I was entranced by her eyes as she stared back at me. For the first time, the ethereal dream felt like it was reality. While I was frozen in place, she walked forward, still hidden by the spirit-like colors that swirled around her - it seemed like she was loved by the colors of the world. She closed in on me and whispered something slightly different than before.

*faintly* “Will you help me?”

I thought that perhaps I would also be hidden from her view in some way, but it seemed that she could see my entire form - I felt naked as those eyes stared into what seemed like my soul. However, I couldn’t force myself awake from this world for some reason - I felt restricted by something. Everything in this world was out of my control and it was uncomforting, to say the least.

“Are you one of the group leaders too? Were you the one who talked back to the guard?”

I tried confirming her identity by asking her a few questions, but I never got a response and instead, she drifted away from me. As I tried to run towards and reach out to her, I was only pushed further away from her until darkness enveloped me - I had woken up from the same “dream” three times now.

* * *

I woke up and a different reality settled on me - a reality much heavier than the one I had just been in. Could realities be so different or was I really just dreaming earlier? I didn’t think too much about it and instead got up from Rosa’s side. It seemed that she was still sleeping comfortably and I didn’t want to stir her awake. I silently left her side, anxious and nervous about how I would be perceived by those around me. But at the same time, I thought that it wouldn’t be so bad if I thought of it as repentance for what I had done. Thoughts swirled once again and any form of calmness escaped me.

As I dejectedly walked around, trying to look for Nor who had probably already gotten up, I found that people walked by and said hello like it was any other day. For a second, I thought that perhaps everything had really been a dream, and I had finally escaped it. But a sharp pain ran through my back and I was reminded that this pain was real - everything had really happened. This only made it more confusing as to why no one looked at me with hatred or even annoyance. I was surprised, but I guessed that they were hiding it underneath many layers of fake masks of emotions.

As I went around trying to find Nor, I returned greetings as I would normally do. I spotted Nor talking to Nao and several other people, but when I approached them, they quickly broke away from their huddle. I found this off-putting, but I had expected it nonetheless; it was just that it didn’t feel good to be left out of something when you knew people who were involved in it.

“Are ya feeling any better”

Surprisingly, Nor had asked me if I had been doing ok in a gentle manner. He was usually discrete about this, but he was rather forthright this time.

“I guess so, it’s just uncomfortable that everyone still treats me the same”

“Why wouldn’t they? You didn’t do anything wrong, Sol”

I was confused. I thought I would be hated or at the least ignored by those around for being a coward and running away on my own, but what Nor said went against everything I believed.

*getting louder* “T-They… They don’t think I did anything wrong? YOU don’t think I did anything wrong escaping alone without even bothering to help anyone!? You know, I even shot a ball of fire at someone and caused them to die! Sho died too! And you’re telling me I didn’t do anything fucking wrong?! I’M A FUCKING MURDERER!”

I was confused. I was angry, relieved, overjoyed, and felt many other things, but in the end, I was still confused. Had I not done everything wrong? Had I not abandoned teammates? Comrades? Friends? Allies? What was there that I had done right? And for the millionth time, I shed tears. Why did I shed tears during so many moments? What was there to even cry about? Even as I asked these questions, I continued to cry. I didn’t know why or how or for what reason, but I did.

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*gently* “Sol… in case you haven’t noticed, you're still a young boy, perhaps even a child. You’ve yet to experience any portion of the vast world, yet you're stuck down in this horrid place being slaved away. What is there to blame on you?”

“B-but I…”

*stern but gentle* “You only did what you could to save yourself. Things like this happen every day in these places, you don’t have to let it weigh on you. You didn’t kill anyone either, you just did what you had to do to survive; I bet they tried to bring you down too, and even if they didn’t, the fact that they died just means they wouldn’t have lasted much longer down here - perhaps it was a blessing that they’re gone now to a better place. But you, Sol, have a strong will to live and you have done whatever you could do to survive in this place the past year...”

Nor paused before he continued.

“Didn’t Sho leave you a message?”

It seemed that Nor had also seen the message left behind by Sho. He told me to live my own life, nothing particular or specific, he had just left a few words behind telling me not to waste the life he had given me - or at least that was what I had felt he had written.

“Just make sure to remember what he taught you for the short while he was with you.”

I was embraced by Nor and I laid my head on him, listening as he told me that I had done nothing wrong. Had I truly nothing to be guilty for? Nor told me the others wouldn’t have survived much longer, but what if they had? What if they had been good people with loved ones waiting for them back home? I felt hesitant with simply forgetting all about them.

“But they died trying to escape too… They tried to live too! What if they had loved ones - friends and family alike!?”

“Sol… the things that have happened in the past should be left in the past. There is no reason to think about the “what ifs”. Although you may one day forget every person you have killed, for now, just keep in mind those that you have witnessed die and engrave it in your heart; use them as a motivation to grow stronger so that one day in the future you can protect the people you love yourself… I will help you as much as I can if you choose to go on that journey.”

I was fortunate to have met such great people during the worst times of my life. They had taken the time to get to know me and helped me survive down here. Nor and Rosa were the closest things to parents I would probably ever have and I was happy about it. To me, they were the best parents I could ever ask for and the only ones that I had. What was blood family if they didn’t even try to take care of you; if they had thrown you onto an abandoned alleyway for you to try to survive alone against adults. Now that I had experienced real familial bonds, I could not imagine a life without them. Even now, they were supporting me in many ways and guiding me on the right path, which I was thankful for.

“Perhaps I will go on a journey if we ever get out of here”

“And I will help you with that”

Nor smiled genuinely at that and the bell rang signaling the start of another day, only this time, I decided to make my way out of here and into the world where I would bring to life the world I dreamt of - a place with no pain and suffering.

* * *

The day had come and gone as quickly as ever, and we were on our final break before heading off to bed. I walked into the break area as usual, but as I stepped in, it was unusually quiet. Usually, there would have been chatter from those who had finished working with their buddies and friends. Then, there was a loud yell.

“Surprise!”

Everyone jumped out at me and I took a leap back in surprise. It seemed like they were celebrating something but I was clueless as to what it was. I looked around and saw that Nor and Rosa were at the front and looked quite enthusiastic.

“Since we don’t know your birthday, we decided to celebrate the nearly one year you’ve been here. Although it hasn’t been exactly one year, today was just the day everyone was feeling up to it!”

I would have probably been overwhelmed, but this was only a group of fifteen to twenty people at most so it felt what I suppose would be a family meeting. Rosa told me this was a party to all those that we're still here, no matter who they were. We didn’t have anything to celebrate with, but the break area was louder than ever that night. The party continued deep into our sleep time, but it seemed no one cared for the effects it would have on us tomorrow.

“Comon Sol! Join us! HAHAHAH”

“Ya’know this party is just for you! After all, you're the only child down here! You’re the star tonight!”

“Come on in Sol!”

“Welcome, Sol!

“Hurry up! The guards are gonna hear us if we stand so close to the door!”

“We’ll just beat them up if it comes to it, after all, it's Sol’s time to shine!”

The people in front of me continued to spout some nonsense, but I smiled at these interactions. Even while we were shackled down in these mines, we had our own fun from time to time and so I decided to join the lot for the night. There was lots of screaming, hollering, and laughter at the beginning. Later on, things escalated and people were getting injured and vomiting here and there, but the one thing that didn’t change throughout that night was the uplifting atmosphere that emanated from each one of us.