"Interesting place you've got here."

"How did you get in?"

"I told your station constable that I was here to question you about your false identity. He gave me access. It was that easy. Sucker for a pretty face, isn’t he?"

I pushed past Astera and went for my chair behind my desk. I nearly threw myself in it heavily, but a split second before I did, I remembered I wasn't sure if I could trust it. What a smooth move it would be, to break my chair in front of my toxic ex. Yeah, nah. I sat down carefully. Only once I was certain the chair wouldn't betray me did I put my boots up on my desk.

A glance into the back rooms did not show me Xen, but I might have caught a flash of Xen's eyes in the air duct again. It was hard to be sure, it had only been a momentary thing.

"I've already seen your grandmother. She talking to you, or giving you the same silent treatment she gave me?"

"I got nothing out of her."

"Hmm," Astera chuckled one brief, sardonic chuckle, and helped herself to the seat in front of my desk. "That generation... they're hard. I admire that. So. On the record, Marys, do you know who you are?"

I started down at the desk. I didn't want to see either sympathy or mockery in her eyes. A woman like her was capable of both at the same time. "No." I sighed and put my hands behind my head. "No, I have no idea."

"It's just that now you're of interest to the Keepers yet again. A person with no roots, who was privy to all that information at headquarters... you could be anyone. You could be a spy."

I shrugged. "Whatever, Astera. Investigate away."

"And off the record? Do you know who you are? Just so I know what name to scream out in our inevitable hate-fu-"

"No, Astera, on and off the record, I do not know. And there will not be any of that either, you sicko. Look, just do me one favour: if you do find out who my people are, you will tell me, won't you? Not even you would be enough of a trash person to let me languish in obscurity forever, right?"

She titled her head and grinned her venus-fly-trap grin. "If I were a trash person, as you so kindly put it, I'd probably drag you out of this station to face justice for coming back to Gerondia and breaking the conditions of your bail. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do it, pet." She leaned like she was drunk, one elbow on my desk, those red lips spread in a dangerous smile.

I gritted my teeth, and waited for the anger coiling in my gut to pass. I did not need to rise to her bait. "Because I'm chasing Lisia, like we always said we would, since the academy."

"Pfft." She leaned back. "Still on that old news. Marys, don't you ever move on?"

I slammed my feet back down on the ground. So much for not rising to her bait. "You made me -" I clamped my teeth down, already regretting the outburst. "You encouraged me. It was our stupid youthful ambition, both of us. Then you had to go and push me to actually pursue Lisia, the minute you were in a position of power over me. Don't you dare deny it."

Astera pouted, but her eyes were smirking. "Oh, Marys, you can't possibly blame little old me. I would never do such a thing. My mother's the High Arbiter of the Keepers of the Law. I'm on track to take her place one day. No one would ever believe you." She batted her eyelashes at me, then laughed and leaned back.

Why did she have to look so pretty on the outside when her heart was a rotted old husk? "You don't have to rub it in. We both know if your mother wasn't who she was, you never would have gotten away with helping me. You'd be in the same position I'm in now. So gloat all you want, spoilt little rich girl."

"You love it, Marys." She licked her teeth. "You love it when I crush you beneath my boot."

Maybe, once upon a time. But I had a modicum of self-respect now. "You're sick, is what you are. Get out of here, Astera. Never darken my doorstep again."

She stood, but instead of leaving, she walked her swaying walk around my desk. She leaned against the corner of it, drawing some idle nothing with her fingertip in the dust. "Otherwise, what, Marys? You gonna throw me out? Get physical?" Her voice was low, with a growl to it that made my traitor body respond in ways I was not happy about.

I avoided her eye. "I'll call stat sec, is what I'll do. I'm not interested in laying a single finger on you."

"Hmm. You say that, but what's that, then?"

She pointed to my hand, where the balling of my skin from the station atmosphere was making it look like my corollae were opening ever so slightly. As if. "The station air, Astera. I'm not getting turned on by you, you nitwit. The absolute audacity. Coming here and talking to me like a psychopath, like my emotions are a yo-yo. You need to go back to Gerondia and get your leaves pruned, because something's not right with you, sunshine."

"You're really over me, huh, Marys?" I gave her a hard look, intended as confirmation. She stuck her bottom lip out. "Pity. Just tell me one more thing before I go then."

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"What?"

She leaned over my chair, trapping me in with her hands on both arms of it. "When you find Lisia Astrantia Helianthe - if you ever do - tell me... what are you going to do to her?"

I folded my arms. "Hand her over to Gerondian authorities."

"Even though you're on the outs back home?"

"Sure. They might have to come and get her, but I imagine they wouldn't mind doing so."

"Are you sure you wouldn't just take matters into your own hands?" She leaned even closer. "Back when we shared a room at the academy, you used to talk about it late at night... I seem to recall a post-coital younger Marys who'd been whimpering in my arms just an hour previous telling me how she'd love to end Lisia's forsaken life... no trial, no excuses, just the purity of instant justice for all those lives lost..." Her head was just above mine now, her lips hovering inches from mine. "What happened to that girl? So raw and ready, so full of passion, so deliciously naive. That little baby petal trying to act all tough. The kinda girl I could just... devour."

