Chapter 44: Rainy Days

I regretted ever using my weapon. Oh sure, it go me off of contracts.

But, and I was fairly sure this was a punishment from Konoha for not informing them of my abilities, it got me on to the border adjustment teams.

If I thought endless, repetitive discussions about shipping were bad, I quickly learned that it could get so much worse. Each of those twenty six new mini-nations needed to have their borders fixed. And while we could have used old provincial boundaries (and did), Lightning had been divided into far fewer provinces, yet far more counties. And all their nobles thought this was an excellent opportunity to bring up how so-and-so’s grandfather had stolen their land, or this marriage agreement needed to be enforced, bringing these fields over into their lands in a now different nation. And on, and on, and on.

To make it worse, both the Fire and Whirlpool courts had assigned their own bureaucrats and minor nobles to the problem, and so every discussion had one from each nation (and often, for the more important discussions especially, even more bureaucrats, up to ones from every member of our alliance). So not only did I have to mediate the arguments from the locals, their lords, and the new governors (all of whom may have different views on whose land they belonged in), but after that I had to get the most quarrelsome group of functionaries it was ever my displeasure to meet to agree to some solution.

Sounds torturous?

But that wasn’t all! No, to make it extra annoying, there were the bribes. So many fucking bribes. And for such petty things, in such petty amounts. And not just the people involved, no. Third party villages, towns, nobles, and governors were all happy to stick their oar in too, sabotaging the talks or driving them to some result that would in turn help them.

I wanted back on shipping contracts!

It got to the point where I decided to pull rank. I’d been promoted to Viscount, or Lord of the Third Rank, and given a parcel of territory near to Seal-Hawk Island in return for my actions, and as payment for handing my seal design over to the Uzumaki sealing department. That meant I was one of the more senior individuals participating at the level of talks that I mediated. Which in turn made me capable of pissing everyone off by starting the day at six in the morning, and ending at nine at night; there were no food or water breaks.

The others functionaries started becoming much less obstreperous after a week of this torture. Oh, we still had to deal with all the different locals’ positions and arguments, but no amount of bribe money was worth a burst bladder to already financially comfortable functionaries, and they were far too tired for courtesans to whisper in their ears. After week, the minor flunkies had learned the cost of being obstructionist, and I changed my rules so that we could leave as soon as the day’s business was done. Honestly, at that point the functionaries were too willing to come to an agreement, but as long as I did my duty, and fairly evaluated the situation (which I did no matter how much the process was driving me insane), the result was no worse than what others were managing, and better than most.

After all, I wanted balkanization, trade conflict, multi-national economic opportunities, and a good bit of ninja operations mixed with the occasional military “police” action. But I certainly did not want never-ending internal hatred and slaughter. Even if it was miserable, I was willing to do the work for my part of that outcome.

It was still months of tedium though, and I was starting to think we’d made a mistake becoming jonin. As chunin, we could do the whole roving troubleshooter thing, which was honestly a fair bit more exciting. I had learned that while I liked the concept of the Arbitrators, the reality meant lots and lots of listening to stupid people give stupid arguments over stupid things, taking fools seriously, doing the same damned thing again and again and again, all while dressed in my least comfortable clothing and exhibiting perfect manners.

So the negotiations dragged on, conducted in the Land of Hotsprings (our nearest Pact nation to Lightning). At least after I tamed my particular group of fellow negotiators we were making progress, and I had time to train in the afternoons. Not that I could do anything particularly interesting. After my contribution to causing Lightning’s fall, everyone was watching me. I don’t think it would be exaggerating to say that a full tenth of all the various spies in Hotspring’s capital during the negotiations that were literally reshaping the political situation in the Elemental Nations were there not for the negotiations, but for me.

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Which, flattering, granted, but holy fuck was it annoying to have so many eyes on me everywhere. I felt like I was in that movie, the Truman Show, where that guy is living inside a dome as the subject of a reality show without actually knowing. Except I knew.

