That night was the first night in a long while that I dreamt.

The air was cool and crisp; and gentle sunlight hung low on the scenery around me, filtering through trees and draping my surroundings in soft sunbeams.

I was in what appeared to be a swamp, the water seemed to almost glow a bright jade color as it spread out for as far as I could see.

A placid bright green surface spreading out before me, at a glance it almost looked like glass.

The trees that dotted the surface were a rich cocoa color with verdant tendril-like vines scaling them. Their deep green leaves shone like gems in the sunlight.

It must’ve rained here recently as sultry droplets of water were still dripping from some of their leaves and shining brilliantly as they caught the sunlight.

Even as I stood in the knee deep water it was far from unpleasant, the water felt like a comfortable warm blanket as it gently wrapped itself around my legs.

In all honesty it felt more like a bath than some naturally occurring body of water.

As I took in all this environment I was struck by what could best be called holy reverence. I couldn’t tell for sure as the trees eventually grew too numerous to see beyond, but I felt as if I were standing in a place far removed from any manner of man made structure.

A place untouched by civilization.

A holy site that could only be described as the heart of nature.

Then, as if bestowed upon me as if it were a gift from the sky, I heard soft laughter. It was neither obnoxious nor obtrusive rather, gentle and feminine like a bell singing in the soft summer breeze.

“You really mucked it up this time huh Mei?”

Just the caress of that formless, gentle voice sent a goosebump down the back of my neck. It was a pleasant, girlish voice that seemed to affectionately entwine itself around me, almost like a playful cat.

“But you’ve always been like this huh? So charmingly clumsy, like a kitten learning to walk.”

This sentence was followed by more cute laughter ringing out into the silence. As for myself, that state of holy reverence had been broken, a place like this was far too beautiful to be enjoyed with company.

It was akin to serving a carefully crafted five star meal to a young child who’d rather be at a fast food restaurant.

There were certain times that are best experienced alone.

Certain places that are experienced best in solitude.

Certain things that are better said with silence.

As soft and perfect as the voice was any sound would feel like it were trespassing in this resplendent scenery.

“Gosh, don’t be like that Mei. I even came all this way so we could spend some time together, just the two of us.”

There was a slight pause before, “Although I guess that little pouting face of yours is pretty cute too. I suppose that makes up for it.”

Another giggle.

To my knowledge I hadn’t changed my facial expression at all. This light and fluffy atmosphere only existed for one of us, rather all I felt was emptiness at this intrusion on my privacy.

“But really you said some mean things about that poor boy didn’t you? About how ‘weak’ he was, about he was your natural enemy. You’re such a troublesome child aren’t you?”

It had a sweet way of talking, like thick honey slipping down my throat. Everything it said was so sugar coated I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach.

“Hey, this is what you wanted wasn’t it? Someone to give you a smack on the bottom and scold you for what a bad girl you’ve been?”

If anyone else had said those words to me I would’ve taken them as mockery. Or rather I would have used all the power I could muster to beat that person within an inch of their life.

But at the moment it seemed less crude and more akin to a mother scolding a toddler. No hidden innuendos nor scorn were hidden in the voice.

“Fu fu fu, how like a child. Don’t worry though, that clumsy childish side of you is one of the things I love the most.”

I felt sicker and sicker.

“Just get to the point.” I said, an uncomfortable feeling spreading out from my stomach. Like a poison spreading through my innards.

“Now now, no need to be impatient silly.”

It was like there was a steady stream of honey dripping down my throat, it was all I could do to keep myself from gagging.

“Well, if you were to ask me I would agree with you. That boy is completely and undeniably weak. This is neither a matter of malice nor contempt, a simple statement of the facts.”

I could feel its grip on me loosen, its sticky honey covered entwinement of my being begin to slacken. Like it had wrapped around my neck and slowly and sweetly begun choking the life out of me before I’d noticed, but now was loosening.

The cold crisp air filled my lungs and burned.

The degrees of closeness with which it had addressed me had been stifling.

“If you were to ask me from what I saw it was the opposite of what you said. Rather, you were his natural enemy.”

“...”

