It was all black and crimson in the hall with only a dim golden light above as well as flashes of light blue. Thousands and thousands of droplets flew through the air every second. People were rushing forward only to be ripped to pieces. In the middle of it, there seemed to be a man. But it did not move like a man does. It jolted in one direction or the other and lashed out. Such movements should've abused its body if it hadn't possessed some kind of brutal force that reinforced its every movement.

In that moment, place, and time, even as Aurelius' heart went wild, he felt that it would suddenly just stop if he met that person's eyes.

And suddenly, as if reading his fear, that thing amid the shower of blood caught Aurelius in its gaze, small eyes like two bright rings in the darkness. The thing jolted once more, but now straight towards him. It reaped its way through bodies in motion and was upon him.

Aurelius had never felt so small until that instant. He felt an ache from below and looked down to find that the base of his throat had been pierced by that thing's bare hand. He looked up, and its eyes stared into him. They were a strong shade of blue that emanated a power that made Aurelius' ears buzz. Only then did he notice that thing's golden hair, sharp features, perfect symmetry, and that it was him.

He reached forward, but in a flash, his arms flew off, and without a single change in expression, the thing moved again, and Aurelius felt a slash split his face in half.

***

Aurelius gasped for breath, his fingernails digging into his chest as he sat with hunched posture. The room was all black and gray. Gradually, he managed to calm himself down and wiped the cold sweat off his forehead.

On many mornings, he was in so much pain and discomfort that he couldn't even spare a thought for his dreams. Those were the mornings he preferred.

It was even a little nice to feel the bandaged parts of his thighs ache when he hadn't had sensation in them for months.

"Aurelius?" Cade's voice came from behind.

Startled, Aurelius turned to look to his side where Cade was rubbing her eyes. "What?"

She hadn't slept beside him ever since he woke up from his slumber after the battle with Gadreel. And that had been just in case something happened. But she was there now.

Aurelius couldn't help his thoughts. She was wearing a loose shirt that exposed a round shoulder. Aurelius' hands twitched, hesitating to move. His eyes lingered on her lips. Was there some natural way to take a hold of her?

Cade tilted her head and showed a little smile. She didn't respond, but Aurelius had forgotten what he'd asked. He smiled back. Cade chuckled a little, her voice light. That alone made the pain seem less important.

Cade rose up to sit with him. She slid closer and put a hand to his forehead. "You're still having nightmares, huh?"

"How'd you know?" Aurelius asked, having kept quiet about them intentionally.

"You scream and wrangle sometimes," Cade said, wiping his long matted hair from his eyes.

Aurelius fell quiet, casting his gaze down and styling his hair by himself, fighting Cade's hands off.

Cade withdrew his hand with a frown. "What are they about?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why?"

"It's not important. They're just dreams."

"About Gadreel, right? You know, maybe he's haunting you because you never talk about it."

She didn't understand. It wasn't just that, but she would've dismissed the other things if he would've told her. Aurelius groaned, his eyes narrowing as he looked around. "We have better, more important things to talk about."

They hadn't talked a word about their futures. Where they would live, what they would do, and not even about what 'they' were. All that filled Aurelius' mind were ghosts of the past, of Arkryk, Gadreel, and himself. And Cade just wanted to know what was going through his head, so they never got anywhere.

"Oh, do we?" Cade asked, growing combative. "A shame we don't talk about them either."

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk."

Cade sighed. "At this rate..."

Aurelius pressed his hands to his temples. 'How can I make you understand?' he thought.

"Why are you even here?" he asked.

Cade clicked her tongue. "I came here to see how you were doing because I care, and I accidentally fell asleep. So how about you answer the question?"

"Fine. Why don't I talk to you about certain things? Because I'm trying to put pressure on a wound, and if I reach out to you, I'll lose it, and the blood will go everywhere. And that's with all of it. I don't want to dump it on you, so I don't know why you push it." He met her gaze and didn't waver.

"What if I want you to dump it on me?"

"I won't."

"Because you don't want to feel better?"

"No, that—"

"Admit it! This is just your way of further punishing yourself." She sighed, giving him a sympathetic look. "I know you, Rey."

"No, you don't," Aurelius snapped. "I'm not Rey. I'm not even Aurelius." Aurelius put his greasy hands on his face. "All my time in Arkryk. It was all a ploy, a damn waste of my life. I forfeit my soul for nothing because I am nothing. I'd expect you at least to know that, but you don't." His voice turned into almost a whine.

"Good God." Cade pushed him on the shoulder. "Always a fucking pity party with you."

