In My Thoughts and in My Words
> “All seeing and all knowing. The darkness between the stars is known to God. The center of the star’s light is seen through. And what, to a star, is the heart of a man?”
>
> -from Eighth Song: Wisdom
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Aymon found Halen when he came back into Stonecourt. It wasn't hard to track him down, even though Halen hadn't made a pilgrimage to Aymon's office as he had expected. Aymon had read the report that Sid had written about his experience, which had been sent down as soon as their ship jumped into the system, along with an accompanying note that said that Sid was planning to go directly to bed rather than report to Aymon's office when his shuttle landed.
Still, even though he had all the information he physically needed, Aymon wanted to hear it directly from someone who had been there. And, if he was willing to admit it to himself, he missed Halen. So he found him. Halen always made a stop at the gym before bed, and today was no different. Even though Halen was almost as old as Aymon was, he kept himself in shape, and was far stronger than the average person. The power helped with that, somewhat, Aymon hypothesized. Not that Halen used it to lift weights or whatever, simply that it gave him a vitality that most of the population lacked. Aymon felt it too, in his own way.
The gym was small, a private affair, but well equipped. Halen was its primary user, and he was the only one here at the time. Aymon could tell that before he opened the door-- he had sent out his power in a tentative wave, and, though he felt Halen's presence, he received no response. He opened the door and stepped inside. Halen had stripped down to workout shorts and an undershirt, and he was sweating profusely as he sat at a rowing machine. The temperature in the room was quite cold, even underneath Aymon's cassock. The only sounds were the creaking of the machine and Halen's heavy breathing.
Aymon walked further into the room, stopped a few meters away from Halen, and just leaned against the wall and watched him for a while. Neither of them spoke. Eventually, Halen finished his reps and just leaned forward on the machine, not really moving anymore, catching his breath. Aymon walked over to the little fridge on the side of the wall and got a water bottle. He tossed it to Halen, who caught it with the power. He drank about half of it, then poured the rest into his hands and rubbed it on his face, the water dripping down. He wiped himself off with the towel on the bench behind him.
"Rough trip?" Aymon asked.
"It was fine," Halen said. "Nothing bad happened."
"That's good. Get along with Sid alright?"
"He's a smart kid. It was good to spend some time with him."
They were quiet for a minute more. The idea of interrogating Halen about the details of his trip seemed wholly unnecessary now, and just looking at him brought to Aymon's mind a sudden longing for things to return to the way that they had been, before Yan and Kino's departure, before apprentices even. It seemed as though Halen was reluctant to say anything, and everything that Aymon wanted to say melted away in the passage between his brain and his mouth. He was so used to Halen just interpreting his feelings for him, and saying everything that needed to be said between them.
"I missed you," Aymon said finally. "I miss you."
"I know." Halen looked up at him, but in such a way that their eyes didn't meet. There was this gulf in between them, and one of them had to cross it. It was going to have to be Aymon, and he battled the hard and sharp part inside of him that didn't want to bow down, didn't want to apologize. Bitter thoughts came easily to his brain, but he didn't mean them, didn't want them. It was a fight between the worse half of himself, the half that wanted to take out all the anger and frustration of the past on Halen, and the part that wanted nothing more than to make amends. The good part of himself. That was the part that he had to force to win. He was the one in control of his own words. He wasn't some sort of impulsive child anymore, and had no excuse.
"I'm sorry," Aymon said finally. "For what I said. About you and Yan." The words came out fumblingly, haltingly.
"I understand," Halen said. That wasn't forgiveness, and it didn't sound encouraging. Not for the first time, Aymon wished that he had Halen's power, so that he could understand what the other man was feeling.
"And for sending Sid out," he added lamely. There was probably more he could apologize for, but searching the painful past for his own private transgressions was harder than he liked. He felt like an Academy student once again, tearfully explaining some kind of wrongdoing to the masters or the minders.
"Are you actually sorry, or do you just want things to go back to the way they were?" Halen asked, still not meeting Aymon's eyes.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"I don't know," Aymon said. "How would I know the difference?"
"I can't always be the one to figure that out for you."
Aymon considered his next words as carefully as he could. "I'm sorry that I hurt you because I love you. I don't want to see you hurt."
"You did want to then," Halen said. "I could feel it in you. You wanted to hurt me."
"Only because I was hurting. Only because... I don't know," Aymon said. His hands fell limply to his sides. "I shouldn't have wanted that. I don't want it now, and I hate my past self for it."
"I can still feel it inside you, though," Halen said. "You're still ready to lash out at me, any moment now you will."
