Holy Sick Divine Nights
> “Everyone says there’s a song in the dark, but I can’t feel it, I can’t feel it. I whisper my prayers to you as I fall. You ask me why I’m not singing, why I’m not signing…”
>
> -from “Exitlude” by Estra Carrier
yan banner [https://66.media.tumblr.com/3a8e1d12d80117e6afc9f5f48ca78e87/tumblr_pdxwrhUDP41xnm75po1_1280.png]
Yan woke the next morning drenched in a cold sweat. She rolled and checked her phone for the time; she was awake long before her alarm was supposed to go off. It was too early to be properly up, but too late to go properly back to sleep. Not that she wanted to return to sleep anyway. From the way that her legs were twisted up in her blankets, and the jerk that she had woken with, Yan suspected that she had been having yet another nightmare. It was a common occurrence.
For a few minutes, she laid still and stared up at the dark ceiling, watching the patterns made from the streetlights and cars going by outside as they reflected up through her window. She could hear rain falling; fat, miserable drops hit the window in static bursts with every gust of wind. It could have been peaceful, under different circumstances. Now she felt just trapped by it all. To calm that feeling, Yan breathed deeply and stretched out her awareness in the power, feeling the world around her in an ever expanding circle. It pushed out passed the walls of her apartment, part of it heading out of the building and towards the street, the other part reaching into the building. She didn't pay attention to the positions in space that people took up, she just took comfort in recognizing the bright points of light in her minds eye, in knowing that there were people going about their lives totally detached from her.
There were the usual suspects, of course. Yan knew the people who lived on the floors above and below her by feeling in the power, and by sight, but not by name. She would end up in the elevator with them and smile politely. All the flares of life were familiar and comforting. There was the distinct lack of Kino's presence, as there always was. There was the security guard she knew from the front desk, and the birds that nested on the rooftops. There were lonely people, couples, one group of three together in a room nearby. She thought about the lives they could be living, passed them over, and moved on. Yan's power reached the maximum radius she could hold it out for, and she pushed it just a little farther, a little more, straining her concentration until it collapsed. The power dissipated, leaving Yan just a single body laying in her bed again, not an ever expanding bubble of consciousness. She released a heavy breath, having held it in while she pushed that final stretch.
Most people were peacefully asleep, Yan presumed. She didn't feel anyone moving. It was an unpleasant hour on an unpleasant day. It seemed as though no one was particularly willing to get up and go about their lives. Yan certainly wasn't.
She idly browsed the net on her phone, scrolling various feeds in the hope that they would give her some sort of reason to be awake. She could have gotten up and showered but… Her phone buzzed in her hands with an incoming text message. She opened it. Why was Sid texting her at this time of day?
< goodbye
That was just about the most ominous text message Yan had ever received.
> ???
> u ok?
> whats going on
There wasn't any response from Sid. Yan realized with a start that when she had swept her awareness out, there had been no sign of her fellow apprentice. Yan got out of bed. Panicked, Yan dialed the first person she could think of.
Iri picked up immediately, voice rough and groggy from sleep. Luckily, she was back from her vacation.
"God, Yan, what is it?" Iri asked, mumbling a little.
"Sid's gone- I don't know where he is- I think he's doing something stupid-"
"Deep breaths. Yan, are you ok?"
"I'm fine, but Sid-"
"Tell me what happened, start at the beginning." Iri sounded much more awake now, and over the phone Yan heard the creak of her getting out of bed and walking around her room.
"Sid just texted me goodbye like he's leaving, and he won't respond, and he's not in the apartment, and I don't know where he is, and Sandreas yelled at him last night and-"
"He texted you what?"
"He just said 'goodbye', that's it," Yan said.
"Ok, I'm trying to contact the person who's watching him now," Iri said. "Hold on just a little." There was the sound of typing over the phone.
"Hernan?" Yan asked.
"Hernan and I are only on duty during the day and during important events. You have a 'B' team watching you at night," Iri explained distractedly. Yan put the phone call on speakerphone and started getting dressed, abandoning any thoughts of showering. There was a long pause in the conversation as Iri tried to contact the other team.