It would be so easy to fall into Astera right now. To just be that lost petal again. Xen could be a criminal of the worst kind, so I shouldn't fall for Xen, but instead I could bury my grief and my rage and my fear in Astera's soft skin, in her possessive embrace. I could lose myself in the promise of a forever that would never come.

I could lose myself.

No. I owed it to myself not to do that. No matter how bad things were right now, Astera would only make it all worse. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't need to be complicated by the same woman who gaslit me into sabotaging my own career.

I pushed her away, thumb on her nose. "You happened, Astera. No investigation required. If anyone murdered baby Marys, it was you, and your insane drive to have everything your way." I slapped the arms of my chair, jolting her. "We done here?"

She spun away, her red coat slapping me in the face. Walking to the door, she spoke without looking at me. "You're no fun anymore, Amaryllis. Yeah, we're done. I wash my hands of you, you little reprobate. Oh, and don't bother trying to come back to Gerondia again."

"I'm free to come back when my sentence is up, and you have no control over that."

"Er, no, actually." She stopped at the door and looked at me over her shoulder. "You have no roots anymore, poppet. Until you find a verifiable identity, you're never allowed home, ever again." With that bomb dropped, she beamed at me. "Goodbye, Amaryllis - if that even is your name."

The door slid shut, and my hands searched my desk for something to throw at it. But there was nothing that wasn't horribly breakable - digipad and bourbon, I needed both of those - and besides, out of the corner of my eye I saw Xen slipping from the air duct and coming this way. I didn't want to be so childish in front of Xen.

I sighed, then turned to face Xen. I wasn't able to stop the sharp intake of breath when I properly looked at Xen. "Are you all right?"

Xen opened Xen's arms to show the full effect of sagging, torn and semi-transparent skin, Xen's face shy despite putting Xen's self on display. "Oh, this. Don't worry, this is just what happens when one wears synthaskin too long without a replacement."

"Xen," I said, hoping to strike the right tone of apologetic for gasping at Xen, but not overly sympathetic, like I was pitying Xen. "I'll order you some more."

"No, please, don't bother. I was going to just strip it all off soon and be metal for a bit. I don't want to waste your money, and so long as my metal body doesn't frighten you, it’s fine. No one else is seeing me."

"Still... it would make you feel more comfortable in your own body, wouldn't it?"

Xen frowned, and nodded. "But I still say that's not a good enough reason to spend your dwindling money. You haven't gotten any more in a while, have you?"

"I've enough to afford some basic synthaskin for you."

"Sorry."

"Xen, don't..." I faced my desk, hoping to give both of us grace right now. Me, to not have to look at Xen, to not have to think about what Xen might be hiding; and for Xen's sake, to not be perceived in this state. "It's bad enough you're having to live like this, hiding away in my miserable back room. Don't add extra suffering onto your experience, please."

Xen straightened up, and nodded. "You're right. Of course. Speaking of suffering... I'm sorry I witnessed all of that. Do you want me to erase the last half hour from my memory?"

I swivelled in my chair to face Xen. "You can do that?"

Xen nodded. "If needs must, I can."

I worried at my lip for a moment, then sat up straighter. "Xen... do you think there is anything you've forgotten... anything to do with my investigations, for instance?"

Xen smirked, and padded over to my desk, leaning on it. "Like you, Marys, with your mod which overwrites your memories, I don't remember what I don't remember."

"But is it gone-gone, or is it still hanging around, just partitioned off?"

Xen's lip jutted out, almost as if Xen was disappointed I'd guessed at that. "The latter."

"So whatever you locked away, you could still access, if it was necessary."

Xen got up from the desk, worry in Xen's brow. "Whatever I locked away, I trust I locked away for a good reason. I have to trust past me about that. Otherwise what would be the point of partitioning anything away?"

I nodded. I understood, but I couldn't stop. I needed to know. "So you might know more about Lisia, or I mean, Mona?"

Xen shrugged. "I could, yes. But I don't know. I'm sorry. I could be hiding something from myself about her. But I won't know unless I look and... I don't want to."

I chewed on my lip, then pulled my digipad to me. I brought up the picture of Beatrice Korr and Xen together, and turned it around for Xen to see.

"Xen, who is this?"

Xen took the digipad from me, and looked for a good long time, perhaps thirty seconds or more. I watched Xen's face carefully, despite the fact that, as a synthetic, Xen could choose whatever facial expression Xen wanted. But I also knew Xen had emotional mods too, and there were the neural paths worn into Xen's chip, so there was a possibility that something might betray Xen's truth to me, no matter how artificial a being Xen was.

Xen shook Xen's head. "I don't know who this is."

Then Xen began to weep. It was a difficult act, without tear ducts. But Xen's body shook, and Xen's hand came up to cover Xen's mouth as Xen started to choke up.

"I don't know who she is, Marys. But I should. I feel I should. Part of me knows her..."

I rose from my chair and wrapped Xen in as encompassing a hug as I could manage, despite being so much shorter than Xen.

Some part of Xen remembered. Perhaps Beatrice was still there, deep in Xen's neural paths, unable to be extricated completely by a memory purge.

The grief was so genuine. I wanted to believe. I really, truly wanted to trust in Xen again.