The bitterness continued to swell inside him, and he bit his tongue, holding himself mute. Halen wasn't wrong, but to confirm or deny would be to admit guilt and ruin it all. Perhaps there was no chance of salvaging this conversation anyway. This was the double edged sword of Halen's power-- he was being judged for things he had not done, things he was trying desperately not to do. There was no sanctity in his head, it was just as God could see his thoughts, so too could Halen judge him for the sins of the heart.
Aymon felt unbearably lonely then. The cruelty in his heart was born of self pity, which rose up to choke him.
"I love you," Aymon said again, pathetically. "I need you." The truth of it was that, in the end, Halen didn't need him. Halen never had. Not even in the first moments of their meeting, when Aymon had saved Halen's life. Even then, Halen would have been content to die, Aymon knew.
There had to be some key words that he could say, something that would let him back in to Halen's heart. He didn't understand what they were, so he couldn't say them. He looked at Halen, pleading, but Halen kept looking at the dead space just over Aymon's left shoulder. He forced away the bitterness that was telling him that Halen was doing this to hurt him. He choked it down like medicine.
He stood there for a moment, and when the words didn't come, he was faced with a choice. He could leave, turn and walk away. It would be so easy. He could think of what to say and come back to it. The bitterness would grow, true, but he would have time. Halen would wait for him, probably. But instead, Aymon tried to cross the rift. He stepped forward, closing the gap between them, and stared into Halen's face. Slowly, he knelt down, pressed his forehead to Halen's bare knee. There was no rush of communication in the power; it was deadly silent. Halen's leg was warm and sweaty.
"Please forgive me," Aymon whispered after a long moment of intense stillness.
The moment dragged on, and the heat of Halen's body was oppressive. Still, Aymon would make no move until Halen did. He remained tense on the floor until Halen shifted slightly, and he felt the tangle of Halen's broad and gentle fingers moving through his hair. Aymon relaxed, feeling boneless and forgiven, and clung to Halen with all his strength.
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"I hope you know exactly how much I just saved you," Aymon said. Nomar Thule was in his office, sitting in front of his desk, leaning somewhat back in his chair, looking over at Aymon.
Thule still had the self assured look he had carried as an apprentice, and if Aymon was honest, it had only gotten worse since the last time he had seen him. That must have been aboard Thule's family's ship, what was its name, so long ago after Ungarti's funeral. Thule had been on Emerri for business, and Aymon had taken the opportunity to summon him to his room for a chat.
"I don't believe I understand what you mean, First Sandreas," Thule said.
Aymon raised an eyebrow, leaning forward with his elbows on his desk. "I'm sure you've heard the rumors."
"There are so many rumors, it's hard to pick out what's important and what isn't," Thule said. "What specifically are you referring to?"
"I just had my apprentice, Sid, have a chat with your former coworker."
"Yuuni?"
"The one and only," Aymon said with a slight smile. Despite the amount of trouble that Yuuni Olms was causing him, he did have a slight soft spot for the former apprentice to his sometimes enemy.
"And what did they talk about?" He paused for a second, then smiled. "I feel like I shouldn't care. The actions of a failed politician have no interest to me, and the comings and goings of Imperial employees are none of my business."
"Ms. Olms was attempting to stir up support for a vote of no confidence in Wil Vaneik."
"That certainly is unfortunate, but it has very little to do with me," Thule said. "I'm not the Guildmaster."
"Don't be coy with me," Aymon said. "I'm not particularly in the mood. If you think that anything you have done with the young Vaneik has escaped Imperial notice, you'd be wrong."
"Is that a threat?"
"I don't believe so, no," Aymon said. Talking to Thule was giving him a headache. He should have had Sid in here to do this. The two had gotten along, at one point. That was before Thule had decided to kill his own master, though.
"So just an ominous statement, then."
"It's not intended to be taken as anything other than fact," Aymon said. "Knowing the business of the Guild is the Empire's business. Keeping the Guild functioning is our problem as much as it is yours."
"I see."
"And so that is why I sent Sid to convince Ms. Olms to stop her little crusade."
"Because you think that she will put your request over her hatred of me? I knew she was an Imperial puppet, but I didn't know exactly how much of one."
"I'm bribing her to lay off it," Aymon said.
Thule laughed. "That's low."
"I'm letting you know this as a courtesy."
"It seems like money slipped quietly under the table should stay silent."
"We're giving her a stardrive. Your cooperation in making that transaction appear legitimate would be appreciated."
Thule's face darkened ever so slightly. "And why should I do that?"
Aymon stared him down for a second, considering how wide open he should lay Thule. "You may be angry that she is the more competent of the two of you," Aymon said, "but your personal feelings have no need to enter into it."