"I can't get in touch with the night watch," Iri said. "I'm going to call this in."
"No, don't," Yan protested. "Don't get Halen and Sandreas involved."
"I need to," Iri said. "This is really important."
"But Sandreas is mad at Sid, this will just make it worse." Yan had a flash of inspiration. "I'm ordering you not to call them."
There was a long pause, and Iri sighed heavily over the line. "On your own head so be it," she said. "I'll track where his phone is. You'll need to give me a minute. And I'll get Hernan up. I'll call you back, okay?"
"Fine," Yan said. The phone clicked as Iri hung up.
Yan finished putting on her pants and belt. She patted her waist to double check her holster was secure, the grabbed a cassock from the back of her chair and yanked it down over her head, fumbling blindly around for a second until she was all the way through. She grabbed her phone, slipped her shoes on, and ran out of her apartment.
Yan came to Kino's door. She had a moment of indecision about involving her, but to be honest, Yan felt like she might need the backup. Kino wasn't involved in all of their recent drama, but maybe that was for the best. Yan rang Kino's doorbell over and over, until she heard Kino's stumbling footsteps in her apartment.
Kino opened the door, looking frazzled. Her black hair was coming out of her braids, and she had a line of dried drool on her cheek. Unattractive, but Yan couldn't really judge, seeing as it was still a while before anyone should be up.
"What?" Kino asked.
"I need your help," Yan said. "Sid's gone missing."
"What do you want me to do?" Kino rubbed her eyes, sounding apathetic. "He doesn't even like me."
"I need you to come with me for backup," Yan explained. Might as well be honest. Kino stared at her blankly for a long second, then shrugged.
"Fine. Let me get dressed." Kino closed the door in Yan's face, a little harder than was probably necessary.
Yan had no choice but to wait anxiously for Kino to return and Iri to call her back. When Iri had said she couldn't get in touch with the night watch, did she mean only Sid's minder, or was everyone gone? Was this Sid leaving or was there some sort of danger that had caused their night team to become incapacitated? It was more likely that Sid was doing something monumentally stupid, but Yan couldn't discount the other possibilities.
Where would Sid go? Yan didn't know if he had friends on the planet, or what. Would he be trying to go back to his family? Would he just be trying to disappear? There wasn't much in the way of opportunity in the Empire for people without official documentation. Even to get off planet, Sid would have to either bribe people or use his real identity. He could do either of them. Yan took out her phone and tried to look up what ships, if any, were docked at Emerri station. The Sun's Gold was one ship that regularly made the route between Byforest Station and Emerri, but it didn't look like it was there. If Sid was going to try to leave the planet, he would be stuck waiting on Emerri station until a ship arrived. That was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.
Though a person could easily still disappear and remain hidden on a single planet, it did comfort Yan to know that Sid wouldn't be able to leave orbit quite yet. And if he did try, Emerri station would be an excellent bottleneck to hold him at.
Yan's phone rang, and she answered immediately.
"Any luck?" Yan asked.
"I've tracked his phone. It looks like he's riding on a city bus, but I doubt he's actually on it. More likely he left his phone behind intentionally."
"Where do you think he's going?" Yan asked.
Iri sighed. "You know him better than I do, but Hernan thinks he's probably going to try to get off planet."
"That's what I thought, too." Yan banged on the door of Kino's apartment, trying to get her to hurry up. "I checked- there's no ships at Emerri station right now, so he can't get off planet."
"I sent out an order to delay him if he ends up at the airport," Iri said.
"You can do that?"
"I can do anything. But yes. Hernan and I will be at your apartment with a car in five minutes. Be ready to go."
"Alright," Yan said. "Kino's coming, too."
"Fine. Got to go." Iri hung up.
"Five minutes, Kino!" Yan yelled through the closed door. She felt a little bad about the people sleeping above and below, but since this was a building where important government officials lived, maybe the floors and ceilings were soundproofed.
Kino appeared at the door, dressed, but with her hair down instead of the messy braids. She was ready to go, though, and she shut her door behind her.
