“So I found the Haven crashed into a boulder a good half mile onto land. The damn boat had sailed on dirt for a bit before the crash. Surprisingly, the hull survived without a scratch, but the rudder and propellers were ripped and ground to smithereens.” I take a sip of my drink and look at the [Pirates] and Molucca listening in to my every word.

I pause a moment to glance at the other tables. Jessica is chatting with Tetsudo in the midst of [Maids] and his crew. As for Feona? Teuta took her somewhere else on the ship. They said something about Torture and changing diapers or something; not exactly sure. But what I am sure is that the alcohol here is fucking awesome and blessedly skilled up to have an effect on me.

“And what of the crew?” Molucca asks.

“The crew was dead. Not killed, mind you, but died in their sleep.”

My audience frowns, unbelieving, but they don't interrupt and allow me to continue.

I lean forward, “You all probably thought something directly killed them, which, might I point out, would be fucking difficult considering how strong the ship was. If you think something like a Kraken could kill everyone aboard without completely destroying the damn thing, then you’ve been drinking way too much.”

I take another sip and lick my lips. “Now, the thing that defeated the crew is the mist that the ship entered into. The Mist,” I tap my chin in thought, “Hmmm, how to explain? Mmm, well, I think the best way to describe the Mist is that it’s very similar to the spell [Sleep Fog]. Unfortunately, the Mist in the South targets the soul and not the body, which completely ignores nearly all mundane and magical defenses.

“So they all just fell asleep and what? Died?”

I nod to the dwarf. “Yup. They fell asleep and never woke up again.”

My audience grimaces. All of the ship's occupants had starved and eventually died where they fell asleep, except for those that may have died when the Haven ran aground and crashed into the boulder.

“So how were you able to get ahold of the ship?”

“The Mist’s gone now.”

Every [Pirate] perks up at my words, their eyes glint with interest and greed. I chuckle at their expressions, knowing full well of the bounty at the shores. The [Haven] wasn’t the only ship that had traveled into the fog, though it is the only one that had beeched so far ashore.

“I should probably mention that the coast is now home to wyverns. If you do try to take anything, make sure you’re prepared.”

The [Pirates] reply to my warning with grins, undeterred by the danger and blinded by greed. Which is fine. The wyvern population has skyrocketed ever since I conquered the dungeon and will need to be reduced a bit… while at the same time reducing the population of [Pirates] will also make the seas safer.

“So what did you do to the ship?” Molucca asks, his own greed second to his interest in the Haven.

I lift up my mug and frown at how empty it has become. Noticing my plight, several kind [Pirates] push full mugs in front of me. They’ve been very generous all evening, probably to keep me talking.

Which is actually working, thanks to the skill enhanced alcohol that overcomes my resistances to poison. I take a sip and nod at the pleasant taste. Then I frown as I notice something out of the corner of my eye. I look left. Bhumi sits next to me with a book on the table and a pen in hand.

“How long has she been there?” I ask mentally as I eye the heavily tanned woman.

Then I notice her curves, the shorts that reveal meaty thighs, the long braided hair, and the lacking facial expression.

“I’ll bang you,” I tell the woman.

Bhumi taps the booklet with her pen, unamused “Focus, Mr. Eludo. Molucca has asked you about the changes to the Haven and all of its new combat capabilities.”

I eye her with a frown. I feel like I’m being manipulated… but I’m also weirdly horny. I pout as I gaze at the mug of alcohol in my hand. Clearly, it’s working and the smart thing would be to stop drinking before I spill too many beans.

I take a big gulp and smile as the warmth spreads from my stomach to my limbs.

“I’ll talk, but we’ll fuck later.” I announce with a drunken grin.

Bhumi nods, “Acceptable.” She taps her book again, “but after you explain.”

“Did he actually?”

“Yea, he did.”

“That's insane.”

The [Pirates] quickly talk amongst themselves. They give me looks of approving acknowledgement, as though I’d just done the impossible.