"Competent?" Thule scoffed.
Aymon caught his eyes across the desk. "Do you think that Marne Vaneik regrets sharing her husband's mail?"
The blood drained from Thule's face.
"Yes, I know all about that," Aymon said. "You didn't think that I didn't, did you?"
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Thule was silent. Aymon was grateful that Sid had been able to find out some information from Yuuni, who had... Well, the speculation about the veracity of Yuuni's story was still ongoing. Clearly there was some truth to it, considering the way that Thule reacted.
"So, you see that I keep your secrets," Aymon said. "I am willing to continue to do so, because the stability of the Guild is important to me, and you are important to the stability of the Guild."
"I'm flattered that you think so." Thule said, his voice slightly shaky.
"I don't make a habit of lying," Aymon said. "At least not to your face."
"And what do you want from me in exchange?"
"Did I say that I want anything? Aside from your cooperation with keeping Ms. Olms happy?"
"I assume there is something else. You wouldn't have called me here if there wasn't. You could easily strongarm me into letting her have her stardrive without any face to face communication," Thule said. His voice was bitter.
"Maybe so. It's valuable to have communication anyway." Aymon paused and studied him. "I have a request to make of you. You won't like it."
Thule laughed. "And could I even say no?"
"Oh, you certainly could. You have complete power to refuse this request. I would be unhappy, but you could."
"Because you can't really do anything to me, because you're committed to the stability of the Guild."
"For now."
"What is it you want then?"
Aymon steeled himself. He didn't want to ask this, but it was becoming urgent, considering the encounter that the Neutron Star had apparently had with Kino. He couldn't have them going around stirring up trouble, especially not within the Guild, and he couldn't announce Kino as dead just yet.
"Your supership," Aymon said.
"What about it?"
"I need it to do me a favor."
Thule laughed harshly and crossed his arms over his chest. "You mean the ship that you hunted down, that's been sitting incomplete ever since you took its station?"
"Yes, that's the one." Aymon kept his voice as professional as he could. He didn't think that Thule had any right to be frustrated about that, considering that the ship was being built illegally.
"That ship doesn't officially exist," Thule said.
"Of course not. That's why I need it to do me a favor."
"Which is?"
"I have an embarrassing confession to make that I trust will not leave this room," Aymon said.
Somewhat interested, Thule leaned forward. It was rare that the leader of the Empire admitted to any embarrassment. Still, Aymon was willing to cash in on that interest and admit vulnerability to get done what he needed to.
"My own ship, the First Star, the captain went rogue and stole the ship. He hasn't shown his face in very many places, but he's been using his credentials to pretend that the ship is out on legitimate business. He may even be pretending that my apprentice, Kino, is on board. She is not."
"And what do you want me to do about that?"
"I would like you to quietly destroy the First Star. It is not heavily armed, and is operating with a small crew."
"Why don't you send the Fleet after it? Isn't that well within their purview?"
Aymon put a concerned expression on his face. "It was inaction of various Fleet officials which enabled the First Star to be taken in the first place," Aymon said. If the Fleet officials were himself and Halen, then that was technically a true statement. "The people responsible have been dealt with. But it's the image of the thing. I don't want the idea of this insurrection to spread. I can't let other Fleet captains, or anyone else, get ideas."
"So you want me to send someone to shoot it down?"
"Your fastest ship against my fastest ship. More than a fair matchup."
"And what will I receive in return?"
"My continued goodwill. And should you manage to destroy the First Star, you may keep its stardrive. It's less than thirty years old."
"Be honest with me, how likely is it that my ship will be able to find yours, and take it out?"
"Likely. I don't believe it to be well defended in its current state. And I believe its behavior will be fairly predictable."
"Where do you think it will be going?"
"I will have someone provide you a list of black stations it may be inclined to visit. It may also make a stop at Hanathue, and make a kind of pilgrimage to Falmar. It may also attempt to make contact with Guild ships or pirates, in order to establish business relationships."
"There's no way in the universe I'll be sending anyone within a lightyear of Falmar."
"That's not what Ungarti said," Aymon said, rather flippantly.
"Why in God's name would the ship go there?"
"The captain's daughter was a colonist there. He may be interested in visiting her grave," Aymon lied. It was a plausible enough story, considering that he thought there was a fairly good chance that Kino would want to return to the land of her birth. He couldn't predict them, obviously, and he wasn't going to give Thule the locations of planets where the Fleet was-- ongoing battle sites. Kino and Yan taking the First Star to Tyx III would be effective suicide, Aymon thought, so it was unlikely that they would end up there regardless. Anywhere else was fair game. It would be good to have more eyes, especially secret ones, searching to destroy the First Star within the Empire itself.
