Doug Dobbins was as plain-looking as they come: early-forties, beer belly, bad comb-over and a drooping chin. Sitting across from us in the private interview room, he looked like lump of white paste. He was so unremarkable that every time I glanced down to jot in my notebook, I found myself forgetting what he looks like.
He was sweaty, and that was his really his only defining characteristic. Sweat poured off him like a faucet. His blue Arrow-brand dress shirt was already soaked through when the guards brought him into the room and shackled his wrists to the table. Once we were alone, Doug said nothing. He just eyeballed us warily, shifting in his seat as sweat beaded up and dripped off his doughy forehead.
"Hi Doug," I said. "I'm Evander Marshall and this is my partner, Henry Todd. We'll be representing you."
"Lawyers?" Doug's voice was pinched and nasal. He squirmed, his bound hands making fists every five seconds then releasing them.
"Yes. Have they told you the charges?"
"I don't need lawyers," he said quickly. "Thanks for coming by."
"Listen," I leaned closer. "We've been hired by Lord Farkvold and Commander Boarvex to help you."
Doug's damp face dripped, but showed no expression.
"Can you talk us through what happened the night of your arrest?"
"I would like -" Doug paused, twisted in his chair and bit into his lower lip, "…to exercise my right to remain silent."
"Jesus!" Henry spat. "What's wrong with you? Do you have to pee or something?"
"Henry, let's give our client a minute to think–"
"Well he's moving around so much in his chair, he's making me feel like I have to pee! Great," Henry stood, threw his arms in the air and announced, "Now I have to pee. I shouldn't have had that last drink-"
Dobbins looked down at the table, grinding his teeth. A small puddle had formed under his chained wrists.
"Doug?" I said. "Are you okay? You can speak freely with us. We're on your side and we're here to help."
Doug raised his eyes and looked at me. He looked over both shoulders and around the room. Once assured that we were alone and there were no security cameras, Doug extended the index finger of his chained right hand. He raised his eyebrows.
"May I?" Doug jerked his head toward his finger. Henry shrugged, and I nodded.
When it comes to disguises, the Agents of Slatt have remarkable technology at their disposal. They can masquerade as nearly any species in the galaxy using the standard-issue SlattWear Model 2400 Biological Manipulator. How the damn thing works is still a mystery to me, but with the flip of a switch they can turn the Manipulator on or off and morph into almost any creature in the universe.
Doug lowered his head down toward the table, close to his shackled hand, and stuck his index finger up his nostril. Henry quickly looked away, but I watched as Doug pushed the finger further up and up into his nose, all of the way up to the final knuckle, until he reached the switch of the Biological Manipulator to de-activate his human form…
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I've seen aliens turn off their Manipulators before. One the switch is flipped, they usually turn into six-armed Latakians, or blue-skinned Rhodiatians, or some other slimy or reptilian species from one of the Slatt planets. When Doug got his finger all of the up his nose and hit the switch, his molecules broke apart into thin air. The pasty face with the bad comb-over disappeared completely, and a pile of sweaty clothes fell to the floor with a splat.
"Oh shit," Henry backed into a corner. "Oh shit, Marsh! He evaporated himself!"
My heart began to race as I stared at the empty chair. "Uh, don't worry. I'm sure it's fine. Maybe he just shrunk, " I poked at the wet clothes with my shoe. "Doug? Mr. Dobbins?"
“REMAIN CALM, EARTH ATTORNEYS,” a voice echoed in our molars. I glanced upward at the overhead fluorescent lights and noticed a small cluster of purple sparks, specks of glowing dust that floated in the air above us.
"Doug? Doug are you there?" Henry called out to the air, like a desperate psychic trying to talk to the dead. "Is that you?"
"I AM ARGON,” the voice said.
“Nice to meet you, Argon,” I replied.
“NO, YOU IDIOTS! I MEAN I AM AN ARGON-BASED LIFEFORM. I AM MADE OF ARGON GAS.”
“I see.”
“BUT MY NAME IS DOUG!”
"Got it. Now Doug -"
“AH, IT FEELS WONDERFUL TO BE NAKED, TO BE FREE," the disembodied voice said. "EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW MINUTES."
"Listen, Doug, we want to help-"
"OOH! YEAH!" I felt the voice travel through the nerve in my molar into an echoey space behind my eyeballs. Glowing, electrical dust circled around the concrete room. "I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GREAT THIS FEELS! I'VE BEEN IN STUCK THAT OOZING HEAP OF FLESH FOR HOURS-"
“Doug, what did the police find on you?" Henry asked. "Coke, meth, heroin? How much?" The Argon Gas didn't answer. Purple-tinted sparkles spiraled in the air around us, bounced off each corner of the room, then shot up toward the ceiling before they momentarily disappeared.
“Doug? Where are you?”
“I”M IN YOUR LUNGS--”
“Get out of my lungs!” I coughed a stream of purple-tinted dust across the room and backed against the wall, covering my face. My chest burned like I had just inhaled cigar smoke.
"That was uncalled for!" I said once I was able to breathe again.
"Listen, you gaseous dipshit!" Henry pounded his fist against the table and shouted into the air. The dust stopped, then hovered in the center of the room, forming a translucent cloud above the chair Doug had been sitting in moments earlier.
Henry marched up to the cloud and stuck an accusing finger into the floating blob. "Do you think I want to be here right now? Don't you think my partner and I have other things that we'd rather being doing? Instead of getting violated by some… formless, alien-air-person-junky thing? Huh? Now quit fucking around, and materialize back into that, that - balding sweaty guy again."
The specks of dust bounced silently in mid-air. Then, with a loud sucking sound, the particles merged together and swelled until a human form appeared again inside of Doug's discarded clothes.
Once his Biological Manipulator stabilized, it was as if nothing had happened. Doug looked as pasty and sweaty as he did when he first walked into the room.
"Sorry," Doug said as his tongue clicked back into place. “It’s very frustrating for someone like me, a creature of Argon, to be locked up inside a carbon-based solid.”
"Doug," I said. The burning taste of argon still lingered in my mouth. "You're going to get locked up inside a state prison if you don't start cooperating with us. Now, one last time: can you tell us what happened and why you were arrested?"
"Like I said," Doug smirked. "I don't need any lawyers, and I'm going to stay silent. But thanks for coming by." He looked down at his pudgy body with an expression of disgust. "It was good for me to get a little exercise outside of this meat-prison."
"Henry, I think we're done here.” I grabbed my things and headed for the door.
"Agreed," Henry glared at Doug before following me out. "I'm not going waste my time arguing with a fart."