"What pity?" Aurelius growled. "I don't want your fucking pity. I want you to understand what I am. Even when I was strong, I was nothing." He pulled at his own hair. "Even this damn hair that my father gave me... It means nothing."

Cade was taken aback but quickly grabbed him to stop him from pulling it off. "Stop it! What's wrong with you?"

"I want you to stop helping me."

"Fuck you." Cade materialized a blade that illuminated their faces. "Here. If you want to cut it off, go ahead."

Aurelius promptly grabbed her hand and cut off a large chunk of hair.

"Hey, watch it! You're gonna shave your scalp off, dumbass."

Aurelius ignored her and kept cutting away at the head of hair he'd accumulated. A certain emptiness flooded him as he did it. It had been his prized feature all his life. He'd trimmed it closely and washed it even when he didn't bother to wash the rest of himself. His hands and scalp went numb. A sharp sound followed another, and weighty chunks dispersed into light strands that floated down. Soon, all the hair he had left was less than one third of his index finger in length.

The bed was covered in scattered golden hair, and Cade looked at him in awe.

"I lied to you," Aurelius said, a grave look in his eyes. "About Kendrick. I'm traveling to the western continent. For the Zalfarian War."

Cade laughed, her expression unchanging. "You what?" Aurelius remained still. "You're serious?"

"I'm so—" Aurelius was saying, when Cade smacked him. His head twisted and the side of his face went numb. He turned back, holding his cheek in his hand.

Cade only got angrier and pushed him so hard he fell off the bed and his back hit the wall. She then jumped off the bed and walked around in circles holding her head. "No, you're not doing this again. Are you out of your mind? How? You can't even use essence!"

Aurelius leaned against the wall. "This is who I am."

"You just got paralyzed and almost died, but now you're going to leave me again just so that you can go die in a war you have nothing to do with?! Well, go ahead. I don't care. Just get out of my sight."

'I should let her go," Aurelius thought, his tired eyes narrowing.

Then he suddenly held up a hand to stop her from leaving. "Wait!"

Then he gritted his teeth and began to rise. Slowly, using the wall as support, he stood. And with weak, painful steps he made his way to her. Before falling onto his knees before her.

She seemed stunned. She let him take her hand and press it to his forehead. "I'll stop apologizing now. I know I'll never stop being like this. If I'm being honest, I never wanted to live a peaceful life, and that's why I'm probably never going to have one. But now I realize that I've been going on about my dreams in the wrong way. You're right that I blame myself for everything, but that's because I see my flaws so clearly. They haunt me every second of every day. I'll work to get rid of them, but I don't think I ever will." He looked up at her. "Will you still be my companion?"

There was a moment of silence, Cade's shallow breathing the only sound. Then she tenderly touched his red cheek. "I'm sorry," she said, holding back a sob.

He took her hand. "Let's stop saying sorry to each other so much. We know." He smiled up at her. "Even though I drive you crazy and never stop, do you want to be with me?"

"But how are you going to do it?"

"Get back my essence?" Aurelius got serious. "I discovered something in my reading. Solomon is alive. I have an idea of how I... we can find him, and I know he can lead me to a deeper understanding of essence. After that, I can aid Zalfari in defeating Kendrick, claim my whatever inheritance I have, make things right in Mircrest and Arkryk, and finally... I'll return home."

Cade shook her head. "You're unbelievable. And you really want me to come with you? What happened to 'protecting' me, like when you left me alone for Arkryk?"

"'One of my many mistakes and one I won't repeat. If you're worried about the war—"

"I'm not worried about the war." She shook her head. "So this is it, huh? Even after everything, this is still what you want to do with your life. Sail across the Great Ocean to put an end to history's greatest warmonger. Is there no easier way to make a difference?"

Aurelius smiled faintly. "Not for me."

Cade sighed, and there was a moment of silence. Surprisingly, Aurelius didn't feel that tense. Eventually, Cade nodded. "Well, in any case, I'm with you. Someone needs to watch your back."

"Thank you... for everything."

"Stop it. You're almost starting to sound positive." With that, she was off.

Aurelius scooted over to lean on the nearest wall and think. He looked out of the window and saw the shadow of a dead man reflected behind him.

"You're sick, holding onto her like that." Gadreel's voice echoed in his head with the spiteful charm unique to him. "You'll destroy her just like you did to yourself."

Aurelius looked up at the roof, ignoring the warning. He was beginning to trust experience over instincts. But of one thing he was sure. Both experience and instinct agreed on it.

'The arrow of destiny points to the west.'