I was feeling pretty good when I got to my room. Izzy was in there talking to Zeke, the black-haired fae elf. “Hey guys, what’s happening?” I asked as I deposited the caltrops and mirror in the sack I used for a backpack.

Izzy waved an acknowledgement of me distractedly. Zeke didn’t take any notice of my presence at all. “I think I need to tell him.” Izzy said, holding a partially full flagon to her nose and wrinkling it at the smell.

“I really wish you wouldn’t.” Zeke told her.

“He’s the only alchemist we have access to, so maybe he’ll be able to shed some light on it. I’m certainly stumped.” Izzy said emphatically.

Alchemist? So they were definitely talking about me. “What’s up guys?” I turned to look at them. Zeke looked embarrassed, putting his eyes on the ground.

The fae elf sighed deeply. “Okay… I came to Izzy thinking I had an STD.”

My eyebrows climbed my forehead. Why would he approach Izzy about a sexually transmitted disease? “Do you think you got it from her? ‘Cause that’s none of my business.”

“No ass.” Izzy said, throwing her pillow at me.

“It burns when I pee, and it’s getting worse.” Zeke told me.

“Hmm, I guess we can’t exactly get you a shot of penicillin to clear that up, right?” I sat down on my bunk, trying to act professional when I wanted to giggle.

“That’s the thing. I haven’t hooked up with anyone since we’ve been here, but it’s all I can think of.” The lanky elf shrugged, his ears hanging down despondently.

“Smell this.” Izzy said, handing me the flagon.

I took a deep whiff. It smelled like some type of fuel. “What is this kerosene? Lamp oil?” I swished it around, looking into the flagon. It was a thick orange fluid.

“That’s Zeke’s pee.” Izzy told me. I stopped swishing the flagon and held it out away from my face.

“Ugh. You elves have some crazy biology.” I tried to hand it back to the sea elf, but she refused to take it.

“That’s the thing we don’t. I asked around and none of the elves have urine that looks like that.” Izzy said, pointing to the flagon.

“Did you go to instructor Falaise?” I asked.

“She told us not to worry about it.” Zeke said, sounding offended. “I’d say that’s worth a bit of concern.”

“Yeah, I’d say pissing jet fuel is a cause for concern.” I scratched my head. Hadn’t tried this before but I mentally attempted to use my Heal skill. Concentrating on the pee. Nothing happened and it’s weird I’ve been staring at urine for as long as I have.

“How uncomfortable is it?” I asked Zeke.

“It’s a burning sensation, not like warm but actual burning. Sort of like when you grab a hot pan for just a moment.” The fae elf mimed grabbing something, then letting go really quick.

“This is kind of a weird request, but would you mind filling a flagon like this when you next go to the outhouse? I’ll try and test it next time I go to the lab.” I asked.

“Yeah. I can do that.” He ran a hand through his silky, perfect shoulder length elven hair. “Do you think it’s serious?”

“No idea, brother. We’ll try to find out.” I shrugged. Zeke got up and walked out, a concerned look on his face.

“That’s weird.” Izzy said as soon as he was out the door.

“Peeing jet fuel? Yeah, I’d say it’s odd.” I shook my head. I reached into my bandolier and got out a few of the clay vials I’d stolen. Carefully pouring the elf pee from the flagon, I filled up three of them and carefully corked them.

“Any ideas?” She asked.

“One.” I leaned forward off my bunk, looking intently at the little sea elf. “You know I have kitchen as my additional duty, right?”

“Yeah. I got laundry. You know how hard it is to stir those huge pots of hot water when you’re three feet tall?” She threw her hands up in frustration.

“Hadn’t actually thought about that, but it’s pretty funny. I’m picturing a little, tiny elf with a giant wooden paddle standing over a bubbling cauldron.” I mimed stirring the cauldron. “Double, double, toil and trouble.” I said in my best evil witch voice. “Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”

“That sounds wicked evil. What’s it from?” Izzy asked me, eyes wide open with enthusiasm and her ears were straight up.

“What? It’s from Macbeth. The three witches. Also used a lot in Loony Tunes.” I told her in disbelief.

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“Yeah, I never really got into the old TV shows or anything.” She shook her head.

“Wow, okay. Anyway. So I’m working in the kitchen and Mingelt comes in. He hands Julian this satchel full of spices and a clipboard. The clipboard is the one we sign in on. Well, there’s another sheet on the bottom with all of our names. Each person has a certain type of something added to their food.”

“Like seasonings or something?” Izzy asked.

“Maybe?” I shrugged. “Each one had a weird name on it.” I paused for a moment. “Do you remember when Monty died and came back as undead?”

“Yeah, that was awful.” She said in a small voice.

“I looked on the clipboard. Beside his name it said DEATH.” I told her.

“Death?” the sea elf repeated.

“Yeah. No idea what it means.” I got up and started pacing in the small room. “I can’t accept Mingelt would just be poisoning us. He’s had a thousand easier ways to kill us if he wanted us dead.”

Izzy’s expressive elven ears were flat against her head. “Why didn’t you say anything about this before? How long have you known?”