“After all, strength is the natural enemy of weakness. You’re such a difficult existence for people like that, you’re strong and pigheaded and at the same time you hold other people to the same standard you create for yourself.”

“...”

“What exactly did you think cornering that boy would do?”

“Well..”

‘If I force him to confront the truth he’ll have to come up with a better way of living.’ I suppose naive thoughts like that were going through my head at the time. In the end I suppose it was exactly like Boss had said, and in the end what had been the correct choice for me had only served to hurt Tiran.

“Why I wouldn’t be surprised if that poor boy went and offed himself. Fu fu, you’re horrible as always Mei.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am.”

“Even after all this time you still haven’t changed a bit. Even now you’re making the same mistakes you always do.”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t worry Mei, no matter how terrible you are, no matter how disgusting you become I’ll always love you.”

That sick feeling I’d been subjected to earlier came back full force almost causing me to double over with nausea.

“Fu fu, even your sick face is adorable.”

The voice cooed, another disgusting giggle following its words.

“Well, as much as I’d love to lock you away and keep you all to myself it seems like our time is coming to an end.”

The voice let out a dainty little “hmph” after spewing such sickly sweet words into my ears. Like a snake whispering sweet nothings to its prey before devouring them whole.

“Don’t be lonely my little Mei, I’ll be by your side even if you can’t see me. I’m always watching over you, I’ll always be here if you need someone to cry to. I’ll always love you.”

Those words sunk into my gut like a fist from a pro fighter. It was if someone had dropped a mass of iron onto my stomach, I could feel them pressing and compressing my vital organs.

“Now then, don’t worry I’ll stop by again later. So put up with the distance for just a little while longer for me mkay?”

My eyes flew open and I immediately sat up in my bed. My breath was ragged and my heart was beating a mile a minute. An uncomfortable cold sweat clung to my body despite the warm Summer day and my body seemed to ache down to my very bones.

I felt like I’d had a nightmare.

A terrible dream that I’d never want to see again. But for the life of me I couldn’t recall any of the details.

And then it hit me.

Waves of nausea like the growing tide washed over me. I fell out of bed with a loud crash and scrambled into the small nearby bathroom where I sat doubled over and retching into the toilet.

I don’t usually eat much before bed, by the time I make it home I more or less barely have enough energy to shower before passing out.

As such I was subjected to that particular kind of torture. When there’s nothing in your stomach and yet your body stubbornly tries to purge itself. It was if something had been stealthily slipped into me during my sleep and now my body was desperately trying to extricate the contaminants.

Like it was rejecting the very essence of something. My mind was still hazy from just waking up, so for the life of me I couldn’t think of what could be the cause of this.

So I just rode it out. The cycle of calm waiting before prostrating myself, it was akin to some kind of holy worship. And then finally after about an hour it subsided.

And so it went, that as I laid on the cold tile full of exhaustion I could hear my alarm start to go off from the other room.

My stomach ached and it felt like my muscles had been forcibly tightened until the point of rupturing. There was a burning sensation in my throat and my voice was hoarse and cracked. The thin film of cold sweat had grown to the point where my neat white shirt I wore to bed was drenched.

I practically crawled out of the bathroom to the nightstand by my bed where my phone was. It was blaring some catchy rock song I’d heard somewhere a while back and liked to the point of making an alarm out of it.

As much as I enjoyed the cold hard tile the walls in this apartment were pretty thin and even if this was in the afternoon I didn’t want to be a nuisance.

I had about another hour until I’d miss my bus, but for the moment the most I could muster was to lie down on the hardwood floor and just stare at the wall, finding shapes and patterns amid the ridges and bumps on it.

I had absolutely no appetite. I’m usually the kind of person who forces herself to eat breakfast regardless, but right now I just didn’t have the energy. Eggs and toast with milk were my go to, but at the time just imagining solid food in my mouth was enough to make my stomach start to twist into a knot.

And yet, as terrible as I felt in the end it was a sort of vindication. This was what I deserved. Those old feelings of self loathing had managed to scrape their way back into my heart and I didn’t have the energy to tear them off again.

And so that was how my day started.

