Where am I? Men and women dressed in the black of mourning I realize soon enough. A salute from the military. My crying relatives, and those here to claim my inheritance. Ah, my little sister. It’s a shame I couldn’t be a better brother.

My stepmother, tears streaming down her face. “You stupid son…” she mutters in between gasps.  I wish we could have made up. A scene from when I was younger plays in my head.

Two people stand in a small living room. Objects strewn across the floor as they’re engaged in a heated argument.

“I wish you weren’t born!” She yells.

“You’re not even my real mother!” The room goes silent.

I shouldn’t have said that. It’s true we weren’t related by blood, but she’d raised two children who weren’t even her own… and for 16 years. I found out long ago. The important thing isn’t whether they gave birth to you, but rather, who raised you. I wanted to apologize, but I kept avoiding it. Saying I had another assignment, that it couldn’t be helped. I’m sorry. Although it’s too late now.

My father wearing his old navy blue uniform and cap, standing tall with a single tear tracing a trail down his cheek as he stares up at the clear sky. I almost laugh remembering a certain anime. He shouldn’t try to act tough all the time. I know how much he’s hurting.

“Jyun, if things get rough, make sure you come back alive. I don’t care what you do to achieve that. No matter how pitiful you seem, or how much your pride hurts. Even if you abandon those around you. You’ll always be my son.”

“Haha, how can I run? I’m on a sub, remember?” I joke in an attempt to ease the atmosphere.

“No matter what.” He says with a stern look on his face.

Hm? I’m even getting a commemoration speech from a Vice Admiral? A few lofty awards as well. Poor consolation for those who’ve lost their family to war.

They lower what’s left of my body into the grave. My family approaches it to leave a few presents as farewell.

A bundle of flowers from my stepmother. She always did like her flowers.

My father lowers a crate full of chocolates and other sweets. Haha, guess my father knows me best… or… not.

If I could blush, I would, as my sister lowers an imouto doujinshi into the grave. I want to hide, but guess I don’t have to. Or rather why wasn’t she disgusted? Maybe she is, but I’d never think of my own sister that way. How’d she even find out? Ah. An old scene plays in the back of my memory.

“Hey, I’m gonna take a shower.” I say.

“Okay.” She responds.

“Want to take one with me? For old time’s sake?” I ask with a grin.

“Ewww, no!”

“Your loss,” I respond with a chuckle.

“Can I use your computer?” She asks, her voice muffled through the door.

“Hm? Sure.” Wait, I made sure to unplug the external, right? Meh, should be fine.

I did remember her leaving in a hurry that day. Haa. I want to die… oh.

I sigh in relief as dirt is shoveled in, covering the comic.

The sun starts to set as people begin to leave. Most likely headed to the after death party to stuff their faces and make merry. Sending me off with a smile type of deal.

My family are the only ones left. My stepmother leaves after a while, saying something about entertaining the guests.

“What kind of child dies before his parents…” I hear my dad, a pang shoots through my heart.

I didn’t wait my turn, I know. I’m sorry dad.

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“Not even leaving me a grandson to dote on. It was my dream you know? To have you and your sister build your homes where our farm used to be. All of us sitting around as we watch your kids playing in the fields.”

I’m sorry. Please live out that dream with my sister. For my sake as well.

A few hours pass, and my father pats my sister’s shoulder. “We should head over as well. We do have our responsibilities as host.”

She nods before replying, “I’ll just be here a little longer… I just wish we could have had this time when he was alive.”

“All right. I’ll explain it to your mother.”

Another silent hour passes. The moon shining brilliantly in the night sky, surrounded by a myriad of sparkling stars.

“Why didn’t you come home more often?” She asks breaking out in tears.

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Why…” she hugs my tombstone, the tears glistening on her cheeks. Body shaking from the heaving sobs.

The breeze picks up, cold winter air causing her to shiver.

Just go. There’s no need for you to be out in this cold.

“H-huh?”

Did she just… hear me?

“Brother?” She calls out tentatively.

I stay silent. There’s no point.

Her expression softens, and she begins talking.

“I… want to believe that you’re listening. So I’ll tell you everything I wanted to.”

“I’m sorry for looking at your porn on the external hard drive.”

Ehh?! You’re starting with that?!

She doubles over in a fit of giggles.

“But still, I never expected you to like me that way.. of course, I’m just kidding.”

Holy shit, can she really hear me?

“It’s funny how clearly I remember your voice. Your reactions, and those mannerisms. Even though you hadn’t visited in over four years.. or maybe that’s why. Maybe what I remember is just the you from before.”