"Where are we going?" Kino asked.
"Iri and Hernan are coming, they'll probably have a plan when they get here," Yan explained. She then proceeded to tell Kino everything she knew, starting from Sid's mysterious message and ending with his probably attempt to escape from the planet.
"Are we going to go downstairs?" Kino asked. "Are they going to come get us?"
"I don't know. We're going to go find Sid, but he won't be able to go anywhere too far, so-"
"If it isn't urgent then why'd you have to wake me up?" Kino yawned.
"It is urgent, just, I don't know what we're doing," Yan said. She twisted her hands together. Her phone rang again.
"Are you still in your apartment?" Iri asked.
"In the hallway. Should we come down?"
"No, stay where you are. We're coming up. See you in a second." Iri hung up the phone.
They waited in tense silence for a few moments, then the elevator dinged, spilling Iri and Hernan out into the hallway.
"Come here," Iri said. She stood in front of Sid's door, consulted her phone, and unlocked Sid's door using the passcode. "Hernan had the brilliant idea to check the video feed," she explained. "We'd better free the 'B' team."
Kino raised her eyebrows.
"Sid decided to lock all of your night watchers in the closet," Hernan said. "He's lucky nothing bad actually happened tonight."
"You're not going to tell Halen and Sandreas, right?" Yan asked.
"I can't believe you're trying to protect him right now," Kino said. "This is stupid."
Iri shoved the door open. "Come on, I'll need one of you to break down his closet door."
They walked into Sid's apartment, which was a far cry from the state it had been the last time Yan had been in the room. It was a mess, with furniture knocked over and the ripped pages from Sid's sketchbook scattered around. Had there been a struggle when Sid trapped the night watchers in his closet? Sid's bedroom was in an equally dismal state. It looked as though all the equipment from inside his secret room had been unceremoniously pulled out and dumped on his bed.
"Well, someone will need to break open the back wall." Iri pulled open the closet.
Yan and Kino looked at eachother.
"I'll do it, I guess," Yan said. It was her fault for involving Kino in this in the first place. Yan closed her eyes and sent out her power, feeling the edges of the walls. It didn't respond to her the way her own closet secret room did, obviously, but she could still sense the interior mechanisms. If she was calm, and patient, and concentrated, she could feel the hinges, the weak points in the door, and if she pushed just right…
The door screeched horribly, and Hernan's phone started screaming with an alarm alert. He turned it off.
"Sorry. Halen's been alerted too," Hernan said. "Unavoidable." He said this in such a way that made Yan think that Halen being informed of this break in was anything but unavoidable.
"You really want to get Sid in trouble?" Yan asked, pausing in her efforts to pry open the door. "Why?"
"Just open the door, Yan," Iri said, sounding tired. "We'll deal with the consequences of all this later."
Yan closed her eyes again and finished yanking the door open. It smashed sideways, destroying all of its internal mechanisms and part of the wall. Yan dropped it, and it fell to the floor with a heavy thud. It was a thick piece of metal, but it remained wedged upright, luckily not hitting anything or anyone.
The secret room was dimly lit, and sitting on the floor against the wall were the three minders. They were tied up but unhurt. Iri and Hernan went in to help them. Yan sat on Sid's bed dejectedly. Kino seemed apathetic as she leaned against the undamaged wall. There was a quiet conversation inside the closet between Iri, Hernan, and the three night crew. Yan didn't understand half their conversation, since they were quiet and sounded like half of what they said was in code.
The now untied night crew headed out, thanking Yan as they headed out the door.
"Where are they going?" Yan asked Iri when they left.
"Don't worry about it," Iri said. "Let's go."
Yan got up from the bed, and they all headed out, closing the door to Sid's bedroom behind them. Yan felt sorry for the destruction she had caused, but it was good that Hernan had seen where the night crew had been trapped and that they had been able to free them. That was at least one mystery solved and one worry less to deal with. Now it was just a matter of finding the wayward Sid.