In the end I managed to pull myself up and change into my work clothes, and while I still couldn’t bear to eat anything I did manage to sip some water.

Even as I watched the shows I normally do before work on the small tv in my kitchen I couldn’t bring my mind to focus on them.

After that I slipped on my comfortable black overcoat and made my way outside. It wasn’t particularly hot nor was it particularly humid and yet I could feel the sun rays beating down on my like an iron curtain.

I must’ve looked especially terrible since as I passed the landlady on the way to the bus stop she caught my arm out of concern.

Heck on top of offering to get me some medicine she even suggested I call into work sick.

I did my best to assuage her concerns and tried to hurry on my way. Something small like this wasn’t big enough to warrant that kind of concern. As long as I could still move then I could still work.

That was my philosophy.

Causing such concern over a simple and small thing was enough to cause my empty stomach to fill with shame.

In the end because of my slow trudging pace I made it to my stop just as my bus rounded the corner and pulled alongside it. If I had let myself dawdle for even a minute more I most likely would have to wait a half hour for the next one.

Usually I prefer to arrive at least fifteen minutes early just to be sure, but I suppose this time it couldn’t be helped.

The bus ride was a blur, I sat down on the rough fabric that covered the plastic seats and the next thing I knew I had pulled the line more on instinct than anything and gotten off at my stop. Silently relieved I hadn’t missed it in my weakened state I made my way off the bus and found myself at the same corner I always did.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

This town I lived in that sat itself so comfortably by the sea was built on a hill, as such aside from a few houses and the wharf simply looking gave me a wonderful view of the vast sea.

From the trickle of the water flowing its way from the gutter to the sea to the green tree tops that gently swayed in the ocean breeze the scenery seemed to tug at me every time I stepped off that bus, and this time even more so.

Somewhere far off I heard the bus’ engine roar to life as it continued its vigil around town.

Somewhere far off I could feel my shallow footsteps take me to the stop sign at the intersection.

Somewhere far off I could hear the sound of cars receding into the distance.

The only thing I could bring myself to focus on was the vast expanse of sea. Once again those familiar thoughts filled my head, I’ve overstayed my welcome in this town, this was no place for me, I didn’t belong.

Someone like me didn’t deserve the peace I’d found here.

If I stayed here I’d just end up repeating the same mistakes over and over until I was thrown out like last time.

Such wicked thoughts were seductively whispered inside my brain, and I couldn’t bring myself to refute any of them.

Even now their eyes still burned themselves into my memory, they were less human beings and more immaculate statues glaring upon all who were present.

Their voices once again resounded through my being.

It was all my fault. It was all my fault. It was all my fault.

Over and over.

Over and over.

There are some mistakes that can’t be fixed, and there are some wounds that would never heal. In the end I suppose people like me just didn’t deserve to be happy. In the end it was better if I just left everything here behind. In the end it was better if I disappeared. In the end solitude is the only thing a person like me deserves. In the end-

“Oy there you are! Jesus you had me worried.”

I visibly jumped as his voice tore me from my thoughts.

“Cripes kid, just how long have you been standing there?”

I turned my head and just like on that day I could see a disgusting sketchy looking man before me. He had gaudy gold rimmed sunglasses on and messy pale blonde hair. With his fancy pin-striped vest over a dress shirt and red tie, those formal accents only made him seem sketchier.

Rather than the humble owner of a bar he looked more like the kind of person who would personally throw themselves in front of your car to collect the insurance money.

“I know I joked about you being ten minutes late, but an hour is nothing to joke about Mei.”

An hour?

I struggled to comprehend what he meant. I’d just gotten off the bus, then wandered to this stop sign and then… and then…

Sure enough the oranges reds and golds of the sunrise had long since passed me by. Rather a deep purple and blue was all that was left in the sky, some stars were starting to finally poke their heads out from wherever they were hiding.

The moon itself was starting its ascension to the sky.

It was just as he’d said, at the very least an hour must have passed since I’d gotten off my bus. The air had cooled down and the night’s chill was just beginning to take effect.

