozen in place, completely dumbfounded. “You... you were...”
I nodded, confirming what was on her mind. Fia covered her mouth with her hand in disbelief. I could almost tell her mind was working at full speed, trying to assimilate what I had just told her.
“Is that why...?”
I nodded again, avoiding her gaze. It was hard to admit to my Makila that I had been “sowing my seed” carelessly. Normally that wasn't a problem for her, since there are ways to avoid pregnancy, but she didn't know that I wasn't using any of those methods. After all, the odds that I could get her pregnant were so low that it was easy to ignore something like that.
I saw various emotions pass across her face, from disappointment to even a glimmer of hope, which is why I had been doing it all this time.
“Since when?” she asked after concluding her mind.
“A year after you recovered. I had a small hope that the Holy Mother would grant us her mercy after all we went through.”
“And you didn't tell me because you thought I might object or even blame you.” I nodded at her assertion. She started massaging her temples, looking less annoyed than I was expecting. I thought she would yell at me.
“I'm sorry, for keeping it from you, I-”
“It's okay. I think I can understand why you did it. It doesn't erase the fact that, once again, you've been keeping things from me, but just this once I can understand.” The tired look she gave me was not a pleasant sight to receive, but I knew her well enough to know that no rancor was in her eyes. Unfortunately, that didn't take away the weight in my heart for what I had done.
This time, without her pushing me away, I managed to hug her tightly, a form of apology for what I did.
“It's okay honey, I know you didn't mean it, I just...I'm afraid it will all happen again.”
“I'm scared too, but, despite everything, even though there is that possibility, I still want us to be able to conceive. It's a thorn that has been stuck in my heart from the beginning and I can't help but want it.”
Fiana didn't respond, merely hugging me a little tighter. For a while, we stayed like that, sharing a few kisses and gradually reconciling. I told her more about the medicine: when I had to take it and about the person who delivered it every week. After that, she went out to get our dinner.
I lay back on the bed, reflecting on what I had said and done. I took my valah in my hands and prayed with all my might to Alika, Mara, Numa, and the twin Pillars Erka and Erias. I prayed earnestly that, even if the possibility were slim, we would finally be granted this selfish wish of ours.
Shortly thereafter Fia returned with my dinner, hers, and a couple of adorable little girls who seemed unwilling to leave my side for the rest of the day. We had dinner and had a beautiful time. Whatever fate was in store for me, I at least wanted to be able to see my daughters reach adulthood.