“Uh, maybe more than a week.” I shrugged. “Its hard to tell the passage of time, you know? All the days kind of blur together.”

“How could you not tell me?” She gesticulated wildly.

“What would be the point? All I saw were some jars with crazy names on them. Also, it isn’t like we have any other source of food.” I put both palms on the sides of my head to keep it from exploding. “For all I know, that’s an abbreviation for a favored kind of hot sauce and nothing nefarious at all.”

“But you don’t think it’s a type of hot sauce.” Izzy said flatly.

“No. I don’t.” I hung my head. There was a long pause.

“What do you think it could be?” Izzy asked.

“I have no idea. That’s a big part of why I haven’t said anything to anyone.” I shook my head. “How do you crystallize death and nature and put them into jars? It’s like we have a handful of pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and are trying to recreate the rest of it.”

“Yeah.” The sea elf said quietly.

There was a long period of silence. Finally, “Do you want to go see if this stuff actually burns?” I asked.

A grin fought its way onto her glum face. “You know, I kind of do.” She stood.

“Oh, let’s do it.” I said. The two of us got up and went to the hallway. It was independent study, so most of those working on a magic priority were in their rooms.

As we went through the training area, Jackson and a couple of combat focused types were sparring. It looked like they were kicking the hell out of each other. Didn’t want anything to do with that. Jackson waved as we walked by. Both of us waved back.

We got to the parade ground and the pseudo rugby game was still going on. Those guys were determined. Izzy and I made our way around the playing area, waving to a couple of friends.

The two of us went around the back of the keep. I looked around and saw no one. Then I realized my Perception was still incredibly low. “Izzy, do you see anyone watching us?”

“Yeah. There are two guards up on the wall leaning against the crenels. They’ve been watching us since we came out here.” The sea elf whispered.

“Why are you whispering? They’re nearly a hundred yards away.” I asked.

“Shut up.” She said at a normal volume, shaking her head. “It seemed appropriate since we were being sneaky.” She rolled her huge eyes. “Anyway, those two guards up there.” She waved. One of them waved back.

“I think they are just killing time on their guard shift. Doubt they’ll report us.” I got out one of the clay vials.

Carefully uncorking it, I poured the fluid, trying not to think of it as pee, on a particularly wide cobblestone. Then I started twisting my fingers through the gestures for Candleflame. I spoke the chant in a normal voice, despite my reflexive desire to whisper it.

The candle sized flame erupted from my hand. Izzy giggled, “That’s it? All that spell effort for that little flame?”

It was burning from my clenched fist and I held it up to her as though it were a bird finger. She laughed at me. Then I dipped the flame into the pool of liquid I’m determined to not think of as pee.

It ignited with a WHUMP! All the fumes and about half the liquid burned off in the first moment. I jumped back, yelling in surprise. The rest burned with a clear blue flame for somewhere between five to ten seconds.

Izzy and I looked at each other, eyes wide. “Zeke is peeing that?” I asked.

She nodded. “No wonder it burns.” We stared at the cobblestone for a moment.

“You’re totally giving me one of those vials.” She said. I wordlessly handed over one of the two filled clay jars I had left.

We were going back into the training dungeon tomorrow morning and would be ready.

Dawn broke, as it often does. We got up and did our physical fitness training and ate breakfast. Everyone was quiet, nervous about the training dungeon today. The last one had been brutal.

Third squad was first this time. As squad leader, that meant I led the way for the whole platoon. I geared up and Instructor Nills led me to the doorway. “Five trophies Mike. Good luck.”

The instructor mockingly saluted me with his sword as I entered. It was the cavern again. Low stone walls were on both sides, roughly twenty feet apart. Stalactites and stalagmites were like teeth making the whole thing a set of jaws I was marching into. The drip of water was the only sound once the doors had boomed shut.

I stood silently, listening. Drip, drip, drip. It was the only sound other than my stentorian breathing. Detecting nothing, I advanced.

Trying to Move Silently but failing miserably. I’m absolutely increasing my Agility next priority point I get. This is ridiculous. Trudging silently sounds silly but its closer to what I was doing.

I crept along until I encountered a line of silk strung from one stalagmite and stretching off into the darkness. I put the vial of flaming pee on the ground, readied my axe and shield and hit the line very gently with the dull side of the axehead.

Waiting a moment, watching carefully down the line, I hit it again. If I hadn’t been looking right at it, I wouldn’t have noticed when it started vibrating. Something was coming.

I crouched behind my shield, eyes peering over the top rim. There it was! The dull red constellation of eyes of a spider approached.

It came close, and I hit the line again, this time with my shield. The monstrous arachnid struck. Its attack was a blur, but it hit my shield, clanging off the hide outer layer. I smashed the jar of pee on its head and started casting Candleflame.

My shield took a couple of more hits while I choked out the chant for the spell. Finally, the inch long jet of fire extended from my hand. I punched the spider, and it IGNITED!

The creature went mad, running this way and that. It chittered and did something like a roar. The smell of burnt hair was thick in the close air of the cavern. Finally, it went still. Four more trophies to get after this one.