If I was the hero to my own story this would be the moment that I would gain powers of my own. Something would unlock, a magical weapon activates, the force inside and around me awakening.

Ha! It sure would be nice to be a hero. But nope, this is the body of a normal child. A healthy one but a pretty normal one regardless. No magical enhancements here! Hey Lilyanne, if you could turn on your female lead powers a bit, just enough to get us out of this, that would be great.

Seriously I can take like what 2 or 3 of these things with my tree branch. But that's a waste of time and energy. There's no way I would be able to defeat more than a couple of these things. There's a shitty thing about these creatures, when they die they turn to literal rocks. Just straight up stone.

No squish, just annoyingly hard rocks.

Rosalia has lived a charmed life. She's well traveled, well educated and well read. She has no fucking idea what these things are!

All I know is what I see now, they're moving rocks with sharp pincers.

There's no point in killing them, especially if they swarm. I throw away the tree branch for another one with much fuller leaves still attached.

Yes you guessed right. I'm going to sweep them.

Off you go little guys, don't come over here. Sheesh honestly they're not so bad. If you just sweep them away they scuttle along on their path. We just happened to get caught up in that path, like a giant migration route. Maybe it's a spring thing for these creatures, are they local?

We're not in any danger since I discovered the secret of sweeping.

Take that rock crabs, I am well versed in the art of sweeping. Trained and practiced for many years as a commoner who does house chores! Put your legs and core into it, find the right angles and use momentum to conserve energy!

You rock crabs are nothing compared to fall leaves or worse....shoveling snow.

Despite having the situation rather under control, Lilyanne is up there crying like a cat stuck in the tree. If the cat was a screaming toddler that is. Which is actually a lot worse. Is she even breathing through all that crying?

"Waaaah hellllp! wwwwwwah heeeeeelp! booo hoooo"

"Lilyanne you're fine"

"Waaah Rosa! Pwease! Waaaah waah heeeeeelp!"

"Lily please, it's really ok look. I'm sweeping them away, look a nice crab free circle!"

While the pincers and hard spiked shells look concerning to sensitive baby soft flesh, we can make a path pretty easily. Just sweep and avoid the strays. Shake off the bush broom once in awhile.

"Are you alright!?"

Oh shit, this cannot be happening.

"Hic hewps pwease waaaah!"

"Get away from her!"

A child not much bigger than me appears at the edge of the clearing. He rushes in with a toy sword like a little fool, his fluffy coat fluttering uselessly behind him.

How gallent! Yes I feel much safer already by this...bumbling toddler. 

And the stupid prince come to the rescue of the crying princess still. Some things really can't be changed. Shame.

I think I messed up the setting pretty well though. Migrating hoard of rock crabs doesn't sound quite as romantic as a field of flowers. That's a decent change from the fluffy fairytale background they had. 

Still I'm sure this will be a very fond memory for them in the future, it's very dramatic. Oh well, at least I tried.

"Beasts I'll get you! Take that and that!"

Oh very heroic, his wooden sword is just as effective as my first tree branch! And that makes two, two dead rock crabs out of what, several thousand? Lilyanne must absolutely be swooning up there in her diapers.

"Waaaaaahhhhh! Somebody hewp us!!! Bwaaaaaahhhhh."

"Lilyanne stop crying right now! You're fine, we're fine!"

"Waah hic waaaaaaahh!"

That's when the baby stupid prince finally notices me. Ridiculous considering how I'm literally standing a few feet in front of him. Hey it's a metaphor for our relationship! Ah haha I amuse myself.

"Two of them? You there, get away from there, it's dangerous! "

"Uh huh, sure it is."

I make an exaggerated display of my previous sweeping to get my point across. Might as well make a bigger clearing for Lilyanne, geez what a crybaby. And they call me the loud one?

"The riverrock spiders! That speed! How are you defeating so many of them like that?!"

Is he pulling my leg or is baby stupid prince really that stupid? You know what nevermind, I overestimated him, my bad.

I ignore him in favor of coaxing Lilyanne down.

"Lily look I got rid of so many! It's super safe now!"

"Hic reawy?"

"Yes really! look I can sweep them away with one hand! Stay with me and you'll be super safe."

"But... scawy"

"It's not too scary with me right? You do trust big sister right?"

"Mmm! Rosa!"

"Good, here come on down. I got you, you won't fall."

"Rosa!"

She's a surprisingly good climber though she needs a little more help coming down. It's always scarier coming down so I climb up halfway to support her. The dull sound of rock thumping is still going on behind me, the stupid prince still must be there.

"Ack! ow ow ow!"