All four of them got in the car that Iri and Hernan had brought. Yan didn't know whose car it was, but it was a personal vehicle, not a government issue one. Hernan climbed in the driver's seat, so it was probably his. Iri was in the passenger seat, and Yan and Kino sat together in the back.
"Are we going to check where Sid left his phone first?" Yan asked, leaning forward to look over Iri's shoulder.
"We have a few leads. Sid is not being very smart about what he's doing," Iri said. She pulled a tablet out of the glovebox and swiped through it to access what she had been looking at last. "He's not on that bus. He used his personal charge card here about half an hour ago." Iri pointed to a spot on a map that she had pulled up on the tablet.
"So we're going there?" Yan asked.
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"Look, Yan, we're going to do our best. We'll go there, and I think it's going to be your responsibility to try to find him. You can find people, right?"
"Oh, yeah. I can do that. Kino?"
"Yeah." Kino stared out the window at the rain dripping down. It was loud on the roof of the car, forcing everyone to talk louder than they normally would. They drove down towards the place where Sid had last been traced.
"Can you like, I don't know, hack the store's security cameras to track where he went?" Yan asked.
"What do you think I am?" Iri asked. "I only have access to the tools that have been planned out ahead of time. Of course we're tracking Sid's charge card, but why would I ever need to get into the security feed of some random store." Iri was frustrated.
"Sorry," Yan apologized, leaning back in her seat.
"Look, we're just lucky that Sid is bad at covering his tracks, or he doesn't care that we're trying to find him," Iri said. "He hasn't gone far, at least in the past half hour. We're getting close. Can you do your thing from the car?"
"Yeah," Yan said. She closed her eyes. For the second time that day, she sent out her power in an expanding sphere, brushing past everyone in a wide radius. There were still so few people out, it was too early for most people to be up. Why had Yan woken so early? Was it God telling her that there was something amiss? Was it just luck? Did her power notice Sid leaving while she was asleep and wake her?
She focused. No sign of Sid.
Hernan had pulled the car over to the side of the road.
"I don't feel him," Yan said.
"We'll move around in a search pattern," Hernan said. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere."
"Why do you think that?" Yan asked.
"He'd have to use his charge card again to take a car or bus somewhere. But all he bought around here was a coffee," Hernan said. "He probably walked around and tried to find somewhere dry to wait."
"He could just deflect the rain," Yan said.
"Yan, Sid is clearly not in his right mind," Iri said. "Who knows what he's doing, other than not moving very far. Let's focus on finding him rather than speculating."
Hernan drove the car down the street. Yan leaned forward again, directing him to the limits of her range. She repeated the exercise several times, seeking Sid's presence in the rain. It took many tries before she found him, just brushing the edge of her consciousness.
"There! He's there!" Yan jumped when she touched him with the power, and she hit her head on the roof of the car. It jolted her so completely out of her concentration that she was momentarily disoriented, confused about where she had felt Sid in relationship to the car.
Hernan brought the car to a stop, the tires skidding momentarily on the wet pavement. They on the true outskirts of Yora, the opposite side of the city from the Academy, and far from Stonecourt. Yan didn't realize how far they had actually gone. This was a place where the buildings of the city abruptly gave way to parkland, which then gave way to a tall forest that had been planted during the original colonization of Emerri. It was an old place, and the trees loomed taller than the buildings on the closest street.
"Sid came to the forest?" Kino asked. Yan felt the touch of Kino's power as she brushed it out, double checking Yan's work. "Oh, yeah."
The rain was still falling in thick sheets, possibly even harder than it had been earlier. Hernan had parked the car along the side of the street that lined the park, which was really just an empty field with some forlorn looking play structures on it. Everyone clambered out. They would have been immediately soaked to the bone, had Kino not thoughtfully brought the power up to cover them, deflecting the rain away from their group. Still, in order to get to the forest where Sid seemed to be hiding, they had to slog through the muddy field.
They reached the threshold of the forest. Though it was fall, and most of the trees around the city had lost their leaves, this forest was primarily pine, and the needles had their own peculiar scent in the wet air. It was dark, darker than it had been out on the streets where the streetlights cast their sickly glows into the puddles and across the roads. Here there was no light at all.