“Sorry, Boss.” I managed to croak out. I could feel my cheeks begin to flush with shame at letting myself get carried away and causing trouble for him too.

He let out another of his sighs and approached me, before pausing.

“Wow you look terrible. Did you get hit by a bus or something?”

“I’m fine, I’ll head to work soon. Sorry Boss.” was all I could muster.

Yet he caught me as I tried to hurriedly push past him to the bar.

“The fuck you will, Jesus Mei have you eaten at all?”

“I had some water. I’ll be okay.”

I felt his hand clamp tightly around my wrist. It hurt a little but I didn’t have the energy to protest.

“Not on my watch, c’mon missy first thing’s first we’re getting some food in you.”

All I could do was stumble awkwardly as he pulled me along away from the bar. I felt like a stupid kid that’d thrown a tantrum and was being forcibly led from the store by an embarrassed parent.

“What about the Bar Boss?”

“Ha! Like I do anything there anyway, Jirard can handle things himself.”

Poor Jirard.

And so we stayed like that, me with my head down awkwardly trying to keep my balance as Boss practically dragged me forward. His pace seemed so fast, it was like I could hardly keep up with him.

Finally we entered what looked to be a diner and I heard a voice ring out. “Welco- James I told you you’re welcome whenever but kidnapping is a crime. If the police stop by here I’ll be the first one to rat you out y’know.”

The voice seemed feminine, though it had been made gruff by what must’ve been countless cigarettes. Just when I was wondering who this ‘James’ was I heard Boss yell back “Oy shut it Deloras, nice to know where I stand on your priorities.”

“Kid have you seen the cops around here? I’d sell you out in a second if I could get a few of them to spend some time with me.”

“Ugh please don’t give me that mental image.” Boss muttered before taking me to a booth and sitting me down.

Lifting my head a little I found myself in unfamiliar surroundings. It felt like an old diner with checkerboard tile and a bar at the center where a grey haired old woman stood with a grin plastered across her face.

Noticing my gaze and catching sight of me the woman that must’ve been Deloras turned to Boss, “Where’d you find this one James? She’s pale as a sheet, the strays you keep bringing by here look healthier than her.”

“ ‘This one’ is my subordinate Mei, I was wondering why she didn’t show up for work and found her just spacing out on a street corner.”

Deloras gave an indignant huff and turned to me “Mei, if this guy over here is overworking ya or anything don’t be afraid to report him to the authorities.”

“What makes you think I had anything to do with this!?”

“You’re her superior, knowing you the amount of crap you put her through on a daily basis could be the cause of this. Why if it weren’t for that wonderful gentleman I swear your bar would’ve gone under ten times by now.”

“Yeah yeah will you shut it already? Just get me the usual while I see what’s wrong.”

These kinds of fights seemed like a regular occurrence between these two. Rather than Diner owner and her customer they were more like brother and sister… though I suppose the age gap was rather severe.

After a moment’s silence Boss handed me a laminated menu “Here, pick whatever you like.”

“I’m fine Boss, I’m not hungry.”

“What? you think I’ll try and make you foot the bill? At least have some faith in me.” When I didn’t respond to his obvious set up he forced the menu into my hands.

“It’s on me alright, just make sure you eat it all.”

“...”

Boss let out a long sigh before continuing “I told you didn’t I, and yet here you are after sticking your nose where it didn’t belong.”

“Someone had to do something and you and Jirard weren’t bothering…”

“Jeez you sound like sulking child.”

I felt sick, I don’t know why but those words that came nonchalantly out of his mouth made me sick to my very core.

“But still, I suppose that was the only thing you could think to do huh? Rather than give him his personal space, rather than giving him time to sort it out himself you dove right in like some big damn hero.”

“But what if it never got better? What if it only got worse? What if in the end he…”

“What if what if what if Christ… for a silly hard headed young lady you sure get caught up on the smallest things don’t you?”

Boss took his sunglasses off, carefully folded them and stuck them in his vest pocket. His eyes were an ice blue, if they’d been any paler they would have been white.

“Everyone makes mistakes Mei, and everyone has their own ways of dealing with them. It may take some time and they may stumble along the way, but they’ll solve it eventually. You learn more by falling down than being propped up.”