And one of them got him in the hand! Good job crabby! Oh he's handicapped, another one pinches him by the ankle. They're beginning to swarm since he keeps attacking them. His fluffly cape is only gathering more little pinchers! This is absolutely great!

"Rosa! Save him."

Aww do I have to? I know it would probably be wise to make a good impression on the stupid prince but this is just so amusing. It's not like he did anything as I lay dying in my own cooling blood. This is nothing!

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Oh alright fine, I'll go save your dammed stupid boyfriend, stop making those eyes at me. Damn Lilyanne and her big teary cow eyes 

"Don't fight them, they'll turn aggressive if you kill too many!"

I learned that the hard way but after throwing away their companions rock corpses into the distance they scattered in the flow of traffic. Don't leave evidence, duh. 

"Sweep them away with your sword. I'm coming."

The pinched up baby prince tries following my instructions but he's not very coordinated with the numerous crabs holding onto him. I wish I had a camera.

They're mostly on his clothes, it looks much worse than it really is. The one that got him on the finger though, ow ow okay even I feel a little bad at that. Well time to speed up the sweeping, I'm almost there to save him.

Wow I never thought there come a day I would be saving the stupid prince. His huge body builder muscles weren't for show and paired with his stern training he was an immovable wall. The stupid prince was a muscle head but he was a strong one, I'll give him that.

Right now though he's just a spoiled 3 year old with a stupid hat,a stupid cape, a stupid wooden sword and a lot of crabs clinging onto him. I'll treasure this moment always with fond recollection. This is already a great improvement to our own first meeting!

Lilyanne clings to me the whole time as I sweep a path. I grab the flailing prince by the back of his shirt and drag him behind me as I continue to sweep us out of the crabs' way.

When we're far away enough I take a quick breather. Time to free him of some of those crabs, my bush broom is the perfect tool for various things. Including smacking things like a pinata!

Oh this part I will enjoy.

Turning around ready to smack those crabs and the wonderfully attatch stupid prince I am greeted with a tender sight. Lilyanne carefully holding on to the crab on his finger, trying to wiggle it out if its painful hold. The boy wincing in a mix of pain and gratefulness.

I look away for just one moment to make a path and they're already having their first date moment behind my back. Typical.

"Ow ow ow"

Well might as well sit back and watch, I've done my part.

"I got it!"

"Ugh wheeew, thank you very much."

"R you ok?"

No he's not okay, he's very clearly crying. Not as much as Lilyanne does but she's a natural water fountain. He's not bleeding at least but that finger may need a stint and a sturdy wrapped bandage.

"....yes. I'll be kay. Were you hurt?"

"No but it was scawy. U fight so many."

"...Thank you. But-"

He turns to me and the spell is suddenly broken. It's as if they just noticed I was here the whole time, you know the one cleaning up the crabs. It's expected to be the third wheel with this pair but how annoying. They just met!

"Thank you for saving me from the armored spider hoard! Your technique was really great!"

"Spider hoard? Is that what those things were?"

"Yes! We're told not to go near the river at this time of year when they cross! But I heard screaming and had to see what was wrong."

"Are you sure they're not crabs? But yeah that's Lilyanne' crying alright."

"What are crabs?"

"Um, tank you for comin. I'm sowy u got hurt."

Oh god is he blushing? What is with this pink atmosphere?! They're literal babies! Ok that's enough of that, time to ruin the mood.

"You jumped in and tried smashing a bunch of pinching rocks! That's just dumb! Here, I'll hold your sword. You shouldn't move young finger or hand for awhile. Try to keep it held up."

"Er thank you, like this?"

"Right just like that, until you get back to the healers."

"Yes my home is this way."

He makes to lead for once and I let him. I'm not supposed to know this area yet. It's smarter to play dumb.

"Are you from around here? Since you know about the crabs you called armored spiders?"

"Not really. My family owns a place here but I really live much further away."

"Us too! we live far away!"

"I see, Lilyanne was it?"

"Yep! I'm Lily! And dis is my Rosa!"

"My name is Rosalia and this is my younger twin sister Lilyanne. We're from the south and visiting with our family."

"I see. Pleased to meet you Rosalia, Lilyanne. I am Erik Heinrich of the Northern Territories."

Uh huh, to me though you'll always be stupid prince, introductions or not. Don't think I missed that blushing at my sister, you're really going to have to work to be called brother in law. And I mean reeeeeeaaaallllly work. It would actually be preferable if you didn't have any relations with my sister and I.

I still absolutely hate you after all!

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Bonus afterwards short:

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"And these will get them off faster?"

"Yes absolutely! Go for it."

When we arrived back to the residence a crew of frantic servants were looking for Lilyanne and I. The commotion got even worse when we were discovered with the little prince covered head to toe in as they call them, armored river rock spiders.