Since Kino was shielding them from the rain, Yan took it upon herself to provide illumination as they walked into the woods. She created the same burning sphere of air that she usually used, keeping it floating just above her hands, so as not to accidentally set fire to the branches or the carpet of brown needles underfoot. The ground was less muddy here, but they had to contend with rocks and roots, so it was no easier of a walk than it had been through the field. At least the trees were spaced far enough apart and the lowest branches were high above their heads.
It wasn't quiet; the rain fell through the branches and the wind tore through the trees in occasional creaking gusts. Still, the walk felt silent. They searched out Sid, both Yan and Kino sending out waves of their power to sense where he was. He was on the move, which made it more difficult to find him. They weren't gaining ground on him, now that they had to travel on foot, they were just barely keeping pace. Sid seemed to move away from them faster than Yan had ever seen him move before. What was driving him deeper and deeper into the forest? Did he know they were following him? Why was he doing this? All of these questions spun around in Yan's mind incessantly, driving her to distraction even when she needed her focus the most- trying to hold up her glowing light and search out Sid's presence at the same time.
Eventually, they started gaining on Sid. He had stopped, maybe to take a break, or maybe because he had reached his ultimate destination. The feeling that they were finally making progress spurred the pursuing group forward. Yan was in the lead, followed closely by Iri and Hernan, shoulder to shoulder, and Kino trailed them, often at a distance of several meters. Occasionally Kino fell so far behind that Yan left the protection of the rain shield, and the cold drops of water hit her face. She would have to stop and wait for Kino to catch up, so that she didn't get lost. It wouldn't do to have both Sid and Kino be missing in the forest.
They eventually found Sid in what could have passed for a clearing in this forest; a ring of pine trees circled an empty space. Sid sat on the trunk of a fallen tree, facing away from the group as they approached. He couldn't hear their footsteps, but he turned around and stood when the light from Yan's fire brightened the ground around him, sending a long shadow out from where he sat. Sid stared at them. They stared back across the clearing.
Sid was drenched, wearing street clothing rather than his uniform cassock. He had a backpack next to him, and a small pile of garbage that looked like the remnants of a meal. In his hand, he clutched his glasses. Birds were beginning to sing, their calls signalling that the sun was coming up, though none of them could see it through the rain and the thick forest canopy.
Yan was the one to finally break the silence and stillness that gripped the group. She tossed her fireball up in the air, then ran towards Sid, stumbling over the uneven ground. She grabbed him, half in a hug, half in a hold to prevent him from running away. In her haste, she had abandoned the protective cover of Kino's rain shield, and the rain fell on her as hard as ever, sliding down her cheeks. Sid's wet clothes accentuated his scrawniness, and he was cold to the touch. He stood stiff in Yan's arms, not hugging her back but not pushing her away. Iri and Hernan stood at the edge of the clearing, silently letting this play out.
Yan dragged her hand down Sid's arm, to his hand where he was clutching the glasses. She pulled his arm up; he didn't resist. She took the glasses and examined them. There were faint, spiderweb cracks along one of the lenses, but in other respects they seemed fine. She delicately placed the glasses on Sid's face, pushing them up his rain slicked nose until they sat securely in their normal place.
"What are you doing, Sid?" Yan asked, her voice not much louder than the rain. "What are you doing?"
"Leaving," Sid replied. His tone was flat, and his face was expressionless. He squirmed away from Yan, ducking out of her grip. Yan tried to clamp down on his arm, but he ripped it away. "Leave me alone!"
Yan reeled back, shocked.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Yan yelled. Somewhere in the distance, birds took off, screeching their unhappiness at Yan and Sid's loud voices. "What are you doing?!" Yan couldn't say anything more coherent than that.