Their gossiping, though, goes silent as Bhumi’s gaze turns to the peanut gallery.

I snort at the immediate silence, even by Molucca who avoids meeting the [Spymasters] eyes.

“So, the Haven was a ship that didn't use sails for movement, but actually a shaftless propeller enchanted to spin and was powered by an internal, high-quality crystal. Since the ship’s screw was completely destroyed and the crystals had decayed after so many years without maintenance, I was left with a ship without mobility and without power. Thankfully, the enchantments were built with a mithril and adamantium alloy, so they were still there All they needed was a powersource.”

“And a new propeller thing.” Molucca adds.

I nod, “Yup. So, I needed a power source and mobility, but I lacked the [Enchanter] levels to fix the ship in any conceivable time, so, I was forced to cheat and lean in on my [Necromancer] class. Shade is, or I guess was, a powerful dungeon boss monster with huge mana regeneration and a penchant for wide scale gravity magic. It was also similar in size to the Haven, which helped.

“So, to get the ship up and running, I melded Shades' corpse onto the Haven as an undead. I connected Shade’s crystalline horn to the enchantments, which brought the ship to life and promptly blew half the magic circuitry. Including the cannons. Fuck’n dwarves never heard of a fuse. Well, long story short, I managed to sort most of the shorts, but the magitek cannons were beyond me, cause, dammit Jim, I’m a necromancer not a doctor. So, yeah, no guns.”

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

I frown at the memory. I’d spent a whole week trying to figure out how the cannons functioned, all until I realized that it required skills from specialized classes that would take years to learn.

“Anyways, cannons being fucked like an eggsack in acid rain, I was forced to replace them with another weapon. At first, I was thinking about making my own cannons, but that’s boring. So, I pimped it with magical subwoofers a la Disaster Area. Nothing like the good ol’ Ludwig Van to accompany some gravitational ultraviolence. As a bonus, I got me an airship!”

“What other combat capabilities is the ship capable of, and can ownership be transfered?” Bhumi asks.

I shake my head at the woman clearly intending to figure out all my secrets.

Maybe I should lie? I guess I could, but she can probably tell if I am with some stupid [Spymaster] skills.

“Combat wise, the ship’s all about gravity magic. The ship can cast [Black Hole], [Crushing Field], [Gravitation Storm], and others. It can even cast the spell [Wormhole], though that takes a long time to charge.”

Bhumi perks up. She’d heard of the other spells, but the last one she has not. She writes down the spell's name for later study.

“And transferring ownership?”

“Well, the thing about the Shadehaven is it’s a nearly sentient undead. Considering my track record, it will probably gain true sentience by Tuesday. Anyways, since it is undead, the ship can only be controlled by a [Necromancer] with a hell of a lot of levels. For anyone else, the ship will eventually just decay away into a pile of bone and metal.”

I grab a seventh mug and take a sip. Wasn’t I only on my fourth?

“If someone, say a [Pirate Archqueen], wanted to steal the ship, they would need a [Necromancer] class nearly double the level of mine. At that point, such a person could make their own ship, or make something even more powerful.”

Bhumi writes everything down while the [Pirates] whisper among themselves. By the time I hear rumors of my ship, I’m sure they will claim it can sink islands and boil seas.

“Thor’s hairy arse,” Molucca curses, “You need to come to Svartalfheim, my people need to see your ship. They need to know!”

I raise an eyebrow at the Dwarf. “Does your home have an altar to Hermes?”

“Of coarse, its Svartalfheim, we have fucking alters to all gods, even dead ones.”

I shrug and raise my ninth mug, “Sounds good to me. We’ll leave tomorrow after I’m done with what I need here.”

______________________________________________

“You’re very good at torture,” Fiona complements, “I’d never thought to use razor wire like that.”

Teuta grins at the compliment, “If you ever want to become an [Archqueen], you have to excel at everything your class provides. A [Pirate Queen] can lead and do everything a [Pirate] can at a high level, but a [Pirate Archqueen] needs to be at the best. For example,” Teuta points at the closed, soundproofed room they’d just left, “I have a [Pirate Torturer] who specializes in torture. He’s very very good at it, to the point that no [Pirate Queen] can surpass. But a [Pirate Archqueen] must at the very least be his equal, or better.”