I tried to have a bit of fun with it. For example, I really enjoyed varying my route to the building where we held negotiations every few days. It was hilarious how I’d change route, and then the next day the very same roadside vendors and layabouts who’d been along my previous route just magically decided to switch where they sold stuff (or stood about, depending on their cover).

The worst part was the food. We had to bring all of our rations in seals from Uzushiogakure for fear of poisoning. And that meant a lot of pretty shitty MRE-style rations. At least when I was doing shipping contracts we got some nice seafood.

Then, about three months into the negotiations, four since I’d broken Lightning, I was saved.

“Uzumaki-san, it’s nice to see you,” said Yamanaka Ito, the head of the Konoha Diplomatic Division and my boss’s boss, greeting me politely as I entered his office. He’d relocated to help manage the balkanization.

I bowed lightly. “Likewise, Yamanaka-san.” We saw each other at least weekly for the end-of-week summaries and analysis sessions. That had been two days ago. But Yamanaka Ito was a bit of a stickler for the proprieties. By which what I really meant to say was he was totally OCD. Even if I’d seen him that morning, I’d get some similarly inane but polite greeting.

“There is a new mission for you. From the Daimyo himself,” he informed me.

My eyes widened imperceptibly. The timing was a bit odd; given how long it had been since I’d acted to resolve the impending invasion, I doubted it was anything to do with that, or just personal interest. And it could only be diplomatic, given my posting.

“How may I serve his excellency?” I inquired.

“The Hanzo situation remains unresolved, and Fire’s most recent envoy has been sent home. Nara Mei will brief you fully on the situation. But to summarize, you are charged with negotiating with Hanzo, Regent of Rain. He must step down from ruling the country, or at the very least continue as regent only after he swears fealty to Hideki Susumu, and swears to end the regency by Susumu’s eighteenth year, whether Susumu survives or not. He must also agree to open Rain for trade, and either destroy the bandits and missing-nin hiding within that country, or allow Pact forces entry to do so. This is his final chance; should you be refused, it is likely that Rain will be invaded or destroyed.”

Wow. I guessed the Fire Daimyo had had enough of Hanzo. I could see why they were sending me. Technically, I was around the right rank of noble, and seniority (or lack thereof) to negotiate with Hanzo without it looking like we were giving him so much diplomatic face (an Eastern concept including dignity, prestige, honor, and public standing) that we effectively recognized his de facto rule over Rain. I was also strong enough that he’d think twice before kicking me out, or trying anything really.

Likely most importantly, I was a very obvious reminder of what might happen if he refused our offers.

Honestly, it wasn’t that unreasonable. What Hanzo had done, taking control over the country, was not an accepted outcome politically. Ninja didn’t rule. Period. The Daimyos were very firm about that, especially after the Hidden Village system came to be. Arguably, the head of any of the villages was the single strongest vassal, if not in direct military power, than certainly in subtle military power. All the rulers had a strong vested interest in preventing their Kages from getting ideas above their station, as did the majority of the samurai chakra-active noble houses.

“Thank you for this opportunity, Yamanaka-san,” I said. I wasn’t smiling, because that wouldn’t be proper, by my aura was positively radiating my happiness. Travel, negotiating with Hanzo, more travel… I was willing to bet I could drag it out to two months, by which point the Lightning balkanization negotions were scheduled to be finished.

I was free!

He looked like he was about to reply and ask what I meant (he had this particular way of raising his eyebrow just before doing so), so I shot him a look. “You know what I mean.”

“Yes, these negotiations have been trying,” he commented. “But that was all I had to say. Nara-san is expecting you at two in the afternoon.”

I bowed, and left to go give Sachiko and Yasu the good news.

The next day, we departed, headed for the Fire Capital to pick up our official escort. The Daimyo was sending a century of his royal guard as my escort, another sign of how he was taking the situation seriously and willing to throw down if needed.

Leaving at the head of an excellently turned out detachment of the royal guard, off to hopefully avert a major war, friends at my side, I smiled.

This, I thought, was exactly what I signed up for.

I was living the dream.

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Why does everything in the ninja world end up in fire and slaughter!?

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