She lunged for Sid's arm, but he scrambled out of the way, and Yan tripped, ending up sprawled across the wet log that had been serving as Sid's seat. He started to run away, trying to go deeper into the forest, but from the edge of the clearing, Kino sent out a burst of power. Sid fell as well, leaving him sprawled on the needle covered ground. Kino released the power and stalked over, standing above Sid as he lay on the ground. She used the power again, flipping him over onto his back so that he could see her. Yan stood. Kino wasn't using the power directly on Sid, just binding his clothes around him and using those to manipulate his body. Kino had no qualms about handling him roughly, apparently. His glasses had fallen off when he tripped. Kino lifted them with the power and shoved them back on his face.
"Answer Yan's question," Kino said coldly. "She dragged me out here to find you, you owe us both that courtesy."
Sid struggled to sit up, but Kino's power kept him pinned to the ground.
"Let him up," Yan pleaded, feeling conflicted. She didn't want him to run, but she was sick seeing him trapped like that. Perhaps Sid could have freed himself, but Kino was giving no quarter. Kino shot Yan a look of disgust, but Yan felt her release Sid, who scrambled into a sitting position. His whole body was covered with the damp brown needles from the forest floor.
"What are you doing?" Kino asked, repeating Yan's question. "Why are you running away?"
"None of you care," Sid said, spitting. He rubbed his face with his sleeve, and needles fell away from both of them. "Fuck off."
"You are on the ground, and I am here ready to kick you," Kino said. "If we didn't care, we would be at home sleeping. Tell us what you think you're doing." Kino pulled back her leg, ready to swing it at Sid.
"Nobody wants me here, so I'm leaving," Sid said. "That's it. That's what I'm doing. I'm going home."
"Going home? Going home?" Yan felt hysterical. "You locked people in your closet! You ran away in the middle of the night! You refused to talk to me! You're going crazy!"
"Yeah, I'm going home," Sid said. He was still sitting on the ground, but he crossed his arms, the picture of defiance. "I want to get away from this stupid planet and this shitty apprenticeship. I never wanted to be here in the first place."
"What? Why?" Yan felt shaky on her feet. "I thought- but-"
"I don't belong here," Sid said. Yan's light above them sputtered in the rain, the drops that hit it turning into steam. "Sandreas told me to leave, so I'm leaving."
"No, he didn't, couldn't-" Yan sat helplessly down on the log, fingers scrabbling against the damp and rotting wood.
"If Sandreas is mad at you, it's because you don't come to work. You can't be mad about that," Kino said. "You idiot. If you came to work and did the right thing, no one would be mad at you. This is your fault."
"My fault? My fault?" Sid looked up at her, his face twisted, ghoulish in the light. "You don't know anything! There's no way you could understand-"
"I don't understand? What. Tell me," Kino said. "Tell me how much you've suffered, Sid. Go on." Kino use the power again, gathering Sid's shirt up like she held the front of it in a giant fist. She pulled on it, dragging him a little way off the ground. Sid clawed at the shirt, trying to free himself. He didn't use the power, just his ineffective fingernails.
Yan had never seen Kino actually angry. She didn't know how to intervene. "Kino, why-"
"No, I want to hear this," Kino said. "Let Sid explain why he's doing this to you."
"He's not doing anything to me!" Yan cried. "I don't-"
Kino's long hair was wet and sticking to her back. She looked positively maniacal. Everything that anyone say to her seemed to just work her up more. How long had she been on this edge of collapse?
"Go on, Sid. What makes you think you get to run away? You get tired of being in your little club with Yan? You get tired of being the only one of us that Sandreas actually likes? You sad that you don't get to use Vena anymore? You want to go back to your cozy little home? Cry to your mommy?" Kino didn't stop until she had to take a ragged breath, not giving Sid a chance to defend himself. She shook him with the power, pulling harder on his shirt.
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Sid finally used the power and yanked his shirt out of Kino's grasp. He stood up, getting in Kino's face. "What is wrong with you?"
Kino shoved him, with her hands this time, and he stumbled back a few steps.
Sid turned to Yan. "See! Fuck you. This is why I'm leaving." He turned again and started walking away.
"Sid!" Yan cried out, anguished.
Kino just kept shouting at him. "You think you're the only one with problems? The only one who feels like they don't belong? You're so special because you've got a home to go back to, and somebody who'll chase you down."