"Ah," Thule said. "Still, that range covers effectively the entire Empire. I don't know how you expect me to find a ship with a trail that cold."
"I encourage you to put out some ears into the world and listen. I somehow doubt that the First Star will be laying so low as to be out of contact. If you can catch wind of where it's going, you will be able to surprise it and catch it off guard."
"I'm sorry, First Sandreas, but this sounds incredibly stupid," Thule said, leaning back in his chair.
"What good is that ship doing for you otherwise?" Aymon asked. "Do you need further encouragement?"
Thule raised an eyebrow.
"I am never going to be able to officially acknowledge your ship as existing," Aymon said. "It's a danger to every planet in the Empire. But I can either tacitly ignore it or order it destroyed. I'm sure you would prefer the first one."
"You already tried the second, and couldn't get that to work."
"No, I was going after your station," Aymon said. "A station is verifiably illegal, as you know."
"Would you have cried if you had managed to capture my ship, though?"
Aymon just smiled. "Regardless, I want to have a friendly working relationship. And when you undoubtedly start using your ship to keep your own people in line, you'll want me to turn a blind eye to it."
"Why would I do such a thing?" Thule asked. They had abandoned any pretense of Wil Vaneik being the one in charge of the Guild, and its rogue supership.
"Because I'm sure that doing so will be to your advantage someday, and I haven't know you to sleep on an advantage yet."
"Fine. I'll give the command to keep an eye out."
"Think of it as testing your strength. You should be able to know if your ship can take on another."
"It's not currently finished," Thule warned. "It doesn't have a full crew, or a full complement of weapons or anything."
"The First Star doesn't have a full crew either. You should be able to handle it."
Thule made a dismissive sound deep in his throat. "I'll instruct the crew to do their best."
"Excellent."
"You always keep me on my toes, First Sandreas."
"It's only fair. Ungarti made me crazy for the entire time he was Guildmaster. Turnabout is fair play."
"I'm not Ungarti."
"No, no you are not." Aymon smiled. "But his legacy is the Guild's, and yours now. So we will all have to live with each other for as long as that lasts." His smile was tight. Nomar Thule was probably not going to last as long as Thule himself would like. Perhaps they both knew that.
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Sid came to find Aymon at lunch. Lunch, for Aymon, unless he had something pressing to attend to (such as a meeting) generally consisted of a stroll around the gardens of Stonecourt, an iced coffee in hand. The weather was warm but not hot, breezy but not windy, and a pleasant scent of the not-too-distant ocean carried over the walls, along with the muted noises of the city. Aymon was alone, in the sense that Halen wasn't with him, but his omnipresent security detail tailed him at its normal respectful distance.
He felt the touch of Sid's power pass over him, carrying a questioning feeling. He couldn't see his Second, but he was definitely nearby. Aymon sent a brush of his own power back, responding to Sid's unspoken question and triangulating his location. There was another person with Sid-- not a sensitive-- who Aymon's power passed over. The presence was familiar but not known, probably someone whom Aymon had only seen once or twice. His question as to who it was was answered when he turned a corner past a bubbling fountain surrounded by tall hedges and found his young Second sitting on a bench, enfolded in the gangly embrace of that lieutenant, Cesper, Aymon remembered his name.
It was a slightly awkward intrusion, especially since Sid had called him over, but Sid saw him over Cesper's shoulder and gave a tiny smirk to Aymon, who sighed. Sid was lucky that Aymon was in a good mood, or he may have found the reckless passions and follies of youth rather more annoying. Sid gently extricated himself from Cesper's arms and stood. Cesper, plainly confused, stood as well, then turned to look where Sid was looking. When he saw Aymon leaning slightly back on his heels, with his arms folded across his chest, Cesper's face turned pale then red in rapid succession, as though his body couldn't figure out if it wanted to be terrified or ashamed.
"Good afternoon, Lieutenant Cesper," Aymon said. "Sid."
Sid continued to grin at him, and nudged Cesper. "Good afternoon, First Sandreas," Cesper said, clearing his throat a little.
"Glad to see you escaped the clutches of Nomar Thule," Sid said.
"Indeed. It went about as well as I had hoped. Was I interrupting something here?" he asked casually.
"No," Sid said. "Ervantes was just here to say goodbye."
"Goodbye?" Aymon asked.
Cesper cleared his throat once again, seemingly dying of embarrassment. "I'm going to visit my father for a few weeks," he said.
"I suppose we have monopolized your leave time from the Fleet enough that you deserve a bit of a vacation from your vacation, as it were," Aymon said. He noted that Cesper was wearing his Fleet uniform. Probably that was only because he looked more at place wandering around Stonecourt in it than he would have in his civilian clothes.
