Spoon simply sits down and starts crying in quite defeated sobs while Dagger runs around the entire kitchen, looking for an exit that isn’t there. As for me, I’m left dumbfounded as the sound of footsteps comes closer and closer.

We could fight—an ex-raider, an actual raider, and a shaman—

Would do absolutely nothing! I remember the size of the human like I remember Mount Gaboo. I can see his meaty palms wrapping around my neck, his boot squishing Dagger underfoot as Spoon threw spell after spell.

A complete massacre. Because we had the nerve to fall ASLEEP!

I look around desperately as the heavy thud of the humans beyond the kitchen door gets louder and louder.

The only way out is up.

Up?

I realize the chimney is still there, its fires long gone. It’s just sitting there, waiting for three goblins to climb it. Waiting for us to escape!

“Spoon, Dagger, the chimney!”

Spoon leaps up and runs toward the only exit. Dagger stops and smiles, a weary smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“Big Brain ROCK!”

“Thanks,” I want to say, but then I stop-

Am I really going to leave here empty-handed?

I could steal food!? Except we ate all of it, everything possibly edible and delicious, we shoved down our face holes. The only things left are the bitter white powder in jars and bags scattered everywhere and other weird liquids, oily to the touch and taste. But that can’t be all the food-

Except we don’t have time to look for more! We have to run, we have to hide, we have to-

Dagger knocks into the butter churn, his body heavier than he used to since eating every donut that ever existed in goblin history. The barrel falls, and the top pops open, but nothing spills out. The butter is still inside, stuck to the bottom, waiting to be harvested.

Waiting to be eaten by goblins.

I grab the butta churn and find it lighter than expected as I lift it over my head. The weight is still clumsy, so I tilt off-balance a few times before finding my footing. The door begins to jiggle open, and Dagger pushes me into the chimney!

“Help me!” I beg, and Dagger looks at me and the butta churn quizzically, making that head tilty expression like a dog. The door is creaking open, and the sound of human rage will soon follow. No human appreciates being raided like goblins, the same way we don’t appreciate getting stored food stolen by giant rats. I shove the butta churn into Dagger’s chest, and with clenched teeth, I grunt, “Climb.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Dagger looks up and see’s Spoon struggling to get up the stone masonry. We need to move. And move now! So I grab Dagger’s legs and lift him further into the chimney, initiating the Tall Fence Maneuver!

Now, I have to pray that Dagger doesn’t drop the butta churn on my head! Or simply fall down. Or I lose my footing entirely on the loose pile of burnt wood and black coals. The door is beginning to creek open, and the thought of being trapped at the bottom of a chimney with the undivided attention of a mountain-sized human makes me shiver with cold panic.

“Dagger, MOVE!” But he can’t get any footing. He’s struggling to find purchase with one hand on the butta churn and the other trying to find a loose brick to pull himself up on.

We are doomed.

“Give it here!” Spoon grunts, and take the barrel from Dagger’s hands with two of her own. She climbs back down, her feet spread wide to touch both sides of the chimney. She’s doing a perfect split while hoisting the butta churn up and over her shoulders.

“Now push me, idiots!”

Dagger finds his way up first, then I jump up second. We move toward Spoon as the human bellows with an echoing cry-

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!”

And I cast Stealthy Goblin just before the sound reaches our ears out of reflex and desperation! The pain of the human’s voice reaches our ears like a tornado, all fury and sharp pain that makes our earbuds collectively bleed!

Rock has taken 1 damage from Human War Shout

Dagger has taken 1 damage from Human War Shout

Spoon has taken 2 damage from Human War Shout.

And the numbing effect of the casual rage soaks into our bones until suddenly Spoon loses her balance and drops on top of us. Dagger grabs her as I try to catch the butta churn before it collides and breaks on the surrounding bricks.

Spoon is stunned.

Somehow, Dagger and I escape the War Shouts effects but nearly go sliding back down into the mouth of the chimney as Spoon’s dead weight presses on our bodies. We grunt in pain and exertion, trying to carry Spoon up the chimney with the butta churn balanced on her back as the sound of human rage carries on below us.

Spoon, please wake up.

“I can’t BELIEVE THIS!”

The mountain bellows, shaking the chimney with his voice alone. I can hear him pushing, rolling, upturning things in a desperate attempt to find a rhyme or reason for Goblin mischief.

But there is NONE! Because GOBLINS ARE SUPREME! Even when sliding down a chimney with Spoon on my shoulders and Rock failing every dexterity check known to Goblin!

Oh god! If we escape this, I’m praying to Yeezsus every day. If we escape this, I’m attending Goblin church and kissing the feat of the Head Shaman, even if her toe fungus is purple and hairy! Oh please, Yeezsus, give us strength-

“And the fire!? DURA’G’s balls!”

Oh yes, when you pray to Yeezus, he answers you in his own way. And oh, how his Goblin Lord did. You see, we are halfway up the chimney when a human hand reaches inside and starts lighting what’s left of the scattered wood and coals. He does this for mere minutes, but it feels like hours, watching him strike a match over and over until an orange glow radiates from the center. It is beautiful, not even hot and only a little smokey.

Oh yes, the smoke, a tiny little wisp that tickles my nostrils. Tiny little wisps, growing in size as the orange light below grows stronger and stronger.

Yup, Yeezus answers prayers, all right. We will escape. In death.