Sid finally rose to the provocation. He stopped and turned back towards Kino.
"And you're so much better than me? You have no idea what I've been through!" Sid yelled back.
"I don't?" Kino laughed, a hollow, horrible sound. The rain was still falling all around them. "You don't have any idea what other people are like. You can't look past your own nose. You think I haven't seen people die? Hunh?"
"You never-" Sid tried to say something back, but Kino stalked over to him. Yan stood up. She needed to be ready to intervene if things went worse than they already were.
"You're a coward. It's pathetic. I shouldn't have come with you," Kino said, turning to Yan. Yan felt helpless, paralyzed.
"Are you ok, Kino?" Yan asked finally. "I didn't mean to-"
"Now you're taking her side?" Sid was irrational, walking back towards them. "I never asked you to come find me. I didn't want you to."
The three had ended up just a few arms lengths apart from each other. Sid and Kino couldn't put their hands on the other without lunging, and Yan was in position to step in between, if it came to it. Kino and Sid were both still angry. Kino's face had returned to its normal blank expression, but she was breathing heavily and her hands were clenched into fists at her sides. Sid was baring his teeth, the orange firelight glinting off his glasses and making his face look more like a skull than ever.
"Sid, I don't want you to leave," Yan said. "Please." She was begging, and she didn't know if it would even help. "Please don't go."
"Sandreas told me to leave," Sid said.
"Did he really? Because I think if he had then you wouldn't have had to lock people in your closet," Yan snapped. Why weren't they signing to each other? Why were they yelling? What had come between them since they got back to Emerri? “God, Sid- don’t.”
Sid looked down at the ground.
"I have to go," he said.
"No, you don't," Yan said. "Don't go. We came to bring you back."
"You don't understand," Sid said.
"Then for God's sake," Kino said, her temper flaring again, "please explain it to us!"
"I'm- I just- no one wants me here. I'm not good at this like you are." He was looking directly at Yan. "I'll never fit in, and I'm a burden to everyone, that's why you leave me behind, and-"
"Sandreas told me that he thinks you'll be his successor," Kino said. She dropped that information like a bomb, and Sid was stunned into silence for a few seconds. "So if you think that Sandreas doesn't like you, that's you being fucking crazy. At least you're not me. I know everyone thinks I'm a freak."
"I don't," Yan said. "Kino- I-"
"No, you and Sid can go and have your own little adventure, and then you come back and everything's different, but you think that must be so much worse than what I've been through, I wouldn't be able to understand," Kino said, rambling. It was rare for Kino to talk so much, and to stand so still. "I know you would rather have him than me. I get it. I know that's why you dragged me out here."
"I didn't mean it like that," Yan said. Everything was coming down around her. "I thought we were friends." Yan didn't even know if she was addressing Kino or Sid. Both, probably.
"Sure. Friends. We're just in the same place at the same time. That doesn't mean we have anything in common. Friends," Kino said. Her voice was dull again.
Yan didn't want to bring up her own pain. Maybe Sid did feel like he didn't fit in, somehow. And Kino, too, if she thought that everyone thought she was freaky. But Yan understood feeling like an outsider; she was an orphan among her family, a spacer on the ground, a sensitive everywhere, a sore thumb, a raw edge, a misstep in the pattern of normal life.
But-
Kino was a refugee. Yan had no idea what her childhood was actually like, she hadn't been much for discussing it. She was probably an orphan, and at one point just as addicted to Vena as Sid seemed to be. Kino probably had more in common with either of them than anyone really thought. She still didn't understand just why Kino was so angry at Sid, but she was trying to look at things through her eyes.
As for why Sid was acting the way he was, Yan didn't understand it, and she wished she could. The two things that Sid and Kino said didn't add up; if Sandreas had said that Sid was to be his successor, why was he trying to send him away? Perhaps everyone's emotions were just running too high for things to be coherent.