“I really wished we had more time together. I know why you left, but mother isn’t that bad you know. It’s just.. she had to raise two kids that weren’t her own. Leaving an easy life back in Japan to marry someone her parents objected. She had a hard time here too, being hated by our birth mother’s family. It was nothing but pent up frustrations and grief, and they took it out on her...”

Hey, it’s alright. I understand. I understood a long time ago. It was just my cowardice that stopped me from coming back. I didn’t know how to apologize. Even though all I had to say was a straightforward “I’m sorry.” It was too hard for me. My stubbornness and pride, fear and uncertainty. I didn’t know that’s all I had to do. No, it was more like, I didn’t know if that was enough.

“But, you’re smart so you’ve probably realized this years ago, but really, you can be amazingly stupid at times too. We’re a family after all.” She giggles.

I… know. We are a family...

“No matter what.” She finishes my sentence.

“I’m getting married.” She says after a long pause. “He’s an average looker, and his grades aren’t the best, so you probably wouldn’t have approved of him.”

Of course not. You’re my little sister. Only the most handsome, richest, smartest, and caring guy is allowed to even glance your way.

“But I think you’d come to like him after you meet him. He loves me you know. Enough to leave the comfort of his shell, use an old fashioned courtship that was both embarrassing and endearing, and propose in the most bank breaking manner he could.” She says giggling. “You were always bad at that.”

Hm?

“You’d always hide behind that wall of yours. Never letting others in. I could see it, and it hurt me. Every time you’d pass someone up saying they weren’t serious enough, or that their looks weren’t good enough, I’d know. That the only thing holding you back was that you believed that you didn’t deserve to be loved. That you’d only taint them and drag them to the hell you’ve made yourself believe you are.”

T-that’s…

“I knew you were infatuated with romance, and it’s why you kept yourself from it. You were too scared, lost, and it is scary. To love is to give all of oneself. When you think about that, it sends shivers down your spine. But that wasn’t the only reason you were scared. It was also because you’d become their caretaker as well. You saw it as something pure, fragile, not to ever be touched, but that’s wrong.”

Hikari…

“Nobody is perfect, nobody is pure, and everyone deserves to love. The soul they give you is stronger than you think. It can be torn, shattered, stepped on, and extinguished… but it’ll always make it’s way back.”

But I’m a poison. Constantly eating away. They’d never be as happy as they could have been if they had met someone else.

“I hated the way you thought. The way you lived. Always hurting others to hurt yourself. Constantly driving yourself into a corner, and thinking yourself to be worthless… do you remember Rui?”

An image flashes through my head. The back of a ten year old girl, with long black hair that reaches her waist. Her white dress lightly fluttering in the warm summer breeze as she walks between the trees. Her pale skin illuminated by the light that filters through the leaves.

“Of course you do. She’s the whole reason why you liked those questionable things.”

Ah, she’s not going to let that lie in peace.

After a brief giggle she says “If anyone else found those, they’d label you an incestuous child molester you know. Even I thought that for a while.”

Oh dear lord…

“But after going home and thinking about it, I figured it out after seeing an old picture. It was the three of us at the old summer house. Hehe, you used to look so cute with your pudgy face. Almost like a puppy.”

That’s a bit rude.. I think.

“I remember watching you as you stared at her when you thought she wasn’t looking, and when I imagined you wagging your tail, I burst out in laughter.”

Ah, something like that did happen… so that’s why you were laughing.

“She did the same thing too you know. Although Rui is more like a kitten with her reserved personality. Even after she left, she was all you could think about. I remember you’d go off about her for weeks, sometimes months on end.”

Don’t say such embarrassing things…

“I think she was your first and only love. You tried to find the last image of her you had in everything. I don’t actually think you had such vulgar tastes. At least, that’s what I want to believe.”

Geh! At least say you’re sure about that one!

“So I searched for her, and tried to contact her after all this time. We would talk a lot, and she confessed that she’s loved you for all this time too…” her voice trails off as tears threaten to overflow.

“And that’s.. the thing I’ve wanted to tell you.. more than.. anything else.. I wanted you to finally be happy.. together…” she says choking up.

But I’m dead. It’s okay now. I know I’m loved, and I’ll be a better man in the next life.

“But.. she’s dead. Rui’s dead...”

Wah.. what?

“When.. I called her.. a police officer answered… he said they found her mangled body at the bottom of a cliff.” Hikari manages to say in between the sobbing.

I didn’t know what to think. So I didn’t. Letting my mind go blank as Hikari kept weeping.

“So I hope.. when next you meet.. that you’ll love her. Be there for her, and this time, don’t let her go!” Her voice gains strength as each word rings with determination.

The wind dies down. Winter’s first snow falling in its wake.