“It’s my fault. Whatever happens now is my fault… my responsibility… you said so yourself Boss.”

“Yeah and? Responsibilities aren’t absolute things. Knowing you, you’re the type that tackles everything at once and gets overwhelmed. But you know, if it’s going to see you end up like this it’s okay to shirk. It’s fine to laze about if this is the alternative. All you need to do is bow your head and apologize later.”

“That’s terrible Boss…”

“Ha, sure it is. But self care is the most important part of living. There’s no greater responsibility you have than to yourself.”

“You’re terrible Boss…”

He truly was a horrible role model, honestly who goes around telling people to shirk their obligations and to laze about.

Such a terrible, horrible boss, and even yet I could feel the knots in my chest begin to unravel one at a time and hot tears began to filter out of my eyes.

“If you ask me Mei, Sloth was only labeled a sin because of jealousy. Everyone gets so wound up in obligations and expectations that seeing other people break away from all that to get some time to themselves fills them with envy.”

“Oy… you’re talking about one of the cardinal sins here…”

“Yeah? What’s ambition without greed? Or satisfaction without pride? Motivation without envy? Everything is fine in moderation.”

“That sounds like some kind of two bit fortune cookie…” My voice was still weak and awkward but at the very least I was feeling a little better.

“Hey Mei, why did you want to help him?”

“Huh?”

“He’s just some brat that showed up one day, what’s so important about some weird kid’s issues? Why bother getting involved.”

“Well… why did you pick me up three months ago? Why was I so special that you practically got down on your knees and begged me to work for you?”

“Heh, well I wouldn’t have been on my knees if you hadn’t punched me y’know?”

“I said I was sorry didn’t I…”

“Yeah yeah, well if you had to ask me it was because you were like one of the characters from my favorite samurai movie.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yep, one look on your face and I could tell that you were looking for a place to die. So I thought what a shame for someone so young, and decided to try and take advantage of you while I could heh heh.”

“You were actually sounding like a decent person till that last part there Boss…”

“You’re still here aren’t you? If you ask me the deal worked out nicely for both of us.”

“Can’t you just help people without expecting anything in return?”

“Please! Show me someone who helps others expecting nothing in return and I’ll show you a goddamned liar and con artist. Besides if you ask me there’s no greater arrogance than helping someone at no benefit to yourself.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Think of what you’re saying, the scales aren’t balanced. You’re swooping down from the heavens and solving their problems for them, what kind of debt are they accruing towards you? Rather than helping them aren’t you just proving how wretched they are? Aren’t you just marking them as a thing to be pitied?”

Deloras had brought us some ice water, which boss took a break from his tirade to gulp some down.

“If you ask me, rather than one sided kindness give and take is far better. Rather than establishing yourself as some sort of savior, isn’t it better for the other party if you’re both on equal terms? Rather than saddling them with a debt for the rest of their lives, give them the satisfaction of having earned their salvation.”

It was a twisted devilish rhetoric, but I’d be lying if I couldn’t see the logic behind it. No one truly desires to be pitied. In such a case when possible, establishing an action that helps the needy party while preserving their dignity does sound like the best case scenario.

Then again there are times when I think that kind of thinking can do more harm than good.

“Well that’s just me, you’re free to have whatever kind of philosophy you want.” Boss said, downing the rest of his water.

Deloras came out with what looked to be an apple pie with vanilla ice cream on top, after a few ribbings at Boss’ expense she took her vigil behind the counter again.

“So tell me Mei, why did you want to help that Boy? Was it to lord your status as savior over him? To be a life changing adult that shapes young impressionable children’s mind?”

“No… nothing like that.”

“Huhhhh? So you’re saying you’re some kind of superhero huh?” I could tell he was teasing me, trying to lighten the mood.

“If I had to say why, I wanted to help him for myself. There was someone a long time ago that I never helped and because of that I’ve regretted it ever since.”

“You don’t need to go into details if you don’t want to.” came Boss’ nonchalant answer. But still I was grateful for it, rather than puke up my guts for him, keeping that thing locked inside my heart was much more preferable.