"Kino." Yan looked at her, and though Kino didn't meet her eyes, she was listening. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel alone, or like I didn't care for you- I do. I don't understand everything that you've gone through, and I probably never can, but I do- I do care, and I don't want you to think that I don't."
Yan turned to Sid, who was frowning at the ground, but at least not running away. "Sid, please don't go. I need you-"
"No you don't," he said. "You know what to do."
"I don't!" Yan swiped her wet sleeve across her face, not sure if it was rain blurring her vision or tears. Her throat was certainly choked up enough for it to be tears, but her eyes weren't burning the way they normally would. "I miss having you with me, and I just want you to be okay."
"Then you should let me leave," Sid said.
"No, please, please, please." Yan grabbed at Sid's arm, and he jerked it away. Yan dropped her arm to her side, dejected.
"Why did you even come here?" Kino asked. She was calmer now, but still was directing the conversation away from pleading with Sid to stay.
"I always liked coming here, on Sixdays when we were at the Academy. We don't have forests like this at home. I just needed a place to wait, before I went to the elevator," Sid said. Some of the tension left him like a deflated balloon.
"Are you really going home?" Kino asked. "You shouldn't."
"My family would take me back," Sid said.
"You don't even like being there," Yan said in protest.
"You don't know anything about my family," Sid said. Apparently Yan had pressed the wrong button, because he was angry again. "You don't understand."
"Maybe I don't, but I do know you should stay here," Yan said. She was firm this time, gaining confidence.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Doesn't this look like a burned bridge to you?" Sid asked, gesturing around himself aimlessly.
The rain was finally slowing, the drops smaller and less frequent than they had been earlier in the morning. It was a nice reprieve from the relentless onslaught of cold drops that had been falling before.
"It will be okay if you come back, I promise," Yan said.
"You can't promise anything like that," Sid said.
"Yes I can," Yan argued. "I'll make it be okay."
"How?" Sid seemed skeptical, but if he was willing to entertain the idea, that was at least progress from the screaming fight they had been having earlier. Kino also seemed interested in what Yan's answer would be; her eyebrows were raised and she was studying Yan intently.
"Sandreas wants me to take more control. If I order people to do things, maybe…"
"I don't think Sandreas wants you to boss him around," Sid said. He laughed, a calculated, harsh sound. "That would be hilarious, though."
"Well then you should come back just so you can witness it."
"You should come back just so we can get out of this stupid wet forest," Kino said. She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms. "If it helps, I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving," Sid said. "I… haven't been feeling like myself lately."
"That's obvious to anyone with a pair of eyeballs," Yan said.
"That wasn't what I would have wanted an apology for," Kino said, "but if that's all you're willing to give then I will have to take it."
Sid glared at her again, and she stared back, unflinching. They were worse than they were when they first met, Yan thought. Why couldn't they all just get along? Why wasn't this easy? It felt like it should be. Maybe Yan understood the both of them even less than she thought she had.
Yan looked at Sid, not wanting to ask him again if he was coming back with them, just wanting him to say that he would. Kino had no such qualms about asking, though.
"So, are you coming back?" Kino asked. She looked at Sid and slowly unclenched her fingers
"Do I have a choice?" Sid asked. "I'm outgunned."
"You have the choice to come willingly," Kino said.
"How hard would you fight me on this?" Sid asked.
"Hard enough that you wouldn't win," Kino said. "If you had really wanted to get away, you wouldn't have been so dumb and obvious about it. Then we wouldn't have been able to catch you."
"I don't know how you caught me," Sid said. He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. Some of the tension had left their group. Maybe everyone just needed to scream at each other to get out what they needed to say.
"You used your charge card at a store," Yan said. "That's traceable."
"But it was my personal one," Sid whined. Yan rolled her eyes.
"Come on. Let's get out of here and go home," Kino said. She started walking back towards where Iri and Hernan had been watching the whole scene unfold. Sid sighed, picked up his backpack, and started to follow her. Yan stayed a moment longer, gathering up the garbage that Sid was apparently going to leave in the forest. She jammed the soggy mess into her pocket, summoned her light from above them, and walked out of the clearing and back into the woods.