"Orthens Ubiquity vs. Death Bunny, Case Number BU171733, is now in session. Counsel for the prosecution, please present the charges on behalf of the Ubiquity."
"Thank you, Clerk Winonouo," said Prosecutor Jimmie, motioning to his assistant attorney.
"Your Honor, the defendant, Death Bunny, is charged with the following offenses:
"Count 1: Grand Theft, Class SSS.
"Count 2: Criminal Trespass on Orthenian Property.
"Count 3: Failure to adhere to the First, Second, and Third Culling Mandates.
"Count 4: 214,352 counts of Domestic Terrorism.
"Count 5: 17,234 counts of Inter-Sect Terrorism.
[Counts 6–243 omitted for brevity]
"Count 244: Vandalism.
"As the Orthens Ubiquity has reached a plea agreement with the defense, the prosecution does not intend to prove these charges.
"However, due to the involvement of sensitive information and the interests of Ubiquity security, we request a private conference with Your Honor to discuss terms."
"Very well," announced Supreme Judiciary Lugh. "Bailiff, activate the 'I'll See You In My Chambers' Array."
Three bands of cryptic hieroglyphs descended, displacing His Honor, Karma Bunny, and Prosecutor Jimmie into a glen of cherry blossoms.
"Welcome to my chambers. Bite, swallow, or otherwise consume a single cherry, and I will reach down your gullet and retrieve it. Understood?"
"Yes, Your Honor!"
"You may take your seats. Prosecutor, explain the agreement."
"Yes, Supreme Judiciary Lugh; without ado: The—"
"Prosecutor, with all due respect, shut your mouth." His Honor gestured to Karma Bunny. "You. Last chance, go."
"Rhymey over here wants me to spread propaganda about the Great Cleanser's 'pitiful death' to calm the masses."
"Typical. In return?"
"A lifetime vacation in A'Zor'El Penitentiary."
"Granted. One moment"—he pointed to Jimmie—"Judgment: Sleep."
Pa!
Jimmie plunked onto His Honor's gnarled wood table, fast snoring amid pooling drool.
Flinging Jimmie into a pile of foliage, His Honor resumed, "My clan's late patriarch was one of the Great Cleanser's victims in the Decaying Dynasty Era. Therefore, I would like to add some ... embellishments to your statement. In return, I will speak to Warden Abandinus about granting some privileges to a certain bunny. Deal?"
"Hmm—I'll accept, but on one small condition."
**
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"Hello. This is Reporter Patricia Tanakawa live from the Orthenian Courts. I'm standing here with war criminal Death Bunny, who claims to have an update on fellow war criminal the Great Cleanser."
"Alleged war criminal; thank you, Patricia." Karma Bunny glanced down at his—and Lugh's—prepared note cards. "Greetings, viewers of the Orthenian News Network. I am here to share the intimate details surrounding the Great Cleanser's demise in the wake of Overseer Dolores's planetary ruin."
Ahem.
"Shortly after He unleashed a curse powered by the souls of orphaned infants, the Great Cleanser fled the scene like 'a bitch with gambling debts.' Isn't that right, Daoist Lorenzö?"
At his flank, Lorenzö nodded somberly. "That is exactly what happened, Daoist Bunny. Additionally, from my vantage point, I am 99% confident He had soiled Himself in the moments prior."
"Indeed—upon reflection, His trousers bore a viscous rigidity and a yellow pallor.
"Fleeing and smelling of urine, the Cleanser made it to the exosphere before disaster struck in the form of space debris. Daoist Lorenzö, you were nearest to the collision site; can you describe what you saw?"
"With pleasure, Daoist Bunny. An asteroid—no larger than my fist—impacted the Cleanser's groin at terminal velocity, sending Him plummeting in howling agony."
"I'll take it from here," said Karma Bunny, flipping to his bottom-most card. "Crying and crippled of phallus, the Great Cleanser drew the ire of the accursed newborns. With their nubbin teeth, the infants cannibalized Him from head to toe."
"A shocking story," declared Patricia, monotone. "Next up on ONN, Bowels: Necessary Organ, or Superfluous Weight Gain? Stay tuned—the answer may surprise you."
**
After the interview, agents of the Orthenian Intelligence Bureau escorted Karma Bunny and Lorenzö to an underground teleportation formation.
Lorenzö—Lance is en route to the Celtic Tao embassy. If you're interested in furthering the Information Kiosk, meet him; there's a set of Embryonic Inquisitor advancement treasures waiting for you.
Where else would I go? bitterly thought Lorenzö. You ... destroyed my home. Twice.
That's the spirit!
"Death Bunny, Warden Abandinus has been informed of your arrival. Step onto the formation core for transport," instructed an agent.
That's my cue. Bye, Lorenzö, I'll miss you! Don't worry, my beloved employee; I'll be checking in on you regularly.
Yippee.
**
A'Zor'El: An eternal fixture of the gloomy depths. The barge, bordered by hexagonal ramparts of Timeless Tungsten, drifts about the wreckage of a sundered galaxy. Most horrid of her great many prisoners is the beast slumbering at her center: a singularity. The very ruin of a galaxy—indicted. And it, like all inductees, has never known escape.
—Compendium of A'Zor'El Penitentiary
**
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Attention Owner [Friend Bunny], the allotted duration of [one day] has elapsed. Returning operation to autonomous mode.
----------------------------------------
**
Warden Abandinus strolled to and fro. He appeared a colorless man armored in a grey hauberk with the Celtic God Dagda's cauldron emblazoned across his chest.
Gesturing to an officer at the rightmost end of the prisoner lineup, he intoned, "This is Daoist Hadley, captain of the guard. I am Arbiter Abandinus, the warden. You lot are sinners and scum—that!—is why you stand here on my barge.
"Rule number one: no blasphemy of the Celtic Tao Tribunal. I don't care if you hail from Mahāyāna, Elysium, or Tártaros; I will not have the Lords' names taken in vain in my prison.
"The other rules you'll find out for yourselves. Any questions?"
A con at the lineup's center asked, "What's the black hole for?"
Abandinus signaled Hadley, who marched to the inquirer's forefront.
"THE HOLE IS WHERE YOU SHIT. THE HOLE IS WHERE YOU PISS. THE HOLE IS WHERE YOUR SPIRITUAL ENERGY JERKS OFF TO. HOW ABOUT A DEMONSTRATION? YOU DICKLESS MAGGOT MOTHERFUCKER."
Hadley rammed his fist into the inmate's stomach, sending them breathless to their knees. Clutching their nape, he dragged them to the membrane separating the prison deck from the singularity's confluence and tossed them through.
"Ahhh!"—shwoomp!
"Any more questions?"
Silence.
Abandinus nodded. "I believe in a holy trinity: the Holy Lords led by Dagda, the singularity, and obedience. Sacrilege any of those three pieties, and you will repent.
"Put your faith in the Lords, gentledaoists. Your apertures belong to the hole, and your asses belong to me. Welcome to A'Zor'El."
"Off with them clothes, NOW!" screamed Hadley, his gaze greedily returning to the yawning quasar. "'Cept you, Inmate Death Bunny. Keep that fur on your body."
"Squeak-squeak!" the bunny saluted, curling back into a tranquil sleep.
Several naked glares bore into the ball of snowy white.
On the cusp of exiting the deck, Abandinus paused. "Bunny! Join me in the library—I've got work for you, rodent."
"Squeak!"