"I serve the Empire," Cesper said with a slight nod of his head.
"Of course. One need not serve the Empire every waking second, though." He looked at Sid. "Do you need more time, or can we talk for a moment?"
Sid looked at Cesper. "He was just about to go." Sid stood on his tiptoes and pecked the taller man on the cheek. Cesper blushed again, much more furiously this time. Aymon put up with this display with generous patience.
"See you in a few weeks," Sid said.
"Yes, of course," Cesper replied, sounding rather dazed. "I'll text you."
Sid grinned.
"Goodbye, First Sandreas," Cesper said.
"Goodbye, Lieutenant," Aymon said, smiling in what he hoped was a benign expression. "I'm sure we'll see each other again."
Cesper nodded, then turned and hurried away down one of the many paths out of the Stonecourt gardens. He seemed to have an appropriate sense of direction, so Aymon felt no need to send a guard watching after him to make sure he arrived at his eventual destination.
"You're not exactly subtle," Aymon said to Sid, walking closer to him after Cesper had disappeared from earshot.
"Do I need to be?"
"The walls have ears," Aymon said.
"I don't," Sid said with a grin.
"Yes you do," Aymon said, gently tugging on one of Sid's earlobes.
"Ouch."
"The walls have eyes, at the very least," he said.
"I'm not planning to end up like you," Sid said.
Aymon wrapped his arm around Sid's shoulder, in a protective gesture. The upshot of it was that they were able to communicate through the power. He led Sid along down one of the paths, carefully avoiding any other people. His guard stayed a respectful distance away. "You wouldn't face some of the problems that Halen would, it's true." He couldn't help the warm feeling that carried along his message.
"You're in a good mood," Sid said aloud. In the power, he sent back, "Did you apologize for whatever you did?"
"Yes," Aymon said aloud.
"I'm glad," Sid sent through the power. "Now Halen can stop taking it out on me."
"You just have to be careful," Aymon said. "Anything that you're known to love can and will be used against you."
"I will, I promise."
"I know you will."
"So, the meeting with Thule, tell me all about it."
"It went well," Aymon said. "I got him to agree to my terms for the stardrive."
"Oh, that's good," Sid said. "What did you say to him?"
"I just told him what we knew," Aymon said. "He quickly saw the value of cooperation."
"I see. Do you think he's going to do anything else?"
"I believe he understands that he is on a tight leash." Then he added, through the power, "There is one other thing."
Sid turned his head and looked at him, a questioning expression on his face. Aymon kept his a professional mask, and tried not to let any of his feelings flow through their physical connection and the power.
"You understand that I have to take a move against Kino, now that she is making moves out in the world," Aymon said.
Sid tensed up under his arm, but, to his credit, did not jerk away. He simply waited for the conclusion of Aymon's message.
"The Guild's supership. I asked Thule's cooperation in hunting down and destroying the First Star."
Sid's mental voice, when he finally answered, was full of some residual pain and anger. "Let me go with them," he said.
"No, absolutely not," Aymon said. "I knew you would ask. The answer is unequivocally no."
"Why not?" Sid asked. His shoulders were tense.
"More reasons than I can even begin to articulate," Aymon said. "Dangerous, for one. I need you here. And I don't want to risk you getting--"
"They wouldn't drag me down with them," Sid said. The bitterness in his mental voice was palpable.
"Halen and I both failed to stop them at a crucial moment because of our weakness. I wouldn't want that to happen to you."
Sid ground his teeth, so hard that it was audible to Aymon. Aymon squeezed his shoulder tighter. "I know," he sent to Sid. "I understand how you must feel. But I'm not going to let you go out there. And if you try, I will kill you myself."
"I feel like there's this pressure, building up," Sid whispered aloud. "Like there's going to be a time when I come face to face with that whole thing. Halen thinks so too. That's why he's pushing me so hard. I just want it to be over with, and for the pieces to fall where they fall."
"That's not fated to happen," Aymon said. "Nothing is."
"It's as good as," Sid said. "It's like this unresolved thread." He yanked on his own sleeve, a twisted approximation of the fidget that Kino constantly did.
"What good do you think that it would do to push it now? You were telling me not to push things just a little while ago."
"This is personal."
Aymon laughed, a single bark, and Sid prodded him in the ribs with his elbow. "You know what I mean," Sid said.
"I do. I understand. But I'm still not going to let you do something crazy. We're not seeking opportunities to put ourselves in danger. That particular thing will have to come to us."
They walked in silence through the rustling leaves of the garden as companions.