“And you’re better.”

“I am the best,” Teuta says without mirth, “and I think you have what it takes to become one too.”

“A what? [Archqueen]?”

“A [Bandit Archqueen],” Teuta corrects. “[Bandits] and [Pirates] are the same thing. One is on land and the other is on the seas. Within a couple years, I think I can turn you into an [Archqueen].”

Fiona pouts, unsure how to reply. It seems too good to be true.

“Why would you go so far for me? What's the cost?”

Tueta grins, “Good. You’re learning. As for the cost, you saved my baby’s life, and that needs a fitting reward, but I’m also looking into the future. I’m the only ruler class criminal other than you. A [Bandit Queen] does not live long, but a [Bandit Archqueen] is a force unto herself. A friendly and powerful peer will help me live to die of old age.”

“Can I still get the class with a husband?”

“If your husband was a [King], then no, you probably cannot. But Quasi is an [Emperor], so it should be possible if I remember correctly. Actually, let me make sure.”

Teuta taps a finger, “Bhumi.”

From her side, her [Spymaster] seems to come into existence.

Teuta frowns.

“Why are you naked?”

__________________________________________________________

“Lass, the gods work in mysterious ways. You should accept those skills as a gift, as I’m absolutely sure that they are.”

“How are skills that cause pain a good thing? I wish to heal, not to wound.” Jessica counters before taking a large gulp from a mug.

Testudo takes a sip of his own mug, and grimaces at the taste. Coffee with dwarven beer is not a good combination, but he must still finish the drink. Wasting the bean is too much of a sin. In the future, he resolves, he will make coffee and beer work. Maybe if the beans are added to the mash…

“Yes, you’ve got skills that cause pain, but did you not also get skills that heal faster if your patient is in pain? You mentioned that you can whip somebody to health. The ability to heal from a distance is something rare and extremely useful.”

“Well, yes. But I can't make angels that can heal anymore. Only scourge angels that whip and hurt.”

“Really? Have you tried to have them heal?”

Jessica frowns, “No, I haven't.”

Testudo spreads his arms, “So how would you know that they can't heal?”

“The skill doesn't say that it can heal.”

The [Lord] shakes his head, “There are many skills that have underlying effects that don't make the synopses. For example, the [Loud voice] skill enhances the sound of everything, not just a voice, but nearly everyone thinks it only enhances the sound of your voice, so they only use the skill to enhance their voices.”

“So you think I should test them out?”

“Absolutely!” Testudo Grins widely, “and you don't even need to do it alone. I suggest asking our master for help.”

“Master?” Jessica raises an eyebrow

“Quasi,” Testudo explains, “I’ve decided to serve him as a lord of his empire.”

“Really? Have you talked to him?”

“Not yet, but I’ll ask once he’s done entertaining the [Pirates].”

Jessica looks away from Testudo and sees Quasi standing up with Bhumi. She feels a spike of anger, but suppresses it as fast as it rises. Or, at least, tries to.

“Well, you’ll have to wait until he's done entertaining that woman too.” Jessica growls, anger smoldering.

Testudo looks at Quasi and Bhumi walking out and shakes his hand.

“Sit, you’re overreacting.” Testudo explains, “That's Bhumi, Teuta’s infamous [Spymaster]. I’m sure she's just taking him to the [Archqueen].”

“Probably to sleep with her too!” Jessica growls, but much less accusingly.

Testudo shakes his head, “You’re tired, overreacting, and coming to crazy conclusions. I’m sure the master would never stoop so low as to sleep with Teuta, let alone her right hand.”

Jessica leans into her chair, chugs the rest of her drink, and folds her arms across her chest. She’s angry, but Testudo is probably right. Quasi wouldn’t just go around sleeping with everyone. Would he?