Spoon was uncharacteristically quiet as she crawled from underneath the human house. I would be happy if my leg wasn’t still warm from the fear we all experienced… a warmth that reminds me of my first time learning just how overpowered humans are.

Dagger and Spoon look at me, their eyes glowing in the dark as we hide until the sky turns gray, then black. We stand there like idiots for a while until I realize they are looking to me for leadership.

I am the Squad Leader. So we either go home or find something else to do. But it is my call.

And that fact nearly makes my head spin.

This is my alternative to raiding.

This is my way out of the cycle of eating dead cousins and brothers.

And we need clothes.

A smile splits my lips, and it becomes infectious. Dagger nods. Spoon nods. And I don’t have to say a word.

WE ROB THE HUMANS!

And trusting Dagger and Spoon to follow my lead, I walk the dirt path to the backyard on all fours, staying as low and silent as possible as the sound of chatter and merriment is heard inside.

Not expecting an attack and probably done eating, the humans should stay indoors, but you never know! A human child could come running out the backdoor at any time! And on a Goblin’s luck, discover the entire raiding party trying to maneuver around a particularly tall fence! A sad misfortune, which happens often and ruins raids before they even start…

But we’re thieves now. As long as we stay low and quiet, we should-

“Is that a spoon?”

Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

Me and Dagger whirl around to find Spoon hanging from a window, her little Goblin feet kicking fruitlessly for additional purchase as she attempts to climb up.

I want to curse. To SCREAM. But Dagger is already running to steady her feet as she pulls herself up to see inside the house. I run up to them as Spoon starts to gibber something incoherently.

“Get down!” I hiss, resisting the urge to knock them both down.

But Spoon babbling reaches a certain pitch, and I realize what’s happening-

She’s been repeating the word spoon over and over again. Because she found her namesake. Her namesake. Rocks are my namesake, and daggers are Dagger’s namesake. But Spoon?

I assumed she left her namesake at home, but that’s not what happened.

She never had one.

Fuck me.

Actually FUCK!

For a moment, only dark thoughts occur to me as I realize what Spoon is going to ask for. She wants to break in.

“Rock, it’s a spoon.”

Inside a human house.

“Rock, come see, it’s soo- soo spoon!”

Where humans live.

“Rock?”

My voice takes on a tone that is hard and unyielding. “We came here to get clothes. CLOTHES!”

Spoon lets go of the window sill and jumps down from Dagger’s shoulders to march up to me. I wasn’t going to budge.

“It’s a spoon, Rock. I need it!”

I shake my head. “We can find another spoon! Later.”

Spoon’s eyes begin to glow bright with magic, and if I just met her, I would assume she wanted to throw a fireball at me, but now I know she just can’t help it when she’s excited. Or angry.

“Your name is Rock, and you have a rock. Dagger’s name is Dagger, and he has a dagger. My name is SPOON, and I WANT A SPOON!”

My jaw tightens as my anger boils, and my head throbs with the increased blood pressure. But then a familiar hand touches my shoulder just before I feel like I’m about to explode. I turn my head to see Dagger looking at me, a slight grin on his face, more taunt and wary but still a grin.

“She has a point.”

I stare at Dagger and his stupid face, half in disbelief and half in diffusing frustration. I can’t be mad at my favorite cousin! But Spoon-

Spoon is crying.

“I”—her voice coming in a choking sob—“I- I need help! I know it’s not fair, but… it’s a spoon Rock! My spoon!”

Whatever anger, whatever frustration, whatever part of me that is an unmoving, unyielding, un-budging rock… simply roll away. Because seeing that stupid puffy face with its downcast ears and big glowing eyes that are wet with tears that shine with mana… and with even fucking Dagger on her side!

“Fuck! Fine. Fine! We get the Spoon!”

Spoon and Dagger woot in unison.

“We rob the humans.”

Spoon hugs me, and Dagger joins her.

We’re going to die.