What's wrong with just crabs?

Everyone's attention immedietly turned to the crab covered prince. His face was understadnly looking a little pinched.

"Your majesty!"

"Oh dear what is this?!" You're absolutely covered in those vile monsters"

"Get the cleavers, those darn hell spiders. I just hate this time of year."

I guess you can say the sight of them makes everyone, a little crabby. Ah I'm hilarious only to myself. No one outside my head can appreciate. Well time to kick off this little farce.

"Please wait."

This is bothering me too much, I have to confirm it for myself. With all the authoririty of a practiced villianness, I managed to get a good amount of attention despite my tiny frame.

"Pardon my intrusion but I know a much better way to remove these creatures."

"Little miss?"

"Rosalia. Rosalia Therese Ventrella. Pleased to make your aquaintance. Yes down south at home we have a similar creature though they don't hoard at any season. We must prepare a pot of boiling water to treat this!"

"Hot water you say?"

"Yes hot water! Salted would make it even hotter. It wil come off easier rather than smashing them, turning them to rocks."

I have no idea what I'm saying, it's just a hunch. But the servants set off when stupid prince Erik gives the ok. My own accompanying staff however are weary but ready to serve.

"Is there anything else Miss Rosalia? "

"Some seating and a table to wait outside. Small clippers or shears, clean ones. Some lemon or citrus if you can find it. Extra salt and pepper. Hmm and some butter."

"Of course Miss Rosalia."

I'm sure they're already catching on to my plan, they're very well trained to my whims. Should I have asked to bread too? They make great dipping with the butter.

"What are those other things for?"

"Oh well the butter is to help ease the pinching, makes it slippery."

"Ah I see."

When the hot salted water is boiling the servants are quick and ready with a change of clothes for the stupid crabby prince. What article of outer clothing that can be removed already has. But for some more sensitive areas I instruct him to drip the dangling creatures into the boiling water. Since I can't boil him alive it's with the the help of some manservants. Shame.

"Amazing! It works, they drop right off!"

I sure hope it works, lunch is depending on it.

"Of course it works, go ahead and get them all into the pot. No need to dip the clothes. Yes just lower those little buggers in."

Prince Erik and his servants are amazed at the technique to clean up their armored spider infestations. I'm glad the little creatues let go but the real questions to be answered is, will they cook?

"Alright that's that."

"Wait, don't dump them out yet, they must be boiled for another few minutes."

"Why is that Rosalie?"

Don't worry about it stupid prince, geez you sure are talkative when you're young.

"To be sure!"

"Well if you say so."

Soon enough a delicious fragrance is emitting from the pot of armored "spiders". I understand that this is a land locked region but does no one here know what a damn crab is?

My personal servants work just as quickly with a table set up as if for outdoor tea. Everything I've asked for is here and more. Plates and utensils have been prepared, there's even a bread basket. Ooo is that molasses bread? Haven't had that in well, ever, not in this life.

I knew my staff would understand.

"What is all this!?"

"R we eatin now Rosa?"

"That's right Lily, it's time to eat!"

"Yay! Lunch time!"

"But those are the riverstone spiders! My God they're bright red!"

Great observation oh brilliant prince. But it's not only him who's panicking at the sight of cooked crabs but the entire staff of this midway manor. What a waste, all those crabs uneaten for all this time. Wel it's mot like the Northerners are known for their cuisine.

Since my hands are small and delicate I have the servants crack and break the crabs open. IT's far to inconvient without some shelfishh crackers and tiny forks. While I don't mind getting my hands dirty and eating from the shells it's too messy for Lillyanne. I don't trust her not to injured herself so I have them scoop the meat out for her.

A little lemon, salt and pepper and it's done. Good enough for me! I think Lilyanne would prefer hers with butter but I like mine simple and more refreshing. Both are tasty though. I would prefer a spicier crabbed boil though, one with onion, spices, herbs and other things but this is also nice too.

It's old fashioned. Very plain but simple and tasty.

"Sp-sp-spider meat!!!"

"No, they're called crabs. They're a kind of shellfish"

"An dey so yummy!"

"That's right Liilyanne! You love them don't you?"

"Mmm!!!"

The smell of fresh cooked crab wafts through the air, even the most shell shocked onlookers can't help but gulp at the delicious aroma. I pick up the shell and legs of a more whole looking crab and make to take an exaggerated slurpy bite. The long spikey legs hanging through my fingers with a shocking shade of red,. Making sure to emulate some of the most grusome horror movie scenes I can remember.

"Well then, how about you give it a try Prince Erik?"

The stupid prince passes out right there and then onto the floor.

Ah it's been a good day.