Goblins are SUPREME!

Supremely stupid! Me, Dagger, and an unconscious Spoon are trying to climb up a chimney that a large human just set on fire. FIRE! The heat is small at first, but as our progress slows and the smoke gets thicker and thicker, the flames get bigger. And the heat. The idea of being cooked alive.

If the smoke wasn’t already filling my lungs, I would laugh. Another “raid-related bit of trouble” to add to the list of fucked up ways to die. Brand new to Goblin-kind, turned into smoked Goblin ham. Just in time for some stupid human holiday.

I bet I’m tasty.

Dagger slaps me across the face as the thought of giving up makes me slide down into the waiting flames. The act nearly causes Spoon to slip down herself, something we both scramble to prevent and lose precious upward momentum in the process.

“We”—*COUGH*—“MAKE IT!” Dagger grunts, and suddenly without warning, Dagger moves with surprising haste; even as his lungs heave up acrid smoke and the surrounding brick starts to burn at the touch. Dagger moves harder and harder, fighting to keep Spoon from slipping despite balancing her one shoulder and me barely being able to keep up.

“What the hell, Dagger!” I want to shout, but I can feel my lungs seize before I can make the effort. There is a glow, a sheen that’s a weird, raider color of red that makes Dagger’s exposed skin look as if it has a hum.

Is that-

No! Focus, climb, hold on to Spoon, climb, climb, climb, breathe, climb, oh Yeezsus help!

And then air. Hot and cool at the same time, and I push Spoon with my remaining hand as Dagger drags her up and over.

Then I go falling down—

And Dagger howls, leaping in and grabbing me before slamming the inside of the chimney and—

Wait, no… that’s not right?

In the haze, because at some point I held my breath for so long I forgot to breathe, so the details are fuzzy; I swear I feel and see Dagger bounce off the walls and into the open air of the chimney before I pass out-

******************

Stolen novel; please report.

I come to and see Dagger’s wide eyes staring back at me. For a second, I think I’m a raider again, being guarded by Dagger from being turned into lunch, but the familiar smell of smoke and baked goods becomes overwhelming and surprisingly close. Relief washes over me, followed by a coughing fit as my lungs feel heavy and black.

Dagger hugs me, which also turns me over to my side, allowing the spittal and phlegm, filled with smoke and acrid death, to go somewhere besides back down my throat. For a moment, we lay there, huddled in the bright light of the day, me retching and Dagger holding me with tears streaming down his face…

He probably thinks I died, and maybe I briefly did. But then another more terrifying thought comes to mind—

“SPOON!”

Looking for her on top of the rooftop, I see her lying there. Not breathing.

“I tried to wake her up, I tried, but…” Only blubbering and crying are heard as desperation and loss overcome Dagger.

“No…”

I crawl over to Spoon, feeling weak and exhausted. A deep dryness soaks into my bones, and I shiver as I touch Spoon. She is warm but unmoving. Something is deeply wrong as her eyes, normally so bright and expressive, are dull and lif—

“No…”

I shake Spoon. I shake her gently, then with increased intensity, wanting her, begging her to wake up. But she doesn’t, so I shake and beg her, pleading with her to wake up.

“Please-”

Shake, shake, shake. I want her to breathe, to do something—

“WAKE UP!”

But she is motionless, and I can feel her numbers, her hit points go down and feel Dagger try to pull me away from her, but I can’t let her go.

“WAKE UP!”

I became a thief because I was tired of dying but also tired of seeing Goblins die. Hopelessly, pointlessly, and violently.

Tired. Tired. Tired. She’s just tired!

“Wake up!”

FUCK!

I slap her in the face, making her tongue roll from her mouth-

Spoon has taken 1 Damage from Rock’s slap!

FUCK!

NO!

SPOON!

“She’s gone, cousin,” Dagger says quietly, but that’s not what I want to hear.

We were just eating together, and I just saw her set her feet on fire. She helped us escape the human gate. She’s not DEAD!

I stop shaking her and get up and look at her. Anger and frustration pool in my brain until the only thing I can hear is my heart thumping.

“If you don’t get up. I’m stealing your Spoon!”

She doesn’t move. Not even breathing.

“Fuck you! You stupid shaman!!!”

And I rip into her many layers of garments until I find the most precious thing to her. She has it tucked behind her back, and I snatch it away with savage glee.

“See, I stole it! It’s mine now!”

Quest Steal a Goblins Namesake Completed

Rocky Party has gained 200 EXP

Spoon has Leveled Up

Dagger has Leveled Up

Rock has Leveled Up

And Spoon gasps.

Joy and confusion become tears of blubbering happiness, and Dagger jumps on her before I have a chance to even think about what just happened.

The how's, the how-comes, the what the hells start building in my brain until-

Rock has taken 3 Psychic Damage.

And the only thing left to do is laugh at the pain and at getting Spoon back, at everything turning out ok!

“Dagger, what the hell!”

“You’re back!”

“I wasn’t—” I feel Spoon’s eyes on me narrowing as the air starts to stiffen. ”Give THAT BACK!”

I drop the spoon immediately and run away, laughing. Even as fireballs come after me.