*Sigh*...”Mr. Eludo… let me make sure that I wrote down your testimony correctly.” he pauses, looking over his papers again.

I nod back towards the man in a black business suit, awaiting the reiteration of my explanation…

“So your job is that of a… Professional Summoned Hero?” Asks the man, the other suited detective...I think his name is Todd, stays silent, glaring at me as though I have been wasting their time for the past several hours.

“Correct,” I reply.

When you think about it, naming a child Todd seems like something that a parent who was completely unprepared for a child would do. I mean really, how hard can it truly be to give a child some kind of awesome epic name?

“In this job… you get summoned by gods to save people or destroy monsters and such. Correct?” he asks again.

“Yup.”

Like really, just go online and literally search up epic names and you’re going to get names like Beowulf or Asmodeus. Something amazing that would make everyone remember you. So in the future, your kid could tell people that his name is that of an epic historical hero or the name of a powerful demon lord.

“And when your… contract as a hero is finished, the god sends you back to earth with barely any time having passed?”

*Nod*

When you think about it, I’ve done many heroic things in my twenty-eight summonings from earth.

“When you return to earth… they pay you by using their... godly power to create…” *Sigh* “money and deposit it into your account. Is that correct?”

Can you imagine, kids being named after me because of my heroics?… No, that would kinda suck.

“Um… Mr. Eludo.”

I wouldn't want so many people to be named after me. I mean really, my name is rather unique.

“Quasi Eludo?”

Yup, Quasi Eludo, a very impressive name if you ask me. Practically one of a kind. I think it means to win through trickery or something. I wonder if it’s possible to make it even better.

“Sir?”

Yes, perfect! Maybe I could get knighted in England. Sir Quasi Eludo. Yup, even more heroic. I wonder what it would take to be knighted by the queen? That would be pretty impressive. Mayb-

“YOUNG MAN, STOP IGNORING US!” Todd yells out, startling his coworker next to him.

Young man? I’m over seven thousand in mental years. Sure my body might only be that of a twenty-five-year-old sexy piece of meat, but I have a significant amount of life experience… life experiences?

“Todd, you don't need to yell. We’re in my living room,” I gesture with my hand around me, showing my living room… and the many naked statues of myself in masculine poses. ”I can very clearly hear you from across the table,” I say, watching the big black suited man as he glares from the couch he is sitting on.

I have to admit… he has the [I want to strangle you] look down pretty well.

“My name isn't Todd, it’s Bob.” he growls.

Wait! His name is Bob?

“Oh you poor thing,” I blurt out.

Shit! Did I just say that out loud?

“Errr… um… sorry about being distracted. I have this bad tendency to monologue internally.” I scratch the back of my ear, an annoying habit I gained from one of my summonings. ”When you live so many lives, you end up getting bad habits later on in life. Placing my body on autopilot while my mind wanders is one of them. It… can get pretty bad, especially if I’m driving.”

“For example, there was this one time I drove from here in Chicago and found myself in Wisconsin several hours later.” I shift in my chair. “I left to get some groceries from a store a few miles away. Next thing I knew, I was somewhere in Wisconsin. Very annoying experience might I add.”

“But... It wasn't all bad though. There was this very cute girl at a store. We chatted a bit… then I woke up in her bed.”

Wait! How the hell did I get into her bed?… Oh.

“I think she may have drugged me.”

The two suited men stare back at me, flabbergasted and confused.

They seem to have that expression a lot.

I blush “Right...um… we were talking about Bob… no wait, it was about… money?”

Todd/Bob? Places his hand on his face and sighs deeply.

At least his friend seems fine… Crud, what was his friend's name? Ugh… names are annoying.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

“Yes, Mr. Eludo, this whole conversation and the reason for us being here are so that we can find out where exactly you are getting millions of dollars,” suited man number two explains to me.

How many times must I explain it to them?

“Look, I’ve told you the truth and nothing but the truth. It’s not my fault that the government is unprepared for dealing with the supernatural.”

Both men groan loudly, exhausted from dealing with the man before them, their day getting worse every second.

When they had been told to look into a young man who had been… rather randomly...  depositing excessively large amounts of money, they thought it would be a simple job.

They initially figured the young man had an overseas account with a large financial backer who had been sending large sums of money.

Unfortunately, It was far more complicated than that.

“Look, kid, all we want is the actual truth. None of these lies about magical beings and gods.”

Before I can answer, my soul vibrates internally, signaling the incoming of a powerful being.

Oh, thank god… literally and figuratively.