“So I feel like now, I need to do something.. I need to take action so this time things’ll end differently. If not for him, than for myself.”

“Sounds fine to me, as long as you keep that in mind. Know who you’re helping and why you are.”

“But I just don’t know how I can help him… what more can I say to him…”

Boss took a bit to answer as he was enjoying his pie but once his mouth was cleared he finally did.

“Didn’t you do enough already? Do you really need to do so much just to satisfy your own guilt?”

“You saw his face didn’t you? That look in his eyes… it was just like…”

“Looking in a mirror huh? Well at least you’re self aware ha ha.” Some crumbs from Boss’ pie spilled out of his mouth as he laughed like a jackass.

“But I just don’t know what else to say…I can’t solve the kid’s problems… I can’t even wrap my head around what he’d have to do to preserve all those things he sees…”

“Hmm, well it seems you’ve at least reflected on things.” Boss said finishing his pie and leaning back in the booth. “I have a bit of a feeling as to what went wrong so I’ll give you a clue.”

“A clue?”

“Of course, it’s your mess you need to solve it yourself.”

“What do you get out of this.” I asked suspiciously of him.

“I get my employee to stop spacing out for an hour on some street corner and actually come to work.”

Well...I couldn’t exactly refute that…

“The message was right, but I think your approach was off, I guess you could say the devil was in the details.”

“Huh? What kind of vague hint is that?”

“Hey Mei, do you know what Kaleidoscope means?”

“Of course, it’s one of those cylinders you look through to see a bunch of intricate designs and colors from refracted light right?”

“I guess so? But that’s way too literal for what I was looking for.”

“Make your questions more clear then Boss.”

“The word Kaleidoscope comes from the roots: Kalos or beauty, Eidos which is form or shape, and Skopeo or to look or examine. If you were to give that word meaning it’d be something akin to ‘observation of beautiful forms”

“Huh? I don’t get what you’re saying…”

“The kid is talking about viewing the future as through a kaleidoscope. But rather than that isn’t he just caught up in the beauty of possibility? Using a kaleidoscope you can’t actually see the path you’re treading all you can see is the beautiful spinning patterns and colors.”

For the first time in the past twenty four hours I began to feel a bit of hope. My insides had almost fully untied themselves and slowly but surely energy was returning back to my body.

“Rather than focus on some problem with super powers can’t things be simplified much more?”

“Simplified huh…”

“Yep, then again that’s just my opinion. It’s up to you to figure out a plan of attack.” Boss flashed another of his shady smiles at me.

“Boss, I’m going to find Tiran and knock some sense into the kid.”

“Oh come on” He gave a mock sigh and spread his arms “Just remember assault is a crime young lady.”

“I know, and hey boss?”

“Hm?”

I wish you’d keep your nosey nature to yourself, and can’t you at least learn to act your age?

“I’m really glad you found me today.”

It’s just been one thing after another working for you, can’t you give me a break?

“I’m really glad that you hired me.” I said with the first smile in what felt like ages plastered on my face like some kind of stupid kid.

“Yeah yeah, just don’t make a habit of it.” Boss lightly waved me off as if it hardly mattered to him.

Hunger was finally setting in after the terrible wake up I’d had. After everything that happened it felt like it’d been days since I’d eaten. Just the smell of Boss’ pie was enough to almost bring drool to my lips.

“Hey Boss, is it alright if I order the center cut steak?”

“Ha? What’d I tell you earlier? Order anything as long as you eat it all. I may be a lot of things but I aint a cheapskate when it comes to dates.”

If this was any other time I would’ve gone as far as to not ordering a thing at his ‘date’ comment. The last thing I needed was this shady old guy bragging about how we went on a date and how I was head over heels for him.

But for some reason I didn’t feel like starting that.

“Thanks Boss, I appreciate it.”

He gave a bemused laugh.

“Just make sure you don’t keep that lonely problem child waiting too long now.”

And so with food in my belly and a newfound sense of relief hanging over my heart my preparations for my final showdown with Tiran was done.

All that remained, was the final battle itself.