I stand up off my cozy chair, ”Alrighty,” I clap my hands, ”as much as I would love to continue this conversation about how I gained my unfathomable amount of wealth and sexy body. I, unfortunately, do have plans for the night. So I must ask you both to leave.” I gesture towards my door.

The two detectives look at each other and nod, having already talked to the young man for several hours already. Gaining no useful information, they quickly pack up and leave.

As I shut the door behind them, I walk towards my chair and sit down.

Not even a minute since they left, I hear the sound of a screeching wooden door. My head turns towards my closet, finding an extremely handsome man in a red and black suit, standing confidently in the now open doorway.

With perfect posture, he walks forward, shoes striking the wooden floor with purpose, a relaxed and confident smile donning his face as he does so.

He walks to the second lounge chair to my left and just drops down without a word. Right leg crosses over the left as his gloved hands find their place on his knee.

Ehhh… I would give that entrance a seven out of ten. He could have very easily gotten an eight if he hadn’t entered through a closet… this is the seventh time a god had chosen to use that specific closet...

*Silence*

Neither I nor the god is willing to make the first move. We continue to sit and stare, waiting and watching.

So that's how you want to play it.

With a grunt, I position my elbow on the armrest, hand holding up my head as I take a calculating look at the man.

Confident, easygoing smile, relaxed unmoving posture, eyes glinting with absurd intelligence… but that smile. A cheeky, know it all, calculating god doesn't ever have a smile bursting with confidence… Heh, so you expect me to agree.

“I accept.”

His eyebrow lifts up.

I mimic his smile. “I accept the job. When do I start?”

The muscles on his lips twitch.

I win!

His smile widens further, showing his teeth as his calm eyes narrow with a hint of insanity.

“Explain.” He voices authoritatively, not at all used to being read.

Ahhhh fuck. Of course, I have to get an insane god as an employer.

*Sigh* “All heroes have one trait that allows them to become… well, heroes.” I pause, thinking about how to word this correctly.

“My own trait... is that I have absurd intuition. I know and perceive things to an instinctual level. Thus, it becomes difficult to hide anything from me.”

I scratch the backside of my ear, ”For example, I know that you have absolutely no experience in dealing with heroes and that I am your first.”

“And that you had this long speech prepared to convince me to work for you, completely expecting me to accept.”

I fidget in my seat, his piercing gaze making me feel slightly uncomfortable.

“I uh… figured it would be better to accept and save you some time.”

The god blinks, his smile widens further.

“Heh.” the god shakes his head, ”Excellent… truly excellent. I must say Mr. Elduo, You have completely exceeded my expectations.”

Yay, I get to live!

The god sits back into his chair, still smiling like a sexual predator.

Yup, still insane.

With a flourish of his hand, a golden contract appears above his palm, floating a few inches in the air.

“I was expecting the great Quasi, professional hero extraordinaire, to be something of a mercenary… but I am very much delighted that I was wrong. You are far more capable.”

The god flicks his hand. The contract quickly flies through the air, stopping in front of me.

Picking it up, I start to read, finding that this god has used the template I have put on my website.

Mhmmm length of term is until death… reward is at least 10 million in American currency… blah blah blah… destroy the world… what?

“You need me to destroy the world?” I ask.

He nods, “I am a god of chaos. And as a god of chaos, my job is to create change. Unfortunately, the world Orbis has been stagnant for such a long time that drastic measures must be taken, so the world must end.”

Iiiiiinnnnnnssssssaaaaannnneeeeee!

“So you want me to destroy the world so it can be saved… that's quite a tall order. What do I have to work with?”

“Unfortunately, I need you to be as ignorant as possible on the world. The only advice I can give is that you should not fear the mist.”

Oh boy… I am going to be summoned to a world I know nothing about… fuck.

“Well, can you at least tell me your name?”

He shakes his head.

This just gets better and better…*sigh*

Giving up, I turn to the contract before me and continue reading.

“A body will be provided in the image of the summonee…” I whisper.

Interesting, seems like humans are a species. That makes it a lot easier.

“The world is mana-rich…”

So time will travel significantly faster in the other world. Always good.

“Summoning will be unorthodox...”

Never saw that before.

Finishing up on reading the contract, I press my hand on the paper and feel my soul shift. The contract glows and disappears, my soul now connected to the god.

“Well then Mr. Eludo, I bid you farewell. I must prepare your summoning, which should happen within the week.”

The god lifts up his hand.

*Tap*

Reality bends in front of me. Like a pool of water converging, the god disappears to wherever he needs to go.

I pause, a frown finds itself on my face as I stare at the location the god had disappeared from.

That fucker just stole my chair!